Beyond Complicated (8 page)

"I, uh, I thought that would be harder," he said, his lips doing that sweet half grin thing. "I mean, it's not like it's just a couple nights every month. I don't want to be in the way."

"In the way of what? Hot monkey sex on the ceiling? More like late nights going over insurance claims I didn't get to at the office and beer. That's al I have time for." I laughed.

"Uh, have you had hot monkey sex on the ceiling?" He looked questioningly at the low grungy ceiling with peeling popcorn and ugly eighties era gold light fixtures. "I mean seriously, is that even possible?"

"Yeah," I said smugly and winked. "Baby, it is entirely possible. With the right guy, under the right conditions, anything is possible."

"With Seth?" He looked away as he asked and I had to wonder what sex between them had been like.

And then I hated myself for wondering.

"Sex with Seth, the real Seth not the other Seth whose name I won't tel you, sex with Seth was like long sweet love on the beach. He's gentle and sweet and hot. So hot you forget he's too damned young for you and your heart breaks every damn time."

"Yeah." He turned his back on me, his shoulders slumped. "That sounds about right. Okay, I'm gonna get the hel out of here before I embarrass myself. I've got a friend's car and I promised to have it back by noon. And I've got a test tomorrow. So I'm going to go and, and deal."

I watched as he slipped his feet into his sandals and tugged his jacket on. His tousled hair trapped under the colar. I went over and lifted the silky strands out, the elastic band coming loose in my hand as he puled away. "Sorry," I said handing the elastic to him. He was close, probably too close and not so much shorter than me that he had to look back to see into my eyes. I ignored the strange lump in my throat. Embarrassed, I moved to walk away but he grabbed my arm and held me. He looked surprised.

"It's okay, Liam, everything is fine." He made a strange sound in his throat and then his arms were around me. Holding me tight for a moment. We hadn't hugged in years. More years than I can remember and it felt awkward to hold my grown son in my arms.

"We'l… get past this. It wil be fine."

His voice sounded choked so I let him go and went back into the kitchen. "When wil you move in?

So, you know, I can get my shit out of your room and make sure you have a… you already have a key, I forgot."

"Tomorrow night. After classes. If that's okay with you. I don't have much, just clothes and books, the rest is stil at home… at the 'rents house."

"Do you want me to go with you to get anything?" Ken wouldn't mess with me, he was afraid of me. I could easily drive him over and—

"Nah, it's just teen shit, school awards, yearbooks. Kacey is smuggling stuff out on the weekends. Shit, that wil probably be a problem."

"I'l talk to Sabrina, if you want."

"No, we just hang out at the mal and stuff. Kim drives now. Sometimes when my roommate is gone they'd sleep over. Nothing major. We'l deal." And then he left. His shoulders slumped from the weight of the world. And al I could do was stand in the kitchen and kick myself for causing so much of that weight.

Mondays are just like any other day to me. I neither love nor hate them. But this particular Monday seemed to want to fit into the hate category. Mostly because I just did not want to be there. By there, I mean sitting behind my desk in my cramped little not quite executive office on the fifth floor of the new office building on the northeast side of Capital Circle. I didn't realy want to be in Talahassee or even in Florida for that matter. Maybe even the states.

I had a sudden and violent urge to go on vacation to some far off land where I had to decipher the language even if I spoke it myself. I'd go to Ireland.

I suddenly realy wanted to go to Ireland. I had no idea why.

By ten o'clock I was ready to cal up a travel agent and book a flight for that very night. I didn't want to deal with other people's tragedies. Car accidents, house floods. Thank God I didn't deal with life insurance. I probably would have shot myself in the head if I had to deal with a life insurance claim today.

Kel would get everything as my next of kin. By everything I mean my car, and some clothes, and furniture. What money I have tucked away would pay to see me buried, or cremated, or tossed in the ocean. I should probably think about that. How I want my body disposed of in the event. And realy I should probably have a wil of some kind so that Kel realy did get my car. And my parents… I sighed and shook my head.

I was losing it. Realy, and surely, and completely. I wasn't going to die any time soon and if I did, it would most likely be in my car so there would be nothing left to leave anyone.

And that little fact alone made me even more melancholy than I was before. I am thirty-eight years old and I have nothing to show for myself. A rundown apartment in a questionable complex, a classic car, a little in savings, and a few worldly possessions. Just shoot me now.

"Am I interrupting something?" I knew that voice.

It shimmied over my skin like silk. No, velvet. No, leather.
Soft supple
leather. Perfect. Just what I needed, my ex-lover standing in my office dressed to the teeth. Suit porn. Holy fuck the man could wear a suit. But then he always could. And I could get him out of the suits in seconds flat. Usualy leaving the tie perfectly knotted around his luscious neck.

"No, just contemplating a vacation," I said with as much forced levity as I could muster. I sure as fuck didn't want Seth to think I was pining for him. "To what do I owe the pleasure of your visit, Mr Vincent?" I said just as my pretty little intern walked past, his eyes seeming to bug out of his head at the vision of gorgeousness standing in my doorway.

"I… we should talk. I've come to take you to lunch. To discuss a mutual business…" He stepped into my office and closed the door behind him. "Look, Liam, I need closure or something. I don't know. I just want to talk. Someplace conspicuous so what happened the other night won't happen again. You owe me that at least."

Seth puled out the seat in front of me and sat down. He moved fluidly, not realy catlike, just—I can't describe how. Grace. He had grace. Kel had the same type of grace to his movements. Flowing, loose, never trudging and awkward like me. He placed his long fingered hands on his knee, which he crossed over the other. I tried very hard not to swalow my tongue.

"I owe you? Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking. I owe you a big thanks for nothing." I wasn't above being petty. That day long ago flashed vivid and paralyzing in my mind. I had to remember to draw breath in and release it. Gang raped by my boyfriend and several nameless, faceless men on my birthday and I owed him something.

