Big Girls Do It Married (3 page)

None of this, however, got me any closer to knowing what to do.

I felt better about my room, and was able to actually relax without feeling claustrophobic. I also knew if Jeff came over, he'd be comfortable. He'd tried coming over once, but after that one visit, he'd never suggested coming back. It may have had something to do with the loud and vocal sex noises coming from Jamie's room, but my mess was the largest part of it, even if he'd never said anything.

Chase wouldn't have minded. He'd have cleared a path to the bed, added our clothes to the mess, and turned his attention to my body.
 

Was that something to base a decision on? Suddenly, every little factor and facet of the two men was brought into focus. Jeff was clean, neat, organized, methodical. He was steady, stable. Not predictable, because he'd shown a capacity for constantly surprising me. But I could always depend on him.
 

Even now, stewing in my room, I knew I could expect to hear from him soon. He'd get tired of waiting and wonder where I was. He'd want to know what I was doing, even if it was just to make sure I was safe.
 

Was Chase dependable? My gut told me he'd be there if I needed him. He really would give up his rising career in music if I told him that was the price to be with me. He'd turn his back on it all and stay here with me. He'd play local gigs, maybe start DJing with me. He'd give me what I wanted. But...he'd always wonder what could have been if he'd followed his dreams, stuck with the career rather than the girl. Would he resent me?

God, my head was spinning. They were two totally different men, both amazing in their own ways. They were both claiming to be in love with me, and I was faced with the choice between them. This was the stuff of Regency romance books: The plucky and intrepid and oh-so-charming heroine was presented with the impossible task of choosing between the wealthy nobleman offering her a comfortable future and the poor but handsome and completely devoted peasant who loved her unconditionally. Yeah, that was me. Except this was my life. No one was writing this story. I had to make the choice and live with the consequences.

I knew one thing: I'd hurt one of them, whomever I chose, and I'd always wonder in part of my mind what life would have been like if I'd chosen the other.

The buzzer jolted me out of my thoughts. I buzzed the person through without checking to see who it was. I opened the door to see Jeff lifting his fist to knock.

"You
are
here," he said by way of greeting. He didn't move to come in.

"Of course. Where else would I be?"
 

He frowned. "Gone. New York with pretty—with Chase. You weren't at home—I mean, at my house, so I wasn't sure where you'd be."

I took his arm and pulled him in, shutting the door behind him. "I talked with Chase and then came here. I needed to think." I flopped down on the couch and stared at the signed Bon Jovi poster of Jamie's hung over the TV. "I'm confused, Jeff."

He sat down next to me and stretched his arm out behind my head. I nestled into the hollow of his arm automatically. I don't think either of us realized I was doing it until he had his arm wrapped around me.
 

"Confused about what?" Jeff asked.

"Everything," I said. "Talking to him just made things worse."

"Could have told you that before you went," Jeff remarked.

"Yeah, and if you had, I would have gone anyway."

"True," Jeff chuckled. "You're stubborn like that."

"I just don't know what to do. You're both so different. But you both claim to love me." I glanced up at Jeff to see him flinch. "Sorry, I guess it's not fair to you to talk about this with you."

"Who else are you gonna talk to about it? I'm still your friend, Anna. That ain't ever gonna change."

"But you're part of the problem." I sighed. "I didn't mean that. You're not a problem. The situation is a problem, and it's my own fault."

"I know what you meant. But if you need to talk, then talk."
 

"I just don't know what to do."

"You already said that," Jeff pointed out. "Break it down for me like I'm not one of the choices in front of you."

"You both claim to love me. That by itself is hard to swallow. Just a couple months ago I was lonely and depressed. I had you and Jamie, and that was about it. I didn't think I'd ever find anyone to love me, and I hadn't had sex in months and didn't feel beautiful." I pulled my hair out of its ponytail and ran my fingers through it. "Now, everything is different.
 

"Honestly, a lot of the reason I've begun to realize I'm beautiful is due to Chase. I know you don't want to hear that, but it's true. He started it all. He pursued me, and he made me see myself through his eyes, to a degree. He wanted me. I hadn't felt wanted in...well, ever."

"I wanted you," Jeff said, his voice quiet.

