Beyond Famous (Famous #3) (32 page)

I knew it was just to save face after we basically banished her from the set when her filming had ended last April.  She had to be attached to someone before we went back to set so it wouldn't look like she was still pining over Cade.  And the more potential a new relationship had for moving her career forward, the better it would be for her; damage control for the press and her reputation.  This wouldn't last and I was sure she'd be sniffing around Cade again soon enough. The new guy didn't have a fucking clue that he was only her latest tool.

Cade and I got into different cars that would take us back to the Hard Rock Hotel.  I couldn't wait to talk to him and I pulled out my phone to send him a text the minute I was alone.

Meet me in my room.  I need to talk to you, please. Love you.

Thirty seconds later, my phone vibrated in my hands. 

Yes, we do need to talk, Brook.  I love you, too, but this charade is too much for me. I'm sorry.

I ran up to my room as fast as I could.  I was shaking and worried, but this needed to happen as soon as possible.  It was normal for Cade to get mobbed by fans, so I knew he'd be a few minutes behind me, so I stripped off my clothes and hopped in the shower.  The hot water felt wonderful on my tense muscles and I prayed it would help me to relax before he got up to my room.

I threw on some clean jeans and a T-Shirt and as I was running a comb through my hair, he knocked on the door.

I opened it and he looked stoic, but I was still so happy to see him. I stood on my tiptoes and slid my arms around his neck and tried to place a soft kiss on his lips.  He was pretty much unresponsive, except for his hands lightly touching the sides of my waist.  His lips were unmoving under mine.  What a difference a few hours made.

My heart fell and he removed my arms from around his neck and walked into the room.  When he turned to face me, I could see that he was still angry, so I just waited for whatever was to come.

"What the fuck was all that about today, Brook?"  The tone of his voice was hard, guarded and pain flickered in the depths of his blue eyes.

"Do you mean my interview with Noah?  That's what they told me to do, Cade.  I thought you knew that!" I wrung my hands in front of me, struggling to figure out what to say next.  "You don’t think…?”

"Fuck, no.  But you didn't have to hang all over him, did you?  Do you know how I bloody feel?  Denise and Jeanne are working to ease our relationship out into the public. Tomorrow there’s another magazine breaking a cover article about my ‘secret feelings’ for you, and you have to keep making it look like it’s one-sided!  How bloody long will I have to play the fool in this mess?  It's fucking
People
magazine, for Christ sakes!  Don't you get it? Did you forget about that?"

He was pacing back and forth as he spoke to me, his hands running through his hair over and over, and the look on his face was so hurt, it broke my heart. 
People
magazine had slipped my mind and I balked. Out of so many, it was one that was taken seriously, they were known for not printing unsubstantiated information. 

I took a couple steps toward him, but he held up his hands to stop me.

"I'm sorry, Cade. I guess with everything going on, I did forget. I never want to hurt you."

"Yeah, well, you do!  Over, and over again!  Hmmph!"  His breath left in a whoosh as he walked to the bed and sat down, bringing his fisted hands over his eyes; he rubbed them back and forth before he continued. "I know that it's for the movie, but the whole world is watching us."

He hesitated and I froze where I was standing.

"Like at the MTV Awards before I went to New York...   We were supposed to kiss, finally giving a clue to the truth of our relationship, finally allowing me to validate all of the feelings that I have professed for the past fucking year and a half!  Then with minutes to spare, you decided not to go through with it.  When do I have something to say about any of this? I feel literally ridiculous! I look like a bloody moron!"

"You never seemed upset by it... I... I just thought that we'd be hounded even more than we already were, and...”  I stopped and looked at the floor, my eyes filling with tears.  "That beautiful night... you were... mad at me?"

 I could understand why he was so hurt.  He felt like he was admitting every feeling he had for me, over and over, and all I did was deny, deny, deny. My heart ached in my chest, I couldn't breathe.

