Beyond Ordinary: When a Good Marriage Just Isn't Good Enough (2 page)

Some ten years into my marriage, I found myself asking a question I never imagined I would ask. With haunting regularity, my wife, Brandi, and I were asking, “Why are we married?”

Several events had occurred that forced this question to the forefront of our marriage. We had several close Christians friends who were divorcing. Someone we really looked up to was caught in an affair. In our own relationship we realized that marriage hadn’t taken away all of our problems; it had even added a few along the way.

Beyond that, I had bought into a damaging illusion that was eroding the very foundation of our marriage and causing immense damage. I knew you had to study hard to make it through college. I knew that if you were going to climb the ladder in any professional arena, it would require hard work and dedication. But somehow I thought that if you truly loved someone enough to marry that person, your marriage would just work without your effort and you’d live happily ever after.

So while I focused on trying to build a great church, I also unknowingly communicated to Brandi that I was perfectly okay settling for a mediocre marriage. And if I’m honest, that’s exactly what we had.

I’ll never forget the humbling moment when I realized that while I had helped bring Brandi some of her greatest joys, I had also contributed to her deepest pain. I don’t know why I didn’t see it earlier. I mean, think about it. Can you name any area of your life you can neglect and then expect to see improvement?

Does this work with your body? Nope. Ignore it, and you’ll get fat.

Does this work with your business? Nope. Ignore it, and it will crash.

Does this work with your yard? Nope. Ignore it and, it will be overrun by weeds.

So why in the world do we think we can put our marriages on autopilot and they will still be what God wants them to be?

Marriage is deeply satisfying. Marriage is incredibly fulfilling. Marriage is loads of fun. Marriage is full of joy and hope and laughter. But marriage is not easy. Not even close.

Maybe you have picked up this book as a preemptive move. You’re not in crisis mode. In other words, nobody is threatening to call a divorce attorney . . . but you know you’re stuck. You realize that you and your spouse are losing ground. You’re starting to neglect your marriage. There’s distance setting in, a little hostility beginning to show, and you’re not making any progress. You’re tempted to resign yourself to the idea that this is the best your marriage can be.

But there’s a little voice inside whispering,
You’d better do something
. I want to commend you for being obedient to that voice and picking up this book.

Maybe you are beyond “stuck” and feel like your marriage is on a respirator or maybe even flatlined. You feel out to sea with no shore in sight, and you have no idea which direction to head. As Justin and Trish are fond of saying, “There is a gap between the marriage you have and the marriage you thought you’d have,” and the gap seems insurmountable.

But you don’t want to give up. You haven’t given up. It’s why you’ve picked up this book. And I’m so glad you did.

Let me give you one word of warning: this is not a safe book. I know Justin and Trish. I know their heart. I know their mission. And with no apologies they’re about to disrupt and challenge everything you’ve ever thought about improving in your marriage. At times this book can be painfully honest in its authentic portrayal of what can happen to the best of marriages when left to drift.

As soon as I started reading the manuscript that led to this book, I realized just what an amazing resource Justin and Trish are sharing with us. Tears welled in my eyes as I read, knowing this is not just a book that will help you discover an “extraordinary marriage”; it will actually tell you how to achieve it.

Much of the genius of this book undoubtedly lies in the reality that Justin and Trish have lived these principles themselves. I’ve had the unbelievable privilege of doing life with Justin and Trish over the past twelve years, and I am better for it. I can tell you firsthand that if you’ll listen to the God-given wisdom they share in this book, your life and marriage will never be the same.

I am deeply grateful for the transformation that has happened in my own marriage as a result of the wisdom in this book, and I hope most earnestly it will be so for you as well. May the God of grace lead and guide you through each chapter.

Pete Wilson

Senior pastor, Cross Point Church

A few months ago my wife, Trisha, and I (Justin) found ourselves at the starting line of the Indianapolis mini-marathon. If we could finish the 13.1 miles, it would fulfill our three-year goal to run the race together. Trish had been training about three times per week, working her way up to longer runs. I had been training sporadically at best. I was counting on the adrenaline of being with thirty-one thousand running mates to carry me farther than my training could.

