Bill 4 - on the Planet of Tasteless Pleasure (16 page)

“I don't understand.”

“It's very simple. Just add one number to all these equations, and you'll get the correct coordinates every time.”

“And what number, pray tell, is that?”

Rick cleared his throat and nodded grimly. “Why, '69', of course.”

The dilapidated Doctor's mouth dropped onto his chest.

His assistants rushed forward and pushed and pulled and helped him get his mouth back into place. “This happens from time to time,” he apologized to his guests. “An excellent idea, Rick. Let's feed it into the computer!”

With wild enthusiasm Bill and Rick hurled the chalkboard and charts aside, then kicked them into one of the several large mouths of the organic computer. The mouth closed and started to chew on the information with the oversized molars that Bill had only glimpsed.

“Arrr!” said Rick. “Talk about 'number-crunching.'”

“We're getting an answer!” said Dr. Krankenhaus, looking up from his mechanical read-outs. “I don't believe it, gentlemen, but it's actually working! It's coming up with coordinates that are not variables.... Trolls! Quickly! The maps!”

More charts were wheeled into the room. These looked like maps made by a maniac bombed out on dope, but Dr. Krankenhaus seemed to know his way around them. He riffled through a pile, tore off some, and finally emitted a shriek of triumph! “I found it! I found the location of the Fountain of Hormones!”

“Arrrr! So give! Where is it?”

The Doctor-Baron fumbled his way out of the layers of maps, clutching one sheet in his contorted hand. A gnarled fingernail was pointed at a spot on the map, and his eyes popped out with surprise.

This time the trolls stuck a handle into the side of his head and wound his eyeballs back into place. As soon as he could see again the good doctor pulled the map to him more, then held it out, tremblingly, to Bill and Rick.

It looked like no other map they had ever seen before. In fact, it looked more like a fine collection of pornographic woodcuts. “There it is!” cried Dr. Krankenhaus, pointing to a dark, smeary part of the map.

“Okay, Doc,” said Bill. “I give up. Just where is that?”

Dr. Krankenhaus shook his head, his face still filled with surprise. “It's here, don't you understand? Right here where we are standing!”

INTO THE MALE-FEMALE-STROM

“Here?” Gasped Bill.

“Here!” gurgled Rick, his eyes fairly glowing with excitement.

“Yes indeed. According the figures that the bio-computer has given us, the Fountain of Hormones, the very nexus of the Over-Gland, is right here in this castle!”

“That doesn't make any sense,” said Bill. “This is the Isthmus of Impotence. What would it be doing here?”

“It must be latent ... potential energy on the outskirts of nascent being...” mumbled Baron-Krankenhaus uncertainly.

“No, nothing latent about glandular energy, people!” cried Rick with great enthusiasm. “We're talking biology here, Doc. We're talking chemistry. If we can imagine the Over-Gland to be rather like a supra-dimensional amoeba, then its nexus would be like an amoeba's nucleus, floating within its mass. Clearly, the Fountain of Hormones has chosen this spot for a very specific reason.”

“But where is it?” said Bill. “I don't see any Fountain.”

“Then that may only be a metaphorical term, Bill,” said Rick. “But I submit, Doctor, that at this very instant there are biological devices manufacturing hormones at an incredible rate, even as we speak.”

“Exhaustion grips me,” the drooping doctor droned, staggering and almost falling. “My brain cells don't seem to connect very well. Could you — would you — explain?!”

Rick pointed at the bio-computer. “Delighted to, Doctor. When you sewed all those bodies together, you must have included all their glands, including of course those involved with the sexual process. It is my theory, hopefully soon to be proved, that they have all moved, all melded together into one super-sex organ that is now attached to the sophisticated nervous system of the computer. The energies they've given off must have attracted every other energy source.” Rick was dancing with excitement. “This is it! This computer is the tap for all the sexual energy of the known universe! And maybe some parts still unknown!”

“Young man,” said Baron Krankenhaus. “I must say you seem to know a great deal about not only glandular mathematics and sexual mechanics — indeed, you seem to comprehend whole areas beyond even me!”

Rick ignored the comment as he rushed to the controls. “Mere theorizing, Doc. What we have to do is to test it out! If we have the correct idea, then possibly we'll be able to use these instruments here to tap the Fountain — which in turn controls the Over-Gland. And what is the one thing you both desire for different reasons?”

“A drink?” asked Bill, licking his lips.

