Between Hope & the Highway (40 page)

Chapter 67

Liz

Shock waves rocked me at Rawson’s revelation. He’d taken his girlfriend to Maui? And caught her in his bedroom with his roommate? Suddenly I felt queasy. If he’d taken her to Hawaii, it hadn’t been just to hold hands or nibble her neck on the beach. Now that I thought about it, he’d never said he was a virgin. I’d just assumed that because of his conservative background. Though his family didn’t attend church, they believed in God. Ben had told me about how his mom expected him to treat girls, and I’d figured Rawson held to the same high standards.

“So you were intimate?”

“Yeah, normal couples have sex, Lizzie. We don’t just nibble.” His scoffing tone hurt worse than his words.

I scrambled into a sitting position.

“Now don’t get your feathers ruffled, baby.”

Stinging tears pricked behind my eyelids. “I’m sorry you don’t think I’m normal.”

“That’s not what I meant, sweetheart.” He pulled me into his arms.

I slapped his hands. “Don’t touch me.”

“I’m not with her anymore, and would never get back together with her for all the tea in China. You asked about my past. I told you. ”

“How many other girls have you…uh…slept with?” Heat crawled up my cheeks at the blunt question. It wasn’t one I usually asked my dates.

He blew out a long spearmint breath. “I have no clue.”

“What?”

His brow furrowed. “I haven’t kept an exact count, but I’ve been sexually active since tenth grade. Believe me, I’m very experienced and know how to please a woman.”

I breathed hard. “You sound proud of that.”

“Would you rather I was a bumbling virgin like Mackay? He wouldn’t know how to make you feel good if he—”

“I’m a virgin!” I yelled. Scrambling to my feet, I turned to hide my tears.

He jumped up and grabbed my wrist. A sob escaped as he turned me around to face him. “Liz honey, I’m sorry.”

“Leave me alone.”

“No. I can tell you don’t understand. I know you’re a virgin, and I think that’s wonderful. Truly. I’m not demeaning you. That’s the most beautiful gift you can give a man. But it’s different for guys. You wouldn’t want a partner who’d never worked an iron before to brand you, would you? It’d be a mighty unpleasant experience.”

I gaped at his crude analogy. “I’m not a cow. And for your information, if I was, I’d still choose the man who didn’t know how to work his iron, because he wouldn’t be a cold-hearted jerk.” I wriggled free of his grip and ran in the direction of the truck.

“Lizzie!” When he caught me again, I flailed and managed to scratch his neck. “Damn it! Will you listen?”

I didn’t want to listen anymore. My heart hung in tatters from what I’d already heard.

As he bound me in his strong arms, tears moistened my cheeks. He brushed them away with his lips and murmured, “I love you. I never cared one bit for any other girl. Shoot, I don’t even remember most of their names.”

I struggled against him. “Is that supposed to make me feel better?”

A tortured expression marred his handsome face. It sucked some of my anger away, but deepened the sadness.

“Please, let me go.”

He released me and pursed his lips. “I don’t know what to say, except sorry. I didn’t know my experience would upset you like this.”

My lips quivered. “I’m sorry too.”

He pulled me close, but I didn’t tingle any longer. How could I have fallen for this man? Did I have no sense? Yes, I did. I’d just ignored the warnings because my body craved Rawson Law like a drug. But that was wicked, and I’d do well to put distance between us now that my eyes had been opened. I didn’t want to be another slash on his wall of conquests.

Tipping my chin with his thumb, he traced my lips. I closed my eyes, trying not to let his gentle touch sway me. But it did. However sinful it might be, I wanted him to kiss me again.

“You’re mad at me.”

“No.” I was just horrifically disappointed.

His tongue worked overtime against the inside of his cheek. “I swear I haven’t been with anyone since I started liking you.”

“Do you wish I would sleep with you?” As the words left my mouth, I wished to snatch them back.

“Of course, I do. I want to share everything, but not until you’re ready. That’s why I haven’t pushed you.”

Having this conversation made me realize we were worlds apart, especially in how we defined love.

“And if I told you I was ready now?” I asked quietly.

The smoldering hunger and hope animating his expression answered me, and everything changed between us in that instant. His scorching look stole my breath away as he stepped closer and captured my waist.

“Are you?”

His sensual question made my toes curl. Desire warred with integrity as I wondered what it would be like to have a tiny taste of what he offered. Could I sample without falling all the way into the flames?

“Ah, Lizzie.” The way he said my name added strength to my dark side. His words oozed passion as his fingers danced along the top of my jeans. “Are you scared because it will be your first time?”

I didn’t answer. Words strangled in my throat as I knew which path I would choose…and it couldn’t be this man whom I had grown to care for deeply.

He pressed his lips to my forehead. “I’ll be so gentle, love. It won’t hurt…not like you’ve been told. I’ll make you feel incredible. Promise. I’ll go slow so that your first time is unforgettable.”

My hands shook as I brought them to his chest, widening the distance between us. We stared at each other—him with a look of barely concealed longing and anticipation; me with heartache and regret.

“What about afterward?”

His brow creased.

“After you’ve taken that which I hold most sacred…what then?”

“You’ll be mine.”

Stupid tears slipped down my cheeks. He didn’t look like an evil man bent on stripping me of my virginity; he looked like my sweet Rawson who was eager to make me happy. I swiped at my eyes, refusing to be deceived.

“Like all the other girls who are now yours?”

“No, it’s not—”

“Do you know what that would do to me if you took my innocence tonight?”

“Lizzie, I—”

“It would destroy me. You would shatter every piece of my heart and leave me with nothing but shame and regret. I have no doubt you’d make me feel incredible, but afterward, when I was left with nothing but ruin, I would loathe you for stealing from me.”

