Born Bad (18 page)

‘You are never a nuisance. Alan and I love you like family. We want to help, that’s all.’

‘I love you too,’ Judy told her sincerely, ‘but I need to deal with things myself.
I really think I should go home now.’

Before Pauline could reply, the sound of loud snoring resonated through the room.

Startled, Judy and Pauline glanced across to where Alan was lying with his feet up on the arm of the sofa. His arms above his head, he was fast and hard asleep, mouth open and tongue rattling. Pauline tried hard not to laugh, but when Judy started giggling, she couldn’t help
herself. ‘What am I gonna do with him, eh?’ she chuckled.

‘Should we get him to bed, or leave him there?’ Judy asked.

‘Leave the bugger there.’ Pauline didn’t think twice. ‘Lazy article! If he thinks we’re gonna bust our boilers carting him upstairs, he can think again! He didn’t even make our hot chocolate, did he?’ They laughed again.

Thankful for the timely intervention, Judy helped Pauline
to cover him over and make him comfortable. ‘We can sit and chat a while longer, if you like,’ Pauline suggested. ‘If you need to talk, that is?’ She suspected Judy was keeping a secret, though what it could be, she had no idea.

An hour later, after much persuasion, Judy let Pauline show her to the guest room. ‘You look really tired,’ the landlady said, and yawned. ‘One night away from your
husband, just to get your thoughts together, won’t hurt anyone – least of all you.’

It wasn’t long before the pub fell quiet, save for Alan’s loud rhythmic snoring. Having left him to sleep it off, Pauline settled in their bed alone.

Judy was in the spare room, but she was not asleep, nor was she in bed.

Folded in the deep wooden rocking chair in the corner, her mind was alive with all manner
of thoughts and memories, of Fisher’s Hill and Harry, and the way it was; and her heart was broken. ‘Where are you, Harry?’ she murmured. ‘Why did you never come back for me?’

She turned her sorry gaze to the window, where the night skies were alive with shifting clouds, and for a long moment, she was mesmerised. ‘I ruined it all, and now I have to face the consequences,’ she told herself. ‘My
life will never be the same; no strong arms around me, no gentle talk and warm, loving glances.’

Closing her eyes, she could see Harry’s face, feel his gaze on her, as though the two of them, so in love, was not so many years since, but only a moment ago. Wasn’t it wonderful, she thought, how you could keep something in your heart forever, even though in the real world it was already gone.

She gave a deep, aching sigh, knowing in her heart and soul that she would never again know such love. ‘I deserve to be unhappy,’ she whispered to the skies. ‘I should never have lied. I should have been brave enough to tell him the truth, but I couldn’t, and now I’m paying the price.’

She spent a while longer, thinking of the heartfelt vows she and Harry had exchanged. Vows that meant everything
then, but that were based on deception. Her deception.

In spite of all that, her memories of the time with Harry were a precious lifeline to her. They were her shining light in the quiet, lonely darkness.

Above all else, the wonderful, heart-warming memories of Harry, kept her sane
.

Getting undressed, she put on one of Pauline’s nightgowns, then went into the bathroom and washed from head to
toe. Pauline had brought in a bag of toiletries containing a toothbrush and toothpaste, and a brush to tame her thick, tangled hair.

Afterwards, feeling much better, she climbed into bed and was soon asleep – with Harry, and her beloved memories.

But then there was the other one! The one she so desperately needed to forget. The one who haunted her dreams night after night, giving her no peace
.

Even now after all this time, the pain of it never went away
.

In the early hours, Pauline awoke in a panic. ‘What was that noise?’ Turning to look beside her, she was surprised to see how Alan had made his way to bed at some time during the night. His snoring was as loud as ever.

Shaking her husband by the shoulder, she tried to wake him, and then she remembered. ‘Judy!’ In her state of semi-awareness,
she had forgotten that Judy was in the house.

She listened again, and there it was: someone was crying!

Leaping out of bed, she went quickly along the landing. She inched open the door to Judy’s room and peered in. ‘Judy, it’s me – Pauline. Are you all right?’

In the dimly-lit room, she could see Judy’s small shape. She was still asleep, and obviously in distress, ‘Harry, I need you! Don’t
leave me, I’m sorry … I’m so sorry.’

Pauline spoke softly to her, ‘Judy, I’m here. Pauline’s here.’ Hurrying across the room, Pauline climbed onto the bed and took Judy in her arms; rocking her gently, ‘Ssh! It’s all right … I’m here … ssh.’

When Judy opened her eyes and saw Pauline there, all the fear and sadness welled over. Safe in her friend’s loving arms, she sobbed as though she would
never stop. ‘I was bad,’ she kept saying. ‘I was bad and he left me … Harry left me.’

For what seemed an age, she cried and in between gave the tiniest insight into her most secret thoughts. ‘I had to lie.’ She said it over and over. ‘
I had to lie!
’

A short time later, when Judy finally succumbed to a deep, quiet slumber, Pauline made her way back to her own room and climbed into bed. She listened
for a time, and when she was satisfied that Judy was resting easy, she settled herself beneath the eiderdown.

