Big D: Senior Year (Three Daves #3) (8 page)

A Peek inside David’s Head

During Chapter 9 of Big D: Senior Year

(Three Daves, Part 3)

He’s going to fuck her. She got all dressed up for him, and he’s going to tear her clothes off, and she’s going to smile up at him, and he’s going to fuck her. And there’s nothing I can do about. God, why does this hurt so much? It’s not like I didn’t already know this would happen.

Fucking Mitchell. Fucking Instagram. Why did he have to show me that picture and ask if it was Jen? I tried to shrug it off and not think about it, but I know Jen. She wants her “real” first time to be special. Special as in dressing up for this big, fancy formal. Special as in with someone like D. Perfect fucking D. At least he deserves her.

I walk into my house. Ellie’s there.

“Did you call them back yet?” she asks in her nasally voice.

I’ve grown to hate that voice. I tried to love her; I really did. But it’s impossible. She has no heart, no ability to love. She only knows how to control and abuse.

I walk past her into the kitchen.

I used to have a soft spot for her—the angry stray kitten no one wanted for a pet. I thought I could bring out more of her softer side, but that part of her was an illusion. I’d only been kidding myself. Not anymore.

“Did you?" she demands. She’s talking about a company out west that wants to set up a second round of interviews.

I grab a carton of orange juice from the fridge and swig it right from the box. Ellie’s voice is going again. It’s an angry droning that buzzes like static. I don’t understand a word.

She’s all dress up for him at this very moment. She never got dressed up for me. She never had to. She’s beautiful in anything. She’s beautiful in nothing. God! Why does this hurt so much?

Ellie walks into the kitchen. She's glaring at me. I turn toward her with my mouth gaping half open and juice slopped over my lips. I’m sure I look like an idiot.

"Jesus, David! Have you heard anything I’ve said to you?"

I look right at her, but I don’t see her. I see Jen. She’s looking up at Big D. She’s smiling at him. She’s telling him she loves him. She’s going to let him fuck her. He’s going to be inside her. I can’t stand it. I absolutely can’t fucking stand it!

Ellie’s an angry bee buzzing around me. She’s trying to sting me, but I don’t give a rat’s ass about her. She won’t shut up. I have to get the fuck away from her. I have to get the fuck away right fucking now. I grab my keys off the table by the door and get in my car. Ellie’s on the front step screeching at me. I don’t give a fuck about her. I start the car and leave. I’m getting the fuck out of here.

I’m driving, just driving with the Replacements blaring on the stereo. The next thing I know, I’m on the interstate, looking at big green signs for Indianapolis. One hundred miles. I hope this piece of shit can make it. I’m going for Jen. I have to. I have to tell her how I feel right now. She should have all the facts before she makes her choice. If she knows I love her and still doesn’t want me, at least I'll know I’ve done all I can, and maybe I can have some peace.

I’m such a fucking moron. I should’ve told her as soon as I realized this wasn't going away. Back in Springfield. There’s no way she was in love with D then. She wouldn’t have kissed me like that if she’d been in love with someone else. But I was so scared. Scared shitless. I’m still scared, but now I know I’m ready. I’m totally ready for Jen, and I won’t hurt her. I can’t. She’s the only one I’ll ever want. She’s the only one I’ve truly wanted for a long, long time.

I wish I would’ve broken up with Ellie before I left. It's over with her. It’s been over for a while. Still, I wish I would’ve made it official before I left. But I couldn’t spend another second in that house. Not while D’s with my girl.

I wonder if they’ve already done it. I wonder if D’s going to take her before they even go to the stupid party. That’s not the way Jen would want it. She’d want to have their big, romantic evening together and then go back and…and…gugh! My stomach starts to boil. I’m not driving like a maniac just to tell her how I feel. I want to get there in time to stop them. I couldn’t believe it when she told me at the gym that she still hadn’t slept with him. She was still waiting. It was crazy how happy that made me. I didn’t realize it then, but it had given me a tiny, ridiculous, stupid, fucking hope that maybe somehow she knew she should wait for me.

Piece of crap’s holding up okay. Forty miles left to go.

I know she’s going to pick me. I know it. She just doesn’t know it yet. She doesn’t have all the information. Or am I just convincing myself because I can’t stand to think of the alternative? A future without Jen. I can’t see it. It’s not possible. But I’m not fricking brain dead. I know it
is
a possibility. But I just…I don't see her with D. Not forever. I can’t believe she's really in love with him. But who am I kidding? Why wouldn’t she be in love with him? Shit,
I
’
m
half in love with him; he’s so fucking perfect.

