Beyond the Consequences: Book 5 of the Consequences Series (Volume 5) (24 page)

Claire’s eyes opened wide. “Monsieur Phil? We all love him. I don’t know what we’d do without him.”

“Oui, but not that kind of love: the kind like exists between you and Monsieur Rawlings—it’s written all over their faces.”

“Do you mean Taylor?” Claire asked as she stopped what she was doing and tried to remember. Had she been so caught up in everything to do with herself that she hadn’t seen it? Perhaps she had. She mentioned it once to Tony, but that was a long time ago. Claire contemplated Madeline’s information. She knew better than to question Madeline. The sweet woman undoubtedly had a sixth sense about everything and everyone. “I don’t think I realized.” Her emerald eyes sparkled. “I’m happy for them… but they haven’t mentioned it, so we’d better pretend like we don’t know.”

Madeline continued to fold and put clothes into the cherry dresser. “Words are not the only way we communicate. You can give your blessing through your actions. I believe he’s afraid to tell you.”

“Why? Did he tell you that?”

“No, Madame el. He did not need to.”

Claire didn’t reply as Madeline’s words registered. She and Phil were friends. He’d protected her and Nichol when they needed it most. He’d stayed true to her family when the world was in chaos. She wanted him happy, and if Taylor did that, she wouldn’t be the one to spoil it. After all, he’d been the one to support her and Tony. Had he not traveled back to Europe and brought Tony to the island, Claire’s life, as well as Nichol’s would be totally different.

A few days later, Claire asked Phil to her office alone. As they sat and talked, their years of friendship were evident. As with many of the relationships in Claire’s life, it had begun rather unconventionally—Phil was sent to California to spy on her—yet with time things change. When he stood to leave, Claire reached up and hugged him. “You know I only want what’s best for you.”

Phil nodded. “The feeling’s mutual.”

“I like Taylor. She’s been around for a year and feels like one of the family.”

His cheeks rose and the flakes of gold sparkled in his eyes. “We weren’t hiding. We’re trying to be professional.”

Claire rubbed his shoulder. “As long as you know that we know, we’re good. I don’t want to ever make you feel uncomfortable. Honesty has always been our strong suit.”

“All of you are our responsibility,” Phil said. “Neither Taylor nor I nor Eric would allow anything to happen. I don’t want you to think our loyalty is divided.”

“It better be,” Claire proclaimed.

Phil took a step back. “What do you mean?”

“When you first started working for me, it was just me. Then you brought Tony back, and then Nichol came. Now our little man is on his way.” Claire smiled. “I’ve never felt less protected because you had more than me to babysit.”

Phil’s smile broadened at the term. “Babysit…” He said shaking his head.

“Taylor can be on that list too. I know you, and I know you won’t let any of us down.”

“Thank you. Just so you know,” Phil said as he opened the door, “there’s only one Mrs. Alexander.”

Until we have seen someone’s darkness, we don’t really know who that person is. Until we have forgiven someone’s darkness, we don’t really know what love is.

—Marianne Williamson

TONY WOKE WITH
a start from the sensation of falling—from where he didn’t know—down to an unknown chasm. The downward sensation could either end in a crash, the ramifications undetermined, or by sheer will. That wasn’t even a conceivable choice. Anthony Rawlings couldn’t plummet into the unidentified abyss; he chose will. The subconscious decision was evidenced by his increased heart rate as well as elevated temperature. Tony’s brow glistened in the moonlit room. Taking a deep breath, he reached for his anchor, his rock, his life, but the bed beside him was empty. The more he groped toward Claire’s side of the bed, the more he found only cooled, lonely sheets. Looking to the clock near the side of the bed, he saw that it was a little after 2:00.

Sighing, he threw back the covers, sat, and allowed his eyes to adjust to the darkness. “Claire?” he called, quietly, so as to not wake her if she were asleep somewhere else. Evenings past, he’d found her that way, sleeping on the sofa before the large fireplace. Her back had been giving her bouts of pain, and Tony knew that some nights she was having increasing difficulty staying comfortable and asleep. Not finding her on the sofa, he smirked. The best chance of her location was behind the door to their private bathroom. Nichol had done the same thing to her, especially late in the pregnancy. Two or three trips in one night were not uncommon.

Opening the door, he stepped onto the cool tile floor. The room was empty. As he returned to the suite, he heard her voice coming from the darkened nursery. “Tony, why are you awake?”

The smile that came to his lips did little to hide his relief. He knew his anxiety at ever losing her again was both unfounded and obsessive. It was his most discussed topic with his therapist. Over time he’d come to realize that of the few people who’d occupied a place in his heart, Claire was the only one who remained. The others had either died or disappointed him beyond repair. Her steadfastness gave him something he’d never before had, and there was a part of him that feared losing it. That wasn’t Claire’s issue; it was his.

If asked, Tony would tell the world he didn’t need the psychobabble shit. He’d tell them he was done and it was all a farce. However, he knew that answer wouldn’t be the truth. Like Jim at Yankton, his current therapist expected honesty, and somewhere in the last three years, Tony had found an acceptable outlet in the weekly sessions. Claire didn’t need to be bothered with his irrational thoughts; truly, she’d dealt with enough of them from both him and herself. Tony would never speak to Brent or Tim of anything so personal. Perhaps that was the difference between most women and men. Claire had cut back her therapy to once a week, claiming that speaking to her friends, especially Courtney and Meredith, was as helpful as speaking to Dr. Brown.

