Binding Arbitration (50 page)

“Go home to your other home. I need some time. I want to sort things through by myself for awhile.” I wanted to crawl in the deepest, darkest place I could find and fade away.

Pain washed his face, and he froze as if he was perilously standing on an island of fragile ice in the middle of a darkened lake. Blind-sided, he hesitated, first to move toward me, then taking a step back, his hands moving away from his clothes. I turned away. When he sat down, his hand came to rest on my hip. He squeezed. “I need you.”

I placed my hand on his to reassure him, but I knew there were no assurances in life. “I know, but I need to be alone.”

“Babe, we need to be together. That’s the best way for us to get through this.”

“That might be what’s best for you, but what’s best for me is some time alone. Please don’t make me beg for it.”

“I loved him, too, Libby.”

“Yes, but I loved him from the moment I knew about him.”

“You grieve for all that you had and lost, and I grieve for all that I wasted and will never be able to get back.” I heard him shudder out a few inhalations. “I grieve the misery of regret, like your father.” He moved over me and his warm breath washed my face before he kissed my temple. “Please don’t shut me out, not now. Not after everything.”

Tears started to run down my face. I wanted to wallow in them without witnesses. “Please give me time to get where I need to go, this is something you can’t give me.”

I could hear his emotions battling in his wavering voice when he spoke. “I’ll go, if you promise not to go anywhere.”

I sniffled out a yes.

“I’ll call you in the morning.” He kissed my temple again and ran his lips from there along my hairline to my ear. “I love you, babe.”

I didn’t respond. I was torn between wanting his love, which I had always dreamt of having and pushing it just beyond the grasp of my fingertips.

“Libby, I know you’re hurting, but I love you so much.”

With a raw, wounded heart, his love didn’t seem to faze me; my father’s concern didn’t seem to register, all the whispered encouragement couldn’t fill the gaping hole left by the death of my child. All I felt was the sharp loss of Cass. I couldn’t choke out words of reply; they would have been hollow memories my grief had sucked dry. What could I say of love, when all the real love I had ever felt was buried six feet under the frozen earth?

35

BIGGEST DOUBLE OF MY CAREER

Grief knits two hearts in closer bonds than happiness ever can.
Alphonse De Lamartine

Aidan 4:30 a.m.

“Daddy?”

I came awake with a start. I was sure I had heard a voice, and I thought maybe Libby had decided to come home after two tortuous weeks. I barely slept, and when I did, it was neither for very long, nor without suffering. I rubbed my eyes trying to adjust to the murky dawn.

“Daddy, it’s me,” a childlike voice whispered.

Another voice said, “You don’t have to whisper, Cass. No one else is here except us and your dad.”

I zeroed in on where the voices were coming from at the end of my bed. My instinctual reaction was to back away.

“It’s okay, Daddy, it’s just me.”

I locked eyes with the eerily translucent figure at the foot of my bed. His eyes were the exact color of his mother’s. How I could see the green depths in the dark I couldn’t explain. He was wearing his baseball uniform, exactly as I had last seen him and his hat was slightly off kilter the way he liked it best—he’d said it was cool that way. “Cass?”

“It’s him. Are you going to pay attention? We don’t have much time.”

I focused on the other figure and almost jumped out of my skin. My brother was standing next to Cass in a Florida Marlins uniform. His face hadn’t aged since I was nine-years-old. The pain of it struck me to my core. “Andy?”

He smiled. “You still remember me?”

This was a serious delusion, but at least it was a pleasant one. “Of course, you’re my brother.” I looked back and forth between them. “Why are you with my son?”

“Daddy, Uncle Andy is my guardian angel. He takes care of me in heaven.” He smiled his crooked toothed smile. “‘Member when I told you that you should tell mommy why I was sent to earth? You need to go and tell her now.”

“But I don’t know why.”

“Think, daddy. Think.”

“I’m thinking.”

“Think harder.” Cass insisted.

With those words, the truth I had never considered washed through me.

“You got it now, Daddy?” He smiled.

I did. “But she won’t see me.”

Andy said, “Set aside your pride and your hurt feelings.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Go see her this morning, Daddy. Get her out of bed, make her eat. If she doesn’t, the babies are going to die.”

“The babies?”

