Beyond My Control: Forbidden Fantasies in an Uncensored Age (5 page)

Warren

in fantasies, weseemen circle women, one minute dominating them, the next being dominated by them. Warren, a solder in the army and a confirmed romantic, speaks of fear of women’spowerin reality. He believes this maybethe result of growing up with a dominating mother who was anti-sex. in fantasy, he is able to let go.

In a way, I am a little frightened as to the intensity of the major fantasy I have designed for my girlfriend, as it is so different from my lifelong idealized views on life and love. I thought I was mad, the only man in the world who really loved to be controlled by a woman. I started to fantasize from childhood. From the very beginning, I really loved to be controlled or be a slave of a beautiful woman. She makes me do whatever she likes. When I was fourteen, I got a chance to see a video of a “blue” film. One man was lying on a bed. A woman sat on his face, and another sat over his penis. He was licking her cunt so fast, and the other woman was pumping very fast. This scene changed my whole life. It was the day I learned to masturbate. I ran to my room and imagined that a girl I liked was sitting on my mouth

and her girlfriend on my penis. She ordered me to suck her cunt and chew her clit like a chocolate. Unknowingly, my hands reached over to my penis, and I started to shake it very slowly. Oh, what a great experience it was! Within a few minutes, my juices reached the top of the ceiling, about fifty grams of thick, hot ice cream. From that day, I started to masturbate daily, five or six times, sometimes eight or nine times. My record, believe it or not, was twelve times within five hours. The eleventh and twelfth times I had pain, rather than pleasure, and instead of juice, there was a little water and air. I used to fuck and lick so many beautiful women in my dreams almost daily. But in real life, I never got one woman then.

What will we take from our experiences and what will we discard? Sometimes, seemingly inconsequential moments incor- porate themselves into unforeseen aspects of our lives, manifest- ing sexual desires, fantasies that become a part of our makeup. For Spike, it’s the beautiful teacher responsible for overlooking the boys’ urination during their restroom breaks that becomes ever present, the authority figure, the dominant mother whom he needs to please, admire, be under the control of.

Spike

I am a divorced man with a graduate degree. My wife didn’t like sex—a few people out there don’t. She wasn’t orgasmic, and as you can imagine, problems developed. I’ve been told that I’m a very sensitive lover; a couple of ladies have even said I’m their best ever. But no

matter how hard I tried to help my wife enjoy sex, she never did. And I just love women and making love.

I realize many of our likes and dislikes arise from our early life and our surroundings. My mother, for example, was large-breasted, and I really like and appreciate large-breasted women. Because of my early experiences at school, I have a subconscious desire to pee in front of a lady, now that I am old enough to understand how sexy this could be for the right person. This could take place with her standing behind or to the side of me, maybe even holding my penis, and directing the fl Ideally, it would end with her jacking me off or us sharing some great sex.

I think this desire harks back to a routine that existed in our elementary school. Today, looking back, it seems somewhat erotic. The principal of the school, an older, never-married lady, had a rule that all teachers must accompany us during our three-times-a-day restroom breaks. All the teachers were female, and, as I remember, my third-grade teacher was quite young and pretty. She had full view of our private parts, which, even if someone wanted to be modest and shield her from view, couldn’t without peeing on his neighbor. Penises have a mind of their own, too. No one ever got aroused in her presence; it was just like having your mom standing there, I guess. No one ever masturbated in front of her. Even as young as fifth or sixth grade, I remember some of the boys had pretty good-sized penises, which I didn’t. Also, many young boys while peeing don’t hold their penises because they just naturally stick out at a forty-five degree angle and don’t point toward one’s feet, as they seem to do as men age. Once in a while, her face would become pink, which was no doubt a blush.

I related this to a story a lady friend told me a few years back. One of her girlfriends had a baby boy whose penis was extremely large, extending just short of his knee. When it was time to change his diapers, all of her female friends would be sure to accompany her so they could

see it. Some would even make comments such as, “I’d like to know him when he’s eighteen,” etc. I realized then that many ladies do enjoy looking, as our teachers probably did, too.

I wondered how/if the images of these women admiring the baby boy’s penis will affect his future, his fantasies. Will he crave the admiration of his penis or gain pleasure in withholding it?

Jesse, a young man in his early thirties, raised by his full- figured mother and aunts, remembers massaging their sore feet to much appreciation. He now manifests his fantasy into a reality through online ads he posts, such as this (SSBBW = Super-Size Big Beautiful Woman):

White male, 40, athletic seeks very heavy and obese women (300–400+ lbs) who would be into having their feet completely worshipped in every way. I am extremely infatuated with very heavywomenandgetkindof hypnotized byvery thick, fleshy, flat-soled feet along with any other “imperfections” such as bunions, rough calloused skin, yellowed unkempt toenails, hammertoes, etc. I seek mature women over 40 who are serious about meeting. If you for any reason feel that this is too freaky or feel compelled to write negative opinions about what turns me on, please refrain. I am serious, honest, and for real

about what I am into so please only write and

respond if you are mutually interested in being treated like a foot goddess where I worship your feet intensely and adoringly. Please do NOT respond if you are looking to email for weeks/ months etc. I am trying to find someone who (like me) doesn’t play games and wants to really meet ASAP.

