Beyond Wild Imaginings (23 page)

She didn’t want to look. She really didn’t. Her intuition told her that it would affirm her worst fears, but she went to Chad anyway. Her eyes widened in horror as they fell upon what he held in his hand. It was a black feather encircled by a white gold band… Garren’s wedding ring.

“
I love you, little one.”

Kelly blinked, remembering her dream. His fingers on her face…

“
Goodbye, my heart.”

It had been real. That part of her dream had really happened. She trembled uncontrollably as she held her hand out. She took the feather and looked down at it in shock. He’d said several days. They hadn’t even gotten two. The universe had robbed her of her husband on their wedding night.

Wanting to feel the softness, wanting to feel like some part of Garren still existed, that there was still something she could touch, she curled her fingers around the feather. She didn’t want to believe that he had been a dream. She didn’t want to believe that it had all been for nothing. She didn’t want to believe that magic didn’t last.

Her bottom lip trembled, and her tears fell silently. She ran her finger along the quill of the feather, and it made her shiver as it had done when she’d found the first one. Then, to her utter despair, it dissolved right in her hand. She drew her breath in sharply and felt something inside of her snap. The scream that left her mouth was otherworldly.

Vaguely, she was aware of falling to her knees and clutching his wedding ring to her chest, screaming and crying like someone was murdering her. She felt Rachel’s arms come around her, but she felt no consolation. All she felt was cold. Cold. Black. Dead.

There was nothing beyond that pain.

Chapter Twenty

Three Months Later

She heard Chad babbling something in her living room, but the words were barely understandable. Something about how her editor had left a message saying her book was the best manuscript she’d read all year and that the publisher was going to put a rush on printing it. That was great. She didn’t care. All she could do was stare down at what she held in her hand.

“Kelly?” Chad shoved the bathroom door open with a scowl. “What is the matter with you? Am I talking to myself out there? Didn’t you hear me? I said they think the sales will be so awesome that—” His eyes widened and his mouth dropped open.

She let out a small sigh and gave a thoughtful frown. “It’s strange, don’t you think, how your entire life can be altered by a little piece of plastic?”

“I haven’t had a period since Garren…” She swallowed. “Well, since he left.” She cleared her throat. “Anyway, I thought it was just stress. I’ve always been like that, skip a period when I’m stressed, and, well, I was very stressed.” She shook her head. “So I didn’t really think about it, but last week I started puking and got to thinking…” She held up the test. “Blue.”

Chad stared at her and shook his head slowly, opening and closing his mouth like a fish. “I—well, I mean—” He sighed, then frowned and put his hands on his hips. “Do you think it‘ll have wings?”

* * * *

One Month Later

Kelly didn’t think she’d ever been so nervous in her whole life. After Garren’s disappearance, she’d been so consumed by her own grief that she hadn’t been paying any sort of attention to her body. The only thing she’d done was write. She’d written like a madwoman. She’d finished an enormous novel in about a month. It had been about Garren, about the Lucienus, the first in a series about the Royal Guardians. She told their stories, the stories of how they had lived. This first book, of course, was about Garren. It had been her only solace, the only way she knew to keep him alive, to make him real.

Apparently, the publisher loved it because they were bumping a process that usually took six months up to three.

She played with her hands as the doctor prepared for the ultrasound. Everything still seemed very surreal to her. Pregnant. With Garren’s child. The spectrum of emotions she felt was overwhelming. She was scared to death. She hadn’t planned on being a mother yet, and even when she’d thought about it, she’d imagined having the father there by her side. Her eyes filled with tears just thinking about the fact that Garren was not with her. The even bigger thing that troubled her was the fact that she hadn’t even known it was possible to get pregnant with Garren’s child. He was imaginary. He had no blood. She hadn’t expected him to have…well, other fluids. What in the world was her subconscious thinking?

“Congratulations, Mrs. Luce, your baby seems perfectly healthy so far.”

