Beyond the Breaking Point (27 page)

Cassidy returned to work with an increased sense of empathy for her patients. Her morning sickness hadn’t decreased. In fact it had kicked up a notch, despite the anti-nausea medication she took. Everything churned her stomach, including the smell of coffee which was a real pain in the ass. She loved coffee and now she had to give it up. In addition to an upset, sensitive stomach, now she had to suffer through caffeine withdrawal.

Her coworkers knew she was pregnant. Hard not to with her turning green and rushing to the toilet several times an hour. Cassidy could hardly keep it a secret, even if she’d been inclined to do so. It was either tell them the truth or have them think she’d come down with a summer flu.

Then there were the congratulations and questions to suffer through. How far along was she? What did she want, a girl or a boy? How excited was Phillip when she told him? Had she told her folks, and what was their reaction to the news they were going to be grandparents?

The last question made her realize she couldn’t put off calling her mom any longer. Better she heard about the pregnancy from her rather than Phillip. There was no telling what he’d say. Besides, she needed to tell her mom about the divorce. While she hoped her mother would understand, she didn’t hold out much expectation of it.

She made it through the day, sipping on sports drinks to keep from getting dehydrated and nibbling crackers to settle her stomach. At home, she slipped into a pair of leggings and a loose T-shirt, absently wondering how long before she needed to shop for new clothes. Already the cups of her bras were fitting a little tight.

She nuked a bowl of soup and felt the warmth of it settle her abused stomach muscles as she ate. Then taking a deep calming breath, made the call she’d been avoiding. Her mother answered on the third ring.

“Cassidy?”

She stretched out on the couch, pushing the memory of her and Max lying on it last night out of her mind. “Hi, Mom.”

“How have you been? I haven’t heard from you in a while. Did you and Phillip get your problem straightened out?”

It was now or never. “That’s why I called, Mom. Phillip and I are divorcing.”

“What in the world? Cassidy Ann Brannon, what is going on between you two? I thought the counseling had helped.”

Wincing, Cassidy sat up and rested her forehead on her raised knee. “I thought it had, too, but I was wrong. I filed for divorce.”

“And he’s agreed?” her mother asked, voice sharp with disbelief.

“No, he says he’s going to fight it, but I don’t want him to. I want out.”

Her mother sighed. “Cassidy, you know I’m not one to poke in your business, but are you sure you’re making the right decision? I told you when you first announced your intention to marry Phillip to think carefully. That marriage is forever. If you didn’t think you could see yourself living with this man for the rest of your life to reconsider. You assured me and your father that you were sure.”

“And at the time, Mom, I was. Things change. People change. Phillip sure has and the man he’s become, I don’t want to live with.”

“Is he,” her mother hesitated, “has he been physically abusive?”

Cassidy straightened in shock. “No, Phillip’s no wife beater.”

“Then what’s the problem, Cassidy, and don’t give me that nonsense about people changing? Of course they change. We all do. That’s called life,” her mother said, exasperation in her tone.

Seeing no choice but to tell her mother the whole truth, Cassidy said, “Remember when I told you we were going to marriage counseling?”

“Yes, I thought it was a good idea. I still do.”

“Well, the reason for the counseling was that Phillip had an affair. I found out about it because he gave me a sexually transmitted disease. When I confronted him, he lied. Then he confessed the truth. I was going to divorce him then, but he talked me into counseling instead. I thought, until two months ago, that I’d made the right decision. Things were better than ever before. Then Max and I walked in on him and Amber getting it on in the condo we’d rented. I couldn’t stay with him after that.”

“First, going on vacation with another couple, an unmarried one at that, is never a good idea. That’s asking for trouble. You say you and Max walked in? Where were you?”

“We’d gone shopping. Phillip was tired and asked to stay behind.”

“You left him alone with another woman?”

“Mom, are you blaming me for his infidelity?” Cassidy asked, astonished and a bit hurt.

“No, of course not. I’m just saying you should have had better sense than to leave your attractive husband alone with another woman.”

“You
are
blaming me,” she exclaimed, unable to believe it.

