Bitter Is the New Black: Confessions of a Condescending, Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smart-Ass, Or, Why You Should Never Carry a Prada Bag to the Unemployment Office : A Memoir (39 page)
Authors: Jen Lancaster
Tags: #General, #Unemployed women workers, #Job Hunting, #Humorous fiction, #Business & Economics, #Careers, #Biography, #Jeanne, #Personal Memoirs, #Biography & Autobiography, #United States, #Women
2
OK, exactly how did
this
idiot get hired here? We’re
supposed
to be the best and brightest in our industry (which is media and communications).
3
And why the hell is a VEGAN on a fishing trip in the first place?
4
Oh, relax. I gave a totally big donation to the local food bank as soon as I started making big commissions.
5
Your boss does NOT need to know if you possess an
innie
or an
outie
.
6
Seriously, look at all the jewelry pirates wear.
7
Mmm-hmm, work it, girl.
8
Smart boy, and precisely the reason I’ve never stabbed him with a wayward dessert fork.
9
Shhh—it’s clear mascara.
10
Extra foamy, one NutraSweet, and make it snappy.
11
Which I may have done once. Or possibly twice.
12
Share my roof deck? Never!
13
Fucking loser.
14
Somehow, my flat, slightly nasal, dandelion-and-Bud-Light Chicago accent is less inspiring.
15
I’m a bitch, not a tattletale.
16
Bowling, I’m also looking at you.
17
I mean another straight guy.
18
Being a bitch is fine. Being a cheater is not.
19
And I am all about looking good.
20
So I look prettier in comparison, of course.
21
Or Tad or Vlad or anyone else.
22
Granted, it generally
was
my fault, but it would have been nice to get the benefit of the doubt once in a while.
23
Seriously, you’d have thought she grew up on a dirt farm in Appalachia instead of a working-class duplex in Boston.
24
A lot like most of the guys I dated before I met Fletch.
25
Faux.
26
If you have a better term for a ten-year-old who insists on shoving crayons up his nose, I’d certainly like to hear it.
27
And threaten bodily harm (when necessary).
28
I was
Jeni
for about five minutes back in high school because I liked to dot my
i
’s with a sunflower. But I’m a big-time professional and those days are long over, OK?
29
Honest to God, this is a direct quote.
30
OK, I honestly wondered if one would fit in my bag, but only for a second.
31
Not that I’ve ever seen a money shot. Or am familiar with the concept. Because I am a nice girl who is saving herself for marriage despite seven years of cohabitation. Hi, Mom!
32
The Ivy League–caliber ego and smug sense of superiority I developed are unfortunate side effects, but what are you going to do?
33
Shut up.
34
Yelling.
35
Lies! Lies, I tell you!
36
It was SO Dick Sargent.
37
It’s a museum, right?
38
Of course you did, sweetie! Now let’s see if you can make squirty in the potty like a big boy!
39
Yes, she FINALLY ended it last month. Whore.
40
No, it wasn’t me. But given the opportunity, I would have done the same thing.
41
Who can resist a set of fuchsia-and-orange-striped Kate Spade?
42
Surprise, surprise, Kathleen was pissed.
43
You think I’m shallow? I’m Maya-freaking-Angelou next to these girls.
44
PR girls never have normal names like Kim or Amy.
45
HATE! HATE! HATE!
46
I am all about being telegenic.
47
OK, girdle. Again, shut up.
48
I canceled my interview on 9/11 and have since postponed my job search until I get my wits back.
49
Apparently Kathleen is the only one without a soul.
50
Thank God video phones aren’t mainstream yet. I’m famous for taking conference calls in my footie pajamas.
51
You cheap bastards!
52
Stupid moral compass (and fear of jail).
53
Do I even need to mention how much cuter I was than her?
54
Seriously, WAY cuter.
55
Powder pink is totally the new black.
56
Or helps me prove a point.
57
She also used to make tea from the weeds in her yard and Sunday gravy with goat meat, but that’s another story.
58
In my dad’s defense, he only started with the double pants-retaining system recently. With his flat butt and heavy wallet, I suspect there may have been an
incident.
