Bonds of Desire (21 page)

Chapter Twenty-Five

The summer heat rippled over Tyler, the humidity pressing down on him like a physical force. The dank confines of his studio apartment acted like an oven, cooking the contents to a blistering level. The lone window was wide open, but the lame breeze couldn’t collect enough force to break through the thick mugginess.

August was stuck in a heat wave that pushed everyone into air-conditioned sanctuaries and left the unlucky shits like him sweltering in their fucking walk-ups. He should move his ass and find somewhere to go. Even a mall would offer relief for a while. But he couldn’t muster the energy.

Truth was, he hadn’t done much of anything since his fuck-fest with Seth and Allie. And yeah, he had to make it crude—otherwise it cut too deep. When he’d first left, the anger and hurt had burned hot and hard, but the initial sting had eventually faded to leave behind an empty lethargy.

What did he do now?

A part of him kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. Someone was bound to show and tell him it was all a dream or that Seth had reneged on his offer. Life didn’t hand Tyler golden tickets like that. Hell, it usually gave him a handful of shit. Now that he would trust.

His chuckle sounded hollow and wrong as it clawed through the air. Maybe he was going nuts. Maybe he already was. Shit. He scrubbed a hand over his face, his palm catching on the patches of stubble that had managed to grow in sparse defiance of his baby-faced image. Give it another week or two, and he might have enough growth to call it a beard. A lame one, but hell, he had to claim what he could.

Damn. Why’d he have to think of that word? Claim. He rubbed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose willing the thoughts to go away. There was a huge part of him that wanted to run back and claim everything he’d stubbornly, stupidly walked away from. Seth and Allie. The three of them. But it was too late now.

They’d both texted and called—not that he’d responded. The betrayal was still too fresh. If they’d only talked to him first. Then maybe...

And where did maybes get you?
Fucking nowhere.

His father’s deep laughter tumbled through his mind, taunting him with memories that wouldn’t fade.
You’re nothing
,
boy.
Why in fuck would they keep a worthless shit like you?
Because he’d never felt worthless with them. Damn. He pounded his fist into the mattress, the dull
thump
doing little to help.

The bedframe creaked in protest as he rolled over and forced himself to sit up. Christ, even the linoleum was hot under his feet. Unbelievable. A bead of sweat made a slow path down the side of his face and he brushed it away, knowing another would soon follow.

Wiping his damp fingers on his cutoffs, he picked up the crumpled business card from the side table. It was far past worn, but he could still make out the name and number of one Dr. Drey Brown, the therapist the ER doctor had recommended. He’d found the card stuffed inside his bag and assumed Seth had put it there. Evidently, he was trying to tell him something.

Or he was trying to help. Again. A part of Tyler got that, even accepted it at some level.

The card made a soft
thwack
when he flicked it with his fingers. He should toss the damn thing. Yeah, he’d been thinking that every day since he’d returned to his apartment.

He picked up his phone and quickly punched in the numbers. This wasn’t the first time he’d done this, but it was the first time he waited long enough to hear the pleasant voice on the other end asking if she could help him. Could she? Only one way to find out.

He cleared his throat. “Yeah. I’d like to make an appointment.”

He squeezed his eyes closed and fisted his hand in his bangs. The damn queasiness in his stomach had to be from the heat. That was it. Minutes later he had his name on a schedule to meet with the lovely doctor. He watched his phone fade to black and wished his mind would do the same thing.

He rubbed his hand over the back of his neck, seeking the touch he missed more than anything. As long has Seth’s hand had been on his neck, he’d known he belonged somewhere.

The sharp rap at Tyler’s door made him jump and sent an instant flash of fear through him. Fuck. Nobody came to the dive he called home. It wasn’t like he had a boatload of friends dropping by. His job had pretty much killed that.

“Who is it?” he called out, looking around for his baseball bat. Spotting it beside the bed, he shoved his phone in his pocket, picked up the bat and edged toward the door.

“It’s Carter,” the voice yelled through the door. “Open up.”

“Are you alone?”

“Yes.”

The tight ball of nerves eased a bit. The man might be loosely classified as friend, but he was still tied to the agency. Tyler had been waiting the last four weeks for either the agency or the loan shark to show up and prove Seth a liar. But neither had.

He kept the bat in his grip as he released the locks and cracked the door open. He waited a second before peeking through the small opening to see Carter standing by himself in the dingy hallway.

“Are you going to let me in?”

Tyler shook his head at his own foolishness. “Sure.” He stepped aside. “Why are you here?”