"Yeah, but you didn't do anything about it, Jeff. I didn't know you loved me. I thought it was a crush. You let me pretend it wasn't there for six years."

"I didn't think you wanted me back."

"Would you have ever made a move on your own?" I asked.

"I don't know. Maybe. Maybe not. I wish now I had made a move sooner."

"Me, too." I ran my fingers across Jeff's cheek. "You make me feel beautiful. My point about Chase is that he got me thinking about myself in a different way. I wouldn't have ever had the courage to try anything with you if it hadn't been for him."

"Well, I guess I owe him some thanks, then."
 

"Me, too," I said. "In a big way."

Jeff got up and went to the bathroom; when he came back he smirked at me. "Your room looks different. Cleaner."

I shrugged. "Your house is always so clean. I've spent so much time there that now my room seems nasty. I couldn't relax until I'd cleaned it up."

Jeff grinned. "Well, glad I'm instilling some good habits in you at least. It was kinda gross the last time I was here."

I slapped his arm. "Gee, thanks, asshole."

He laughed. "Hey, you know what I meant." He scrubbed the smile from his face with his palm. "So you went to talk to Chase, and it made things worse. Why, though? I thought you were just going to hear him out."

"Yeah, well...I guess the problem is I didn't ever really believe he'd done anything awful. It was an excuse. I was feeling things for him that scared me. Plus, I had you on my mind, and I knew I felt things for you, too, and that scared me even more. Like I said when I came back, I felt like I was cheating on you with him, and seeing him with those groupies just made it easier to run. I think I was hoping he'd let me go and this problem I'm having now would be avoided."

"No such luck."

"No," I agreed. "No such luck. And now I've got both of you saying you love me, and I have feelings for both of you, but they're completely different feelings."

"And you don't know what to do," Jeff said.
 

"Nope."

He blew a long breath out between his teeth. "Well, I can't make the choice for you, obviously. And you know what I want. I want you, I want you to pick me. I think I'm best for you. I think I understand you. I think I can give you what you want and need. I think Chase is exciting and fun, and I'm sure he's talented and going places and all that. But I don't think he's right for you. He may be faithful to you if you pick him and go with him. I can't say he's a bad person. I don't know him well enough to make that call. Maybe he's great. Maybe you'd have the best happily ever after with him. Maybe. But I don't think so." He slid off the couch and knelt in front of me, positioned himself between my knees so our faces were level, within kissing distance. "I love you, Anna. I’ll love you forever. I'm being completely honest here when I say I want you to be with me instead of him. But more than anything else, I want you to be happy. No matter what. If you think he's the best choice for you, for your life, then go with him and be happy. I let you go to New York without fighting because I knew you'd always wonder if you didn't, and because I could tell nothing I said would change your mind. I didn't want you to go. But you did, and here we are."

I shook my head. "God, Jeff. That really doesn't help." A sob bubbled out past my lips.
 

"I didn't say I could help. I said I'd listen. I said you could talk to me about what was bugging you. I can't be anything but honest about what I want, and I can't be objective, either."

"Well, what fucking good are you, then?" I asked. "Kidding. That's the problem, though. You're my best friend, aside from Jamie, and usually you'd help me sort through this."

"Where is Jamie, anyway? Why can't she talk to you about it?"

I shrugged. "I don't know where she is. And I don't think she'd be objective, either. Her taste in men is...different from mine. She has her own issues. I just don't think she'd be able to help me. No one can." Another sob whimpered from me, this one more hysterical.
 

 
I was trying to keep it together, but I couldn't, quite. My shoulders shook and my eyes burned. I didn't want to cry.
 

Jeff didn't have an answer for that. He moved up onto the couch next to me and drew me onto his lap. "Just breathe, Anna. It's going to be okay. It's a shitty thing to have to choose, and I can't say I know how you feel, 'cause I don't. But remember, we're both adults, okay? Yeah, the fact is, one of us will be hurt when you choose the other. But it won't be the end of the world. I'd be heartbroken, and it'd be real long fucking time before I cared for anyone else like I do you, but I'd be okay, in time. I don't know Chase, but I don't imagine he'd flip out off the deep end, either. Hurt heals, Anna. Choosing sucks. Pain sucks. Hurting someone you care about sucks, but that's life. Life hurts. Sometimes we're faced with a shitty fucking choice that leaves everyone involved hurt somehow. All you can do is make the right choice for you and move on."