“Mommy has two babies in her pocket.” Cass smiled proudly. “Didn’t you get my signs? ‘Member you said if the player doesn’t see the first sign, you should send more. First, I made mommy sick, I didn’t want to, but Uncle Andy said I had to. Then I made her faint, ‘member?” He looked down at his cleats and then he looked up at me blushing. How on earth could blood rush to the cheeks of a delusion?

He wasn’t from this earth any longer, and my mind dipped past the stupor and came up with the only conclusion available. Cass dug into the carpet with his shoe. “Member how she hurt when you touched her somewhere? I know you didn’t mean to hurt her, but be extra gentle with her body now.”

“Libby’s going to have a baby?” I asked.

Andy nodded and held up two fingers before he put his hand on Cass’ shoulder. “This is your single, and now you got a double. Are you going to try to hit for the cycle?”

“We’re going to have twins?”

Cass smiled. “I told you that. Mommy has a boy baby and a girl baby in her pocket. There frat...frat... what’s that word Uncle Andy?”

“Fraternal.”

“Yeah, fraternal twins, that means they aren’t exactly alike. But you got to make mommy understand.”

“Get Libby to understand, got it,” I said as I started to get out of bed and move toward Cass.

“I love you, Daddy, I only get to come and see you this one time.” He smiled. “Don’t worry, Daddy, I’m happy where I am.”

I stumbled and tried to reach him. “I love you, Cass.”

“I know, Daddy.” He started to fade, then became blurry and slipped away. It hurt that in one moment I could hear his sweet voice, and in another I realized I’d never hear it again.

Andy was still there. “If she won’t listen to reason, make her mad. She’s as pig-headed as you are, and we have other people we need to take care of. We can’t come back, but if you don’t get her out of this funk she’ll exist only in your dreams.” He started to fade away. “You’ve turned out to be a good man, Aidan. Make her see what we all see.”

“I love you, Andy. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, little bro, I’ve got my work cut out for me on Avery. Later.” When he was nothing more than tiny particles of light, he whispered, “I love you, too.”

I had been torn up about what to do. I was trying to be patient, but she could try the patience of a saint. I was hurting, too, and she was the only thing that made me better, the only comfort in the world to me.

7:00 a.m.

It was time to play hardball. When I called Max from my cell on the way to his house, he agreed on my course of action. “I’m probably going to have to break the door down.”

“Aidan, at this point do what you have to. She barely takes our calls. The only person she’s cracked the door open for was Ollie, and she wouldn’t let her in. Aidan, you need to prepare yourself. Ollie said she looks like hell.”

“Why didn’t you call me?”

“Ollie didn’t see her until last night, and Suzy called afterwards and threatened that if Libby didn’t come out that she was going to come in.” He chuckled to himself. “The one person you never want to piss off is my Suzy. Libby tried to cry her way out of it, but Suzy let her know that yesterday was the end of the pity party.”

“I’ve played into for too long.”

“I’ve been impressed with your restraint, I couldn’t have lasted a week.”

“You didn’t doubt me?”

“In the past, yes, but not anymore, I’ve never seen a man watch a woman more closely than you did Libby after Cass died. Even through your own pain, she was foremost in your mind. Not too many men love like that, but those who do are the lucky ones.” Max cleared his throat. “Before I forget—any word on Manny?”

“No, nothing. I think Evita might try to go to South America to see if she can find him.”

“Espinoza is probably hiding him in plain sight. I’ll call Tony and see what I can do. Evita might be signing her own death warrant if she touches South American soil,” he sighed, disgusted. “Maybe that was Espinoza’s plan from the beginning.”

“I want Espinoza to pay for what he’s done.”

“Get in line.” Max said as he hung up.

I was glad Max was up to speed on the situation. I wasn’t in the right state of mind to help Evita. And after this morning’s spiritual intervention, Libby’s health was my top priority. Vengeance would have to wait. I pulled up the cobbled drive and mentally prepared myself for the coming battle.

I grabbed my Walgreen’s bag, a couple of moving boxes and the pick axe. I wasn’t quiet coming up the metal stairs. I put everything on the landing and decided it wasn’t worth it to knock, so I took the head of the pick axe and hammered it into the lock, after three whacks, the deadbolt fell.

I picked up my bag and went to her bedroom door which was closed and locked. I banged on the door with my fist, no more Mr. Nice Guy. I was a big leaguer. “Libby, open this door, and let me in,” I said in my angry voice.

