(Blue Notes 2)The Melody Thief (33 page)

“I would be too.”

“Yeah?”

Massimo nodded. “If you or Papà died, I’d be very sad.” Massimo hugged Cary so he fell backward onto the grass, chuckling. “I love you, Cary Papà. You’re my papà too.”

And what
, thought Cary,
could you possibly say to that?
Oh, except “I love you too, Stinker.”

B
ACK at the hotel later—Antonio had booked a suite and had Cary’s things moved into it—they ordered room service for dinner. Afterward, Cary and Antonio sat on the couch while Massimo watched something on Cartoon Network.

“I’m so sorry you couldn’t reach me. I tried to call you as soon as I got your message, but you must have already been on the plane.”

“It’s okay. Really. In a way, it was a good thing I couldn’t reach you.”

Antonio looked surprised.

“It’s not a good thing that I couldn’t talk to you then,” Cary explained, “but it did force me to take charge of it on my own. Without your help. I needed to do it myself, and I know I wouldn’t have realized it at the time.”

Antonio flashed Cary a knowing smile.

“What?”

“You’ve changed since I met you, that’s all.”

“No kidding.”

Let me see… from back-alley fucks to—what?—married life?

It was difficult to comprehend sometimes. Connor Taylor seemed like a bad movie.

“How are you doing?”

“I’m okay. Sad, but okay.” He inhaled slowly as he gathered his thoughts. He was more than just sad, although he wasn’t sure what else he felt. Whatever feelings his father’s death had stirred in him, he would need time to sort through them. “I’m lucky that I had a second chance with him. And more than that—I had a second chance with my mom too.”

“Your mom?”

“Yeah. It wasn’t just the box of clippings. My dad helped me see her differently. I realized she was like the rest of us—doing the best she could for me and Justin.” It had been something of a revelation, an epiphany of sorts, at his father’s grave.

“You’re not angry with her anymore?”

“No. Well, yes, maybe I still am. I’m not sure.”

Cary shifted on the couch and ran a hand through his hair. It made him uncomfortable to realize that as angry as he had been that she hadn’t understood
him
, years before, he hadn’t tried to understand
her
until now, ten years after her death. Uncomfortable and sick at heart. For the first time, he was mourning
her
death.

“She still loved him,” Cary added after a few minutes. “At the end. Even after everything. It’s why she wanted him to have that box. She just couldn’t tell him she loved him.”

She couldn’t tell me, either.

Antonio leaned over and kissed Cary on the lips. The unspoken meaning of the gesture was clear, but Antonio made a point of saying it aloud.

“I love you, Cary.”

“Why haven’t you had another child with Francesca and Marissa?” Cary asked later that night. The question had been dogging him for days now, since his conversation with Massimo over the movie—when had that been?—less than a week before. Strange, how time had seemed to run so slowly since the news of his father’s death.

“Why do you ask?”

“Just curious. Massi said something to me the other night about wanting a little brother or sister.”

Antonio chuckled. “Francesca asked me about it about a year before I met you. I just thought it was too much. I was working a lot, and it was hard enough just to find time to spend with Massi. I wanted to be a father to any new child the same way I’m a father to Massi, not just a sperm donor.”

“And now?”

Cary could read the surprise in Antonio’s face. Surprise, and something else—curiosity, perhaps? Hope, even?

“And now…. Why do you ask?”

“I’ve been thinking about things, I guess. How I like being a parent to Massi. Maybe I’m not as bad at it as I thought.”

Did I just say that?

“You’re a wonderful parent. You just don’t see it.”

“It’s not like I had the greatest role models, though.”

“Maybe not. But you’re not your parents, Cary.”

“I know.”

“So you want to have a child?”

Cary pulled away and shook his head. “Wait a minute. I never said
I
wanted to have a child. Just that I’ve been thinking about being a parent.”

“How is it that different? Thinking about it and wanting it?”

“I don’t know.”

“Think about it, then.”

“Okay,” Cary said, feeling a bit overwhelmed. “I-I’ll think about it.”

Holy crap. Is this really me?
But he hadn’t really needed to ask the question, had he? He had known the answer long before. He
had
changed. And now, more than ever, he was oh so grateful for it.

He did more than rescue you on that Milan street. He saved your fucked-up life.

Chapter 30

A
CCEPTANCE
S
PEECHES

T
HE sound of a siren pierced the quiet of early morning, the bedroom window cracked open to the unseasonably warm weather. Cary awoke and realized that Antonio wasn’t in bed next to him, and glanced at the clock—3:00 a.m. He had returned late from his gig in Rome and slid in beside Antonio without waking him.

Strange.
It wasn’t like Antonio to be up in the middle of the night. Not normally, at least. But then, nothing had been normal since Francesca had gone to England to interview for the gallery job a week before.

Francesca had returned from London full of hopeful enthusiasm. The gallery was small, but the money would be good enough for her and Marissa to buy an apartment in a nearby neighborhood. Massimo would have his own room. If she took the job—and last Cary had heard, she was still waiting to hear back from the gallery owner—Massi would be making regular trips back to Milan, and Antonio would be flying to London every other week to spend the weekend.

David Somers, who Cary decided really
was
richer than God, had volunteered his London apartment for whenever Cary and Antonio were in town. They would both go for visits, as long as Cary’s performing schedule permitted, something Antonio had been more than pleased about.

And yet with all of the plans, both Antonio and Cary had been on edge. That Cary would be leaving for the Grammy Awards in less than two weeks only made it worse, for both of them. Cary struggled with the guilt of leaving Antonio, knowing what he might be going through if Francesca got the job, and Antonio, who’d originally planned on accompanying Cary, had decided to stay home instead to help Massi with the transition.