I am glad to be a woman, now more than ever. Th the les- bian and gay worlds have grown to such acceptance has also seemed to me a part of this gender awakening. But I’ve always felt that women had greater potential for mental cruelty than men, perhaps a balance for having less muscle. When I was growing up, we girls knew how to twist the screws when one of us got more than her share. It was the meanest kind of pain, more wounding than a physical blow, especially when admin- istered by one’s “sister.” Females are particularly good at the slow sadistic undoing of a person’s sense of self, leaving the victim off as to who they are, a far worse nightmare than physical torture. In our heart of hearts, most of us know that women are the scary ones. Put a woman who’s a crazed killer in a movie and strong men shiver.

I remember when feminism was flowering and women’s groups were forming all over Manhattan. The group to which I belonged was called “Women’s Ink,” and we numbered about thirty-five to forty women writers. We’d meet once a month in a member’s apartment. We lasted less than six months. What blew us apart was “a whispering campaign” against a particu- lar woman who happened to be bright, assertive, and, yes, very

pretty. One of the founders of Women’s Ink just couldn’t abide this lovely woman’s success at everything.

A couple of years later, I was in Los Angeles for a feminism powwow, maybe eight or nine of us. On our second night, we went bar-hopping in downtown LA, a part of town with which I was totally unfamiliar. We went to a club and when I turned around, the other three women were gone. Don’t get me wrong, I was an adult and able to take care of myself, but this was sup- posed to be “the sisterhood,” and I knew that getting rid of me wasn’t by chance. They didn’t like what I’d been saying at meet- ings. “Friday likes men too much” summed it up. I found a cab. I got back to the hotel, but I was deeply hurt inside as only I could be when other women are cruel to their own gender.

The next morning, I awoke with a burning anus. I hadn’t a clue what it was. Scared and somewhat shamefaced, I called a nice older woman I’d met in LA. She told me to sit in a warm bath and get some Preparation H. I’m smiling as I write this, but I wasn’t smiling then. That is how deeply abandonment by women affects us women. It went way back in time, that de- sertion by my feminist sisters, to being the third wheel of my mother and sister.

I tell the above stories not to demonize women but to include us in the human race. We are no better or worse than men. Men may be more proficient at physical abuse, but perhaps we step up with our adeptness at mental cruelty.

Domination, authority, throw in subjugation and control— all are strong words that interrupt our flow of thought and make us pay attention. Consider our fascination with each new murder, brutality, or rape as we watch TV. What does domi- nation ignite? Th answer, of course, is that state none of us

can avoid: total dependency and domination by the first and foremost person “entitled” to control us. Today, we live in a time when mothers are no longer seen as “sanctifi ” Getting women off the throne of the all-good, all-benevolent Madonna frees up reality.

Has stripping mothers of their benevolence allowed us to see the source of women’s capacity for domination and control? Certainly, women’s swift adaptation into what was once a man’s world says straightaway how adept women are at running things, being “on top.”

Why was there panic in the ’50s leading to arrests of men who solicited the suggestive dominatrix photos of Bettie Page? What was the threat? Men have always enjoyed the fantasy or fact of a woman taking them over, forcing them into submission, gagging them, tying them up, but this was a secret we were not meant to find out.

I predicted in
My Secret Garden
in the early ’70s that “as

women move more strongly into their recently won sexual free- dom, and leave their historic role of second sex behind…they will, ironically, get into domination fantasies more and more. But the move will be in two directions. First, the new reality of being man’s equal makes them unconsciously nervous about their identity as women, and so throws them back into longing for the traditional…dominating man; but second, they will want to explore and signal, even to themselves, their new liberated age by putting themselves into the dominant position of the sexual brute. Whether as brute or brutalized, in fantasy at least, the centuries of female submission are being avenged.”

Now, in fantasy, women dream of the look and texture of a man’s body. We are more into capturing the man, having him,

owning him in ways unavailable to women in the past. Men are wary of women today and rightly so; we were always far more powerful and dominant in his eyes than in our own. Now we are here, strutting in and out of stilettos, breasts hoisted high as possible, and wallets as fat as his.

Who needs a whip?!

In an interview recently, a man told me, “I look forward to a female-dominated world.” I responded, “It may not be much of a wait.” The following Craigslist ads show that for those who want it, it’s already here.

A good looking, very f it, tall, single Asian woman seeking her sub Boy friend, love for a Long-term relationship. I am a normal person, little bit dominant side for mental controlling, spoiling. Not into pain, hardcore things, only looking for a submissive man here, not for Dominant man. pic to pic

Submissive: A strong man, intelligent, driven, confident and passionate who leads all day. In his free time he seeks the comfort and freedom afforded by gifting his submission to a Dominant woman. He desires to lose control, wants to please in all ways, to become free through his submission.

This has been a monumental task, finding a truly Dominant woman who also wants a long term relationship with a wonderful attractive divorced white male who is looking to adore, worship & obey her.