Carter made a quick survey of the small apartment before turning back to Tyler. His gaze fell to the bat still clenched in Tyler’s fist. “You plan on using that on me?” The wry tone of his voice matched the lightness playing in his eyes.

“Do I need to?” Tyler lifted the bat, only half joking. He still wasn’t sure why Carter was there.

“I’m not here for the agency, if that’s what you’re wondering.”

Carter was the one who’d recruited him over a year ago. It’d been a huge step up off the street, which made him a bit indebted to the guy. Not everyone would understand that, but Carter had always been decent to Tyler and had shared the tips and trick of the professional trade when he’d first signed on.

“Then why are you here?” Tyler set the bat down but didn’t allow himself to completely relax.

Carter wandered over to the open window. A single fan whirled away in the corner, the slow rotation giving intermittent seconds of relief to those in its path. Dressed in a tight V-neck T-shirt and khaki shorts, Carter still managed to look sexy in the heat. Something Tyler doubted he achieved, given the state of his grungy, sweat-stained tank and cutoffs.

The term tall, dark and handsome was made for Carter. His black hair had enough length for a man to grab but still remained stylish for a high-end night on the town. Tyler knew he had that opportunity more often than not. Carter had been with the agency for years and had earned his way to the top of the pay list. He only worked with the elite at this point. Lucky fucker.

He turned away from the window to level his stunning blue eyes at Tyler. When he’d first met Carter, he’d bet that the deep, crystal-blue color were from contacts. He’d lost that bet.

“Word on the street is a sugar daddy bought you out.” Carter arched a brow and made another pointed look around. “Not that he’s sharing any of his cash with you. What the hell have you been doing with all your money?”

Tyler’s defenses kicked in. “None of your business.”

“Yeah. Whatever.” Carter shrugged in dismissal then moved to the tiny refrigerator, completely at ease. “Got a beer in here?”

“I don’t drink.” Not a drop. No way was he taking after his dad in any way.

He opened the door anyway and stooped to peer inside. He glanced at Tyler. “Mind if I grab a water? It’s hot as hell in here.”

“Sure. Grab me one too.” Tyler blew out a long, slow breath and tried to relax. He took the cold bottle from Carter and pressed the icy goodness to his temple. “Damn. That feels good.”

Carter settled his hip against the small kitchen counter and eyed Tyler. “Is it true?”

“Why do you want to know?”

He sighed and set the bottle down. “Look. We can play this word game all day. But what’s the point? I came here in case you needed someone to talk to. That’s all. If you’re good, I’ll hit the road.” He pushed away from the counter and headed for the door.

“Wait.” The word came out sounding a bit too desperate. “I mean, sorry.” Christ. He ran a hand through his sweat-damp hair and then wished he hadn’t. He tucked the wet hand in his pocket. “Thanks for coming by.”

Carter narrowed his eyes and studied Tyler. “So it’s true.”

The shame creep up his neck in a heated wave, and Tyler couldn’t look at him. “It’s not like that.” Even if it still felt like he’d been bought and paid for, he finally understood what Seth had been trying to do. And for some reason, he couldn’t let Carter think badly of the man.

“Then what’s it like?”

Tyler took a sip of the water, stalling for time. “He didn’t tell me he was doing it. I didn’t know.”

“So, what?” Carter stepped back to grab his water. “This guy was just being nice?”

“Yeah,” Tyler said, his throat dry despite the near-empty bottle in his hand. “Something like that.”

“Let me guess. Now you don’t know what to do with your sudden good fortune. Right?”

The low scoff sounded as pathetic as Tyler felt. “Yeah. Something like that.”

“It’s not unheard of, you know.” Carter waited until Tyler looked up. “The being-nice part.”

Tyler gave him a half smile. “I know.”

“So this guy. He didn’t want anything in return?” That brow when up again. “No strings or promises from you?”

Tyler made the short trip to the recycling bin to toss the empty bottle in. “Nope. Not that he’s said.”

Tyler jerked around at Carter’s low whistle. “That’s a pretty sweet deal. The guy must care about you.”

Yeah. Maybe Seth did care. Why else would the man have done all he had if he didn’t? Allie too. “Maybe. But now what? I’m not going to fucking live off him like a worthless schmuck. And what do I have to offer beside a good fuck?”

“The conundrum of the whore,” Carter said before taking a seat in the one worn chair in the corner. Tyler had dragged the green eyesore off the curb when he’d first moved in. “You don’t want to fuck for money, but if you don’t fuck for money, how will you make money?”

