Authors: Rose B. Mashal

Blind Love: English (9 page)

BOOK: Blind Love: English

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My chest tightened, and my heart swelled, wanting to believe him. It wanted me to tell him that it was the same for me, but my mind wouldn't let me do it. My heart was stupid, my mind was not. My mind wanted to protect me from getting broken all over again. My mind forced me to never say it, forced me to tell him what I knew he truly was.

"Liar," I whispered, but with enough power for him to be able to hear me, turning back to look him in the face when I spoke. "You never loved me, stop doing that, stop it. Why do you want to hurt me this way, why am I such an enjoyable game to you that you want to play with me over and over again? Just stop it!" I yanked my arm away from his soft grip, tears streamed down my face and sobs were let out of my mouth. I hated it. I hated my eyes for crying, and I hated my chest for swelling so hard. My tears were traitors, I hated them to no end, they made me look so weak in front of him, and it was the last thing I ever wanted him to see me as: weak. I hated to give him the satisfaction of knowing that his game had worked so well and that he'd destroyed me so badly. But my eyes betrayed me and let loose my tears, telling him just how badly I was hurt and broken for knowing what we had and just never having the chance to ever live it again.

"Anna, what are you saying?" he asked, the frown and shock decorating his beautiful features. "Why would you even think that? Why would you think I lied to you? I never did!"

"Yes, you did!" I insisted, my voice growing louder. "I heard you that night, Ethan! I heard everything. I heard you telling Dominik how you couldn't do it anymore, how you couldn't do
me
anymore. I heard you telling him that you hated me so much and I couldn't see it only because I was fucking blind!" The new round of the never ending sea of tears were strangling me as I spoke. His words that hurt me so much and for so long were ringing in my ears as if I was hearing them right at that second. It was freaking
painful
.

"What the hell?" he asked in shock. "I've never said anythi– …" He stopped mid-sentence and his eyes moved to the side as if he was remembering something. "Oh, fuck!" he eventually said. I crossed my arms in front of my chest, waiting for him to say what he wanted to say, daring him to lie to me one more time. "Anna, I wasn't talking about you!"

"Huh!" I rolled my eyes and shook my head. Of course, that was what he went for.

"Fuck it, Anna! I swear to God, I swear over my life that I wasn't talking about you," he said.

"Really? Who was it then that Dominik said you didn't have to sleep with again? How many blind girls have you slept with in your life?!"

He gripped his hair with both of his hands before he shook his head, sighed and spoke, "Lisa."

"What? Lisa? Your producer?" I frowned. It couldn't be her; she was in her fifties, way older than Ethan, at least twenty-five years older than him or something like that. Surly he didn't mean
her
. And – she wasn't blind. Okay, I was really confused. I mean, couldn't he at least come up with better lies? More convincing ones? Not like I was going to be convinced with anything he'd say, anyway, but still.

"Yes, Anna, that's the one, my ex-producer."

"I, uh, I don't understand," I admitted.

"Lisa was … into me, sort of."

"What do you mean she was
'into you, sort of'
?!"

"She wanted to have sex with me every now and then, Anna, and I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't even touch her, I was in love with you. The thought of being with anyone other than you disgusted me more than I could explain. Dominik was telling me that I should at least flirt with her or hint that I was going to do what she wanted, because she’d started throwing shit on us when she wasn't getting what she wanted anymore. She even said that she was going to break our contract because we weren't as good as we used to be and people wanted to see new faces."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. It did make sense, but …

"You slept with that woman?" I asked in shock.

His answer was a nod without looking me in the eyes. His lips were in a tight line as he pressed on them, moving his hand through the mess of his hair in frustration maybe or even discomfort, I couldn't tell which.

"Why have you never told me any of this before?" I asked after a pause of silence.

"It's not easy to admit that I fucked my way to success, Anna," he replied while looking away.

My heart ached at his words, and it took me more than a few minutes standing there in silence as I tried to take in all of what he’d said. My mind was now starting to warm to him and take the same side as my heart, and sadness was filling my every sense at the realization of all of we’d gone through for nothing – because of a stupid misunderstanding. Sadness at what
he
had gone through all of this time and barely anyone knew anything about it – and then what he went through because of me not hearing him out.