“No, Cassidy, I’m not saying it’s your fault. All I’m saying is that if you knew he had a weakness in that area, you should have been more cautious.”

 “Well, excuse me for trusting my husband and believing him when he said his affair was a one-time, never-to-be-repeated event caused by problems we’d been having in our relationship.”

“There’s no need to get snippy with me for pointing out the truth. He’s a man. Men are weak, especially black men. They have a weakness for the opposite sex.”

“I’m sure Dad wouldn’t have…” Cassidy muttered.

Her mother snorted out a laugh. “Child, your father’s a man like any other.”

Astonished she asked, “Are you saying Dad has cheated on you?”

“Of course not. I never gave him the opportunity. That’s something you’ll have to learn to do with Phillip.”

Cassidy rose to pace the living room. “Mom, I don’t want to be with a man I can’t trust. Isn’t that what marriage is supposed to be about?”

“It should be, but you have to be realistic. No man, or woman for that matter, is perfect. Given the right temptation we’re all prone to stray. You can’t prevent the temptation, but you can lessen his ability and opportunity to give in to it. Are you taking care of matters in the bedroom like you should?”

Scandalized, Cassidy said, “Mom!”

“Now, Cassidy, we’re both women here. If you’re not taking care of your responsibilities as a wife, of course he’ll go looking elsewhere and really, who could blame him?”

I could
, she thought viciously. “Yes, I’m taking care of my responsibilities,” she said through clenched teeth.

“Don’t go getting angry with me because I asked the question. It was a reasonable one. A lot of women want to play games in the bedroom and use sex to control their husbands. And then when he gets sick of it and goes looking elsewhere, they have the nerve to get angry with him. I’m not saying you’re one of those, but I had to ask to be sure,” her mother said in her most reasonable tone.

“I didn’t…we’re not…” Frustrated, Cassidy broke down and told her mother in full detail what had happened in Orlando between Amber and Phillip, and his excuses afterwards. “I believe him—”

“Then why—?” her mother began.

“Because I don’t trust him.” The words burst out of her. “I refuse to live my life wondering when it will happen again, and what the excuse will be next time. First, it was ‘My wife is working too many hours and not spending enough time with me.’ Then it was, ‘She came onto me while my guard was down.’ How long before he stops needing an excuse and simply goes for it because the woman offered and he was curious?” She took a deep breath and leaned her head against the cool sheetrock of the wall. If she didn’t calm down, her stomach would rebel. “I can’t live like that, Mom. I just can’t.”

After a minute of silence, her mother said quietly, “Cassidy, you’re an adult. I can’t decide for you, but I urge you to consider carefully what you’re doing. All marriages have their special set of issues. You signed on ‘for better or for worse.’ Those weren’t just words. They were a vow to God. I notice you never said anything about not loving Phillip. Where there is love, there is hope. I believe you two can still work things out, but
you
have to be willing. One person does not a marriage make, nor can one person alone break it. Before continuing this course of action, I suggest you make sure you’re doing all that you can to be a good wife to Phillip.”

Cassidy didn’t say anything. She couldn’t.

“I’m going to go now. You think about what I said. Good-bye.”

“Bye, Mom.” Cassidy disconnected the call, slid down the wall to the floor, and cried.

Chapter Fifteen

After crying out her anger and pain, Cassidy dosed herself with a large bowl of ice cream therapy. Then she called Erika.

“Hey, what’s—”

“My mom says it’s my fault Phillip cheated,” Cassidy said with no preamble.

“What! That’s a shitty thing to say. Huh, yes, Macey, Mommy knows that’s a bad word...No you may not use it...Because I’ll wash your mouth out with dish detergent. Go find your father and let Mommy talk to Cassidy.”

“Hi, Cassidy!” she heard a little voice yell in the background.

“Hi, Macey.”

“Cassidy said ‘Hi.’ What? No, she hasn’t had the baby yet. Go!”

Cassidy found herself smiling at Macey’s antics.

“Sorry, she heard me and Dave talking about you being pregnant. One of her preschool teachers is expecting so she understood. Now what do you mean your mother blames you?” Erika asked with enough ire that it soothed Cassidy’s wounded heart.

