Big Trouble

Table of Contents

 

 

 

“Following that age-old advice to ‘write what you know,' the Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist has produced a novel involving nuclear bombs, Russian gangsters, giant pythons, tree-dwelling street people, and teenagers . . . Throw in a poison toad and a robber blinded by dark panty hose, and this is about as funny as a book can be.”

—
The Christian Science Monitor

 

“It's a buoyant book. ‘A.'”

—
Entertainment Weekly

 

“Hilarious . . . Dave Barry is not just an amusing social observer; he's a novelist of genuine skill . . . he could become the most important American humorist since Mark Twain.”

—
Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel

 

“It'll make you laugh. Out loud. Many, many times.”

—
The San Diego Union-Tribune

 

“Dave Barry has created the rarest of all literary creatures, the genuinely funny mystery novel . . . what a charming, witty, insightful storyteller he is . . . the funniest portrayal of the wasteland that is sports talk radio that has ever been written.”

—Kinky Friedman,
The New York Times

 

“Like a Preston Sturges comedy speeded up to punk rock velocity. Barry's readers may believe they're ready for this level of craziness; I think they may be wrong.”

—Stephen King

 

“Dave Barry remains one of the funniest writers alive. This book will do for [Florida tourism] what Dennis Rodman did for bridal wear . . . outrageously warped, cheerfully depraved.”

—Carl Hiaasen

 

“Uproarious . . . devastatingly funny.”—The Associated Press

 

“Let's face it, Florida is almost as funny as New Jersey, and any novel in which the mean guy goes insane from the toxins of a giant toad fills a gentle reader with . . . warmth.”

—
Los Angeles Times

 

“The tale of a dysfunctional family and inept mobsters, corruption, sex, lust, Miami . . . nuclear weapons, and a toad-licking dog. Dave Barry fans will zip through
Big Trouble
.”

—
The Denver Post

 

“. . . a satirical romp through Miami's wacky, criminally infested mean streets . . . a madcap mockery of urban life.”

—Ridley Pearson

 

“A screwball thriller that reads like a fast-paced screenplay.”

—
USA Today

 

“Barry has found new life for his comic bag of tricks . . . a ridiculous and often hilarious farce. [
Big Trouble
] is an engaging thriller.”—
Chicago Tribune

 

“Dave Barry may be one of our best contemporary satirists . . . [a] breakneck style . . . pithy and hilarious.”

—
The Dallas Morning News

 

“Moves along at the pace of a summer action movie . . . and at the end [Barry] leaves the reader laughing.”

—
Columbus Dispatch

 

“Dave Barry's first novel offers all the major literary elements that are so dear to readers of his newspaper columns—dogs with small brains, teenagers with large pants, Miami residents with major ordnance—and much, much more.”

—
The Indianapolis Star

 

“Ridiculous, comic in the extreme . . . wild, smart and endearing.”—
Rocky Mountain News

 

“Hilarious . . . as tasty as a bowl of fresh popcorn [and] laugh out loud funny.”—
Fort Worth Star-Telegram

 

“Dave Barry is America's funniest man. Barry's harebrained plot . . . turns the pages. [He] has written a highly entertaining novel.”—
The Kansas City Star

 

“Dave Barry turns his considerable comic talents to fiction, and the result is stranger than truth—and even funnier.”

—
St. Petersburg Times

 

“Crazy, hilarious . . . You'll close the book with regret, wishing there were more.
Big Trouble
is big fun.”

—
The Times-Picayune

 

“If you can't wait for Barry's weekly humor column, grab
Big Trouble
. It's a riot.”—
The Florida Times-Union

THE TAMING OF THE SCREW
BABIES AND OTHER HAZARDS OF SEX
STAY FIT AND HEALTHY UNTIL YOU'RE DEAD
CLAW YOUR WAY TO THE TOP
BAD HABITS
DAVE BARRY'S GUIDE TO MARRIAGE AND/OR SEX
HOMES AND OTHER BLACK HOLES
DAVE BARRY'S GREATEST HITS
DAVE BARRY SLEPT HERE
DAVE BARRY TURNS 40
DAVE BARRY TALKS BACK
DAVE BARRY'S ONLY TRAVEL GUIDE YOU'LL EVER NEED
DAVE BARRY DOES JAPAN
DAVE BARRY IS NOT MAKING THIS UP
DAVE BARRY'S GIFT GUIDE TO END ALL GIFT GUIDES
DAVE BARRY'S COMPLETE GUIDE TO GUYS
DAVE BARRY IN CYBERSPACE
DAVE BARRY'S BOOK OF BAD SONGS
DAVE BARRY IS FROM MARS
AND
VENUS
DAVE BARRY TURNS 50
DAVE BARRY HITS BELOW THE BELTWAY
DAVE BARRY IS NOT TAKING THIS SITTING DOWN
DAVE BARRY'S HISTORY OF THE MILLENNIUM (SO FAR)
I'LL MATURE WHEN I'M DEAD