His mouth formed into a tight line. “So you’re not ready? You just played me to see what I’d admit so you could throw my words back at me and judge me a sinner?”

“I wanted to know, yes,” I admitted.

“And let me guess. I failed.”

I bowed my head.

His hands clenched into fists. “I failed because I’m not a halo-wearing, celibate monk like your doormat Mackay.”

I marched in the direction of his truck. “If you’re going to be a jerk, I’m leaving.” When I reached its safety, he grabbed me and spun me around.

“You have it bad for me and that scares you because it doesn’t fit into your set little plan.” He yanked me against his body.

“Rawson, please.”

“I feel how you want me every time we’re together,” he hissed. He brought his head down as though he meant to give me a crushing kiss, but paused at the last second, searing my lips with spearmint breath. “If you want to deny that and marry some boring fool like Mackay, go ahead. But you’ll regret for the rest of your life because he’ll bungle everything on your wedding night and leave you unfulfilled and full of regret that you didn’t pick me!”

I pushed out of his arms. “At least we’d bungle our way together, and I wouldn’t wonder if he might be comparing me to all his other conquests and finding me lacking. And I promise you, even if it took us fifty years, we’d figure out the mechanics and make our love life amazing. More amazing than you can imagine, because we’d have something you and I can never have. Trust. And respect.”

He let go of my arm and stormed around the front of the truck. “Get in,” he ordered.

My shoulders sagged as I hefted myself onto the seat and leaned against the passenger door. Silent tears stained my coat as I endured the silent, terrifying drive home. Rawson didn’t speak and seemed bent on breaking some unwritten speed record as I clutched the door and prayed he wouldn’t kill us.

When we arrived home, I hurried to the house. Rawson took off the other direction. When I slipped upstairs and stood in front of my mirror, I wept when I noticed the red oval brands on my neck. They reminded me of Rawson’s true intentions…and of what I’d lost of my heart tonight. I knew I’d never get those pieces back I’d given that wretched cowboy.

Chapter 68

Rawson

Desperation and despair smothered me. After leaving Liz in the garage, I stomped away to sulk in my hammock. At first, my fury centered around her for ruining my evening, but eventually it turned its laser focus on me. Staring into the inky expanse of heaven, I knew she was right. My mother had taught me to treat girls like a precious white rose and never do anything to soil or damage them, but being arrogant, I’d cast her teachings aside as too old-fashioned. Now I felt ashamed, knowing I’d dishonored Lizzie with my intentions.

“Oh, God,” I groaned, “don’t let me lose her. I know I shouldn’t be asking You for jack sh—crap.” I figured Lizzie’s God wouldn’t tolerate cussing any more than she did. “But I need her.” My voice cracked. “I love her.”

At that moment, love became more than physical fulfillment. I realized love focused on what was best for the other person…and tonight, I’d wanted what was best for me. Not her. Shame filled me as I realized I’d gone to all that work and trouble to make the evening nice, not so I could build Liz up and help her see how incredible she was, but for the sole intent of weakening her resolve and tricking her into letting down her guard so I could steal—she’d called it as it was—that which she held most precious. I despised myself at this discovery. Speaking smooth words of love had meant nothing to her. Actions spoke louder than words, and mine had been deplorable tonight.

Clawing my scalp, I knew I must make amends. But how? The damage seemed irreparable. How could I take away the hurt my stabbing words had inflicted? How could I regain her trust, if I’d ever had it?

I swung my feet out of the hammock and stood. Lizzie had made me believe I could be a better man. It was time to be one.

My watch showed half past midnight as I climbed the stairs. No soldier on the front lines could have felt more frightened than I did as I stood in front of her door and prepared to knock. Not wanting to wake Benny, I tapped lightly as my stomach clenched. The door cracked to reveal Lizzie’s face on the other side. I knew immediately by her red, swollen eyes that she’d been crying.

“May I come in?”

She shook her head. “I don’t think that would be wise.”

My shoulders slumped. “Can you come out here then?”

“I think we’ve seen enough of each other tonight. Don’t you?”

“Lizzie, please.”

A tear slid down her cheek. “I can’t do this, Rawson. I thought I could, but we want different things.”

“Don’t tell me what I want. You don’t know.”

She pulled down her robe to reveal several purplish hickeys on her neck. “I think you made it very clear what you wanted tonight.”

I blew out a breath. “Will you please come out and listen to what I have to say?”

“Fine.” She opened her door wider. “But stay there.” She glared at me.

I gulped and tried to think where to start. “I haven’t been able to stop thinking about what you said…and I feel awful because you’re right. I didn’t respect you as I should have.”

Her neutral expression gave away nothing.

I licked my lips. “I never thought of it that way. You see, I’ve always equated love with sex. When I took you out to the canyon, I had every intention of pushing our relationship further, but not out of disrespect. Honest. I believed I’d be showing you how much I loved you. That’s the only way I knew to do it. I thought you wanted me too and were just too shy to ask. I had no clue being abstinent meant so much to you. Now that I do, I promise to behave and never take advantage of you. I love your innocence, and will protect it with my life.”

Her eyes glistened.

“Will you forgive me?”

As she took a hesitant step forward, I opened my arms. A tear slipped down her cheek before she rushed into them. Cradling her, I buried my face in her loose curls.

“I don’t expect you to trust me, love, but I’d like the chance to earn that from you.”

“That takes time,” she murmured.

“Probably a whole heck of a lot. But I’m willing to put in time if you give me another chance. My mom did teach me better.” I touched her neck. “No more nibbling or whatever else makes you uncomfortable. We’ll take things slow. I won’t touch you unless you feel good about it in here.” I tapped my heart.