Tony’s personal relationships with his friends had changed over the years, since Claire. Everything in his life could be divided into BC or AC: Before Claire or After Claire. It was hard not to think that way: the difference was too extreme. From his cold detached way of conducting business, to his peripheral personal relationships, and his private life, what Tony lived now in the AC was almost a dream in comparison to the way he had lived.

Long ago he’d stopped wondering how someone so lovely and loving could love him. He had to. The obsession almost cost him everything. At Yankton he’d come to the conclusion that it wasn’t truly possible. Claire’s love couldn’t be real, not for someone like him. Subsequently, the reality he finally reached was that he couldn’t accept her love and forgiveness until he loved and forgave himself. It was a breakthrough realization. No one in his life had ever forgiven his indiscretions. No one in his life forgave; instead, they sought justice and vengeance. It was all he’d ever known, until her: the one woman who had every right to hate and seek revenge didn’t. The one person he’d wronged more than any other, and instead of cementing his tomb of hatred, she shattered it into a million pieces, giving him light where there had only been dark.

That realization changed everything. Tony no longer conducted his business affairs as he had, and yet he was still successful. He no longer treated his friends as he had, and they were closer for it. The difficult side of this new way of living was the dependence he now felt toward Claire. Before Claire, he was an island. Tony needed no one, nor did he depend on anyone. At the time, the isolation was comforting. If no one knew the real him, he would never be hurt. If he looked at spreadsheets and saw only numbers, not lives or livelihoods, decisions were easier. The world of black and white may be a solitary place to live, but it’s an easier one to navigate. The colorful explosion that occurred AC was blinding and exhilarating. Everything in every aspect of his life was now different.

Anthony Rawlings knelt beside the woman who’d changed him in more ways than he ever thought he wanted to change her. As he did, he knew he wouldn’t go back to black and white, to BC. He didn’t want to. She was one of his anchors, keeping him from slipping back into that abyss. In a short time he’d have another—another child, another anchor. Tony’s life was about more than himself. It was about Claire, Nichol, and soon Nathaniel. Tony looked up into the color that changed it all, the one shade that began the cascade of pigments that transformed his world forever. Tony gazed into the depth of emerald green.

Claire’s chair moved back and forth as he placed his hands on her midsection and asked, “Is it your back?”

She nodded. “It was, but now I’m just thinking.”

He waited for more. When none was given, he asked, “About?”

Her petite hands framed his scruffy cheeks. “Tony, will you promise me something?”

Feeling the movement within her, he knew there was nothing within his power he wouldn’t do. She truly didn’t need to ask. “Anything.”

“
If
, and I’m not saying it will happen, but
if
you’re faced with the same question you were when Nichol was born, and
both
isn’t an option…” She took a deep breath. “…choose Nate.”

Tony sat back on his heels and stared. “No.”

Tears descended her cheeks and her nostrils flared, yet her voice held no sign of emotion. “I’ve been thinking about it. I know the chances are slim. All the doctors have been satisfied with the way this pregnancy has progressed. Even Madeline keeps reassuring me. But Tony…” She reached for his hand. “…you always get your way.”

“That’s not always true, but if it were, my way is you.”

“No, listen,” Claire implored. “You always get your way. If you demand they save Nate, they will. And…” she began before Tony could speak. “…I want you to know, I’m all right with that decision. I never want you to question yourself. I’ve lived the most amazing life. I’ve known every emotion, experienced the lowest lows and the highest highs. I know both love and hatred. I’ve seen places in this world that I never as a little girl even knew existed. Though I’ve lived through nightmares, you’ve fulfilled every dream. Tony, that’s more than most people experience in a lifetime.”

He couldn’t stop the emotion building in his chest. “Claire, this conversation isn’t necessary.”

She nodded. “I hope you’re right. I want more. I want to hold Nate in my arms and shower him with kisses. I want to look into Nichol’s beautiful brown eyes and tell her I love her as she goes to college or walks down the aisle. I want to sit beside you and watch our grandchildren play.” Her quiet tears turned to sobs. “But if I don’t, if all that I’ve done is all that I do, being loved by you and giving life to two amazing children are the greatest accomplishments I could ask for.” She gasped for breath. “Please, Tony, please promise me that you’ll choose Nate.”

He couldn’t go another second without the woman before him in his arms. Tony stood and gently tugged Claire from the chair. When she stood, he wrapped her in his arms, and they stood in the stillness of the nursery. As her shoulders shuddered and she buried her face against his chest, tears coated his cheeks. Facing their previously unspoken fears allowed a peace to settle. Finally, Tony leaned away and wiped her tears with his thumb. “My dear, there is nothing I will ever deny you and you know that. As soon as Nathaniel Sherman Rawlings is ready to enter this world he will, and when that happens, he’ll be laid in your waiting arms, awaiting the shower of kisses. That is not debatable.”

SHE NEEDED TO
hear her husband’s words and tone. Her anxiety had been building stronger with each day as Nathaniel’s due date approached. Claire didn’t want to leave her family, but she unselfishly loved them more than herself. Though Madeline’s reassurances had helped, hearing Tony’s proclamation made it better. The tone he used as he uttered the words:
That is not debatable
, was a melody to her ears and a shot of reassurance to her heart.

Claire nodded. “I love you so much.”