Blood & Tacos #3 (12 page)

Studs took his bowie back from Cookie and reached down to cut loose the gangplank connecting the boats, when a charred hand slapped onto the railing of the Nazi bitches’ boat and flipped the gangplank into the ocean from their side.

Laughing hoarsely, Mayan Vampire Nazi Bitch of the Fifth Reich Helga Fuchs stood under the boat canopy, safe from the deadly sunlight. “
Ahhhahahahaha!
You may have won this day, Señor Winslow, but I will return and you will face my Mayan Vampire Nazi wrath!”

As the boats slowly drifted apart, Studs sighed sadly and shook his head. “What do you think, Cookie? You ready to go shopping for
The Goateed Mollusk V
?”

“You didn’t,” said Cookie.

“I activated the failsafe, just in case.” Studs tapped his enormous belt buckle.

“Do it,” said Cookie, and dove overboard, swimming for the shore.

“What are you talking about, Señor Winslow?” Mayan Vampire Nazi Bitch of the Fifth Reich Helga Fuchs had stopped laughing, a concerned look drawn over her Mayan Vampire Nazi Bitch of the Fifth Reich face.

“Bye-bye, Helga,” Studs said as he hit the ruby button on his belt buck two more times and dove over the side of the boat.

The Goateed Mollusk IV
exploded as the TNT in the hold detonated. The last thing Studs saw before hitting the water was the explosion engulfing and vaporizing the Nazi boat and Mayan Vampire Nazi Bitch of the Fifth Reich Helga Fuchs along with it.

Studs smiled as he swam towards shore. His smile didn’t last long.

The giant dorsal fin cut the water ahead of him, heading straight toward Cookie, her wounded foot leading a delicious trail right to her delicious body.

“Swim, Cookie!” shouted Studs. “Swim!”

Cookie turned back to see the monster shark bearing down on her. She doubled her effort, but it wasn’t enough to outpace the shark.

“Nnnnooooooo!” screamed Studs as the great white swallowed Cookie whole and turned towards the greater ocean.

Studs swam for all he was worth after the great white. On another day, without the physical demands made of his body that the day had already taken, he might have caught the beast.

But not today.

Despite his effort, the great white lengthened the distance between them. The despair in Studs’ chest grew over his lost Cookie.

The great dorsal fin slipped under the surface.

Studs treaded water, unwilling to give up, unwilling to face defeat even in the face of the hopelessness before him.

The great white didn’t surface.

But another fin did.

The tiger shark was back and circling Studs.

Studs pulled his knife, ready to take revenge on all of sharkkind for his lost Cookie.

The shark swam by Studs. It slowed down to look him in the eye.

This time, their communication was different.

It wasn’t the predatorial dance of time immemorial.

No.

The tiger shark’s eyes said:
The enemy of my enemy is my friend
.

Studs nodded and grabbed onto his newfound ally’s dorsal fin. In a bolt, the tiger shark was off, carrying Studs with him.

Under the surface, Studs could see the great white two hundred yards ahead, but they were gaining. The tiger shark was faster and didn’t have a bellyful of Cookie slowing him down.

One hundred yards.

Fifty.

Twenty.

Then they were right beside the grey-skinned giant. Studs pushed himself off the tiger shark and plunged his bowie knife deep into the belly of the great white. The shark jerked and writhed as Studs drew his knife down the length of the monster’s body. Entrails poured into the water, pieces of other sharks. Pieces of Lily.

Then a honey brown arm reached from inside, grasping for Studs. Studs grabbed Cookie’s arm and wrenched her free from the belly of the beast. The two of them kicked to the surface and swam for shore as quickly as they could. The sea was red with the great white’s blood as smaller sharks enacted their revenge for the giant shark’s tyranny. The feeding frenzy was magnificent and terrifying.

Studs gave one last look back at the tiger shark. He gave his aquatic friend a final salute and headed for shore.

When Studs and Cookie reached the beach, a small group had gathered on the shore. Dirty Jack was one of the onlookers. He waded out and helped the exhausted Studs and Cookie onto the beach. They fell onto the soft white sand, spent.