As we approached the four-mile marker, I got a huge smile on my face. We were running at a ten-minute-mile pace, and I felt really good. I said to Trish, “This is amazing. I’ve never run beyond four miles at one time before!”

“What!” she said. I could tell she was more concerned than impressed.

“I ran three times a week for the last month, but I only ran three miles each time. Every step we take past four miles is a personal best for me.”

“You’re crazy!” she said.

I preferred to think I was brilliant. “Think of all the time I saved not doing those long runs on Saturdays,” I said.

Famous last words.

As we approached mile ten, I could feel my legs tighten with
every step. I kept waiting for what everyone calls “the runner’s high” to find me, but it never arrived. When we crossed mile ten, I went down. My quadriceps were balls of tightness, and I couldn’t bend my legs or take a step without piercing pain.

My in-shape wife was just hitting her second wind but was gracious enough to stop and help me stretch. As I lay on the ground in pain, I said to her, “I don’t understand why my legs are cramping up so bad. I drank water all along the way. I stretched out. I felt great just ten minutes ago.”

“Justin,” she said, “you don’t train for the first ten miles. You train for the last three.”

For the next three miles, we walked, kind of ran, and stopped to stretch when I needed to. Trisha could have gone ahead of me and finished in good standing, but she sacrificed her half-marathon time to stay with my ill-trained, broken-down body. We finished in just under three hours.

When most of us get married, we think we are ready for the race before us. We are optimistic. We are in love. We have a plan and a dream. We’ve dated for a year; we went to premarital counseling for a month; we read at least half of a “preparing for your marriage” book. We’ve trained. We’ve prepared. We’re ready.

What most couples don’t realize is that we don’t train for the first ten miles of marriage; we train for the last three. Seemingly without warning, many marriages fall down in the middle of the race. Marriages that seemed fine a few months or years earlier fall victim to the grueling difficulty of the marathon. Couples who had every intention of finishing their race together either run at different paces or quit altogether.

Beyond Ordinary
is written by two fellow runners. We’ve tripped and fallen along the way, but by God’s grace, we’ve found the “runner’s high” in the marriage marathon. This book is a reminder of just how amazing the journey together can be.

Beyond Ordinary
is designed to help you along the way. It will stretch you. It will challenge you. It will inspire you to keep run
ning. It will ask you to help each other up and to run with grace and purpose. To leave ordinary behind as you race toward extraordinary.

Ordinary is the biggest enemy of a great marriage. Ordinary is characterized by dissatisfaction, misunderstanding, and stale love. Ordinary is the birthplace of adultery. Ordinary is a place where divorce looks better than staying together. Ordinary is the subtle trap that convinces you that your marriage is as good as it will ever get. Ordinary marriages lose hope. Ordinary marriages lose vision. Ordinary marriages give in to compromise.

The way to an ordinary marriage is the path of least resistance. If you want an extraordinary marriage, you will have to choose it.

This book is a weapon designed to wage war against ordinary. It isn’t about communicating better or learning what planet your spouse is from or what love language he or she speaks. Instead, this book is a transparent look into the lives of two people who have journeyed from extraordinary to ordinary to nightmarish—and back again, by God’s grace. This is a book about the heart: our hearts, your heart, and the heart of every marriage.

If you’re looking for a book that lists five easy steps to a great marriage, go back to the bookstore. But if you remember what extraordinary felt like and are determined to do whatever it takes to get back there, keep reading.

There will be times when it will feel like it’s over, but it’s not over. There will be times when you will be tempted to throw this book across the room. Go ahead—it can handle it! This book will challenge you to ask questions about yourself and your marriage that will be uncomfortable to consider. Embrace those questions and be honest. It is as we face our fears and learn to tell the truth that we begin to leave ordinary behind in our relationships with God and in our marriages.

Ordinary will be defeated with each turn of the page and with the belief that God is fighting for you more than you are fighting for yourself.

Welcome to the movement beyond marriage as usual.

