Between These Walls (39 page)

“Oh my—Hunter, is Kara pregnant?”

Her interpretation bewildered him. “What? No, it’s not—”

“Hunter, if that’s what happened, we’ll do what we can to help.”

“Of course we will. You know that, son,” his father chimed in.

“Is she okay?”

Hunter grew frustrated and held up his hands, palms out. “Hold on. Kara’s not pregnant. She’s fine.”

“You two made such a cute couple. I know you mentioned you split up, but have you considered getting back together?”

“What? We’re not getting back together.”

“You never mentioned why you broke up, did you?”

“She was a go-getter, that’s for sure,” his father said. “A spunky little thing.”

“Yeah, she is, but—”

“So you found another girl?” asked Hunter’s mother. “I’m sure any woman would love to have you. Maybe you should consider—”

“Wait, stop! You don’t understand!” Hunter grunted in the sudden confusion. His frustration peaked. Exasperated, he brought his hand to his forehead, across his eyebrows. “I don’t
want
another—look, I think I might be gay.”

Uh-oh.

His stomach sank. He hadn’t meant to blurt it out.

His parents clammed up before he had a chance to take his next breath. His mother’s eyes had fallen to her lap now. She kept her head tilted, the way she did when she found herself trying to comprehend how someone’s words had blindsided her. His father hadn’t moved a muscle, but a pointed look surfaced in his eyes.

His mother shook her head. “Wait a minute, I—
gay?
”

“I didn’t mean to say it that way.”

“I don’t think there
is
a good way to say that,” his father said.

“How did this happen?”

“It’s complicated. I don’t even know. And I didn’t say I
am
gay, I just said I
might
be. I mean, I’m sorting it out.”

His mother looked up. He had anticipated the incomprehension in her eyes. He
hadn’t
anticipated the pleading look that accompanied it. Tears began to well up in her eyes, and Hunter could see she fought to hold them back.

His mother’s tears. He’d made his own mother cry. That knowledge pricked his heart.

“This doesn’t make sense,” she said. “You’ve
always
liked girls, Hunter.”

“I have, but there’s been another side to me that doesn’t make sense to me either. I’ve tried to fight it.”

“Obviously, you have a little more left in the fight,” his father said, “because gay isn’t acceptable. That’s not how we do things in this family.”

“How we
do
things?” Hunter said. “How
we
do things? This battle is all mine—believe me, it’s caused me plenty of grief.”

“How long have you known?” said his mother in a tiny voice that suggested she wasn’t sure she wanted to hear the answer. “I don’t know how this works. Did you decide a few months ago? Is that why you and Kara broke up?”

“I didn’t decide anything. I don’t know how to describe it. It’s just
been there,
ever since I was young.”

“How young?”

“I don’t know. Middle school, maybe. It’s just something that showed up. Or phased in. I didn’t exactly welcome it with open arms.”

With a sigh, his father grimaced, then closed his eyes and rubbed them with his thumb and forefinger. “You said something happened. A few minutes ago, that’s what you said—something romantic
happened.
What happened?”

“Kara found me with someone. Last night.”

“She
found
you?”

“She still had a key to my house and let herself in, and we were—together.”

“Who’s ‘we’?”

“Just someone.”

“Someone
male?
”

Hunter sunk further into the chair. “Yes.”

His mother looked toward a corner of the room and ran her finger along the bottom of her eye to remove the tear. “And was this a person you ...” Her voice trailed off.

“Nothing happened between us before, nothing like you’re thinking. I’d reached a dark season in my life, and this developed. I don’t even know
how
it developed.”

“It seems there are a lot of things you don’t know about this.” His father.

“Does he have a name?” asked his mother.

“Mom, this is already difficult. I don’t want to go into every detail—”

“I’m your mother. The least you can do is give me a name, don’t you think?”

“Gabe.”

“Gabe,” she whispered to herself, nodding, as though repeating the name would make the truth easier to accept. “Gabe.” At that, she stopped, and a look of awareness swept over her face. “Wait a minute, wasn’t that the name—when we ran into you outside the restaurant that night, so far away from here—wasn’t that boy’s name Gabe? Was that him?”