“Go the fuck away.”

“Libby, you know how I feel about that language.”

“I’m not a mother anymore, so I can say whatever the fuck I want.”

I knew she wasn’t going to open the door so I went to my bag and got out the tools as I continued to talk. “Open the door because one way or another you’re getting out of bed today.”

Something slammed against the door. “Get the hell out of my apartment or I’ll call Max.”

The first bolt pinged onto the floor from the top hinge. “Max isn’t going to take your side, you call him and see. He was planning on sending the fire-breathing Suzy up here.”

I could hear her thrashing around. “Just go away.”

“Sorry, babe, time is up, and I came to give you good news.” The second pin popped out of hinge. I moved the door away from the frame; the room was pitch dark and quite honestly rank. Libby was wound up in the covers in the bed facing away from me. All I could see was the dark mangled mass of hair. I leaned over the bed and started untangling the covers.

She resisted, but after a considerable struggle, I had all the covers torn away from the sheet and her lying on her back. She grabbed me by my T-shirt, which was exposed under my jacket, and pulled me into her. She wasn’t sweet when she bit into my neck and opened her thighs to embrace me. “Take me,” she said.

I wanted to, despite of her greasy hair, body odor, and stale breath. I wanted her with a vicious intensity that made me harder than hard. I ground my body into hers before I heard Cass’ whispered words in my mind, ‘be gentle with her body’.

“Maybe later.” I pulled away. “After you shower.”

I had never been as blind-sided as when her open hand met my left cheek in a resounding whack. “If you don’t want to fuck, then get the fuck out.”

Andy said to make her mad and she was furious, her eyes glistened with raw anger and if I didn’t know deep down she was sweet and innocent, I would say she was feral. “I want to ‘fuck you’ as you so crudely put it, every minute I’m with you, and most of the ones I’m not. But that’s not what you need right now.” I held her hands back on either side of her head.

She struggled against me and tried to knee me.

“Listen, Libby, you need to stop this temper tantrum right now. It’s not good for the babies.”

She became perfectly still. “What are you talking about?”

“Surprise, you’re pregnant.”

“I am not pregnant, I have an IUD.”

I narrowed my eyes. “You never told me that.”

“You never asked. Do you think I’d be dumb enough to let that happen again?”

“It’s not the same. We’re married, and you’re pregnant.”

“I am not,” she said but she looked around frantically.

I let go of her and grabbed my plastic bag. “Well, we’re only minutes away from finding out.”

“I am not pregnant.”

“The last time you had your period was in the beginning of January. I remember because I was disappointed you weren’t already pregnant.”

“Extreme stress can mess with your cycle.” She thrashed around in the bed giving me her back. “It’s common with an IUD.”

“Had you ever missed it before?”

“Only when I was pregnant with…” She couldn’t finish the sentence, her mind putting the pieces together.

While she was lost in her thoughts I started dragging her to the bathroom. “You can’t keep much food down.” I turned on the shower water. “You fainted,” I said as I pushed her back toward the toilet handing her a Dixie cup. “Pee in the cup and we’ll find out.” I tore the pregnancy test open. My hands shook and I prayed that I was right, that Cass and Andy had led me down the right path.

She took the cup but stood stock still, her eyes like large green marbles bulging from her gaunt, sunken cheeks. She did look like hell, but a few days of food and love would take care of all that. “Pee in the cup, Libby. Then you can shower.”

She pointed toward the door.

“No way. We’re in this together, from beginning to end. Plus, I’ve seen all your pretty parts already.”

She lifted the toilet seat. “Go f—”

I covered her mouth. “If you say that, I will wash your mouth out with soap. God knows you need it.” I pulled her panties down to her ankles and pushed her onto the toilet.

She complied, and when she was done, handed over the cup with a shaking hand. “I am not pregnant.”

“We’ll see.” I set the cup on the sink. She was staring at the urine sample. I moved toward her and put my hands on the hem of her tank top pulling it over her head. “And, as the last piece of evidence, counselor, we have larger breasts, tender to the touch.” I ran my fingertips over them and they pebbled under my caress. I stepped closer to her and she crossed her arms under her breasts pushing them up toward me. “The color of your nipples has gotten much darker, Libby.” I placed a gentle kiss at the top of each breast before I pulled back the shower curtain for her.