Book Lover, The (30 page)

                            
32

A
S LUCY WALKED OVER TO COLIN’S, fireflies began magically lifting from the grass while flickers of heat lightning lit up the mountains. She stood a moment in the soft night air and thought:
is there anything more beautiful than this?
Then she climbed the ramp, the bowl in her hands, a bottle of wine and the strawberries and ice cream in a bag hanging from her wrist. She knocked on his screen and heard him yell come in.

Both the bedroom and bathroom doors were closed, and the room was so quiet she got busy, turning the oven on warm and sliding the bowl of pasta inside. Then she set the table and opened the bottle of wine. She tried to make noise, wanting to give him some privacy. Finally, she poured a glass of wine and went out on the deck. It was close to nine and the sky was dark, swirling with heavy gray clouds. Above the distant mountains the heat lightning continued, illuminating the lake, the island far out in the cove, and even the distant shore and the peaks of houses nestled in the trees.

She thought about the trip tomorrow. It would be strange to see David after all this time. She knew it would be a deeply emotional meeting. They’d been living separate lives for months now, something that once seemed unfathomable. She wasn’t sure exactly what he wanted to say. And of course, he had no idea what she was about to tell him. It would be the supreme irony if it turned out that she could forgive him, and he wouldn’t be able to forgive her.

But she didn’t want to think about that right now. Here in this beautiful place she felt herself becoming stronger than she’d been in years. Certainly since the loss of Ben. She was living her dream of being a writer—even if it was only on her terms. Was it odd that she’d been in this place only four months yet felt so at home here? She remembered that first terrified night in the cabin, and couldn’t help smiling. But part of her also wondered if she wasn’t existing in a sort of limbo, a place apart from the real world. And maybe that’s what she really liked. Because there were times it felt as though it was a fairy tale, living in this enchanted place.

A sudden crack of thunder broke the quiet, louder and closer than before. Even the insects and night creatures were silent now, as if waiting for the rain to finally arrive. Her thoughts turned to Colin and their unlikely friendship. He was like no man she’d ever met. Despite his handicap, he oozed a quiet confidence and strength. He also had a wonderful, often self-deprecating, sense of humor. Perhaps the most unexpected thing about him was that he was sexy. The realization startled her. Was she crazy? Lonely? No, it was his confidence and easy manner. And of course his looks, despite the wheelchair.

Just then the screen slid open and she turned to see Colin in the doorway, sitting in his wheelchair, wearing a pair of soft, faded jeans and a black t-shirt.

“Sorry to keep you waiting so long. It’s probably the biggest frustration of…this.” He waved a hand at his legs and the chair. “Everything takes so long.”

“It’s no big deal. I was standing here enjoying the view.”

He came out onto the deck and stopped, looking up at her for a long moment, without smiling. “The other thing that’s frustrating is when I’m with someone for a while and have to keep looking up at them. Imagine staring at the ceiling for more than five minutes. Your neck starts to ache.”

“Oh…I’m sorry,” she said, realizing what he was getting at. How had that never occurred to her? She grabbed a chair and sat, turning to him. They were now at eye level.

“Shit,” he whispered, rubbing his face with his hands. “I’m sorry, Lucy. I’m being a cranky pain in the ass.”

“No, you’re not. I’ve been thoughtless.”

He took her wrist and held it tightly, looking right in her eyes. “Yes, I am. I have no business taking my frustrations out on you.”

“Well…I guess that makes us good friends, then. Because who else can you do that to and get away with it, huh?”

“You can do that with another soldier.” After a moment he finally smiled. “Come on, let’s get that dinner. Hopefully it isn’t petrified by now.”

He seemed tired from the memorial and the gathering afterward, so she talked a lot while they ate, filling the silences with chatter about The Raptor Center and Kit.

“I still haven’t figured out what I’m doing there. I just…I find the place amazing. The birds are beautiful and…innocent. Does that sound silly? I mean most of them are predators.”

He nodded, then sipped his wine. “That’s kind of what happened to me in the beginning. I had no idea what I was looking for. Something about the place, though, was calling out to me.” He tilted his head and stared at the table. “After all my time in Iraq, all that devastation day in and day out, I think it was what I needed.”

