Beyond Our Stars (3 page)

“And in return I'm helping her learn how to attract the right kind of boy.” Houston wiggled her eyebrows at me.

“And what kind is the right kind?” I asked with a sigh.

Houston paused dramatically, dipping her large heart-shaped face to the side, “The kind that makes you happy that you have no one to answer to, cause you can stay out
all
night long,” she finished with a sultry look that seemed more like sleepy than anything else. I groaned. Only Houston would claim the deaths of our parents were some kind of a blessing for getting it on. Marseille remained silent and fiddled with her hands under the table, and I wondered what possible reason this girl could have for hanging out with my hormonally irresponsible friend.

“There are so many other things to think about besides boys,” I said to Houston.

“Yeah, but how can you think of other things when you haven't managed to
have
any boys yet?” she retorted.

I gave her an impassive look back and she threw her napkin at me. It was gross, she'd used it and it was slimy with her chewed food. I tossed it off my lap with the tips of my fingers.

“How are things with Delhi?” I asked.

Delhi was the Indian boy she was currently messing around with. Delhi had migrated to our country when he was a small child. A lot of people had moved somewhere, not realizing that no matter what any theories said about where might be safer, it was a global problem. Asking about Delhi was a ploy to get her off my back and leave me be, and she knew it, but she happily commenced giving me and Marseille every dirty detail.

“So, are you gonna' pair with him?” Marseille asked Houston in a voice so quiet I could barely hear her.

“Yeah, maybe. He seems like a good match for me, but I think I might have to fight off Virginia, she's been eyeing him, too.”

“You don't have to pair off, none of us do,” I said, irritation filling my voice as I found myself repeating something I'd said so many times that nobody seemed to hear.

“Who are you to talk? You're already paired off and all set for your future,” Houston said dryly.

“I'm with Chance because I love him. I'd be with him even if they weren't telling us all to pair off, because I want him with me. Not because I'm supposed to or because we're getting married. You can choose not to…” I didn't bother to finish because I could see plainly that neither of them was interested.

This was how it was now, the human race needed to replenish itself and very few people were questioning it. But I didn't like how Houston romanticized it. Having kids and making a life on our new planet was going to be hard, not some dreamy scenario where we all got married off and then our future was ‘all set'.

After dinner I went back to my room, taking my time. I liked to walk the corridors and the people in this area had gotten to know me enough that no one stopped me to chitchat. I wasn't much for small talk but I liked to get lost in my thoughts with people walking past, going about their day. It made me feel like I was being social without actually having to have conversation. I kept my eyes down because the lighting hurt if you looked at it too long.

I let my fingers trail over the smooth sheets of metal that lined the walls and the bumps that were bracketing them together. Often the gray panels didn't match since they were hastily taken from different sources, and sometimes they had flecks of other colors. I moved my hand up and down in a roller-coaster motion, letting my fingertips graze some of the pipes that made their way around the ship transporting one thing or another to its destination. The ships weren't very beautiful to most people, but they were to me. They weren't built to be an impressive thing to look at, they were built quickly out of necessity, to perform a function. Even if I was worried about how long they'd hold together I liked their utility, the fact that you could see the guts of the machine right in front of your eyes.

Before I knew it, it was close to eight, so I made my way back to my quarters to get ready. Really, nothing out of the ordinary was going to happen tonight but I liked to look good. Before Chance, I hadn't given much thought to my appearance, but his reactions made me care. The way he took me in with his eyes, it made me want to live up to the image of me I was sure he had in his mind.

I pressed my code into the pad that slid the door to my quarters shut behind me and took the three steps to my bed. It was a luxury, having my own room. Even if it was the size of a walk-in closet. Most other people shared quarters but they were siblings or parent and child, or at least relatives. The orphans had been given the quarters intended for couples. So the eight-by-six metal room was all mine.

I had about fifteen minutes to get ready so I ransacked my drawers which were tucked neatly under my black plastic bed. We'd been allowed to bring one backpack of personal belongings on board with us, so I didn't have much for clothes besides the navy blue uniform provided to everyone. They also gave us a long sleeve shirt made of warm, durable material, a short sleeve of lighter material, and two pairs of pants. There wasn't much of a need to contend with environment because that was controlled on the ship. Uniforms were washed twice a month. Group showers once a week. Communal toilets in the hallway. That was all the water treatment system could handle. I wistfully remembered pajamas. Now, it was sleep naked for everyone. Things like pajamas aren't a luxury until you don't have them anymore.

I was wearing the short sleeve and I ripped it off and grabbed the one shirt I'd brought. It said
Modern Electric
on it. It was a band I'd loved when I was twelve years old, thinking I was so cool for loving them. It still fit after all these years, if it was a bit snug. But it gave me a feeling of being a carefree girl and I knew Chance liked it when I wore it. In my backpack I'd also brought my journal from when I was a kid, and two of my favorite books. That's it. When I'd left my house with my parents in the car, we'd headed away from the coast because a tsunami was supposed to hit San Fran. We had no idea we were driving into a volcanic eruption. So those things were all I had from my house. I hadn't known any better.

There was a small mirror above my little twin bed, a tiny six-inch by six-inch square. So I had to hover and move up and down seeing bits of myself but not the picture as a whole. I brushed my teeth, swishing fresh water from a jar I kept by my bed, and spitting it out into another, grosser jar. I combed my long brown hair back away from my face. It fell in messy, natural waves down my back and I let it hang loose. Chance loved to run his fingers through it. I never had to wonder if he thought I was beautiful, it was in his eyes all the time.

I supposed I was pretty-ish. Somehow, I'd grown into a girl that some boys might like to look at. But it didn't matter, not for anyone but Chance. Back on Earth before the end a nice appearance might have meant something, might have given you advantages. But now it was all about work. About training, about what you could accomplish with your own two hands. A pretty face meant nothing unless all a girl wanted to do was attract a husband. And that wasn't me. The way some of the boys acted like the girls were on display for their choosing made me a little ill.