"You weren't talking about me?" I whispered.

He shook his head and took a step closer to me. His hands touched my face and I took in a sharp breath when he hugged it like he used to do so many times what felt like so long ago. He stared deep into my eyes and his thumbs wiped away my tears. "I wasn't talking about you, never would I have said anything like that about you – not even close. I love you, Anna. I love you. Don't you get it? I’ve loved you since the very first time I laid my eyes on you, that night at the concert when all I could see were faces and mouths drooling over me – something I'd been used to seeing since I was barely a teenager, even before the band. I grew so sick of it. But you – you were the only one who wasn't even glancing my way. You were just a girl with her eyes closed, facing the sky, swaying to the music that
I
was playing, lost in my songs and looking as if you were flying. You captured my heart that night, Anna, I swear you did, and I have never been able to stop thinking about you since then, not for one minute."

"Yo–you love me?" More tears were spilled and my breaths became even more shallow and uneven, my heart begging me like it never had before to just believe him already.

"I love you more than I can explain," was his quick reply. "I love everything about you – your laugh and your eyes, your funny self and wise nature. You always made me feel better whenever I was near you, you became my best friend in no time, and you never asked me for anything except to sing for you while you were in my arms. You were the only one who liked me for what's inside of me and not for my looks. How could I not love you, Beautiful Girl?"

My hands surrounded his neck and I hugged him tightly, inhaling deeply and squeezing tears away and out of my eyes. It was only when I backed away an inch and my lips touched his that I realized how much I'd missed him and how much I wanted him. It was more, way more than I thought I did. It was only then that I realized that I was never going to be able let go of Ethan Thompson no matter how much I tried. My heart wouldn't let me. I loved him.

That day, I learned a lesson. But I learned it the very hard way. I learned it through tears and pain, hurt and agonizing wounds. I learned it the toughest way. That day, I learned to listen, understand, talk and then decide.

Talking it out was a very strange term to me, I'd never had it in my book, never believed in it or ever tried it before. Because I never saw the importance of listening to this or that after something happened. All I felt was, if the damage was done, what was the point of talking about it or hearing excuses? It was truly what I had believed.

I might be an author, but I was never good with expressing my feelings while using my tongue. I'd always put them into written words through my stories while talking about different characters that weren't me and sometimes even through poems which only I ever got to read or know about at all. I was always the kind of girl who barely ever showed sadness or discomfort, I was the kind of girl who always pretended that she was all good and fine. I was the kind of girl who was a professional in faking smiles and acting all happy even if she was burning down from inside. I was never able to get out whatever was inside of me if it was anything related to sadness or upset. Maybe I felt as if it made me weak, maybe even felt that it gave away how vulnerable I really was, maybe that was why all I was ever able to do when I was hurt was to shut down and block people out.

But that day, I learned that I would've seriously lost the best thing that'd ever happened to me in my whole life if I didn't listen this time and truly talk it out. This day I learned that if I didn't listen to what Ethan had to say I would've regretted it for as long as I lived.

That day I walked out of my parents' house hand in hand with the man I loved more than love itself. All smiley and almost high with the drug that was called happiness. That day I felt whole again with just the touch of Ethan's hand over mine. That day I felt all of the warmth I'd longed to feel for so many long and cold nights, just when I got to hear his soft and tender voice telling me how much he loved me. That day I promised myself that I'd live the rest of my life trying to make up for him for all of what I'd put him – us – through. That day I was finally able to learn what feeling complete was like. Because that was how Ethan made me feel. He made me feel complete.

Our love was blind, but we were proud of it, because through blindness we earned its strength. Our love was strong because through all of the hurt, pain and ache, it survived and managed to get our hearts back together, back together where they really belonged. Together. Forever.

What they say is true – lots of hearts have been broken because of words that were left unspoken.

Rose is a loved mother, wife, and a stay at home lawyer. Writing is her passion, and reading is her obsession. Music is her best friend and sarcasm is her speaking trend. One of her joys is bringing happiness to others and her biggest wish is that they stay true to one another. Through her stories, she wants to spread nothing except understanding, peace and love.

Additional Works

Pretty Faces and Dark Places by Rose B. Mashal Coming 2015