“I can imagine.” She hesitated, then asked, “Is it hard for you to talk about?”

He shrugged. “Yes and no. Being so far away from it now, for so long, it’s sometimes hard to believe it all really happened. But I like to remember, to talk about it sometimes, because it was such a part of who I was.”

“I’d be happy to listen.”

He smiled, then looked across the room for a moment, as if gathering his thoughts.

“I loved being a soldier. And I loved my men.” And then he gave a little laugh. “And women, although I only had a handful of female soldiers over the years. I was a sergeant and my men trusted me. Losing one was always the hardest thing.…” He shook his head, with a sad smile.

She didn’t know what to say, so remained silent.

“I was ordered back to Baghdad for the surge. Our unit’s job was to clear neighborhoods of any kind of threats, making things secure so that one day the Iraqi people could live in peace. We lived behind blast walls. Ate, slept, peed, played cards, whatever, we did it all behind those blast walls because once you went outside you had no idea where a bomb might be hidden—in a tree, under some garbage, strapped to a person, or the trunk of a car. Anyway, once the surge began, the IEDs just got worse. I saw men and women lose arms, legs, even faces, the explosions destroying their lives without killing them. And everywhere we went there was always this burning, bitter smell that never seemed to go away. And sand…fucking sand everywhere.” He sat there shaking his head. “We were trying to make it safe, but…things were getting worse and they just wanted us gone, you know? Day after day little kids would just watch all this violence and screaming and blood. Or get killed themselves. It was a fucking nightmare. But we did our job, because that’s what soldiers do.”

Of course she’d seen coverage on the news and in the papers, things she often glanced at but might not read because it was so awful. What she saw in Colin’s eyes now made it so much more real.

“Danny’s wife…I mean his ex-wife, she cried her heart out today. I kept thinking that if only he could see how she still loved him.”

“That’s just so sad.”

“I knew how Danny felt. It’s not easy, having a relationship with a woman.”

He looked directly at her then. “Take the usual struggles that exist between a couple and throw in a barrel full of frustrations and complications and…you can just imagine. But worst of all is feeling like the woman has to take care of you, in a way.”

Colin was so strong and independent she couldn’t imagine anyone taking care of him. But then again, everything she knew was surface.

“Still,” he went on, “I think it’s something you just have to learn to deal with if you want to be with someone. And you have to find a woman who can handle it. For the long run.”

She couldn’t help thinking of the beautiful redhead in that moment, Gloryanne. She wondered what had happened with them. Gloryanne hadn’t been around in a long time.

He put his fork down and she saw that his plate was empty.

“How about some more?”

He shook his head. “I’m saving room for dessert.”

She got the strawberries and ice cream while he scraped and stacked the dishes at the table.

“I have an idea for your project,” she said, scooping the ice cream into bowls and covering it with the sliced strawberries. “What if you use the bald eagle?”

He shook his head and started laughing.

“What?”

“You’re a mind reader. I’ve actually been thinking about it, too. One minute it seems perfect, then the next I wonder if the cliché is so obvious it screams at you.”

“No, Colin, the symbolism is gorgeous. The eagle stands for strength, freedom, honor. Everything your wounded vets put their lives on the line for. Isn’t that something you’re hoping they’ll remember? And hopefully bond with?”

He nodded.

“But I wasn’t thinking about using them in one of your typical programs. This would have to be something special, something really powerful.”

“I’m listening.”

“From what you’ve told me, your educational programs, like the story of Lady, take place in one of the classrooms, right, and they bring the bird in?”

“Yes, and it’ll be tethered, just in case it gets nervous.”

“Well, what if you started out in the classroom, but followed up in the field? Releasing the rehabilitated eagle back into the wild?”

Colin looked at her, his head tilted.

“What a powerful metaphor this could be, you know?” She could just picture it, how moving it would be.

“But Kit probably isn’t going to be released. It’s been a few weeks now and he still shows no sign of flying.”

“I know, I thought of that. If you have to, use another bird, but the point is the release. As the eagle, or hawk or owl, soars back into the sky, it would be like the triumph of spirit over body. Like the raptor, these soldiers were injured, then rehabbed, and now going on to a new, although different, life.”

“I’ll have to think about it and talk to Susan some more. Even if it isn’t released, it will have a second life as a teaching bird.”