Kelly’s attention snapped to the doctor and she frowned. She’d been so preoccupied with her thoughts that she hadn’t even registered that the ultrasound had started. She glanced up at her doctor and frowned. “You mean, you can…see it?” She swallowed.

Her doctor, a very nice and gentle woman, smiled. “Of course you can. See?” She turned the monitor so that Kelly could see it and pointed at the swirling mass of gray and black.

Kelly stared. It was there, all right. She cleared her throat. “Is it…human?”

Her doctor fixed her with a startled expression. “I beg your pardon?”

She closed her eyes and shook her head. “I’m sorry, that was a stupid question.” What was the matter with her? Yeah, that made her seem real sane.

Her doctor laughed. “No, I understand. The first time I was pregnant, I felt like I had an alien growing inside of me too.” She patted Kelly on the arm. “I assure you, your baby is perfectly healthy and perfectly human.”

Kelly gave a weak smile.

“I bet you and your husband are dying to know what it’s going to be, aren’t you? I know I was.”

Kelly’s heart made the dull, aching throb she was used to it doing every time Garren was mentioned. She averted her eyes. “My husband died,” she murmured.

Her doctor drew her breath in and looked horrified for a moment. “Oh, I’m sorry.” She shook her head. “I just, I saw your wedding ring and just assumed…”

She forced a smile. “It’s okay.” Yeah right, it would never be okay. She felt tears prick her eyes.

Her doctor sighed. “Well, look at it this way, part of him is living on. Right in here.” She patted Kelly’s stomach gently.

Something about that statement struck her very hard. That was true. Garren made up one half of the child growing inside her. He may have been gone, but that part of him would live on, would be a constant reminder of the love he and Kelly had shared. For some reason, that thought comforted her.

She looked up at her doctor and smiled, tears filling her eyes. She nodded.

Her doctor stood up straight and waved her hand in front of her face. “Oh, now I’m going to cry.”

She started to busy herself with cleaning up, and Kelly closed her eyes, accepting and cherishing the life within her.
Don’t worry, Garren
, she thought to herself.
I’ll take care of our child. I’ll love it enough for both of us, and he or she will always know what a remarkable man his or her father was. I promise.

* * * *

Three months later

It was cold on the roof, but she didn’t care. At least the cold air let her know she was alive. Snow would come soon. It was close to that time of year. It would come and blanket the city, covering everything in a temporary layer of peace. Children would laugh and play in the park. Lovers would ice skate in Rockefeller Center. Life went on. Life always went on. Even hers.

With a sigh, Kelly ran her hands over her swollen stomach and looked down at it. Seven months. Two more to go and she would have a daughter, a miracle, a product of her and Garren’s love.

Her book had released last month, and it had almost instantly received rave reviews. It had landed in the number one spot on the
New York Times’
Bestseller List and had sold more copies than any other book she’d ever written. It seemed that, in her impassioned emotional state, she had managed to create some sort of a masterpiece. She had an interview in several days with Good Morning America. It was her dream, realized. She had managed to get herself where she had always wanted to be. Because of Garren. It was his story that needed to be told. She’d merely been the instrument to get it out there. She wondered what he’d think if he knew what kind of fan base he had. All of her readers adored Garren. He was what sold the books, not her writing.

The Lucienus had captured her audience and would finally be known for what they were—an amazing race of beautiful people who would live on in people’s hearts because Kelly could not let them go. It was all she had. It would never be enough, but it was all she had.

Sometimes, she talked to Garren. It was stupid, she knew. He couldn’t hear her. He was gone. They were all gone, but she talked to him anyway. After all, his existence had begun in her mind. The Creative Realm may have dissolved, but nothing could take away her memories, or her imagination. He still existed there. She spoke to him there. Maybe it was twisted, she wasn’t sure. She knew it had to be unhealthy, and she’d toned it down considerably, but sometimes she couldn’t help herself. It provided a small measure of comfort, even though it was completely false.