 

BIG TROUBLE
TRICKY BUSINESS
THE SHEPHERD, THE ANGEL, AND WALTER THE CHRISTMAS
MIRACLE DOG

THE BERKLEY PUBLISHING GROUP
Published by the Penguin Group
Penguin Group (USA) Inc.
375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, USA
Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto, Ontario M4P 2Y3, Canada
(a division of Pearson Penguin Canada Inc.)
Penguin Books Ltd., 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England
Penguin Group Ireland, 25 St. Stephen's Green, Dublin 2, Ireland (a division of Penguin Books Ltd.)
Penguin Group (Australia), 250 Camberwell Road, Camberwell, Victoria 3124, Australia
(a division of Pearson Australia Group Pty. Ltd.)
Penguin Books India Pvt. Ltd., 11 Community Centre, Panchsheel Park, New Delhi—110 017, India
Penguin Group (NZ), 67 Apollo Drive, Rosedale, North Shore 0632, New Zealand
(a division of Pearson New Zealand Ltd.)
Penguin Books (South Africa) (Pty.) Ltd., 24 Sturdee Avenue, Rosebank, Johannesburg 2196,
South Africa

 

Penguin Books Ltd., Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

 

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental. The publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their content.

Copyright © 1999 by Dave Barry.

 

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the author's rights. Purchase only authorized editions.

BERKLEY
^®
is a registered trademark of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

The “B” design is a trademark of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

 

 

eISBN : 978-1-101-44222-7

 

 

Barry, Dave.

Big trouble / by Dave Barry.

p. cm.

eISBN : 978-1-101-44222-7

I. Title.

PS3552.A74146B-25489 CIP

813'.54—dc21

 

 

I
'll start with the warning:
This is not a book for youngsters
. I point this out because I know, from reading my mail, that a lot of youngsters read my humor books and newspaper columns, and I'm thrilled that they do. But this book is not for them, because some of the characters use Adult Language. I did not necessarily
want
the characters to use this type of language; some of them just went ahead and did. That's how some characters are.

And now for the acknowledgments:

I want to first thank my editor at Putnam, Neil Nyren, who proposed the idea of my writing a novel, and made it sound like a lot of fun. Neil was always supportive and has given me excellent advice, so I forgive him for the fact that he never told me, back at the beginning, that I would need to come up with characters
and
a plot.

I thank my agent, Al Hart, who also encouraged me to take a stab at fiction. I always listen to Al, who has calmly steered my writing career through many a stormy sea, with one steady hand on the tiller and the other wrapped around a refreshing beverage.

I am very lucky to have, as friends, some wonderful novelists who were generous enough to share their wisdom with me when I actually started writing this book and discovered that I had no idea what the plot was. I especially want to thank Carl Hiaasen, who is the master of the genre I tried to write in—the Bunch of South Florida Wackos genre—as well as Stephen King, Elmore Leonard, Paul Levine, Ridley Pearson, and Les Standiford, all of whom basically said not to worry too much about the plot at the beginning, except Ridley, who is
extremely
organized and already knows what he will have for breakfast on May 12, 2011 (tea and an English muffin, unbuttered). I also thank Jeff Arch for his words of encouragement, even the Yiddish ones that I did not understand.

I thank my amazing research assistant, Judi Smith. I'm always calling Judi up and asking questions like, “How much milk does an average Tahitian coconut contain?” And within ten minutes she has somehow gotten hold of the world's foremost authority on Tahitian coconut milk, and she'll call me with
reams
of information, and I'll say, “Whoops, it turns out that I don't need that after all,” and
still she never gets mad
.

I thank Luis Albuerne and Bobby D'Angelo, who told me helpful stuff about police procedures and fighter jets, respectively. I probably got it all wrong, but that's not their fault.

Finally, I thank all of you who've supported me over the years by reading my columns and books, and who are now (except for the youngsters) following me into the Realm of Fiction. I hope you enjoy reading this book as much as I enjoyed writing it. Once I figured out what the plot was, I mean.

P
uggy had held down his job at the Jolly Jackal Bar and Grill, which did not have a grill, for almost three weeks. For Puggy, this was a personal employment record. In fact, after a career as a semiprofessional vagrant, he was seriously thinking about settling in Miami, putting down roots, maybe even finding an indoor place to sleep. Although he really liked his tree.

Puggy liked everything about Miami. He liked that it was warm. He liked that most of the police seemed tolerant of people like him—people who, merely by existing, tended to violate laws that solid citizens never even thought about, like how long you were allowed to sit in a certain place without buying something. The attitude of most of the police down here seemed to be, hey, you can
sit
all you want; we're just glad you're not
shooting
.