For many of us there is a gap between the marriage we have and the marriage we thought we would have. Sometimes that gap is created by unrealistic dreams and expectations. But more often that gap is created by a subtle equation that defines many marriages:

It isn’t that we intend to drift away from our spouses, but over time it just happens.

Do you remember the hope you had the day you got married? Do you remember the vows you made—“in sickness and in health,” “for better or worse,” “till death do us part”? Your marriage was going to be different. Your marriage was going to be special. Your marriage was going to be anything but ordinary.

Is your marriage extraordinary today? Or are you miles away
from those early feelings, hopes, and dreams? Even the healthiest marriages have the potential to drift.

You may not be sure how it happened, but over the course of time, your marriage may have become ordinary. You are not the spouse you imagined. You don’t have the marriage you dreamed of when you said, “I do.” Words that once defined your relationship—intimate, fun, exciting, romantic, growing, loving, patient, forgiving—now seem to describe another time and a different couple.

It isn’t that you wanted a marriage of mediocrity; it’s that you’ve drifted into it.

Do you remember what it felt like the first time you met your spouse? How about the late-night conversations and the crazy things you did to impress him or her? What was your first kiss like? Can you picture the backflips your stomach was doing before you asked her to marry you, or while you were waiting to be asked? No matter how long you’ve been married, there is something special about remembering the extraordinary beginning of your relationship. It takes you to a place of hope, allows you to remember your dreams, and reminds you why you chose to commit the rest of your life to your spouse in the first place.

JUSTIN:

When I started college in 1991, I had my life and my future planned out. I had played basketball in high school, and Lincoln Christian College in Lincoln, Illinois, was only a temporary stop on my way to greatness. My plan was to go to Lincoln, play basketball for a year, take some core classes, and then transfer to a bigger, better school and play basketball on scholarship. I wanted to be a teacher and a basketball coach, and Lincoln wasn’t where I wanted to be for the next four years. I was a late bloomer in high school and didn’t get really good until my senior year, so my freshman year at Lincoln would serve as a nice prep year for bigger and better things.

A few days after I arrived on campus, the local paper did a story
on Lincoln’s 1991 freshman recruits. The article described each new player, calling me “the Cadillac of the recruiting class.” That statement summed up how I felt about myself. I was the Cadillac of this little campus. My playing for them was a gift.

My attitude toward God was similar to my attitude toward the school. I was a Christian and went to church, but my life was pretty compartmentalized. Basketball had its place, dating had its place, and God had his place in my heart. I knew what I wanted to do with my life, and God could come along for the ride, but
I
was in the driver’s seat. I had a plan.

Basketball season started, and I performed as expected. Lincoln had won eight games the year before I arrived. My freshman year we won eighteen games. At the end of my first season, I expected offers from bigger schools to come flooding in. I led the team in scoring and rebounding as a freshman; I thought that should be impressive enough. No offers. My plan wasn’t working out.

I went home for the summer feeling defeated. It seemed that I had failed and didn’t have a backup plan. I would have to go back to Lincoln in the fall. I started work a few days later as a cashier at Walmart in my hometown, Crawfordsville, Indiana.

As I was working one afternoon, a familiar face came through my checkout line. Kurt was a few years older than me, and his dad ran the church camp I’d attended as a kid. We recognized each other, and I asked him what he was doing in town. He was a pastor at a small church about ten miles south of Crawfordsville.

Then he said something that changed the entire trajectory of my life: “Why are you working here at Walmart when you could do something great with your life?”

My first thought was,
Dude, step off, this is only a summer gig.
I looked around to see where my boss was before I answered. “I don’t know. I’ve never really thought about it.”

“You should come be my youth pastor,” he said. “I’ll pay you a hundred dollars a weekend to teach Sunday school and children’s church and to start a youth group.”

Was this guy crazy? How did he get in my line at Walmart? I had no idea what a youth pastor was supposed to do, but a hundred dollars a week for a few hours of work sounded like easy money.