“What the hell happened?” Dirty Jack asked.

“Mayan Nazi Vampires.” Cookie said.

Dirty Jack shrugged and looked out at the fiery wrecks of the two boats. “Oh well. Who wants Rum Runners?”

Studs and Cookie each weakly raised a hand.

THE END

Todd Robinson
is the creator and Chief Editor of the award-winning ‘zine
THUGLIT.COM
.
His writing has appeared in
Plots With Guns, Needle Magazine, Shotgun Honey, Strange, Weird, and Wonderful, Out of the Gutter, Pulp Pusher, Grift, Demolition Magazine, CrimeFactory
and
Danger City.
He has been nominated for a Derringer Award, short-listed for Best American Mystery Stories, selected for Writers Digest’s Year’s Best Writing 2003 and won the inaugural Bullet Award in June 2011.

The first collection of his short stories,
Dirty Words,
is now available as an E-book and his debut novel
The Hard Bounce
will be released in January 2013 from Tyrus Books.

By Michael Wayne

In July, Johnny did an interview for
Time Out Sydney
all about
Blood & Tacos
. Due to space, they could only print an edited version of the interview. For your reading pleasure, here is the unedited interview conducted by Michael Wayne (check out his blog at
http://wayninginterests.wordpress.com
).

Johnny, what was it about the modern age that was screaming for a return to the gung-ho pulp action heroes of old?

I seriously doubt that the modern age was screaming for
Blood & Tacos
, but they are now. No matter how civilized we pretend to be, the universal appeal of sex and violence has never diminished.
Blood & Tacos
gives the people what they want, except we’re slapping sideburns and bushy mustaches on it.

There’s something freeing about stories set in the 1970s and 1980s. Stories that consciously forgo any political correctness and let loose the dogs of war.

What can readers expect from a typical issue?

If you’ve read the Executioner, the Destroyer, or the Death Merchant, you’ll know right away what we’re all about. Entertaining stories that deliver fast-paced thrills and big action. Manly men doing manly things.

Every three months,
Blood & Tacos
delivers five original “re-discovered” stories from the 1970s and 1980s. Men’s fiction “discovered” by today’s hottest crime writers. The stories run the gamut from “one man’s war against the mob” to “survival in a post-apocalyptic wasteland.” Two-fisted tales with heroes named the Silencer, the Albino Wino, Bastard Mercenary, and Tiger Team Bravo.

Was it hard to convince other crime writers to get on board? What kind of talent do you have on board?

Surprisingly, most writers jumped at the chance to be a part of the
Blood & Tacos
family. I’m getting submissions from all over the world.

Remember, a lot of established, best-selling authors started their careers writing for the men’s adventure paperbacks of this era. Nelson DeMille (Ryker), Joe Lansdale (Stone: MIA Hunter), Marc Olden (Black Samurai), and Lee Goldberg (.357: Vigilante), just to name a few.

While I’m proud to have veteran writers like Gary Phillips and Ray Banks participating, the opportunity to publish an author for the first time (in the case of Christopher Blair’s story, “Battleground USSA: Texasgrad”) is even more rewarding. I’m also really excited to announce that the new issue will have a story by Stephen Mertz, a writer who actually wrote men’s adventure novels, including Executioner and Stone: MIA Hunter books.

You’ve been very careful not to denigrate the source material, although there’s plenty of room for humor. How do you find a balance between hard-boiled ball-tearers and the more satirical stories?

“Hard-boiled ball-tearers?” Maybe I should get you to write a story. I’m definitely using that in the publicity from now on.

The original stories from the era were so over the top, bordering on or completely sliding into self-parody, that it would be difficult to do anything more outrageous than what was written in, say, the Penetrator series. That gives our writers a lot of latitude. They can play it straight. They can go broad. I leave that choice up to them.

We’ve always described the aesthetic of the stories as “ridiculously awesome.” When an albino henchmen attacks a mustachioed hero with a spear gun. That kind of thing. That’s what we’re going for. It’s about big, harmless fun.

