Between Loves (The Pendant Series Book 2) (9 page)

Chapter 12

Foolish Games

Adrian was already in the kitchen by the time I’d re-entered the house.

“Are you hungry?” he yelled. “I can fix you something to eat if you’d like.”

Unable to contain my dry humor, I responded, “You mean you can make something
besides
a sandwich?”

“Of course. I have microwave popcorn.”

I laughed and accepted the snack.

While Adrian fumbled around the kitchen, I searched for the remote control and began browsing through the guide when I saw that the remake of
The Great Gatsby
had just begun. I loved this movie and so I quickly flipped it on.

Adrian entered the room and sat on the other end of the couch. He stretched his arms out so that his fingertips were almost touching my shoulder. I tried to remain frozen in my spot but eventually the buttery smell of popcorn got the best of me and I scooted closer to him and plunged my hand into the bag of the addictive treat.

“Did you find a movie you want to watch?”

“If it’s okay with you, this is one of my favorites,” I gushed.

“Well then, let’s take a journey into the mind of Miss Sidney Sinclair, shall we?”

We sat back and watched the tragic love story that always seemed to capture my heart. I loved the latest film adaptation with the bright colors and the latest songs remixed with a bit of jazz, giving them a reminiscent feeling of the roaring twenties. The lively dance parties were so extravagant that I always wished I could just jump right into the screen and participate with the party-goers. Their outfits were so eccentric yet everyone seemed to be full of confidence. Everyone was so happy, lost in a story full of money, glitz, and glamour.

The ending always left me with a bitter taste in my mouth; a disgusted feeling in the pit of my stomach and my heart, leaving it feeling sad, empty, and unfulfilled. I was terribly sad because Gatsby had let everything in his life slip away except for his one true love. Everything he had done was for Daisy Buchanan.

I was disgusted by how Daisy could betray someone she claimed to love so much and instead stay with a man who treated her like dirt. I concluded that Daisy deserved her husband, Tom Buchanan but Gatsby, well, Gatsby deserved so much
more
.

His only crime was falling in love with the wrong woman. If only he had never met her, his life would have been so much different.

The film ended in the same way it had begun; with Daisy still looking sad and pathetic in her unhappy marriage as she yearned to be with Gatsby, but the viewers watching the movie no longer felt sorry for her.
She
was the creator of her own destruction.

Watching the credits scroll across Adrian’s flat screen TV, I sat on the couch thinking of Tom Buchanan. I thought of the scene when he and Gatsby were both pleading their case to Daisy as they begged her to choose each of them.

Ironically, Tom never showed any interest in Daisy until he felt threatened by Gatsby. She was nothing but a possession to him. “
Once in a while I go out on a spree but I always come back,
” was the sorry excuse he gave Daisy as he was pleading his case.

“Well, if you relate movies to your life like you do with songs, I can definitely see why you would like this one,” Adrian announced as he invaded my sad, dark thoughts.

He grabbed a small pillow and lay down on the couch, bringing his head inches from my thigh.

“How so?” I retorted.

He sat back up and stared into my face, “Are you kidding me? Tom was obviously Ray and you are Daisy here.”

“I hate Daisy,” I snarled, completely appalled that he would compare
me
to that selfish little witch. “Besides, I don’t have a Gatsby pining after me, purchasing a mansion next to my house in the hopes of me joining him for our epic reunion.”

Adrian just laughed and shook his head as he grabbed the empty bag of popcorn and headed towards the kitchen.

Anxious to change the subject, I shouted after him, “It’s so strange that you grew up on the other side of the country when your family was originally from here. Most people who grow up here never leave this pathetic town.”

He re-entered the living room and sat down on the couch, but this time he left no space between us.

“Who knows, maybe I’ll stay in this town after all.”

Once again he grabbed the couch pillow but unlike before, he placed it in my lap and rested his head on top of it. Instinctually I placed my hand on it and allowed my fingers to glide through his sleek black hair.

“That feels good,” he murmured, his eyes closed.