59
My father was the lead truck in a Marine convoy back in the early fifties. Since he refuses to ask for directions when lost, he accidentally led his entire 1,600 man division to the border of Mexico. The Mexican border guards thought it was the beginning of World War Three.
60
But the darling Cuban-heeled patent leather shoes projected so much authority AND style that I’d have been foolish
not
to buy them.
61
To this day, I can only recite the preamble to the Constitution because of
Schoolhouse Rock
.
62
Having once spent every Saturday for a month at the Illinois DMV trying to get my car registered, I’ve since learned to be prepared when dealing with bureaucracies.
63
Quality demands respect.
64
Are they kidding? I’ve already applied to enough places to satisfy my six-month requirement.
65
I’m not always successful, but points for trying, right?
66
Fan-fucking-tastic.
67
Please don’t tell Big Daddy.
68
My old neighbor Melissa has been laid off four times in the past year and a half. I don’t understand how she hasn’t yet taken a hostage out of sheer frustration.
69
And glorious new boots.
70
What? Like I’d use a cap and mess up the ’do. I don’t
think
so.
71
Dubbed because I’ve been waiting for them to call me home for so long.
72
I won’t hold a stupid expression against him if he wants to hire me.
73
A birthday present to myself. I’m worth it, yes?
74
Cosmetics and coordinating wallets, NOT PETS, belong in purses.
75
The upside is my butt is an inch higher from all the climbing.
76
In this particular fantasy, we’re sitting on my dream couch.
77
I even envied the dogs last week when the vet trimmed their dew claws.
78
Despite her tacit denial, Dad and I both know the sabotage was deliberate.
79
Honestly? I’d sell my unexfoliated soul for a salt glow right about now.
80
Literally.
81
Had I more time to think about it, I would have prepared a PowerPoint presentation.
82
Like I want to be cut out of the will?
83
This is also why we’re not inviting any children. Beautiful noise? I think not.
84
Yes, I tried one of each. Shut up.
85
Seriously, what’s more fun than go-go dancers?
86
Don’t ask. It was a really bad day.
87
I’m totally losing the weight just as soon as my stress level decreases.
88
In my dreams, I’m an excellent dancer, and not a left-footed Frankenstein, clomping into other people.
89
It’s my dream, so I can wear the updated Dior Brun Swing shade if I want.
90
Considering they cost more than a year’s tuition, they’d better be.
91
An antipsychotic drug. WHICH SHE NEEDS.
92
My dad is the first.
93
Fletch says Clark is going through a divorce now, hence the tyranny. The next boss I have had better be single or come with a clean bill of marital health from his or her therapist. This divorce business makes people way too irrational.
94
Loki, the “good dog,” much prefers to nibble mission-style furniture. He’s a sixty-pound termite with a puffy tail.
95
When we get home, I am totally sending that flight attendant flowers.
96
She’s still pissed I wouldn’t let her iron my high school graduation gown. However, I was only seventeen at the time and have since come to embrace the virtues of a properly pressed garment.
97
Seriously, I’d marry
you
, American Airlines, if I weren’t already engaged.
98
Which are way too cute. The stamp in the candy says, “Jen and Fletch, Bucking Tradition Since 1994” on one side and it has our wedding date on the other, and they’re wrapped to look like casino chips.
99
I don’t know what it is, so don’t ask. (AND DON’T EXPLAIN IT TO ME.)
100
See? See what I mean? He’s an ASS.
101
Oh, Puck, you scamp. I shall never tire of your snot rockets and homophobia.
102
HATE!
103
The cake is the best part of the reception. It had layers of mocha hazelnut, white chocolate–raspberry, lemon–Bavarian cream, and the topper was cream cheese–carrot cake, all covered with white modeling chocolate. By the way, did you know fifty guests can’t consume twenty-five pounds of cake? I didn’t, hence the trip upstairs.
104
I had to put up with it for seven years—it’s payback time.
105
She actually might like it but I DON’T CARE.
106
Correct answer? NO ONE.
107
HATE! Dave Matthews makes me want to kick puppies.
