Bite Me (Devlin Haskell 3) (5 page)

I pulled into the
parking lot at the international headquarters of KRAZ. I dodged a couple of the potholes and parked. Some newspaper and a BBQ potato chip bag scuttled past me as I walked into the building. I took the back steps up to the sixth floor, by the time I made it to the top I had to pause a moment to catch my breath before I walked down the hallway to the office.

I remembered not to swing the door widely when I
went in. Instead, I sort of stepped sideways to enter the office.

“Halt, identify yourself.”

“What?”

“Identify yourself,” a short, fat guy
groaned as he came out of a chair in the process of blinking himself awake. He was dressed in camouflaged combat fatigues that looked brand new. They were a woodland pattern, not the digitized stuff like we had in Iraq. He had gold Sergeant Major stripes sewn on both sleeves. He wore spit polished combat boots with his trousers bloused into the top of the boots. An olive drab web belt was cinched snugly around his forty-six inch waist. He fumbled with the top of a black leather holster at his side.

I spun him around, pushed him up against the wall, pi
nned his arm behind his back then pulled a forty-five caliber pistol out of his holster.

“Ouch, ouch
, get off, get off damn it, you’re killing me,” he groaned.

“You
idiot, this damn thing is loaded,” I said and yanked his arm up higher behind his back.

“Aw, G
od, uncle, okay, okay, I give up, let me go, I’ll talk, I’ll talk.”

I released my grip and took a step back, extracted the clip from the pistol,
then pulled the slide back and ejected a round that bounced across the floor.

“What the hell is this? You’re lucky you haven’t killed someone or shot yourself
, you boob. Who the hell are you?”

He wore a pained look on hi
s face, his jowls and chins suddenly became flushed. He stood there looking hurt and rubbing his elbow. The web belt around his waist was cinched tightly around his massive midsection, a large roll of fat ballooned above and below the belt.

“Who the hell are you?” I asked again
.

“Hogue, Matthias, C. Command Sergeant Major. Four-five-five, three-five…”

“Shut up, you fuckwit. Don’t give me that name, rank and serial number bullshit or I’ll…”

“Sergeant Major is everything… Oh, you.” Thompson
Barkwell stood in the doorway leading back to his office, he sounded disappointed.

“He doesn’t have the
password, sir?” The camouflaged toad said, then sniffled and continued to rub his elbow.

I
glared at him.

He took a step back and stared at the floor.

“At ease, Sergeant Major.” Thompson Barkwell looked me over. “I thought we dismissed you yesterday, what do you want, Hastings?” he said.

“
Haskell. Just dropping off my invoice, Tommy. I didn’t think I was going to be breeching your security. Password? Are you guys nuts, a fucking password isn’t going to help. I’m already in here.”

I made my thumb and forefinger in
to a gun, pointed it at Sergeant Major Tubby and dropped my thumb. “Bang! Your fat ass is dead.”

I
pointed at Thompson, dropped my thumb, twice for good measure. “Bang, bang, you’re really dead, Tommy.”

“That sort of behavior
is neither necessary nor helpful,” Thompson said.

I just shook my head.

“Look, if you guys are really under threat, you’d better start taking things a little more seriously and knock off the toy soldier bullshit. That sure as hell ain’t cuttin’ it.”

“Was there some purpose to your unauthorized visit this afternoon?” Thompson asked.

I took a deep breath, attempted to relax.

“Yeah, here’s
my invoice. Payment upon receipt,” I said, handing him the envelope with the invoice enclosed.

He l
ooked at the envelope in my hand, but made no effort to take it.

“And as I explained to you, yesterday. Your invoice will be reviewed at our next board meeting.”

“You did explain that. And, as I told you, I would be dropping this invoice off, today, and my terms are payment upon receipt.”

“Do you have a signed contract
, Mister Haskell?”

“You know I don’t. But I think under the circumstances you might just want me paid and out of your hair.”