I felt like I could stay there forever with him. Having him so close to me felt right. Touching him and feeling those butterflies in my stomach felt more than a little exciting to me.

“You say most people who grow up here stay, but Ray didn’t…did he?”

His eyes were still closed but there was a slight smile around the corners of his mouth. He almost seemed to enjoy the destructiveness of my relationship.

I stopped stroking his hair.

“I guess there was nothing to keep him,” I reluctantly answered, as I came to the conclusion that perhaps my relationship with Ray had finally run its course. Adrian’s eyes slowly opened and he sat up on the couch and stared at me.

I believed at that moment he was finally going to kiss me. I must have said the right words affirming that his advances would be welcomed. I waited but he never brought his face any closer to mine.

“
You
should have been enough to keep him here, Sidney.”

I looked down at the beige couch and began playing with a loose thread, suddenly not wanting to continue this conversation.

“Well, I guess I wasn’t enough,” was all I could reply.

I looked up and met his gaze, waiting for him to challenge my conclusion.

“I guess you weren’t,” he agreed.

His comment struck a nerve. It was okay for me to wallow in self-pity and conclude that I was simply not enough for Ray, but for someone
else
to say that to me really stung.

I grabbed my purse and rocketed off of the couch. I threw the big red door open but then stopped in my tracks and spun around to confront Adrian and give him a piece of my mind. I didn’t have to go far. He had followed me to the door.
I opened my mouth, ready to lay into him but he cut me off.

“Look, Sidney. I know this isn’t my place to give my two cents and maybe I should learn when to shut my mouth, but all I’m saying is, if you’re not enough for Ray, why is
he
enough for you?”

I had never really thought of it that way. Why did I put up with all of this?

I did my best to defend my consistently lame emotional state. “Because I promised him that I would wait for him and be supportive of his dream,” I mechanically answered, suddenly realizing even I was a little unsure about my answer.

“And how long did you plan on being his whipping girl?” Adrian raised his arm above my head and pushed the front door shut.

Defiantly I shot back, “However long it takes.” I felt my cheeks redden. I was getting mad again.

He took a step closer until his face was inches from mine. His scent was mixed with cigarettes and cologne and it was whirling around, making me dizzy with foolishness again.

He emotionally leveled me. “What are you going to pass up while you’re waiting for him?”

Of all of the mixed signals that Adrian let off, this one was unlike any he had said to me. This statement was loud and clear. Now, I knew. He actually felt the same attraction for me that I felt for him.

I gripped the bottom of his brown sweater and played with the wool, pulling it closer to me. He obliged and took a step closer. Our bodies were now touching and the warmth of each of us radiated serious heat. My back was pressed against the door and he was in front of me. There was no escape and for the first time, I didn’t want one. I didn’t want to run away like I so often did when the situation got awkward. I was staring into his eyes, trying to get him to read what my mouth refused to say. But he was a statue, waiting for me to answer.

“Am I passing something up?” I breathed, barely comprehending anything else in the universe at that singular moment.

A question answered by a question. That always seemed to work in classic dialogue.

He said nothing. Instead he brought his gaze down to my necklace once again as his hand gripped the pendant. I closed my eyes and clawed at the door while I envisioned myself gripping those dark locks of heavenly scented hair in my fists and pulling his face into mine. I bit my bottom lip as I tried to force those images out of my mind.

Friends, that’s all,
I promised myself.

But then my hands deceived me as they reached up and gripped his face. I couldn’t wait any longer for these foolish games. I pulled his face down so that his lips were next to mine and I could feel his breath.

My whole body tingled at the thought of him this close to me. I wanted him so bad. I could feel the tension in his body diminish and he slowly began to give in. His lips spread apart as he pressed them to mine.

My god, this was really happening between us.

Then a phone rang.

We broke away from the trance we were in and Adrian pulled the cell phone out of his pocket. He searched my eyes for some kind of response but I revealed nothing. There was no way I was going to be the one to determine what this all meant.

