Between You & Me (14 page)

You're heading toward me with a smile.

YOU

Hey. You look cold.

ME

That's because I am.

YOU

Where were you?

ME

Reading.

You peer at me quizzically as if you'd like to know more but can tell you shouldn't ask.

YOU

Mia was looking for you.

I stop in my tracks.

ME

What? But I just saw her.
Kind of.
She didn't say anything.

YOU

Oh. She ended up talking to Kate, I think. Don't worry, it was just about needing someone to post the rehearsal schedule or something.

I almost laugh, overcome with the urge to slam something against a locker.

ME

That's just great! I'm waiting for her and she was looking for me.

YOU

You were waiting for her? I'm confused.

ME

At what point in the twisty-turny plot did I lose you?!

My exasperation escaped too fast. Here I am taking it out on you again. We're paused in the hallway on that knife-edge: where everything is aggravating me but I should just let it go. I rest my forehead on your shoulder with a groan.

ME

Sorry. Never mind. I was just hoping to see her, that's all.

You seem to be trying to understand but your forehead is still creased. We start toward class and I seize a fleeting moment of resolve.

ME

I don't know if I want to
be
her or
kiss
her but I know my heart is ready to explode.

We're still walking. Everything looks the same. We're both still here. The world didn't go up in a puff of smoke. I can't bring myself to look at you for a second but when I turn—

YOU

Bang!

I grab your arm, pressed warmly against mine, and laugh and laugh.

People are taking their seats as I come into homeroom and cross to my chair. There on my desk is something waiting for me! Not even taking the time to wave in your direction, I tuck my chair in behind me and pick up what looks like a book. I run my fingertips over the textured cover, examining the clasp keeping the pages together. It says nothing on the front so I release the clasp and open it to the first page. There, in calligraphy, in the top corner:
Lily Price. 1950.
It really is for me! I look more closely. It's like something from the fifties, the creamy pages blank, but each edged with a curly pattern. I look up, a smile spread across my face, and you're smiling back. We have a minute before first bell and I hold it up, beckoning you over. You look excited as you come toward me and I haven't even shown it to you yet! I present it, gleeful.

ME

I think it must be from Mia. It was right here on my desk!

Everything's falling into place.

Remember, she said we should write a journal in character. Its perfect, isn't it? Look how beautiful!

Struck by her kindness, I'm filled with a feeling of closeness to her. I hold it up to let you see. You look blankly over the cover.

YOU

No … Yeah, it's great. I mean, I hope it's helpful.

I nod my head, holding the book to my chest, overcome with pleasure at this moment in my life and happy that you're here with me.

ME

This play is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

You nod.

YOU

I'm glad you like it so much.

I'm already formulating in my head the first words that Lily would have put down on paper in 1950 as you return to your desk.

At the end of rehearsal, I snatch up the first chance I've had to thank Mia for the journal. There was no time to mention it at the beginning with everyone here, so I coolly approach, with more familiarity than I usually have the courage for.

ME

Hey.

Holding the journal, I press my hand to its cover.

I've been writing as Lily in my journal, and I can't tell you how helpful it's been.

MIA

Oh, that's a great idea! I try to encourage it. I'm so glad it's something that you thought would work for you. And I'm always pleased to see initiative. Let me know how it goes.

I assure her I will and, replaying her words, tuck the book back into my bag as I walk out of the room.
Great idea
. I swallow, with a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Great idea.
She was full of warmth, sincerity, and not the slightest twinkle of recognition. Pushing thoughts from my head, I check the time and, turning down the hall, go straight to where I know you will be.

Basketball seems to have just finished as I get to the gym. I haven't even reached the doors when you and Cara push through toward me. I smile quickly at Cara, then take hold of your wrist and pull you to the side so we're not swallowed in a stream of traffic.

ME

Mia didn't give me the journal.

YOU

I know.

Just hearing the way you say it makes me feel sick. The framework that holds me together turns to jelly as I take a swing at your arm, and my voice comes out as a whine I don't recognize.

ME

Why didn't you tell me it was from you?

YOU

Because you seemed so much happier when you thought it was from her.

I fall a little farther. The matter-of-fact way you say it only makes it worse.

ME

No!
I would have loved it just as much if I'd thought it was from you.

My voice comes out in a fraught tangle as I try to believe that's the truth. You're taken aback by the strength of my emotion.

YOU

Okay, okay, I know. You still would have liked it. It's all right.

I take a breath and try to pull it together.

ME

I wish you'd said something.

YOU

I didn't want to make you feel …

ME

… Stupid!

I almost lose it again. When someone tries to save you from your own stupidity it only proves that they think you are. Letting the rest of my air escape, I put my face in my hands. Slowly, I feel your arm around me, which makes no
sense. How can you be so forgiving when I make these kinds of mistakes?

ME

Sorry, I just feel like an idiot.

Reluctantly, I think back. There was nothing to suggest that it was from Mia. Nothing at all. That's just what I let myself believe, for no reason. And I was so convinced! With a deeper pang of embarrassment I remember how you came toward me, probably because you expected the thanks that you deserved. You squeeze my shoulder gently.

YOU

Hey, Phy. Not everyone is staring yet. You wanna try and bag the last two?

I almost smile as you gesture toward the
only
faces not looking this way. We turn toward the courtyard and, with my eyes still on the ground, I let out my best strangled wail.

ME

Did I get 'em?

YOU

You got 'em!

Side by side, we start walking, and despite your efforts my thoughts return to the journal.

ME

I love it anyway—

I repeat it twice more, and you nod as convincingly as you can as we head to the gate.

I'm ambling slowly to class, past the theater notice board. There's a voice behind me. I spin around to see Tony coming toward me. I haven't seen him with Elle recently—I think their love lasted all of two weeks! The customary:

TONY

Hey!

ME

Hey!

TONY

So, I hear you're doing the play.

ME

Yep.

TONY

I was going to try out but it clashed with football.

Ryan, barreling down the hallway toward us, interrupts the moment as always.

RYAN

Hey, Tony. You're persistent!

Tony blushes and Ryan thumps him on the back.

Sorry, man. Didn't mean to embarrass you.

The conversation fizzles out and Ryan throws his arm around Tony's neck in a semi-headlock as they turn away.

RYAN

Forget it, man. She's cold.

Tony shrugs him off as you appear. For a vivid second, I imagine punching Ryan in the face (Tweety Birds circling). Or I could fling my arms around Tony's neck and kiss him like everyone else—to protect myself from comments like that. I choose neither. And in my hesitation you find your protective streak.

YOU

Don't talk about her like that!

Ryan stops. I can see him toying with the idea of sarcasm, or something really eloquent like “shut up.”

RYAN

Come on, I'm just playing.

YOU

Yeah, you're funny. Go play with someone else.

Ryan scoffs but I can tell it's because you got to him. Tony turns back, trying to regain the tone he started with.

TONY

Well, good luck in the play.

It doesn't work. He leaves with a smile but it's half-assed and I wonder if this time he really will give up. The hallway is quiet again.

YOU

You okay?

ME

(Lying)

Fine!