“No, bowbhead — forgotten already? Your heart's desire, Bill. Irma, of course.”

“Irma!” the doctor cried aloud, a heartfelt wail of woe. “Yes, of course! My dear, lovely daughter. Yes, she floats in the Over-Gland, and it was there that Bill met her. Yes! If we can program her vital statistics in, we might well be able to pull her out!”

“38-22-34!” said Bill.

“How could you possibly know my daughter's measurements, Bill?” asked the Doctor-Baron, astounded.

“I just happened to hear, somewheres,” Bill muttered — then quickly changed the subject. “So what are you waiting for, Rick? Program the vital statistics!”

“With your permission, Doctor.”

“Of course! Oh, could my seemingly endless quest for my daughter be at an end at last? How long have I been searching? Centuries, it seems. Go Rick, go! But, by the way, just in passing, your speech patterns seem somehow very familiar to me. Haven't I met you somewhere before?”

“Here we go, Doc!” Rick exulted, ignoring the question and getting to work with the controls.

“Wait a minute! How do you know how to do that?”

“I'm a fast study,” said Rick, pushing levers and buttons. Tendons twitched, nerves and ganglia sparkled and snapped with electrochemical energy.

“Zoroaster!” said Bill, alarmed. “What's happening to the bio-computer?”

A shimmer of light rippled across the mottled, translucent, stitched together skin of the gargantuan thing. It shook and it spasmed, as though undergoing the most profound and uncomfortable internal rearrangement.

“Yes!” cried Rick. “And now here we go — 38-22-34! Come on, baby. We want Irma Krankenhaus!”

The eye of the bio-computer was fluttering open and closed as though in the midst of a complex drug trip. Tongues fluttered out from the multitude of mouths like New Year's Eve joymakers. Bulges began to grow along the massive skin, like inflating balloons.

Then, with an internal groan, a body could be seen appearing inside one of these elongated swellings, a face and body stretching the membrane.

“Anybody got a pin?” said Rick.

However, a pin proved unnecessary. This new stretched membrane popped of its own accord, sending out a splatter of fluid onto the floor, the drenched woman slipping and sliding along with it.

Bill could not believe his eyes. “Irma!” he cried joyously. “Irma!”

“Yuck!” cried the woman, floundering on the floor. “Don't just stand there, you idiot! Help me get out of this mess — I'm dripping wet!”

Gingerly, Bill stepped forward, and pulled Irma up into his embrace. He didn't mind the water at all — in fact he enjoyed the way it rendered Irma's previously translucent gown almost invisible. “Irma! Do you recognize me?”

“Of course I recognize you, lamebrain. You're Bill, and I'm the love of your life. Now would someone kindly tell me just where the hell am I? All I know is I'm not in a very good mood.”

She looked around at Rick, and registered nothing. But then she turned and saw Baron Barren, head bobbling with anticipation, looking hopefully and happily at her.

“Daddy!” she cried, pulling herself away from Bill. “Daddy!” She went over to the man and hugged him. “Daddy,” she said, pulling away and examining him appraisingly. “Has your arthritis been acting up again?”

“It's a long story, honeybun. It's just good to see you again, that's all.”

“And look!” cried Bill, staring down at his chest. The dead dove and leather thong were disappearing! “I've found you, and the Grime of the Aging Marinator is going away! I'm freed of the curse! Can life actually be a story that has a happy ending?” Bill ran to his beloved and swept her up in his arms, planting a kiss on her lips.

“Happy ending?” said Rick. “Why yes, I think so, Bill. But probably not for you, or the Doctor, or Irma — or for that matter, the universe!”

Bill, Irma still locked in his embrace, turned and looked at his erstwhile companion. Rick had a strange look of satisfaction on his face — and his color had changed again. Now it looked rather gray. Almost a metallic gray.

“Oh, no! How could I have been such a fool!” said Baron Krankenhaus. “I should have seen what was coming! Trolls, stop him! Kill him!”

The trolls stumbled and hurtled forward to the attack. But not quickly enough, no indeed. The Supernal Hero's hands flew across the controls of the computer. Microseconds later, two of the bio-computer's mouths opened. Long tongues flickered out, wrapped themselves around the trolls and pulled them into the fiercely gnashing mouths.

Rick laughed maniacally. “I've found it! The Fountain of Hormones! The nexus! The center to the power that I have always craved!”