He looked down at the caller ID and assured me, “It’s just a client.”

My previous instinct to flee returned. “I should go,” I breathed. “I’m sorry”

He said nothing and instead turned around and headed back into the library, holding the ringing phone in his hand. Placing the phone against his ear, he answered it as he walked through the double doors.

My heart sank into my stomach. I desperately wanted to know who was on the other end. Whoever it was, they were obviously much more important to Adrian than our inexplicable embrace.
It also bothered me that every time he got close to me, he always put up a wall and grabbed my necklace. It was obvious that my necklace reminded him of someone. It was also apparent he had some unfinished business and he was clearly not ready to start a new relationship until it was settled.

Was that phone call part of that same business?
He said it was a
client
but I couldn’t believe a client would be calling at this hour.

I laughed at my observation as I realized I was so worried about Adrian’s relationship responsibility that I had forgotten about my own obligation here. It was easy for me to blame my lack of relationship on Adrian, but the fact of the matter was that he had every right not to become involved with a girl who already had a boyfriend. If I wanted Adrian, there was a choice that would have to be made by no one else but me.
This was my call all the way.

Ray would have to be completely out of my life.

Chapter 13

Saving Us

I found myself walking down the dark streets of Noddington Heights and glanced down at my watch. 4:28 a.m.

It was cold and I was a mess. I was grateful that my house was only a few blocks away.

Ray’s rented Jaguar remained in the driveway and as I walked past it I wondered if there was any possibility of us reconciling when he returned to pick it up. I would have to try. He had to believe me when I told him I didn’t mean those things I had said out of anger. I loved Ray, and I couldn’t imagine living a life without him.

I guess in a way, my choice had already been decided. I could never give up on Ray.

I crept up the old wooden stairs and unlocked the front door as quietly as I could. Retreating into my bedroom, I reached for my bottle of pain meds and popped two more in my mouth before I slid under the covers.

I felt so tiny and fragile in the bed I had been sharing with Ray for the past week. Turning over on my side, I stared at the empty place where my boyfriend should have been sleeping next to me. Instead, he was alone in a jail cell.

I closed my eyes and waited for the pills to kick in and take me to a place where I wouldn’t feel so guilty.
I wouldn’t feel anything.

***

When I woke up the next morning I felt the full impact of my mistake.

As soon as I opened my eyes it felt as if all of the oxygen had been sucked from the atmosphere as I lay in bed, struggling to catch my breath.

I gasped for air, but my lungs were depleted and I felt as if I might die, right there in bed. I clutched my chest, attempting to soothe the scorching ache inside but I knew it was no use. Nothing could extinguish the flame that burned inside my chest. The fire had burned for too long. I knew that there was no saving it because inside, it was just an empty cavity. The burning ash of what once was. Because I believed I no longer had a heart. Ray had ripped it out of my chest the night before.

I no longer felt the high of the adrenaline that last night’s fight brought and cushioned the blow. Now, I was only left with the dire feelings of regret as I emotionally fell downward into the reality of my personal hell.

I have to fix this. I have to find Ray and apologize to him for the words I’d spewed at him.

It was true; I had become the new poster child for co-dependency.

I wanted to hurt him so bad last night but I should have known better. Ray was invincible and all of the hurt that I forced out of my body had, as usual, bounced off of him and ricocheted back into me, causing catastrophic psychological damage. The pain in my chest was almost unbearable and the walls in the room seemed to be closing in on me.

Where the hell were my pills?

I jumped out of bed and ran to the window to check the driveway. I had slept in too late, Ray’s Jaguar was gone. Rene must have posted his bail and now he had disappeared out of my life for good.

I held my breath, hoping to stop the tears from falling as I realized I had probably blown my only chance of ever seeing him again.

Sure, we’d had innumerable fights in our past, but none like this one. My insides screamed at me that this time was different. This time our breakup was real.

Reaching up, I touched my re-stitched forehead and realized I even had the wounds to prove it. Just like the song in my mind before I had met Adrian, I now carried the battle scars of Ray and our toxic relationship, not only on the inside but on the outside, as well.