He put his forefinger under my chin and lifted my face to his. I blinked hard, sniffed back tears, and bit my lip to keep from bursting apart. Jeff's dark eyes were soft and tender and compassionate. His body was a hard, strong shelter around me. It didn't fix my problem, but with his arms around me, I felt loved, I felt able to keep breathing despite the crushing pressure on my chest.

He kissed me, a slow, feather-soft touch of his lips to mine. "Quit holding it in. You don't have to be strong all the time. You're upset. It's okay to feel it."

His palm rubbed my back, and his fingers brushed tendrils of hair away from my eyes and traced the line of my jaw. I held it in a moment longer, my body trembling with the effort. It began as a single tear down my cheek, then a second. I sniffed, tried to breathe deep enough to hold on to my composure. A sob wrenched my gut, and then another, and then I was wracked by shuddering sobs, a veil of tears obscuring my vision. I was lost then, carried away and helpless. Jeff was my anchor, the only solid thing in my world.
 

He held me, wiped the tears away, used the hem of his shirt to clean my face.
 

"I can't do it," I said, when I had enough breath to speak. "I just want to run away from both of you. I can't hurt you. I can't hurt him. There's no right choice." I hiccupped. "I need a cupcake."

Jeff kissed my forehead, then each cheek, and then, last, my lips. "Don't worry about right or wrong. Just worry about what's best for you."

"But I don't
know
what's best for me!"

He kissed my lips again to quiet me, and this time he kept kissing. The sweet, familiar taste of his lips swept me away, his body beneath mine cradled me close and comforted me, and his hands ghosting over my curves pushed thoughts to the background.
 

Distraction was welcome. A fragmentary thought flitted through my head:
This is only going to confuse me further, later.
But I didn't care. Kissing Jeff was all that was right in my life. My tears subsided and my sobs quieted and my confusion drifted to the background, all subsumed beneath the storm of need for Jeff.

I moaned as his tongue swept into my mouth, and then twisted on his lap so I was facing him, my knees digging down into the crack between couch back and cushion. This was all I needed.
 

Desire erupted within me, gouging all thoughts from my mind. All I knew was Jeff's mouth, his cock hardening beneath me, his hands on my waist and slipping upward to cup my breasts. I arched my chest into his hands, dragged my fingers through his close-cropped hair and down his sides. My fingers caught the bottom of his shirt, and I lifted it up over his head.

He broke the kiss and pulled back, searching my eyes. "I don't want to make anything harder for you," he said.

I stood up, his shirt balled in my fist, and led him by the hand into my room, closing the door behind us.
 

He stood uncertainly with his back to the door. "Anna, I don't wanna confuse you—"

I peeled my shirt over my head, unhooked my bra, and then took a step closer to Jeff. He backed up, his hands reaching for me even as he tried to protest. He bumped against the door, and I crushed myself against him.
 

"Shut up and make love to me, Jeff. I know it's not gonna fix anything, but I need it. I need you. Please."

I popped the button on my jeans and shimmied out of them, then turned my hands to Jeff, tracing the heavy muscles of his chest and the broad, hard bulge of his belly. He ran his hands down my arms, his eyes raking over my body, hungry, burning with lust and shimmering with love. I pressed a kiss to his shoulder, then his pectoral muscle. He thumped his head against the wooden door, rumbling in his chest as I opened his pants and shoved them down.
 

His thick, hot, hard cock filled my hands, the veins pulsing against my palms, his sack tightening as I cupped it. I ran my hands up and down his length, murmuring in pleasure as I kissed his chest, then his stomach, sliding to my knees in front of him and caressing the cool curve of his ass.

He caught at my shoulders as I knelt, bent to lift me up. I glanced up at him, took his hands in mine, and tangled our fingers. Breaking my gaze away from his, I lowered my mouth to his cock, wrapped my lips around the tip, and carved circles around his crown with my tongue.