“What circumstances would those be?”

“Well, for starters, I just ca
me from the police station. They called me down for a chat. They seemed to be a little curious about the attempt on your life. You know, the press conference, the shooting, the…”

“Our right to free speech shall not be silenced. We…”

“The phone call to 911. Made from a couple of blocks away, you know, you should have thought things through a little better, before you had her call,” I bluffed.

It was Thompson Barkwell’s turn to go red faced.

“I’ll take that, wait here while I cut you a check,” he said, then snatched the envelope out of my hand and stomped back toward his office.

“Could I, could I
have my gun back?” the Sergeant Major whined.

“Are you
kidding me?”

“It’s, it’s not mine it
belongs to one of the other guys on the team.”

“Team?”

“Seal Team Six, there’s six of us. We’ve sworn an oath…”

“Stop, before I really hurt you. Seal Team Six, this isn’t some fucking toy, nu
mb nuts, this thing is loaded. In fact you know what, spoils of war, I’m keeping it. You better find a new line of work because this sure as hell doesn’t seem to fit you.”

“But I promised, I’d take care…”

“Mister Haskell, here, your deed is done, now get out.” Thompson called from behind me then thrust a check in my direction.

I
glanced at the amount, about a hundred and twenty-five bucks short.

“That’s not the right amount.”

“I took a twenty percent discount, based on early payment.”

“Twenty percent, that’s not my policy.”

“No, its mine, good day, Mister Haskell.”

“You’re stiffing me for a hundred and twenty-five bucks?”

“No, I’m paying you more than you’re worth, as it is, now get out before I call the police.”

“This isn’t the last you’ve heard of me.”

“Good day, Mister Haskell.”

There wasn’t much I
could do. I thought about throwing Thompson out the window but with the way my luck was running he would simply land on his thick skull and remain unfazed. Instead, I drove over to his bank, cashed his check before he had a chance to reconsider and stop payment. Then I drove to my office, rifled off a nasty letter and attached an invoice for the balance owed. I slapped a stamp on the envelope and mailed the thing before I had a chance to reconsider.

Amazingly, the mail box was right across the street from
The Spot. I decided a beer couldn’t hurt. I was successfully pursuing that activity some hours later when my phone rang.

“Haskell,” I answered, forgetting the ‘investigations’ part.

“Oh wow, Dev, how exciting, you sound positively uncivil. I heard you had a run in with that tubby little wart Tommy Barkwell, earlier.”

“Who’s this?” I was having trouble hearing
over Lonesome George Thorogood cranking out ‘
Bad to the Bone
’ on the jukebox and I staggered outside into the heat.

“It’s me,
Kiki. Where in God’s name are you?”

“The Spot. What do you want?
” I mumbled, attempting to clear multiple beers from my head as I leaned against the outside of the building.

“Oh I don’t know, just a girl looking to party.”

“Well, like I said, I’m at The Spot.”

I don’t remember much beyond that.
I know Kiki must have shown up at some point because I woke up in her bed the next morning. Mercifully, there were no knives. In fact there wasn’t any drama, well except for the spray painted “KRAZ SUCKS” in large red letters, about four feet high, across a bedroom wall.

“Holy shit,” I gro
aned stuffing my head back under her pillow.

“Here, take
a couple of these,” Kiki said, holding out what I guessed we’re four aspirin and what looked like a glass of orange juice.

I tossed all four
aspirin into my mouth, then washed them down with the orange juice, sugary, sweet and the first non-alcoholic thing in my system in the past eighteen hours.

“Actually, two of those were for me,” she said.

“Oh, sorry ‘bout that, God, that stuff was sweet, man.” I smacked my lips and then ran my tongue over my fuzzy teeth.

“Yeah, I added sugar, lots of it. It’s what the system craves just now. The sweet carbs
will go a long way in fighting your hangover. I’m guessing you’ve got one, a hangover.”