He sighed.  "No, not later.  I was leaving you and I didn't want to think about it then, but it has all built up.  What about today in that damn interview?  I was pouring my fucking heart out like a lovesick idiot, and you and Jennifer were playing around like little girls.  I was talking about how my feelings for you were what I base Ryan's emotions on, feelings I've had since the bloody audition! I was bloody talking
to you
, Brook!  Telling you how much I love you, and you weren't even fucking listening!"

I started at the tone in his voice.  I couldn't remember ever seeing him this upset and angry except when it had been about David.

His face was flushed and his eyes were glassy.  I knew he was holding back tears by the way his fists clenched and his breath came in short bursts. "Brook, I'm sorry, but if things don't change, I just can't do this anymore.  I'll have to distance from this," he said painfully.  "It will kill me, but I can't keep looking like an idiot if you don't feel enough for me to be honest about it." His tone was defeated and I was sure that my heart stopped beating in my chest.  I couldn't breathe.

Did he just say he was leaving me?

I willed my feet to walk and I moved to sit next to him on the edge of the bed.  I tried to put my arms around him, but he flinched away from me.  I felt the sobs well in my chest as my hand hovered in the air he'd just vacated.  He'd never refused to touch me before.  Even in Tokyo, he'd held me and kissed me despite everything.  I realized now, how serious this was to him and I was scared.  I needed to make him understand.

"I'm so sorry.  I understand why you're mad, but...” My voice broke on the words and I had to stop for a moment.  "But, I love you more than anything in the world.  I thought you knew that.  Haven't I done enough to make you sure of me?" The sobs broke from my chest and I huddled over my knees, my head in my hands as I cried. “Why do you want me to risk my career?”

He sighed but didn't say anything... and didn't touch me.

I raised my teary eyes to his and I tried to wipe the wetness from my cheeks with both of my hands; the emotions building; my desperation to make him understand overwhelming me.

"What do you think?  That this hasn't been hard on me too? This whole thing has been hell for me, too, Cade!  All the tabloids hooking you up with Wendy and now Davina! Over and over again, I had to deal with that fucked up bullshit!  The paparazzi stalk me everywhere I go, constantly asking me, to my face, what I thought about you and your new co-star... and at other times hammering me about the relationship between us!  They even asked me if we fucked!" I threw my hands in the air and then through my hair. "If we
fucked
, Cade!  All the while I had to keep any emotion from showing on my face, when I was dying inside!  I sat back and ate all of the jealousy and insecurity I felt whenever I heard you'd gone to dinner with Davina, or you were seen getting close off set, that she was hanging out in your trailer between scenes... and all of those fucking pictures of the two of you kissing!  You know why?  Because I told myself that we were solid! That it meant nothing to you, that you loved me, and it was only about the stupid film! And then, when you got hurt and I couldn't get to you, I thought I'd go out of my mind." 

Cade didn’t move, but his nostrils flared. “The kissing thing was from set. We were acting!”

I nodded. “I know, but it still hurt.” I wiped at my tears again but they were endlessly raining from my eyes.  "I was only doing my job today... just like you were, Cade!  It has nothing to do with our relationship.  I was just hugging Noah, and you don't know deep down, based on all we've shared, that I love you more than I can even deal with?" I cried. 

"It's not about Noah and hugging him. It's about me pouring my bloody heart out, and you continually denying any feelings.  It's fucked up, and I'm done with it!" he shouted back.

I felt myself crumbling and my voice lowered, cracking.  I could barely form the words around the aching in my throat.

"I wish it was enough to know how much I love you.  God, why isn't it enough?  Don't you know yet, how you consume my... Entire.  Fucking.  Life?" I was almost screaming at him in my anguish.

He finally turned his pained features to look at me, and reached out to me, but this time it was my turn to withdraw from him.  I got off of the bed and went to stand across the room with my back to him as my shoulders started to shake in silent sobs. 

"And here we are, fi-finally together after over two months, and you want to fight with me?"  My voice broke as I turned to face him. "I don't want to fight.  All I want to do is hold on to you and never let go," I said softly, almost a whisper.

I covered my face in my hands after I said the words, my heart literally breaking in a million pieces and the next thing I knew, Cade's arms were around me and he was kissing my temple.  My arms went around his waist and he crushed me to his chest as I continued to cry my heart out.