“It was just a thought.”

“Listen, don’t be so disappointed. I think it’s a great idea, actually. I think Susan told me they’ve only ever released a raptor with an audience once before, for some high-risk teens, so it actually hadn’t even occurred to me. But I heard it made a great impact on the kids.”

They talked about the possibilities until dessert was gone. Then they cleared the dishes together, Colin wheeling back and forth from the table to the sink. They were nearly done and Lucy was rinsing the sponge when she turned and suddenly smacked into him as he was bringing the last dish over.

The dish crashed to the floor and she grabbed the arms of the chair as he rolled backward, fearing he might tip. Their faces were mere inches apart. He took her wrists and held them, looking at her so fiercely she was afraid she’d offended or angered him. But then, still watching her, Colin brought both of her hands to his mouth, brushing her fingers with his lips. She froze. She could do nothing but watch as he pulled her onto his lap, let go of her hands, then turned her face toward him again.

Her heart stilled as his light blue eyes searched her own with such longing that it sent an erotic charge through her middle. Then he closed his eyes, and brought her lips to his, kissing her so softly, so tenderly, she thought she was melting. He held her head, kissing her longer, deeper, and she heard a small whimper break the quiet of the cabin.

It was hers.

                            
33

W
ARWICK HOSPITAL WAS LESS THAN A MILE from Main Street. Ruth could have walked there from the store in ten minutes. Driving from her house it took just that. As she pulled into an empty spot in the Emergency Room parking lot in the dark, it all felt surreal to her. She got out of her car and the bright lights, the bustle of people behind the desks as the double glass doors slid open to the ER were suddenly so reassuring that Ruth felt silly. Maybe she had panicked. The sensation was still there but it was probably indigestion, just like that last time.

Surprisingly, there were just a few people in the waiting room. She found a chair in the corner and took a long, shaky breath, deciding she’d just sit for a bit and see how she felt. Who would know she wasn’t just waiting for someone? If she really was having a heart attack—God forbid—she was already here. If she wasn’t, she wouldn’t have to waste time or money that she couldn’t afford.

She leaned her head back and closed her eyes.

“Mrs. Hardaway?”

Ruth opened her eyes and turned. Oh no, how could she have forgotten? Coming around the information desk, her auburn hair pulled back into a clip, was Gloryanne, wearing a white hospital coat with a name tag: Gloryanne Graham, ER Receptionist.

“Are you waiting for someone?” Gloryanne asked, sitting beside her.

“Uh, yes.. no. I…I think I’m going to go now.”

“You seem upset, is there anyone I can go check on for you?”

She remembered the first time Colin had brought Gloryanne home, when they were seniors in high school. Gloryanne was shy and sweet, with freckles across her nose. Ruth had liked her a lot and thought she might be a stabilizing force for Colin. She looked now at Gloryanne’s wide gray eyes, filled with concern.

“Oh it’s… me, actually. I wasn’t feeling so great and I just thought I’d sit here a bit.”

“You do look pale. What are your symptoms?”

Ruth told her about the chest discomfort and palpitations.

“Why don’t we just let the triage nurse listen to your heart, okay? You don’t have to stay, but this way you can go home with peace of mind. You don’t want to take any chances, especially not…” her words trailed off.

“At my age. I know.”

Things happened quickly after that. The triage nurse heard something she didn’t like. Ruth was wheeled—they wouldn’t even let her walk—into an ER exam room and quickly hooked up to an EKG monitor. A few moments later a young man with a ponytail came in and drew her blood. It seemed but a few beats after that a young woman—why did everyone look so young?—wheeled in a contraption and told Ruth she’d be doing an echocardiogram. For twenty minutes, Ruth turned from side to side as a cold gel was rubbed on her chest and the girl took pictures, none of which Ruth could discern on that monitor.

Then she was left alone in the freezing room for what seemed like forever, suddenly wishing she could just go home and sleep. It was nearly midnight now, she saw by the big clock over the door. She should probably call someone, but decided it was too late. Then the door opened and Gloryanne came in with a clipboard.

“We need to get your paperwork processed. We did things a bit backwards, you know.”

Ruth reached over and unzipped her purse, pulling out her wallet, then handing Gloryanne her ID and insurance card.