"Liam, please, an hour. I need you to explain what you said the other night. I need to know what happened. Because I don't. I never have known." There was genuine concern in his eyes. Almost sad. "Al I know is I loved you and you left. I was devastated."

"You were devastated? Tel me, Seth, did you have a mental breakdown and have to be admitted to the hospital? How many years of therapy have you undergone since that day? How many nights have you drank yourself nearly to death trying to forget that your lover stood by and laughed while you were stripped of al of your dignity? You raped me that day, same as if you were one of them. Same as if you were Deakman."

"Liam…" He laid his head in his hands avoiding eye contact. "I didn't know. I swear. I thought… I guess it doesn't matter, does it? Not realy. Deakman told me he'd outlined the script for you and you weren't happy about it but you agreed to it. We only used guys we'd been with together. No strangers. He said it was what you wanted and the two of us were out with enough money to keep us—"

"Twenty thousand. I got twenty thousand for my trouble. How about you? Did you earn some ridiculous payday from Deak Studios? Because I sure as fuck didn't. I wasn't under contract for it, so I guess I should be happy I got anything at al." I couldn't look at him. The pain in his eyes nearly made me want to forgive him for his part.

"Ten. He told me you agreed to the scene and that I wasn't to be touched. He told me it was what you wanted so we could retire and then you were gone. I thought you just… Listen, I can't talk about this here.

Please, let's go somewhere."

I sat for a long time trying to stil the ghosts running loose in my soul. I loved this man. Then. I loved him with every fiber of my being. Then. I would have agreed to do just about anything for him. I'd done worse before I met him. He never had. Deakman hadn't been happy when we told him we were retiring. His greedy eyes clouded over with anger, but his words were those of an understanding father figure who just happened to peddle porn. I should have known. I should have suspected.

"Liam, please. I won't ever bother you again.

Just, let's go somewhere we can talk. I need to… we need to put this to rest."

I could feel his distress. I didn't want to, but I felt everything about him from the first moment he walked in the room on the first day we met very nearly ten years ago. He'd never lied to me. Never deceived me. Never. Always an open book. Always so damned easy to see through. I spent the last four years thinking I'd falen for an act. That he was a very convincing innocent surfer boy and I fel for it—hook, line, and sinker. I turned him into a monster in my mind. A selfish playboy just looking for the next thril.

He sat across from me, this grown up surfer boy, with a grown up haircut and an expensive suit. Al business on the outside. But I could see the sweet man he'd been before, deep in his eyes. The way he looked at me with those huge melt-your-heart puppy eyes.

I picked up my phone and punched in Abigail's number. "Hey, how's my sweetheart?" I said in my brightest, kiss-assiest voice and waited for her to tel me how her morning was sucking the life out of her. When she was finished ranting about what the shareholders thought of this quarter's profits, she finaly asked me why I'd caled. "I'm sitting in my office with a lawyer, no nothing to do with work, it's a personal matter. I'm going to take the rest of the day so I can try and deal with this if that's not a problem? No it's nothing to worry about, just something that should have been over a long time ago."

Seth's face remained impassive while I spoke to Abby. I watched as he rose from the chair and composed his features, becoming a different person.

His eyes became aloof, his face stony, detached like it had been when he came in. "Is that your lawyer face?" I asked dragging my jacket off the back of my chair and shrugging into it. "Impressive. I'm glad you managed to finish school. I'm happy for you."

"Yeah, wel, I'l say thank you." He simply shrugged and, opening the door, he held it for me to exit. Intern boy… damn, I should at least learn the kid's name, I thought as I walked past him and his expression of feigned jealousy. Seth didn't stop, he just kept going out of the office and into the lobby. Once in the elevator, he let the mask fal away. We were alone. I could feel him, smel him, everything him, he filed every one of my senses. I wanted him. Would kil to have him.

I looked everywhere but directly at him.

When his hands cupped my face I jumped and tried to ease out of his reach but he went with me.

Pushing me back against the wal where he stared up into my eyes. "I'm going to kiss you."

"Okay," I replied, my heart missed a beat or two or three. I shouldn't have agreed. But I wanted.

"Okay."

He smiled, his eyes sad, his hands on my face, in my hair, everywhere. He touched his lips to mine.

Softly at first. Then with a little more determination. His tongue grazed mine and I sighed, melting into him.

Wanting more and seeking more but the lurch of the elevator coming to a stop brought me to my senses.

Seth as wel, he stepped back suddenly, his eyes wild.

He touched his lips with the tips of his fingers, and then the mask came back as if it had never been away.

"Where do you want to go?" I said in the parking garage. The thought of food turned my stomach. The last I'd eaten was Kel's omelet the day before. My stomach simply didn't want to deal with anything besides the acid boiling inside at the moment.

"I don't know. I thought some place nice, some place we could talk and behave like adults. But…"

"I'd rather not have anyone overhear what is between us." As much as the idea of being alone with Seth right now pained me. I just couldn't talk to him in a crowded restaurant and I sure as hel didn't want a repeat performance of Friday night.

"Yeah. That's what I was going to say." He clicked his key fob and an older BMW chirruped for him. "I'm over near the Capital. Your place is closer."

"Fine," I agreed, trying not to think of Friday night and the things we'd done to each other in my ratty apartment. "I'l meet you there."

I left him standing beside his car. I assumed he could find my place from this side of town. Didn't realy care if he couldn't. Traffic was light for the middle of a Monday. The drive took me a grand total of fifteen minutes instead of the usual forty-five. There was something to be said for that, I guess. I puled into my spot in front of my apartment and had just climbed out of the car when Seth puled into one of the empty visitor spots beside me.