I went through the formality of meeting with the leaders at the church, and a few weeks later I started as their weekend youth pastor. My first Sunday I had eight kids show up for youth group. They ranged from fifth to tenth grade. I had prepared a message (my first), and it covered Genesis all the way through Revelation. The message lasted almost an hour. I didn’t want to leave anything out!

At the end of the talk, I closed by saying, “Okay, if you don’t want to go to hell and you want to invite Jesus into your heart, raise your hand.” Kyle, one of the younger teens, raised his hand. I didn’t know what to do at this point. I never thought anyone would raise their hand, so I hadn’t thought through what to do next. Awkwardly, I said a prayer with Kyle, dismissed the kids, and then went to Kurt’s house to make sure that Kyle was saved, because I didn’t know what I was doing.

God used that moment to open my heart to his plan for me. I suddenly realized that I could partner with God to change eternity. I had never thought about that before. Over the next year, I would come back to that church each weekend the basketball team wasn’t traveling, and God would use the church youth to mold me more than he used me to mold them.

My sophomore year, I didn’t fall out of love with myself, but I fell more in love with Jesus and his church. I came to terms with being at Lincoln and changed my major to Christian education. Reluctantly, I was opening myself to God’s plan for my life and surrendering parts of my plan to him. God was preparing me for the plan he had in mind.

That plan began to unfold in the fall of 1993, when Trisha and I met. I was a junior and she was a freshman at Lincoln. After one of our first chapels of the year, my friend Kenny asked, “Have you seen the hot girl with the bright red lipstick?”

I hadn’t . . . yet.

I have to admit something: I am not proud of the story I am about to share. I wish that the details weren’t true, but unfortunately, they are.

Kenny and I walked from the chapel over to the cafeteria, and there Trisha stood—big 1993 hair coupled with bright red lipstick. She was indeed hot. I wanted to make a big impression, so I approached her with confidence.

“Hey there, beautiful. I don’t think we’ve ever met.” She smirked with what was either charm or disgust. So I continued to wow her. “My name is God, and—” pointing to Kenny—“this is my son, Jesus Christ.”

I don’t really know what I was thinking with that introduction. Maybe because we were at Bible college, I thought it would be both spiritual and endearing. Trisha thought it was neither.

I thought it was money.

Trisha reluctantly shook my hand. “I’m just kidding,” I said. “I’m JD, and this is my buddy Kenny. You should really get to know us.”

Honestly, I don’t remember what Trisha said at that point because I was so impressed with my introduction.

I knew I had made an impression. Kenny begged me to set him up with her, and the next morning, I saw Trisha walking out of the cafeteria. I approached her believing I could convince her to go out with Kenny. After all, I was a well-known junior all-American basketball player, while she was a freshman who, by now, had probably heard all about how great I was.

“Hey, Trisha,” I said. “I’m sure you remember me from yesterday. I wanted to talk to you about something.” She looked annoyed, but I wasn’t fazed. “It’s really early in the semester. Having been here a couple of years now, I wanted to let you know how dating works here at LCC. This is prime time because there are a lot of dating options right now. Those options tend to get less attractive as the semester goes on.”

She looked at me as if I had a third eye.

“My friend Kenny that you met yesterday—”

“Jesus Christ?” she interrupted.

“Yeah, Jesus Christ. He may not be the best-looking guy, but he is really nice. You should consider going out with him.”

Obviously this wasn’t the best way to set someone up, but I was expecting that she wouldn’t be interested in Kenny. I wanted to ask her out, but I couldn’t do that to my good friend . . . until he was denied, that is.

“Sorry,” she said. “I’m not interested in going out with Kenny. I have a boyfriend back home.” “Boyfriend back home” was often code for “not interested.” She wasn’t interested in Kenny, but I walked away with an assurance that given some time, she would be interested in me.

I called her the next day to ask her out. Her roommate answered the phone.

“Hey, this is Justin Davis. Is Trisha there?”

I could hear her roommate whisper, “It’s Justin Davis. He wants to talk to you.” I was expecting Trisha to be excited to talk to me, but she sounded more confused than excited. Maybe she was just intimidated.