I went to church last Sunday looking for some peace, looking for some answers. Staying with Ellie made it easier for me to keep away from Jen, but being with Ellie was getting harder and harder. And I wasn’t sure staying away from Jen was the right thing anymore. I knew D was good for her—I still know D’s good for her—but I just couldn’t believe my feelings for her would stay so strong if she was supposed to be with someone else. I went to church to pray, and I expected God to tell me to run straight to her. That’s what I wanted.

I saw her sitting toward the front of the auditorium. Next to D. There was my sign. She was there. I’d ask to talk to her privately after Mass and I’d tell her everything. But D leaned down and whispered in her ear. She looked up at him and smiled and squeezed his arm. He bent down and kissed her on her forehead. They looked happy. They looked sweet. She looked happy. I took that as a sign that I was supposed to stay the fuck away from her. I ditched out during communion, before I’d have to watch them smile at each other again. I was fucking miserable. I’m miserable now as I remember it.

I took seeing them together on Sunday as a sign that I should stay away from her, but I’m taking today’s psychotic episode as a sign that I’d better tell her how I feel ASAP or else go fucking insane.

I’m approaching the exit. Shit. I’ve suddenly got a strange feeling in my gut. Like I shouldn’t do this. Like I shouldn’t storm in on Jen and D.

I reach downtown Indy. Not nearly as big as Chicago, but there are plenty of buildings. Seems like more are popping up as I drive on. A lot of hotels. A lot of fucking hotels. Fuck! I left my phone on the kitchen counter. I have no idea which hotel this party’s at and now I have no way of finding out. Did Mitchell say the name of the hotel when he showed me the picture? I'm racking my brain, but I can't think of the name of one damn place.

I find a parking spot and walk to the closest hotel. I ask about the Sigma Chi function. The guy at the desk has no idea what I’m talking about and doesn’t offer to try to find any info. I walk around some more, cover blocks and blocks but don’t go in or ask anyone else. Nobody’s going to know. The more I walk, the more I realize this is Jen’s big night. The night she’s been looking forward to for a long time. I can’t ruin that for her. I have no right. I’m still going to tell her how I feel—I have to—but I’ll do it quietly, after she gets back to campus. I won’t put her on the spot. I’ll let her have her night.

Okay, decision’s made. I’ll just get back in the car, drive home, and wait. Wait for D to fuck my girl.

I can’t make myself get into the car. My legs are lead, and they won’t lift to step in. I can’t do it. I leave the car parked where it’s at and wander the sidewalks of downtown Indianapolis some more. It’s going to be okay. It’s going to be okay, because I know in the end, she’s going to pick me. It might take her a while to figure that out, especially after tonight, but eventually, we’ll be together. We have to be. That’s all that matters.

Maybe if she sleeps with D, it’ll help balance out my multitude of indiscretions. In a way, it’ll actually be a good thing. I’m telling myself that, but I don’t believe me. The thought of them together makes me physically ill. Jen with D. Him touching her. Her touching him. I could seriously spew chunks all over the sidewalk right now if I’d let myself. It’s going to kill me to walk away. I don’t know if I can do it.

I sit down on a bench in front of a fountain. It’s a plaza outside some big hotel. I stare into the water. I watch it cascade into the shallow pool and think about washing Jen’s hair. Cleansing her of David. Stupidest fucking thing I ever did. I should’ve kept me on her and in her and never let her look at another guy.

But I wasn’t ready for her then. I would’ve hurt her. I've watched Jen break. I didn’t like it, and I won’t do it again.

So that’s it. I’m not going to bust up her party with D. I’m going to give him his fair shot, and I’ll take mine later, quietly. I'll let Jen make her choice without pressure so she’ll know it’s the right choice. At least this way, I’ll be able to do things properly and break up with Ellie first.

I get up from the bench to make the torturous walk back to my car. I pass the glass doors at the hotel entrance and notice a big sign just inside:
Welcome CIU Sigma Chi’
s
. Holy shit. This is the place. I force my legs to keep moving and walk quickly up the street, away, before I change my mind.

It’s killing me to walk away. My chest squeezes at my heart. I can’t breathe, my skin burns, and I feel like I’m going to hurl.

I push myself through each step. It hurts. It’s killing me. I start to run. Away.

I’ll let Jen have her big night. I’ll give D his fair shot.

Then I’ll take mine.

I have to.

Acknowledgements

Unending gratitude to the powers that be at Omnific Publishing for giving this story a life beyond fanfiction and for not hesitating when I approached them about this reboot.

Thank you, thank you to everyone who read and loved the first version enough to make me know this rewrite would be a worthwhile endeavor.