“The king of all hangovers. What the hell is this?” I asked as I turned my head back and forth to crack my neck and felt something tighten.

“Whoops, your collar and leash.” Kiki laughed.

“My what?” I asked sitting up, then glanced at the black leather leash along my side,
reached up and felt where it clipped onto a dog collar around my neck.

“
You were in need of some, um, training, last night. Don’t you remember, bad puppy?” she said, then gave the leash a tug.

“What?”

“Oh, you were a bad boy, a very bad boy,” she giggled.

I noticed the grass stains on my knees.

“Need to be taken outside again?”

“No, no, a
hhh look, I probably should get going, I’ve got a meeting. What time is it, do you know?”

“Just a little after two?”

“In the afternoon?”

“Yes, in the afternoon, do you think the sun would be out if it was two in the morning, silly?”

“Yeah, good point, I guess.”

I swung my feet onto the floor, sat on the edge of
her bed and took a couple of deep breaths, then looked around the bedroom for my jeans.

“You sure you haven’t already missed your meeting?”

“I only wish, no, it’s at three thirty or four I can’t remember which,” I lied.

“What are you doing?”

“Actually, to tell you the truth, I’m looking around for my jeans.”

“
Oh, I think you left them in your car.”

“
My car?”

“
Yeah that big red clunky thing you drive, it’s out in back.”

“
Oh yeah, now I remember.”

I though
t I spied my t-shirt on the floor, began to pull it on, but it got caught up on the leash.

“Hey, could you maybe
help get this thing off me. The leash?” my arms were up in the air with the t-shirt over my head.

“Yeah, I guess. By the way that’s my top you’re putting on, unless you have one with spaghetti straps.”

“Oh sorry,” I peeked out at her as she climbed off the bed and unclipped the leash.

“Here, give me this. Now turn round,” she sa
id directing me with her hands.

“I think puppy needs a lot more training,
what do you think?’ she giggled and rubbed against my back.

“I think I need my jeans.”

“I’ll go get them,” she said pulling on a thong and exiting the bedroom.

“Wh
at if someone sees you?” I called.

“What if they do?” she said,
already in the kitchen. I heard the back door open a moment later. After a couple of minutes she strolled back in, carrying my jeans, t-shirt and boxers.

“No worries, they
were all in your car,” she said like it was an everyday occurrence.

“Thanks for getting them,” I said
, then glanced at the spray painting on the bedroom wall as I pulled my boxers on.

“Enlighten me,” I said nodding at the wall.

“Oh, you did that right before I took you outside.”

I looked at the graffiti I’d apparently
sprayed on her bedroom wall. I must have been flying, I never write with capitol letters, but then again, I never write with spray paint either. It seemed particularly harsh against the beige walls and glossy white woodwork.

“You were pretty screw
ed up,” she said.

“Yeah, I would say
so. Look, sorry about that. I know a guy who can fix that, paint it, I mean. Let me get him over here, take care of that right away.”

“I don’t know, I kind of like it.”

“You do?”

“No, just yanking your chain,
I mean, your leash,” she said and held up the leash, giggled, then tossed it onto the bed with a suggestive look on her face.

“Look, I better run, sorry to dash out like this,” I said
, slipping on my shoes.

“Sure?” she said, raising her eyebrows and running her tongue back and forth over her lips.

“I’ll call my pal. I’m sure he can get over here in a day or two and get that taken care of.”

“No rush,” sh
e said following me out the bedroom door and into her kitchen.

We stopped,
kissed and groped for a few minutes at her kitchen door.

“I gotta get going, I said,” felt for my keys in
the pocket of my jeans, kissed her a final time and stepped out the backdoor. She grabbed an apple off the counter, took a bite then stood there chewing, watching me as I walked out to my car in the alley.

“Hey Dev, oouuuuuu!”
she howled, just as I opened the gate.

I smiled, shook my head, then quickl
y closed the gate behind me, jumped into my car and locked all the doors.