She hasn’t gotten the offer yet
, Cary reminded himself as he stared out the window. He slipped out of bed and pulled on a pair of sweats, then walked out into the living room.

Antonio was seated on the couch, his face in his hands. The realization that he was crying frightened Cary more than he could say. Had Francesca heard something?

“I missed you.” He wrapped his arms around Antonio, holding his breath, afraid to ask.

“I’m glad you’re home.” Antonio turned his head into the crook of Cary’s neck and sighed.

“Did Francesca hear?” Cary could barely speak the words.

“Yes.”

Oh God.

“She got the job, didn’t she?” Cary asked.

Antonio nodded silently.

Cary fought back tears of his own.

I need to be strong. For him and Massi.

“I’m so sorry, Tonino.”

Antonio pulled out of Cary’s embrace and looked at him, his eyes red, the dark circles of worry underneath more pronounced than they had been even the day before.

“No, caro,” he said. Cary saw a glimmer of something in those eyes. Something he didn’t understand.

“What?” Cary pressed. “She’s leaving, isn’t she?” He was losing the battle with his own tears now, but he didn’t care.

“No.” Antonio’s voice was an undertone. “She’s not.”

“She… she’s
staying
? Here? But you said she got the job. I don’t understand.”

Antonio took Cary’s face in his hands and brushed the tear tracks away with his big thumbs. “She decided not to take the job.” He smiled a tentative, hopeful smile.

“She’s not….” Cary’s mind refused to make the connection.

“She’s staying. She decided she doesn’t want to leave Italy. She doesn’t want to leave Milan. She says she can’t take him away from us.”

“She’s staying.” It wasn’t a question this time. “But if she’s staying, why are you crying?”

Antonio’s smile deepened, even through his tears. “Because I’m happy.” He must have realized that it sounded strange, because he laughed outright. “And I’m scared too.”

“Scared? Why are you scared?”

“Because I don’t know what I would have done. I don’t think I could have….” Antonio’s voice trailed off, and his tears began anew.

“Shhh. Tonino. Mio caro. You would have been fine.
We
would have been fine.” And in that moment, Cary
knew
it was true. They would be fine. Together, they would be fine.

When they were back in bed a few minutes later, Cary leaned over to kiss Antonio. “I love you, Tonino,” he whispered as he ghosted his lips over Antonio’s jaw.

Antonio was quiet as Cary drew back the covers and kissed a line down Antonio’s neck. Cary pulled Antonio’s T-shirt over his head, tossed it off the bed, and covered Antonio’s bare chest with slow and sensual kisses.

Cary met Antonio’s gaze. The raw emotions were still visible in Antonio’s eyes. “I love you,” Cary repeated, then took a pink nipple between his lips, tasting it and sucking until he felt Antonio’s breath hitch.

Antonio’s skin reflected the light from outside, and Cary marveled at the softness of it. He pressed his tongue down so he could trace the hard muscle beneath the warm flesh, then flicked his tongue about until Antonio let out a soft, shuddered sigh.

“I love you,” Cary whispered again. “I love how you taste. How you feel.”

He pulled off Antonio’s pajama bottoms and, for a moment, just studied his lover’s body.
He’s so beautiful.
Cary took in the smooth skin, the muscled arms that felt so
damn
good clasped around him, the rugged jaw and the strong profile.

“I love you.” Cary rolled Antonio over. Starting at his shoulders, Cary nipped, licked, and sucked, pausing from time to time to step back and admire his handiwork: the smooth skin had tiny marks he knew would be gone in the morning. Antonio groaned.

Cary smiled. He had grown to relish taking time to enjoy the feel of his lover’s body beneath his hands and lips.

“I love you,” he said again. This time he pressed his hands against Antonio’s lower back, then kneaded the muscular ass. He moved downward, trailing his thumbs in the folds between buttocks and thighs, turning his hands inward so he brushed Antonio’s sac ever so slightly.

“Caro.” Antonio’s voice was rough with need. “
Per favore
….”

Cary ignored this but continued his way all the way to Antonio’s feet, which he massaged and licked until Antonio growled and turned around to pin Cary to the bed. Cary just grinned. He loved to push the usually patient Antonio until he lost control. This time, however, Antonio lubed up his fingers and stroked Cary’s cock until it stood at attention.

“I thought I’d try another variation on your fucking me into the sheets,” Antonio said as he lowered himself onto Cary.

“Oh fuck.” Cary hissed as the heat of Antonio’s body opened to him. The look on Antonio’s face was one of pain and pleasure.

Cary reached up to grasp Antonio’s waist, but Antonio just laughed and grabbed Cary’s wrists, forcing them up over the pillow. He continued to hold on to Cary with one hand as he steadied himself with the other and moved up and down on Cary’s shaft.

“Oh God… Tonino… you’re wicked….”

“Tell me again, caro. Tell me you love me.”

“I love you. What you do to me. How good you feel.”

“Tell me you want me.”

Cary swallowed hard, and tears burned in his eyes. “I want you. All of you. For as long as you’ll have me.”

“Forever?”

“Forever. Only you.
Sempre
.”

Antonio’s face lit up with the words, and he pulled Cary up off the bed. His hands now free, Cary took Antonio’s cock in his hand and stroked him in time with Antonio’s movements.

“
Ti amo
, caro,” Antonio said as Cary’s body tensed with impending orgasm. “
Ti voglio
.
Sempre
.
Sempre
, caro.”

Cary cried out as he came, clutching at Antonio’s arms as his body shook and shuddered. Antonio came with Cary’s name on his lips, spurting onto Cary’s skin. Cary collapsed back onto the bed, and Antonio followed, clasping Cary against him and continuing to whisper his name.

“I love you, Tonino. Forever.”

As the sun began to light the morning sky, Antonio’s head lay against Cary’s chest.

“What are you thinking?” Antonio asked.