As soon as we landed it would be time to start thinking of what work I'd enjoy doing for the rest of my life, what I'd be best at. Only I wasn't the best at anything I'd tried yet. I only knew a little about a whole lot of things. But I was sure once everything settled and everyone was happy after T.D., I'd figure it out. Maybe there was something worth doing on Haven.

I finished up and made it to Chance's quarters a few minutes past eight. I entered his code into his keypad to open the door. It slid open and I frowned, squinting into the dull light in the tiny room.

“Are you going to come in?” I heard him ask. My eyes adjusted and I realized he had the lights off but a solitary candle flickered across the small space.

I smiled. He really was a big ole softy at heart. I stepped inside and keyed in the code to shut the doors. It got even darker and suddenly I wondered if he did think tonight was about more than it usually was. Something felt different. The dim light illuminated the very serious expression on his face.

“Ready for the movie?” I asked, testing the waters.

“First, I want to talk to you about something. Sit down next to me.” Still with the serious face, and an earnest tone in his voice.

I shook back and forth on my legs a couple times, not wanting to sit. Wanting things to be the usual, same as they always were. But I had a hard time believing this was about sex. Chance was not the kind of guy to pressure. I sat.

He let out a long breath. “So listen, we're gonna be landing in a little bit, and so I think this is the right time.” I gulped. This
was
about sex?

He paused, like he was waiting for something. I opened my mouth but realized I had no idea what to say. Then, strangely, he slid down off the bed and onto his knees.

He reached into one of the drawers underneath me and pulled out a small paper box. He opened it and placed the ring that was inside into the palm of my hand. I opened my fingers and looked at it, confused.

A plain metal circle, probably molded from some ship scrap metal. I turned it over and inside someone had scratched in a rough representation of an eternity symbol.

I stared at it, trying to make my mind work but it refused. I looked up at Chance's face. His eyes held mine with an intensity I found distracting. What was this?

And then I knew. I knew what it was. And before I could stop myself what came out was, “Oh, Chance, no. No.”

It was the first thing that came into my mind. But my next thought was regret as I watched his eyes go blank and then cold.

“Maybe we could go do some work in the tanks together later? Get you ready for the final?” I was hovering near Chance, having to talk to his back because he constantly turned it on me or walked in front of me.

“I'm set, don't worry,” he said without emotion. He picked up his pace and went to class as I turned a hallway to go to mine. No goodbye.

Chance had been really moody ever since that night. Nothing I said or did seemed to make him happy.

I'd explained, I'd told him that I loved him, of course I loved him, but that marriage just wasn't what was right for me right now. Or for him. I'd even tried to laugh about it a little at first, but that had made him madder. I'd really managed to hurt him. And I felt absolutely terrible.

He'd asked me to leave that night, and after hugging him and giving him unreturned kisses I obliged. But the next day Chance skipped classes and when I went to go bang on his door no one answered. I even entered in his code and it was changed. I had no idea if he was there and ignoring me or off hiding in some other part of the ship. I left.

I didn't want to lose him. I tried not to think about what the proposal might've meant. I tried to think that the impeding T.D. was making him nervous that I'd start a new life without him once we weren't confined to the ship. But I had no intention of doing that. Always, in my mind, I pictured Chance as a part of my life.

After a few days he'd started letting me see him a little. But it was like he only saw me so that he could either ignore me or be rude to me. And I never saw him at night, I didn't even ask.

But tonight I knew exactly where he'd be. The slamming final was this evening, after classes.

I'd made it through the early morning and was almost to the door for Repopulation when a boy stopped me in my tracks by standing in my way.

“You enjoying our last day of classes?” he asked me in a pleasant voice.

I wondered if I should know him. He had shiny, jet black hair that he let grow long around his face. His eyes were strange, and …I thought he must have been wearing eyeliner or something. The sweetness in his voice didn't match.

“Yes, I guess.” I didn't know this kid. I didn't like the way he blocked my path, standing too close.

His expression wavered. He frowned. “I'm Legacy, we talked last year in Probes and Shuttles.”

I couldn't help the raise of my eyebrows. “Oh, I'm sorry, okay,” I waited to see if there was something else he wanted to tell me. Though, honestly, I had no idea who he was and if we'd exchanged more than a few words I was sure I'd remember.

He kept standing in my way and looking at me. It was starting to get weird so I moved to the side so I could walk into class.

He moved in front of me again.

“I have to get to class, is there something I can help you with?”

Suddenly Legacy looked defeated and he moved to the side.

I walked into the room and tried to put the look in his eyes out of my head.

I made it through the rest of classes and sent up a hallelujah that it was over! The icing on top of my sweet, sweet cake was the slamming finals tonight. I'd been feeling too horribly guilty, I needed some excitement.

Since Chance had turned me down for practice I went to his room to see if he was trying to get some rest beforehand. He'd never told me the new code, but I could still knock.

When I got to his quarters the door was already open. I peeked in and saw that the room was cleared out of any personal belongings. My mind swirled.

I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned to see Chance's half-sister, Billie. Her full name was Possibility but understandably she preferred something simpler and less meaningful. Her brown eyes were icy and she kept turning her head to the side like she was infuriated with me.

“He moved in with me ‘til T.D.” she said in her little girl voice. She was only thirteen.

“He did? Why would he do that?” I was stunned. When we first boarded there had been a little mix-up and ship officials hadn't known that Chance and Billie were related, so they each got separate quarters instead of bunk beds. Chance had enjoyed his privacy and being able to have me over, so we hadn't had it corrected and no one bothered about it.