Still refusing to accept defeat, I took off like a banshee, flying down the stairs like a zombie ghost completely out of control. I collided with Chrissy, sending us both on our bottoms.

“Jesus, Sidney, watch where you're going.”

“Ray!” I shouted incoherently. “How long ago did he leave?”

Without waiting for an answer, I grabbed my cell phone and began punching in his number.

“I’m sorry but the subscriber you’ve reached does not accept calls from this number.”

“What?” I yelled to nobody in particular.

“I said that I went to change Emmy’s bedpan and by the time I got done his car was already gone,” Chrissy explained.

I redialed the number, this time slowly and precisely, making sure I entered every number perfect. I got the same recording.

Unable to believe what was happening, I logged onto my Facebook account to instant message him but I couldn’t access his page. There was a message saying that this user had blocked my account. Damn.

After spending the next five minutes thumbing through every social media site available, I finally came to the realization that this was not some technical glitch. Ray had intentionally blocked me from all forms of communication.

“No. No. No. No. No,” I chanted trying to will all of this away.

Using my shaky hands to stuff my phone back into my pocket, I wondered again where my pills where. My head was throbbing as I refused to acknowledge the truth about what was unfolding.

“When did you change Granny’s bedpan?” I screamed at Chrissy.

She cowered in front of me, shrugging. “I don’t know, like fifteen minutes ago.”

I had one more trick up my sleeve before this became completely hopeless. Racing into the kitchen, I grabbed my truck keys and a pill bottle Chrissy must have left out while preparing Granny’s breakfast. I opened the bottle and dropped a couple down my throat, then stuffed the bottle into my pocket next to my phone as I rationalized,
I’m sure Granny won’t mind if I borrow a couple of her meds.

Careening down the street in my truck, I skidded to a halt in front of Ray’s parents’ house. I didn’t see the Jaguar but maybe Teresa would at least have a lead as to the whereabouts of her son.

Taking a few quick breaths and realizing that the yoga-style of breathing was not helping my nerves one iota, I grabbed Granny’s container and threw another pill into my mouth before I stepped out of the truck.

After I pounded on the door several times, it finally swung open. Kendall stood with her arms crossed, peering at me through her steel gray eyes. “Wow, you have some nerve showing your face around here after what you did to my brother.”

I swallowed her insult down with a side of Granny’s pills as I shouted to myself:
Why in the hell are these things taking so long to kick in? Go away pain.

Finally, the medication began to kick in.

With renewed confidence I shouted at her, “Shut up, Kendall, and get your fucking mom!”

As soon as I said it, I wished I could take it back but it was too late. Teresa heard the obscene way I had just spoken to her youngest daughter and I didn’t know if it was Teresa’s look of contempt or the effects of the medication, but suddenly I felt the earth moving under my feet and I gripped the door frame to stop from being sucked into the vortex that was opening up in front of me. I looked over at Teresa to see if she had felt the shift in the earth but both she and Kendall were gaping at me like I was Hulk Hogan’s tag team partner.

“Raymond,” Teresa yelled.

Oh thank God, Ray is still here
.
I knew he wouldn’t leave me like this
.

I felt his set of strong arms as they gripped my waist and guided me towards the family suburban.

“Where's your Jaguar, babe?” I asked Ray.

“Honey, I’m Ray Senior and we’re going to get you to a hospital as fast as we can. Hang in there, okay?”

I couldn’t get the dopey smile off my face as I closed my eyes and floated towards the suburban. “I knew you wouldn’t leave me, Ray. I love you.”

***

For the second time in a week I woke up in a hospital bed. Only this time, it wasn’t Ray’s hand gripping mine but his diminutive mother’s.

“Teresa?” I creaked.

My throat was so dry and pasty. I went to lick my chapped lips but my tongue held no moisture to spare. Ray’s mother saw my discomfort and quickly poured me a cup full of water. I graciously accepted it as I gulped it down in two swallows.