“Hey, Trisha. It’s Justin Davis. I wanted to see if you’d like to grab some dinner, maybe go to a movie this weekend.”

“Do you remember yesterday when I told you I had a boyfriend back home?” she asked.

“Yeah, I vaguely remember,” I admitted.

“Well, I have a boyfriend back home.”

“Oh, you were serious? That wasn’t just because you weren’t interested in Kenny?”

“I was serious.”

“So me asking you out doesn’t change your ‘boyfriend back home’ status?” I pressed.

“No,” she said, and that ended the conversation.

She said no?
I thought.
What just happened? Maybe she hasn’t heard about how great I am.

What she didn’t know was that I had three guys from the basketball team in my room when I asked her out, since I was going to show them how to capture the heart of a lady.

I’m competitive, I don’t like to lose, and my pride was hurt a little by this rejection, so I made a bet with one of the guys in the room that I could get Trisha to go out with me by the end of the semester. But even after my friend gladly pocketed my fifty dollars—way too many rejections later—I continued (unsuccessfully) to ask Trisha out.

But Trisha had made a fatal mistake in her strategy: she became a cheerleader. And since the cheerleaders traveled with the basketball team to away games, naturally, we began to spend a lot of time together.

TRISHA:

In 1993 I found myself, as if beamed from another planet, in the middle of a cornfield attending Lincoln Christian College in Lincoln, Illinois. It was a far cry from the hustle and bustle of living in the inner city of Joliet, just south of Chicago. It makes me chuckle when people talk about the “inner city” as this dark place in need of rescue. From my point of view, this poor little town in the middle of nowhere was in desperate need of some rescuing. For example, how can a respectable town have only two fast-food restaurants and one gas station?

I came from a high school with rich culture in which fashion trends were an eclectic mix of Salt-N-Pepa meets Nirvana. When I came to LCC, I definitely represented a fashion style the campus had never seen before. Cross Colours clothes and bright red lips were the norm back home, but it was apparent that Wrangler jeans and clear lip gloss ruled here. What else could these people wear when the only place to shop for clothes was the farm goods store?

I was the first in my family to go to college. I had no idea what
I was doing, and the fact that I stood out like a sore thumb didn’t help. As I sat in my dorm room terrified, I thought,
I’m so out of place. I don’t belong here. But I’m from Joliet! I’m strong and street smart. I. Can. Do. This!
So I stood up and went to the dorm room next to mine.

My introduction to a group of girls huddled together on the floor talking—who I assumed had all just met—didn’t go so well. I was greeted with a look of “What in the world is this girl doing?” Apparently they
did
all know each other, and I had just interrupted their conversation.

“Hi, I’m Trisha Lopez!” I said. Why I felt the need to share my full name is still a mystery, but I continued, “Are you guys freshmen too?”

Crickets.

In my desperate need to fill the awkward air, I kept going with the questions. “Where are you guys from?”

Giggles. One of them blurted out, “Effingham, Illinois!” Now I’d lived in Illinois my whole life and had never heard of Effingham, which sounded to me like they were trying to say a bad word in code. I stood there speechless.

Eventually Jodi (who had more energy than all of us combined) spoke up and introduced me to the rest of the group. Angie, Jodi, Brooke, and Beth became not only my best friends but Justin’s, too. Without my knowledge this crew became “Team Justin,” his partners in crime to convince me to date him.

It started with plans of attack like Justin’s driving to my hometown to a party that he wasn’t invited to. Then there was the day he talked Team Justin into breaking into my dorm room to get my dirty laundry so he could wash and dry it for me, underwear and all. I was mortified!

Justin was the big man on campus.
Everyone
called him JD. Girls would rub his bald head and say, “Hi, JD!” So I called him Justin. I thought he was an arrogant country boy who considered himself the Michael Jordan of our campus. He definitely wasn’t the guy you wanted washing your dirty underwear.

But something was changing in our relationship. The more time we spent together, his need to be “JD” melted away, and I was given a view into his heart that he’d never shown to another girl before. What he didn’t know was the grander the view he gave me, the more my heart was falling in love with his. Team Justin was starting to win.