She liked to come to the roof. She felt close to him there, close to his memory. She remembered eating hoagies and sweets, laughing and talking, falling in love. She’d come to the realization that her heart would never feel full or whole again. She would always feel his absence, but she accepted this. Slowly, in time, she would heal. She knew she would. It was human nature, it was survival, but she knew she would never be the same. Garren’s love and Garren’s loss had changed her for all time.

A flock of pigeons suddenly took to the skies from below, and she watched them with a sardonic smile. Pigeons. It was all their fault.

The breeze blew her hair, and she decided she would head back inside. Rachel would be over soon. She was going to take her out to celebrate her bestseller status. Something caught Kelly’s eye as she started to turn, and she frowned, watching as it drifted listlessly down toward her. She held her hand out and stared in shock as a solitary black feather landed in her palm. Her heart picked up pace on instinct, even though she knew it had to have been from a large crow. It was just bizarre that the bird’s feather had come to her. Ironic. Kind of sick.

A bittersweet pain washed over her, and she smiled even as her eyes filled with tears. She ran her finger down the quill and shivered. That reaction made her breath hitch and her heartbeat falter. She blinked several times and touched it again. She shivered, electric currents working along her spine. Her fingers trembled.

“You aren’t thinking of jumping, are you?”

She squeezed her eyes shut. His voice. She remembered it so well. Rich, deep, seductive. She had to stop this hallucinating. It wasn’t good for her. “Oh, Garren,” she murmured. “I have to stop talking to you.” How could she successfully raise a child if she was neurotic? It was painful to think about, but she had to stop.

She drew in a sharp breath as she felt warm hands touch her shoulders. “You have something of mine.” His voice whispered. “Something very special to me. I would like it back.”

She trembled as her mind tried desperately to wrap around what was happening. “No,” she muttered to herself, trying to keep a grip on reality. “It’s not real. You’re not real.” But she felt him. She felt his touch. She felt his breath on her neck. “I don’t want you haunting me anymore,” she said, still trying to banish her ridiculous fantasies.

There was a warm chuckle, and she felt one arm slip around her waist while the other slipped around her shoulders, pulling her snugly against a solid body. “I don’t want to haunt you, little one. I want to live with you. Forever.”

Her breaths became short and fast as her mind began to spin. She squeezed her eyes shut and bunched her hands in fists at her sides. This was it. She’d finally lost it completely. “Don’t turn around,” she said, trying to rationalize with herself. “Don’t turn around. He’s not there. Don’t turn around. This isn’t real.” She repeated it over and over as tears leaked out from between her tightly closed eyelids.

“Kelly.” It was a whisper, a caress of breath against her ear. “Turn around. I’m here. I’m real.”

She drew in great, gasping breaths as the hands turned her body slowly and, against her better judgment, she opened her eyes. She let out a startled half cry, half wail as her eyes fell on all the magnificence she remembered in her dreams. He stood tall, proud, powerful. His black hair fell in elegant waves around his face and neck. His violet eyes were warm, reflecting great joy and love. His ebony wings arched out in beautiful perfection, and she dissolved into sobs, crying so hard she couldn’t breathe.

“Kelly,” he murmured, his concern evident. “Sit down. You’re going to make yourself sick.” He guided her down to the ground, keeping one arm around her.

She shook her head adamantly. “This isn’t possible,” she mumbled. “This can’t be real.”

“Kelly—”

“You’re gone. You’re not real. You’re not real.” Maybe her imagination was powerful, but her logic was powerful too. She would not allow herself to fall into insanity. Not when she had a child to raise.

“Beloved, look at me.”

She shook her head again, trying to move away from his reassuring presence. She didn’t want to feel his warmth. She didn’t want to recognize it, and she definitely didn’t want to recognize the way her heart leapt to life in her chest. He was gone. This was not possible.