“Are you okay, sweetie?” she asked gently.

I nodded my head, still a little confused as to why I was in the hospital again. Then Dr. Kyle walked in.

“Good afternoon, Sidney. I must say that I’m flattered you keep finding ways to visit me, but I’d much rather visit you over lemonade at the house.”

I was completely disoriented. “How did I get here?”

Teresa responded, “Ray and I brought you. Have you forgotten that?”

I tried to sit up. “Ray’s here? Where is he? I have to see him!”

“Settle down, Sidney. There’s really no need to get all worked up now, is there?” The doctor chuckled.

Teresa looked on somberly. “Ray Senior and I took you here.”

The way she said
Senior
gave me all the validation I needed.

Ray Senior had brought me here. She had said that with a bit of contempt as if the thought of her own son admitting me would be completely ludicrous.

At her statement, I realized that Ray was back in L.A. and that I would likely not be seeing him in the near future, if ever. That one sentence was all my body needed to accelerate the shaking of my hands and the aching of my head. Reaching up, I touched my mutilated forehead. My body seemed to be falling apart, joining my wounded heart in the process.

Dr. Kyle added insult to injury. “It seems you must have accidently taken your grandmother’s prescription, believing it to be your own.”

Great, now I’m stupid too?

The perks of your doctor being the parent of your best friend, he never suspected I did these types of things intentionally.

“Um, yeah, I must have.”

Maybe I was stupid after all.

“Not to worry. Mrs. Ryker found the bottle in your pocket and so we were able to identify the pills you’d ingested. They were just some heavy sedatives so you may feel a bit groggy but other than that you will survive, Sidney.”

The doctor checked his beeper as a page came in. “Just make sure my daughter does a better job separating the two prescriptions next time, okay?”

I nodded my head as Dr. Kyle tightened his cheek muscles and flexed out a smile before leaving the room; inadvertently leaving me and my ex-boyfriend’s mother alone.

“Is Ray really gone?”

Teresa tried to be as gentle as possible when she replied that we really shouldn’t be discussing her son at the moment but no amount of sugar could coat that insult. She was shutting me out of her life the same way Ray had.

Of course she was blaming me for the entire incident of what had happened last night. I’m sure that Ray told his mother only part of the story, letting her know that he had caught me intimately close to another man, and conveniently leaving out the part about his relationship with Lilly. I opened my mouth to tell Teresa the truth of her son but for some reason, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t break it to the poor woman that her precious boy was a serial cheater. Ray had broken enough hearts, and the last thing I wanted was for him to hurt his mother the way he had hurt me. So I allowed her to go on thinking he was a devoted humanitarian who had been emotionally devastated by his heartless girlfriend. Why not? I was sure that Ray would write a song about it and all of his fans would sympathize with the poor boyfriend.

My god, how pathetic was that?

I was discharged from the hospital and Teresa was nice enough to give me a ride home. She never once mentioned the plans on Sunday to speak to Father Renley about scheduling my baptism, so I guess I was off the hook on that score. We gave each other a detached hug and parted ways.

***

The month of May passed in a blur. Mostly I slept because being awake was too painful and when I was awake I downed a couple of pills to take away the edge and then went back to bed.

Eating was a whole issue in itself. Chrissy tried her best to nurture me meal-wise, and if I wasn’t so depressed I would have thought it comical to see her running about the kitchen in high heels and an apron looking like a 1950’s housewife.

She practiced various recipes and they all seemed to look delicious. Surprisingly, the material girl had a natural talent in the kitchen. But I refused the food because food provided my body with the nourishment I needed to sustain life. But at that time in my life, living was the hardest thing for me to do.

As a result, I refused the food. This was followed by periods of ravenous hunger and several trips to the toilet when I vomited like a rabid dog. My body was all screwed up.

In the end, Chrissy threatened to hook me up to an IV, or even worse, call her dad if I didn’t eat. So I finally got my diet into a healthy mode again but the emotional pain continued to rack my soul. Ray and I together were forever gone.