“Rick?” said Bill. “Rick, old buddy. Are you maybe going slightly nuts? I know that every week is Bowb-Your-Buddy Week but this is ridiculous!”

“Oh no!” rasped Dr. Krankenhaus. “Oh God, no! It can't be! Guards! Fiends! Creatures! Help!”

“Save your breath, Doc,” exulted Rick, his voice noticeably different now. “I took the precaution of bolting, locking and then supergluing —” He held up a container with a dripping nozzle, “— the doors here! And since I've already mastered the controls on this corpuscular computer, a little nudge....” Rick flicked a toggle. Immediately, a chorus of muffled screams filtered through the thick doors. “...will take care of any battering ram attempts. That was the psychic equivalent of a quick knee in the groin, my friends. So stay where you are or be prepared for a good swift one as well!”

“Rick! What's wrong with you!” said Bill, baffled.

“That's the voice of Latex Delazny,” said Irma. “I recognize it.”

“Irma, I meant to ask you,” said Bill. “How come you told me your name was Irma Feritele?”

“I don't know, Bill. I guess I lost my memory. I got confused.” She jabbed a forger at Rick. “But I can't forget that voice. Delazny! This is all your fault!”

“I've come to your succor, haven't I, sweet Irma? And I still mean to have you, my love...” A leer crept over Rick's contorted features, “...and every other beautiful woman in the Galaxy to boot. I'll show those fools — how they sneered at me — what macho really means!”

“But Rick ... Buddy! What happened? Have you been on dirty Delazny's side all along?” said Bill, feeling betrayed.

“Can't you see, Bill?” gasped Dr. Krankenhaus. “That's not Rick the Supernal Hero! That's an android model. Controlled, no doubt, by sophisticated radio signals by Dr. Delazny himself, safely hiding away somewhere outside the Over-Gland!”

“That's right, Bill! I built this model special myself!” came Delazny's voice through Rick's mouth. “And it all worked out very well! I knew you were my man, Bill! I just knew your homing instincts would take us right to where the hormones hang out! And now, thanks to this wonderfully bizarre contraption that the good Doctor has built — with a few special settings that I will set into it right now — I will be able to control the bio-computer from my base beneath the sea at Colostomy!”

“I don't understand, Delazny!” said Bill. “Just what the bowb are you trying to do? I thought you were seeking the secrets of peace! I thought you were trying to stop the Chinger War!”

“Oh, the War will stop soon enough! With this new power I will be able to crush anyone or anything that gets in my way! And naturally, I shall control every single human being in the Universe! I shall have power that no other tyrant has ever dreamed of! Every man my slave — and much more important, every woman as well. All of them mine! Mine! They all laughed and said I was mad!” The Rick android cackled wildly. “Now we'll see who is mad! Do excuse me for a moment. I have some rather important adjustments to make!” The android turned back to diddle with the knobs and switches on the board.

“No!” cried Dr. Krankenhaus. “No, I won't allow it!” Somehow, the man untwisted himself and commenced staggering toward the Dr. Delazny creature, his hands out and curled into claws. “I'll kill you, Delazny! Kill you!”

The Rick android grinned, and pulled a switch. With a horrendous scream, Dr. Krankenhaus vibrated for a moment, and then crashed to the floor, twitching and spasming until he passed out.

“Daddy!” cried Irma.

“Stay back,” said Bill, grabbing ahold of her and keeping her from running to her wounded father.

A pseudopod from the bio-computer flowed out and enveloped the fallen doctor. It pulled him through an opening in the thing's side.

“Ha ha ha! Now stay back, you two,” warned Rick/Delazny. “I have a vile purpose in mind for you both, for which I will need you alive.... But if you try anything, I'll be just as happy to feed you to the Bio-Comp here!” He turned back to the controls, playing them with manic skill, laughing all the while.

Irma fell into Bill's arms, sobbing and moaning. “Daddy!” she cried. “Oh, dear Daddy! I've lost you forever.”

Bill enjoyed holding onto her — but realized as well that this was the time for cool thought, not warm embrace. What could he do? Trying to stop the android at the controls would clearly deliver him into a fate as unsavory as that of the late Dr. Krankenhaus. Irma's warm, soft body against his was most distracting. But — was this the end?

“Psst!” said a tiny little whisper. “Bill!”

Bill blinked. “Wussha?”

What was that? Surely not Irma down there, snuffling and sobbing into his manly chest. No, it didn't sound like her at all! Maybe it was his imagination.