"Oh, Brook.   I'm so sorry.  I'm such a selfish bastard.  I didn't consider all that you've had to deal with... you're always so strong.  All I could see was how much I was hurting.  I'm sorry, my love.  So sorry." 

Both of his hands moved to the sides of my face as his thumbs wiped the tears from my cheeks and he tilted my face up to his.

"I'm sorry too. I n-never meant to hurt you.  It's like ripping my own heart out," I said brokenly. "I don't want to do this anymore."

He pulled back to look into my face, a worried expression flooding his features.  "What?"

I saw the panic in his eyes and rushed to explain.  "I don't want to do this anymore. You're right.  We have to be able to show how we feel. I understand why you need this."

He closed his eyes and he sighed in relief.

He kissed my eyes, nose, and cheeks before moving to my mouth in a soul-wrenching kiss.  All of the anger, pain and jealousy we felt, every emotion we'd had to bottle up over the past months manifesting in the urgency in our kiss and the way our arms wrapped around each other.  Over and over he kissed me, and I wanted more.

Before I knew it, our clothes were scattered across the room and we were lying on the bed.  Our bodies were joined in the same desperate urgency of our kisses. We forgot meeting the others for dinner, forgot the movie showings that Pinnacle wanted us to attend as part of the convention... we lost ourselves in each other. The overwhelming feelings of love and the months of pent up longing we had for each other, our only focus.

As our bodies moved and sweated together, we were sating not only our maddening desire for each other but also the utter desolation we had both suffered at our separation.  The physical separation as we filmed on opposite sides of the country and the forced lie to keep our real relationship at bay for so long had taken a huge toll on both of us. 

We gave to and took from each other until our bodies were sated and our hearts were healed.  When it was over, we were both clinging to each other, looking in each other's eyes, running soft caresses over each other's exposed bodies.  Cade brushed my hair off of my face and whispered that he loved me over and over as he placed soft kisses on my mouth.

"Don't you know how much I love you, Cade?  My heart breaks when you doubt me."  I still had tears spilling from my eyes as I looked at him.

His arms gathered me close and he buried his face in the side of my neck.  His hot breath washed over my skin as he exhaled and then placed an open mouth kiss on the sensitive skin below my ear.

"My heart knows it, Brook. But it's been impossible for me to pretend that I don't love you and it completely devastates me that it seems like it’s getting much easier for you.  I want to take your hand and go out to dinner, to go to a ball game, to just be bloody normal.  I'm afraid all of the rumors floating around will rip us apart. We have to get our heads around this before it gets out of hand. We know all of the headlines are rubbish and it still hurts us. These last weeks were unbearable."

I knew he was right, but somehow it all seemed less invasive and hurtful as long as he was by my side.  I took a deep breath and let it out in a shudder.  My hand stroked the hair at the back of his head as he held me tight.  “Besides what Jeanne and Denise are doing to feed the press little bits of the truth, I think we need to do something drastic. Once we get back on set.”

“What? Do you mean without the managers?”

“Yes. Okay?”

I wondered what he was thinking, but at the moment the details didn’t seem to matter. I was just happy we’d made up. “Okay.” I turned my head toward him to place several soft kisses along the strong plane of his jaw, the stubble longer now and soft against my lips.  "I can't breathe when you're mad at me.”

Cade sighed deeply. "I can never breathe when it comes to you.  When I'm with you, you take my breath away.  And when I'm without you, I'm suffocating."

His velvet voice saying those perfect words had me holding him tighter and fighting the tears again.

"Please don't go back to New York.  Come home with me to L.A."

"You mean sneak back?" he asked quietly.

"We need to figure this out and we can talk about it over the weekend.  Besides, I'm not ready to let go of you yet."  I said against the skin of his chest as I lay next to him.  His strong arms tightened around me and his lips brushed against my forehead.  "I have my car, so I'll have to drive it back.  Can you call Peter and have him drive down here to pick you up?"

"It would be faster just to hire a car from here. I'd like to spend the drive with you.  I don't want to waste those hours alone in a bloody car. I still have to be back to New York, soon."