“How are you feeling?” Gloryanne asked, as she wrote down the information.

Ruth shrugged. “The same. Right now, though, I just want to go to sleep. All this has been a bit much for the nerves, you know? I’m sure my blood pressure’s up.”

Gloryanne smiled. “You did the right thing. I know Colin would agree.” And then she looked up. “He doesn’t know you’re here, does he? Does anyone?”

Ruth shook her head.

“Do you want me to—”

“No!” She said it louder than she’d intended. “I’m sorry, it’s late and I’m sure it’s nothing. I don’t want to get everyone all upset.”

“All right, but if you change your mind, I’m here until one. I’ll be out at the desk.” She handed her back Ruth’s cards.

“Thanks, Gloryanne, I appreciate it.”

At the door Gloryanne turned before opening it. “Can I ask you something, Mrs. Hardaway?”

“Sure.”

She came back into the room, looking at the floor for a long moment.

“I know it hasn’t always seemed like it, but…I love Colin. I always have.”

“Things haven’t been easy for you, I understand.”

“I was trying to get him to trust me again, but…” she shrugged, shaking her head as if in defeat.

Ruth didn’t know what to say.

“Is there someone else?” Gloryanne asked.

“You mean is he seeing someone?”

She nodded.

“Not that I know of. Why do you ask?”

“He just seems…different.”

“Well, he’s moving on, adjusting to his new life, thank God. And he’s busy. Swimming keeps him focused, and still athletic, which we both know is a big part of who he is. I have to say, he’s an asset at the store. But I think his time volunteering at the bird rehab has helped the most. I think Colin has become a much stronger person because of his injury.”

“I know.” Gloryanne’s eyes suddenly filled with tears. “It’s funny, but after he wouldn’t see me, I began to think it was for the best. I wasn’t sure I could be saddled with that kind of responsibility. That he would be…less of a man. Oh God, that sounds so awful.”

“It’s all right, I understand what you’re trying to say.”

“After all that time, when he was ready to try again, I wasn’t. But you’re right, he’s become…” she paused, searching for words.

“A better man.”

“Yes. And I think I’m too late.”

Just then the door swung open and Gloryanne jumped up. She stepped aside to let a doctor in. Then she gave Ruth a little wave and slipped out.

“Well, Mrs. Hardaway,” the doctor said, “it seems you have some fluid around your heart.”

“What!”

She looked at him, stunned. No chit chat or nice nice? He just walks in, flips open her chart and drops a bomb like that?

“Fluid around your heart,” he repeated. He wore wire-rimmed glasses and had shaggy hair that needed a cut. “We need to know what’s causing it, so I’m going to admit you.”

“Admit me?” She couldn’t have heard right.

He looked up, this time with an amused grin. She sounded like a parrot.

“The good news is your blood enzymes came back fine, so it doesn’t appear you’ve had a heart attack.”

But all she could think of was her father-in-law, who died a few years after Bill of congestive heart failure. They couldn’t stop the fluid from building up around his heart and it eventually destroyed the muscle. He wasn’t even sixty.

An hour later she was wheeled to a room on the fourth floor. By then, Gloryanne was gone. Ruth would have to call everyone in the morning. But then she thought of Sam, alone in the house, all the lights on, no one to walk her upstairs and help her up on the bed. No one to take her out for a last pee. Luckily, Sam had the bladder of a camel.

She looked out the window. It was raining now, gray streaks running down the dark glass. There was fluid around her heart. How was that really possible? She was strong, healthy, she’d never had a serious illness in her life. But she’d also been ignoring her symptoms for months. Had she damaged her heart? Made it worse than it would have been if she’d simply done what a normal person would have and gone to the doctor?

A fist full of fear hit her in the stomach. Was this the beginning of the end? She wasn’t ready for her life to be over. She wasn’t ready for a debilitating illness. Why had she ignored it? What a fool she was.

Despite her exhaustion, now Ruth couldn’t sleep. Doubts, regrets, anger at herself jabbed at her each time she tried to doze. She watched the town darken as she lay awake in the hospital bed, staring at the streets spread out below her, as one light after another was extinguished, feeling as if she were awake in a bad dream. Suddenly wishing for one more chance.