“She said she isn’t, but she asked all these questions. Why did I leave Phillip and Amber alone? Am I doing all I can as a wife? She even questioned our sex life. Asked if I was giving Phillip enough sex,” Cassidy said, outraged all over again.

Erika whistled. “She said that?”

“No, she asked if I was ‘taking care of my responsibilities as a wife,’ but that’s what she meant.”

“You want me to beat her up for you?”

“Erika, she’s my mother.”

“I know, but I’d totally do it if you wanted me to,” she said with apparent sincerity.

Cassidy laughed and it felt good.

“See, made you smile. I’m sorry you had to go through that,” she said on a more serious note. “Don’t let her get to you.”

“I’m trying not to. I knew she wouldn’t approve, but I never expected her to turn the tables on me that way and make it my fault, however much she said she wasn’t.”

“Well, I got your back. Mothers, what do they know?” Erika said dismissively.

Sometimes a lot, Cassidy mused.

“So, did you tell Phillip about the divorce? How did he take it?”

She gave Erika a rundown of last night’s events, including Max’s visit. There was absolute silence on the other end when she finished.

“Run that by me again?” Erika eventually said.

“Which part?”

“The part where he laughed and said he forgave you,” Erika said, sounding bemused.

“You heard me the first time.”

“Yeah, but I don’t believe it. Girl, when’s the last time that man was drug tested? Somebody gave him the good stuff.”

Once again, Erika managed to startle a laugh out of her. “I don’t think he’s on drugs. I think he blames Max. You should have seen his face when I mentioned being drunk. Maybe he thinks Max deliberately got me drunk so he could have his wicked way with me. Like I’m some naïve twit that doesn’t know how to hold her liquor—”

“You don’t,” Erika reminded her.

“He doesn’t realize I’m equally if not more than responsible for what happened between me and Max. After all, it was my idea. Phillip has no idea I—”

“Jumped Max’s bones and rode him like a naked cowboy?” Erika helpfully suggested, suppressed laughter in her voice.

Cassidy scowled. “That’s not what I was going to say.”

“But it’s the truth, isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” Cassidy grudgingly admitted.

“So, let’s recap. You have two potential fathers, both claiming to be the father and both planning on exercising their parental rights. You have a husband who won’t let go and a lover who’s simply waiting for your divorce to be final before asking for more,” Erika neatly summarized.

“Max is not my lover.”

Erika laughed. “The way you two keep circling each other, won’t be long before it’s true.”

For the second time that night, she’d been left without a comeback.

After talking with Erika, in order to get some much-needed rest Cassidy cut off her phone, took a long shower and went to bed. Her dreams were crazy. In one Phillip played Keep Away with the baby with Max as his pursuer. In another, Max and Phillip played tug-of-war, with Cassidy as the rope. With each pull her arms stretched longer, and longer and longer, like Elastigirl in that Pixar flick. She begged and pleaded with them to stop, but they wouldn’t listen.

She woke in the middle of the night, gasping for air, and with a massive headache. Was her subconscious trying to tell her something? Cassidy hoped not. Blaming the dream on pregnancy hormones, she went into the bathroom for a pain reliever with an added sleep aide. She’d have a hard time waking in the morning, but if it kept her from dreaming, it would be worth it.

The next day she was groggy and felt hung over. It sucked that she couldn’t drink coffee, but a coworker gave her some herbal tea that contained a trace of caffeine. Sweetened with honey, it wasn’t half bad and it helped ease her aching head.

Chris called that morning before she began rounds. “I filed your paperwork with the courthouse. Phillip will be served before the week is out and have twenty days to respond.”

“He still says he won’t sign.”

“Even knowing the child might not be his?”

“He said the baby was his and that was the end of the discussion,” Cassidy told her.

“I see. Are you sure you still want to proceed? It’s not too late to change your mind. A child will further complicate the proceedings and I can’t promise—”

“I know,” Cassidy interrupted. 

“Well, if you’re sure. Maybe he’ll change his mind once the papers are in his hands.”

“I hope so,” Cassidy said fervently.