“Yes.”

“So this
Gabe
person, the one we
met,
the one you looked us straight in the eyes and said was a
friend
—you
lied
to our faces?”

“I didn’t want to. We were trying to make sense of what was happening.”

“And this Gabe is what,” his father asked, “your
boyfriend
now?”

“He’s not my—neither one of us expected this. We’re figuring it out.”

“Well then, that’s just great, isn’t it.” His face a deepening red, Hunter’s father shook his head. “I didn’t raise you this way. You’re not some Daisy Mae faggot. You’re my kid.”

“Ed!”

His mother’s rebuke toward his father arrived several words too late. The blade had already reached Hunter’s heart.

Pastor Chuck had handled Hunter’s news well. Then again, maybe he had heard this revelation from others in the past. Hunter’s parents hadn’t—at least, not from one of their sons. Hunter noticed his parents had retreated from full eye contact to the occasional glance, where they didn’t focus on him for long. It was the kind of attention you forced yourself to give to someone because you needed to, not because you wanted to. Among the trio sitting in the living room, not one of them was comfortable.

“So Kara found you,” his mother said. “What happened afterward?”

“We got into a major fight, then she stormed out the door.”

“Did you ask her not to tell anyone?”

“She caught me off guard when she walked into my house. I wasn’t exactly thinking several steps ahead—”

“You can say that again,” his father tossed in.

“—so no, I didn’t think of asking her. Not that she would’ve listened. I think Kara will do whatever Kara will do.
She
wasn’t thinking clearly when she left, either.”

“I can imagine.” His father crossed his arms over his chest. “This wasn’t the smartest thing you’ve done. If you weren’t interested in Kara, I don’t understand why you didn’t just wait it out and find another girl you
are
interested in.”

Hunter found it fascinating how easy his situation appeared to those who had never experienced the fire of its pressure.

“So it’s as simple as that? I just
choose?
How was I supposed to
choose
another girl that interests me?”

“The same way you chose this Gabe person. You weren’t interested in guys before. If you snapped into it, you can snap out of it.”

“I didn’t snap into it. It’s been going on for years. I was worn down to the point where it was hard to fight against it.”

“Then you keep fighting anyway, Hunter. That’s the way we do things in this family. We fight it off.”

“Dad, this isn’t helping.” Hunter didn’t know which was worse: derisiveness, by which he could read his father’s reaction, or silence, where he wouldn’t know where he stood in his father’s eyes.

“The whole community will find out,” said his mother. “How are we supposed to handle it when people ask about it? They’re going to whisper. People we’ve known for
ten years
will gossip about us.”

Hunter realized they could spend hours asking what-if questions, worrying about every possible scenario and every potential consequence. Hunter himself had spent most of his life in torment over such things.

He didn’t know how to navigate through this conversation in a way that would bring resolution. He gathered his thoughts before speaking again.

“I don’t have all the answers,” Hunter said. “I know you aren’t happy with me right now. Maybe you don’t even want to look at me.” He paused. His father wouldn’t look at him, but he managed to catch his mother’s eye. “I’m not asking you to understand me. All I’m asking is to know you’re here for me.”

It took a few moments, but his mother’s painful expression transitioned into a look of maternal concern. She rose from the sofa. Though her steps were hesitant, more cautious than usual, she made her way to her son’s side. She wrapped one arm around his back, nuzzled her nose against the top of his head the way she did when he was a child, then planted a kiss there.

“You need to understand this is hard for me,” she said, “but you know I’m here for you. I’m your mother. I don’t stop being your mother just because I don’t understand what’s going on.”

Hunter felt an initial hint of relief. His family wasn’t the closest-knit he’d seen. Yet, whether rooted in love or insecurity, he cared much about what his parents thought of him.

Hunter realized his father hadn’t said a word in response. He looked up at his father, who still had his arms crossed and now stared at his own calloused feet, shaking his head in wonder.

“Dad?”

His father grunted under his breath, at a clear loss for words. “This isn’t something I want to talk about. Sorry.”