He sat on the edge of his bed, the only other seat in the room, and fiddled with a loose thread hanging from the frayed edge of his cutoffs.

“I take it you’ve never had a traditional job?”

Tyler tugged on the thread, the tiny string snapping under the force. “Some. But they never paid enough to cover the debts and bills.”

The quiet lengthened, the whirl of the fan ringing off with a click as it reach the end of each arc.

Carter shifted forward. “Can I ask you something?”

The defenses came roaring back, but Tyler shoved them aside. “Shoot.”

“Do you
want
to go back to being an escort?”

“No.” The instant denial shot out of Tyler to leave a gaping hole of silence in the room. He picked at another string, tugging the thread free with a violent jerk.

“Then what do you want to do?”

“Shit.” Tyler stood and stalked to the window. The entire three steps it took to get there. He leaned against the frame, his palms cutting into the hard edge. “I don’t know. I’ve never had a choice before.”

“And there’s the problem. It can be damn scary to get what you want.”

Tyler stared out the window, the view of the brick building across the way providing little to distract him. “What do you want?” He asked the question as a diversion, but he was also curious. “Couldn’t you get out if you wanted?”

“I got what I want.” He met Tyler’s gaze when he turned to see if the man was telling the truth. “I’m a whore and I don’t have a problem with that. I can do two or three gigs a month and have enough money and time for my hobby. I’m good with that.”

Curiosity spiked, Tyler asked, “What’s your hobby?”

The smile that grew over his lips was one hundred percent genuine. “Photography.” He rubbed his nose and looked down. “Do you have one?”

“A hobby?” Tyler thought about it. “No. But I like to cook.”

“Then start there.” Carter picked up his bottle and took it to the recycling bin. “Find a job in a kitchen. Restaurants always need help. Do what you enjoy for once.”

Tyler didn’t respond. Carter made it seem so easy when nothing in life was ever like that.

“Can I ask you one more question?” Carter was standing by the door now, hand poised on the nob. Tyler nodded. “The guy who paid out your contract. Do you like him?”

When worded that plainly, the answer was simple. “Yes.”

“Then don’t hold it against him. Life’s too short.” He opened the door and flashed a smile. “And fucking shave, man. That preteen scuff looks like shit.”

Tyler rubbed his cheek and laughed. “What? It doesn’t do anything for you?” He wiggled his brows and shot Carter a leer.

He rolled his eyes. “Not even close. You think I want to look at my little brother when I fuck?” He rubbed his own cheek, which was as smooth as a child’s. “I’ll take a good, manly scruff any day.”

“True,” Tyler said around a chuckle. Man, he hadn’t laughed since he’d left Allie and Seth. It felt good. Carter turned to leave, and suddenly Tyler didn’t want him to go. “Hey,” he called out. “Thanks.”

Carter tipped his head. “No problem. You still got my number, right?” Tyler grabbed his phone and read off the number he had for Carter. “That’s it. Call if you need anything. Even to talk. I’ve seen a lot of men come and go from the business. Doesn’t mean we can’t be friends.”

Tyler swallowed to relieve the tightness in his throat. “I will.”

The door closed with a soft
click
, leaving him alone once again. The fan whirled in the corner, a car horn echoed up from the street below, a bead of sweat made another trail down the side of his temple and he stood there. Alone.

He stared down at his phone in his hand and finally understood one very important thing. He didn’t have to be alone. Not anymore. And he didn’t want to be.

Chapter Twenty-Six

The thin little line blinked in perpetual insistence on Allie’s computer screen, the tiny mark urging her to work. But her mind was a big blank. She’d read and reread the same paragraph of the legal brief multiple times and still had no clue if she needed to edit any of it.

Crap.
She sighed and pushed away from the desk. It was pointless to pretend she was working. She spun the chair around to stare out the large window in her office. After years of toiling in the cubical farm then moving to the small inner offices, she’d finally gotten a coveted window office. A symbol of success that went with the upgrade in responsibility, expectations and stress.

The buzz of her intercom jolted her out of her thoughts and almost her chair. It’d be a while before she got used to having an assistant. She blew out a breath and spun around to press the intercom button. “Yes, Jenna?”

“There’s a Mr. Seth Mathews here to see you,” her admin said. “He doesn’t have an appointment.”

She couldn’t breathe to answer. Seth was here. To see her. Why? Her first thought was Tyler. Something happened. A sick dread flushed her skin and churned her stomach.

“Ms. English?”

She shot out of her chair and rushed across the office before she could think better of it. The big wooden door opened with barely a squeak, yet both of the people outside her door turned to stare. Jenna’s eyes went wide as she put the phone down. But Allie barely noticed. Her attention was glued to Seth.