They’re definitely very cinematic stories. I know you can’t speak for the other writers, but what’s your process to get into the headspace of Brace Godfrey?

Writing as Brace Godfrey is a blast. I’ve created a character that I write through rather than about. And he’s a real piece of work.

I see Brace as a reformer, although limited by a narrow worldview. I really like the idea of a writer that wants to be the first person to feature a Hispanic hero or a tough female heroine but, when he does so, incorporates all the worst stereotypes and caricatures in his portrayal. The opportunities for humor and satire are broad.

That was essentially the heart of blaxploitation and characters like John Shaft in the 1970s. Black heroes had finally arrived, but they were all pimps and players. And it’s not like things have changed much. It’s still happening with Asians. There might be stories with Asian heroes, but I can count on my left hand the number of non–martial artists out there.

You’ve recently released your first novel,
Dove Season
, which certainly testifies to your authority in the crime fiction genre. How did you get started, and what are your influences?

I started as a screenwriter and playwright but over time grew more and more intrigued by fiction. I was so intimidated by writing a novel that when I wrote
Dove Season
, I didn’t tell anyone—including my wife—that I was writing it until I was 100 pages in and confident that I would finish. Since the publication of
Dove Season
, exciting things just keep happening. In fact, my new novel,
Big Maria
, comes out in September.

I have always been drawn to writers that play with tone. Writers that are hard-boiled and comfortable in the shadows but can shift to humor just as quickly. Off the top of my head, writers like James Crumley, Charles Willeford, Jonathan Latimer, and Chester Himes really showed me that realistic crime stories didn’t have to be humorless.

How far can you see
Blood & Tacos
going? Where would you like it to?

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention my partners-in-crime. Pete Allen, the publisher of
Blood & Tacos
and the mastermind behind Creative Guy Publishing, has given me incredible creative control that borders on irresponsibility.

Also, my wife Roxanne Patruznick, who continues to do me the enormous favor of volunteering her incredible talent by supplying the original covers for each issue. How many magazines get original oil paintings for their covers? Honestly, they’re the best part.

Right now, we’re concentrating on putting out a solid issue every three months. But don’t worry, we’ve got big plans.

Look for a Blood & Tacos book imprint in 2013. Pete and I are still working out the details, but at the very least we should have the year one annual (collecting all the stories from the first four issues) and a Chingón novella in print in the first half of next year. After that, our plan is to open it up to the authors to write novellas for their characters, stand-alone stories that deliver ungodly amounts of ridiculous awesomeness.

Could you reveal your favorite three-shot?

No question about it: Swamp Master by Jake Spencer.

Here’s the promotional copy from the cover of
Swamp Master #2: Hell on Earth:
“Mutants and killers rule a devastated land. One man defies them. In Post-Nuke America, Mutant Death Squads terrorize the masses of Occupied Florida. Now mindless killer drones are infiltrating the coast from a floating fortress manned by neo-Nazi stormtroopers. These assassins are wired to kill and willing to die—and only one man dares to take them on. Swamp Master.” Are you kidding me? Talk about ridiculously awesome.

Bonus: what’s the perfect soundtrack for reading an issue of
Blood & Tacos
?

“The Big Payback” by James Brown, Survivor’s “Eye of the Tiger,” and the theme to The A-Team playing simultaneously at full volume.

By C.W. “Pops” McEwen

(discovered by Chris La Tray)

C.W. “Pops” McEwen is the pseudonym for the authors Rory and Roisin McGarrity, a married couple. While squatting as members of the Cherish Wind Commune on the Northern Cheyenne Indian Reservation, they became fascinated with Native American culture, though fearful of the Cheyenne people. So rather than talk and interact with any of the natives, they chose to write about them safely from afar.

For the sake of authenticity and to establish the existence of “Pops,” the couple used a photo of Andy Devine taken on his deathbed.

This first installment in the Blood & Sweetgrass series from 1976 began a franchise that would last for over twenty adventures. CHRIS LA TRAY stole this book from his uncle’s bookshelf, replacing it with a library sale copy of
Journey to Ixtlan
with the spine turned inward.