“Dad, I’m sorry I ruined your image of me as your son. But I don’t think I’m going to live up to everything you wished I’d be. I’ve tried—I’ve honestly tried to be the son you wanted—but I can’t. I’m not that person, I’m me.”

“I want time to process it. I—” He stopped speaking, rubbed his temples, then he got up from the sofa. On his way out of the room, he said, “I can’t deal with it now.”

Hunter had forgotten his mother still had her hand on his back until she patted him again. She didn’t say a word about his father, nor could she have said anything that would have removed the knife slice Hunter felt make its way down his heart as he watched his father walk away. His father’s shoulders had never communicated anger to the extent they did as he left the room that night. The floor shuddered, small tremors of thunder as Hunter listened to his father descend the stairs to the basement.

Hunter hadn’t expected a perfect outcome. He had, however, hoped to walk out of his parents’ house knowing he had
both
parents’ assurance.

The winter breeze had intensified into a bluster. As Hunter walked out the front door and into the icy night, the lack of closure with his father brought ache to his soul.

On second thought, that wasn’t it. Rather, it brought a fresh burn to the ache he’d felt for as far back as he could recall.

CHAPTER 37

The next morning, Hunter pulled into a parking spot in front of Gabe’s apartment building and left the engine running. He thumbed through a text message to let Gabe know he’d arrived. Overhead, the cloud cover seemed to thin, as if sunshine might find a way to break through for a few minutes. Hunter turned up the heat another notch and waited for his toes to thaw.

Saturday morning. A mere 36 hours had passed since Kara had discovered their secret, but it felt like two weeks.

Another minute passed and he watched Gabe make his way down the wooden staircase with his hands stuffed into the pockets of his jeans. He had dressed in a hoodie and a well-worn baseball cap. The cap didn’t boast a sports team; instead, it was the sort you would find at a casual clothing store.

He climbed into the car and shut the door, rubbing his hands together and blowing into them to warm them.

“Where are we going?”

“Nowhere in particular,” Hunter replied, pulling out of the parking lot. “I needed a drive, if that’s okay.”

“Fine with me.” Gabe paused, then morphed into a wry smile. “Trying to escape the upcoming gossip, eh?” An awkward attempt at humor.

Gabe turned on the radio and settled on a Gavin DeGraw song, but kept the volume low enough for Hunter to hear the rhythm of the tires on the pavement. Within a few minutes, they had merged onto a freeway heading west. At a few minutes past eight o’clock on the weekend, Hunter was glad to find the traffic sparse. He felt like he had breathing room. Neither he nor Gabe needed much conversation. They needed each other’s presence. Hunter wanted the proximity of someone whose support—whose
degree
of support—wasn’t in question.

“I talked to my parents last night,” said Hunter after several minutes of silence. “I told them everything.”

Eyebrows raised, Gabe turned his head toward him. “How’d they take it?”

Hunter’s mind traveled back to the final minutes in his parents’ living room, up to when his father stormed out.

“Needless to say, they were stunned,” Hunter replied. “I can understand why, though: I don’t think it’s what any parent wants to hear their son say. It’s not exactly what I wanted to tell them. It’s not what
any
of us wanted to confront.”

“Did it end on good terms?”

“My mom started to come around. It was hard on her. No doubt, it’ll continue to be difficult for her to sort through.” With a smirk, Hunter glanced at Gabe. “Join the club, huh?”

Gabe grinned in return, though his lips remained pressed together. The grin of someone smiling through heartache.

“At least she’s willing to stand by my side,” Hunter said. “That’s all I can ask. I don’t need her to understand. She couldn’t understand even if she wanted to. But there’s a measure of peace in knowing she’s with me.” Hunter ran his thumb along the steering wheel. “Which is more than I can say for my dad.”

“What happened?”

“He didn’t take it well at all. He didn’t explode on me. I had that image in my mind before I got to the house, where he’d get angry and start yelling.”

“But he didn’t?”

“He didn’t yell, no. Then again, he seldom shows emotion. Keeps it all hidden inside, much like I do.” Hunter pictured his father’s face right before leaving the room. “He didn’t need to go ballistic for me to see the anger in his eyes, though.”