A smile curved over his lips, a slow-moving action that traveled to his eyes and nailed her heart. His hair was down, the golden-brown locks shining in the florescent office light. He looked comfortable but nice in the black polo and slacks, and she ate up every inch of him.

“Allie.” The sound of her name on his lips brought back all the times she’d heard it breathed, groaned, murmured... “You look good.”

With effort, she pulled in her control and resisted the urge to run a smoothing hand over her suit. She pasted on a smile. “Thank you. I’m surprised to see you here.”

He took a step closer. “Do you have time to talk?”

On closer inspection, she noticed all the things she’d missed in her first hurried glance. His shirt hung on him just a bit as if he’d lost weight. His cheekbones appeared sharper, and dark circles ringed the hollow groove that stood out under tired eyes.

“Of course.” She stepped aside to let him into her office. “Hold my calls, Jenna.”

She shut the door and was engulfed in Seth’s embrace.
Oh
,
my God.
If felt so good. He felt so good. She held on tight before sanity forced her to step back. She wanted to stay in his arms, but logic said she couldn’t.

Moving away, she took one last inhale to savor his scent. “What do you want, Seth?” She didn’t mean to come across so curt. However, she had to keep her distance. “Did something happen with Tyler?” Her heart hitched at the possibility and she picked up her phone to check for a text or message. Nothing.

“I don’t know.” Seth scanned her office. “I still haven’t heard from him.”

“Oh.” The admission that Tyler was still blowing them both off didn’t make her feel better. “I haven’t either.”

She moved behind her large wooden desk, using the obstacle as a barrier. The silence grew agonizingly long as he stared at the framed documents proclaiming her right to practice law. There were so many things she wanted to ask him, but she held them back.

“You made partner?” He turned his head to look at her, a smile playing on his lips. “When?”

“A few weeks ago.”

“Congratulations.” His voice had a level of pride in it that made her flush. It wasn’t fair that his single word of acknowledgment meant more than all of the other praise and compliments she’d received. Her parents had been appropriately congratulatory then ended the conversation with, “So how are you going to manage a marriage and children working that kind of a job?” Her buzz of accomplishment had instantly died.

“Thank you.”

His eyes narrowed. “I thought you wanted that.”

“I did. Do,” she insisted.

“Hmmm.”

The noncommittal sound said more than words. He didn’t believe her. Her spine straightened and she leaned forward, prepared to defend herself before it clicked in—she didn’t have to defend anything to him. They weren’t in a relationship and his opinion shouldn’t matter. She slumped back in her chair. “Why are you here, Seth?

He looked back to the wall of accolades, his gaze traveling over each one, but she doubted he actually saw any of them. “Do you think I did the right thing? With Tyler?”

“I thought we went over that.” She studied him, concern returning. “Where’s this coming from?”

He closed his eyes and took a long breath. “I think I really messed up this time.” His voice was so low that she had to lean forward to hear him.

“What do you mean?”

Seth shook his head and the next second threw his shoulders back, lifted his chin and strode toward her. “Can you look at a contract for me?” He stood in front of her desk, the previous moment of vulnerability gone.

She did a quick mental scramble and tried to keep up with him. “To what extent? Do you need legal advice?”

“Nothing formal. This is strictly off the books.” He extracted a folded piece of paper from his pocket and flipped it over in his hands a few times then sat in the cushioned visitor’s chair. “I need a second opinion.”

Okay. “Is this personal or business-related?”

His eyes were hooded but insistent. “A bit of both.”

“Why me? I thought the club had a lawyer.”

“We do.” He unfolded the papers and flattened them on his leg.

Given her new position, she technically shouldn’t. Not without signing confidentiality agreements and whatnot. “Tell me what’s going on.”

He laid the papers on the desk then stared at the ground. When he spoke, his voice held a steely edge that was strangely reassuring. “I caught the man who did that to Tyler. He was doing the same thing to another sub.”

“What?” A sickening wave of nausea ached in her throat at what that meant. “I thought you’d banned him from The Den.”

“We did. It was at another club.” He looked up. “I was there for a meeting.”

“And?”

“It was the same as Tyler. He did it again.” His face hardened in almost imperceptible degrees, but the change turned her blood icy. “The arrogant bastard thought he was untouchable. I proved him wrong.”

The fierce ruthlessness of his hard glare sent a jolt of fear through her. There was a part of her that hoped Seth kicked the man’s ass. Anger still burned within her that the bastard had gotten away with what he’d done to Tyler.

“What’d you do, Seth?” A thousand different scenarios rushed through her mind before she halted them all.

He thrust to a stand and paced around her desk to stare out the window. Her heart rate increased with each second it took for him to respond.

“The man has no right calling himself a Dom.” He cut a sharp glance at her. “I sent a copy of the video feed from Tyler’s Scene to every club in the area. I blacked out Tyler’s face but provided the Dom’s identity, along with his club name.”

The breath she didn’t know she was holding eased from her lungs. “You blackballed him. That sounds like a good thing to me. So what’s the problem?”

He pointed to the forgotten papers on her desk. “That’s a copy of the contact that’s signed between The Den and each member. Read it.”

It appeared to be a standard business contract, stating terms and agreements for membership to The Den. At three pages long, it wasn’t extensive but covered the rights and responsibilities of both parties. She found the confidentiality clause on the last page.

Allie read then reread the statement before rereading the entire contract, looking for a loophole. She didn’t find one. The contract clearly stated that The Den would not divulge identities nor share images, names or aliases either verbally or written unless required by law in the case of a criminal investigation.

Legally, Seth had violated the contract.

She set the papers down and studied his profile. His brows were drawn down in tight concentration that matched the thin line of his lips. “Is he threatening a lawsuit?”

“No. That’s too high-profile for him.”

“Who is he, Seth?” She rubbed at the headache forming behind her eyes. “You already broke the contract, so just tell me who we’re dealing with.”

She didn’t think he was going to respond, but finally he faced her. “It’s better if you don’t know.”

Various levels of frustration, disappointment and understanding cascaded within her. Professionally, he was probably right. Personally, it was one more secret that stood between them. She worked to keep her voice level. “Then why are you really here?”

Seth’s steady gaze held hers. “Did I do the wrong thing?”

The question startled her, and she didn’t know how to answer. Standing, she placed her palm on the warm skin of his arm. There, in the depths of his golden-brown eyes, she saw the pain and inner struggle he was battling.

“Ethically, I think you did the right thing. The man who assaulted Tyler should’ve been arrested. You did something to stop him, even if it wasn’t completely within your legal rights.”

He lifted a hand to run the back of his fingers down her cheek. The touch was gentle and reminded her of how he really was. He cared deeply for people but rarely showed it physically. That gesture spoke volumes to her now that she understood his language. “But was it right?”

Her heart ached for him, yet there was nothing she could do or say to ease his mind. “Only you can decide that.”

“To me, it was.”

“Then hold on to that.” She squeezed his arm when she really wanted to throw her arms around him and never let go. “Everything you’ve done has been for the right reasons.”

He glanced over her head and distractedly tucked one of her errant curls behind her ear. “Then the question becomes, does the end justify the means?”

She gave into her urge and looped her arms around his waist to hold him tight. She burrowed her nose into his chest. Damn, he smelled so good. It brought back all of the memories and feelings from their time in the bubble. The ones she’d tried and couldn’t forget. “Do you think he’s okay?”

“I hope so.” His voice had gone low and deep. “Are you?”

Was she? On the surface, yes. But below that, everything was fractured and crumbling. “Yeah.”

His chuckle rumbled through his chest. “Right. Me, too.” He undid the clip binding the curls at her nape and speared his fingers through her hair to cup the back of her head. “I’m sorry, Allie.”

“For what?”

“This all went so wrong.” He smoothed his cheek over the top of her hair. She tried to look at him, but he held her head firm and wouldn’t let her move. “I never meant to hurt anyone.”

“I know that. No one did.”

“But it still happened.” He loosed his hold and stepped away, his fingers trailing out of her hair in a slow slide that sent goose bumps down her back. He cupped her face and tilted it up to give her a soft kiss. His lips rested lightly against hers for a heartbeat that last for eternity. She clenched his wrist and wanted to hang on to everything they’d thrown away. “I’m sorry,” he whispered over her lips.

No
, she wanted to demand.
Don’t go
. But she didn’t say a word when he grabbed the contract off her desk and walked out her office. Her heart constricted, the ache returning to stretch across her chest as she stared at the closed door. Was this how Seth had felt when they’d both walked out on him?

She sunk into her chair and spun it around to stare out the big glass window. She blinked then squeezed her eyes closed to hold back the tears that wanted to fall. There was no point—none—in letting them out. They wouldn’t change a thing.

There was nothing she could do to change any of it. Not without risking everything. Even if she did, there was no guarantee that it would work out. And then where would she be?

Alone. Just like she was now.