She was curious. Who was Harry? Was it someone Judy had once known and lost touch with? Certainly Judy had never spoken to her of anyone by that name.

Whoever he was, he had caught Judy’s heart, until now he was invading her dreams. Where had he gone? Why had he left her, this Harry,
whom Judy so loved?

Moreover, what did Judy mean when she claimed that she had
had to lie. Who had she lied to? Was it this man called Harry? Or was it to someone else?

More importantly, what was this lie all about, and why was it haunting Judy in such a way?

Pauline got out of bed and sat in the chair, her thoughts straying back to Judy. Even though she had known her for some time, and loved
her dearly, Pauline realised how little she really knew about Judy. Sadly, her dear friend was not one for confiding in others.

For just a moment back there, she had caught a glimpse of Judy’s troubled mind, and it concerned her.

After a while, believing Judy to be soundly asleep, she climbed into bed and slid quietly between the sheets, ‘Sleep well, Judy,’ she murmured before closing her eyes.

Yet Judy’s tearful words, and the heart-felt plea that Harry should forgive her, were too alive in her mind.

Now Pauline was the one who couldn’t sleep.

A
FEW HOURS LATER
, when the morning sun came streaming in through the windows, Pauline woke with a start.

‘Alan!’ She gave her husband a shove with the sharp end of her elbow. ‘Alan, are you awake?’

‘No!’

‘It’s time to get up.’

Opening one eye, he winked at the bedside clock. ‘Not yet.’

‘What d’you mean, not yet! Look, it’s seven o’clock already; time we were up and about!’

‘You can be up and about if you like,’ he rumbled. ‘As for me, I’m here for at least another hour, and wild horses won’t drag me out.’

‘Oh, really? Well, if you’re expecting
me
to do all the work while you laze in bed, you can think again.’ She gave him another shove. ‘Wake up, you bone-idle article. What’s wrong with you?’

‘Nothing’s wrong with
me
!’

‘So get your lazy backside out of bed.’

‘No.’

‘Why the devil not?’ she demanded, flummoxed.

He looked up out of one eye, then grinned triumphantly. ‘It’s Sunday, you daft devil!’

Pauline had completely forgotten. ‘Oh, right. Well, you get back to sleep for another hour or so. I’m off downstairs to make a drink.’

‘Go on then, and don’t come back.’

‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

‘It means I’m tired, and you’re aggravating me. It
means I’ve already lost my precious sleep, on account of every time I close my eyes, there’s you poking and prodding and threatening to shove a pillow down my throat because of a few gentle snores.’

‘Oh, shut up! Don’t be such a baby!’ she groaned. ‘Gentle snores indeed. Huh!’

‘Bye!’ waving his hand, he rolled over into her warm space. ‘Just clear off and let a fella get some sleep.’

Grumbling
and groaning, Pauline quickly dressed, brushed her hair and made her way to Judy’s room.

There were no signs of their guest. The curtains were open and the bed was made, but Judy was nowhere to be seen.

Worried, Pauline made her way downstairs and there in the kitchen, pouring boiling water into a teapot, was Judy, looking more refreshed and with no sign of the upheaval in the night, apart from
the faintest of shadows beneath her quiet, grey eyes.

‘Morning, Pauline.’ Judy had tried not to wake her two friends. ‘I hope I didn’t disturb you just now, when I came down?’

Pauline came across the room. ‘No, you didn’t. I just wondered where you were,’ she said. ‘I was worried in case you’d got up in the night and made your way back to
him
.’ She made no effort to disguise her feelings towards
Phil Saunders.

‘Well, as you can see, I didn’t go back.’ Judy gestured for Pauline to sit. ‘I will have to go back though. I’m surprised he isn’t already battering on the front door.’

Taking the cup of tea offered, Pauline waited for Judy to sit at the table opposite her. ‘I’m worried about you, pet,’ she told her sincerely.

Judy shook her head. ‘Don’t be.’

For a few minutes they talked of
this and that – laughing at Alan’s snoring, and drinking their tea, both of them deliberately avoiding talk of the night’s events until, after a while, Judy nervously approached the subject. ‘Thank you, Pauline,’ she said softly.

‘What for?’

‘You know what for.’

Pauline nodded. ‘Do you want to talk about it?’ she asked pointedly. ‘I mean,
really
talk about it?’

For a moment it seemed as though
Judy might confide in her, then she shook her head. ‘No. Best not.’

‘Okay.’ Pauline wisely backed off. ‘If that’s what you want.’ She sipped her tea and after a minute or so, said, ‘I fancy a piece of toast – want some?’

‘No, thanks all the same. I’ll have my tea and then I’ll make my way back, before Phil takes it into his head to cause any more trouble for you.’ She added angrily, ‘That’s
if he’s not still blotto from last night.’

‘It wouldn’t surprise me at all.’ Pauline recalled how totally out
of his mind Phil had been. ‘He knows how to make a fool of himself, that’s for sure!’

While she talked she moved about, opening windows and making toast, adding an extra slice under the grill in case Judy changed her mind.

Then she came back to the table, where Judy appeared to be deep
in thought. Sensing that she was going over last night’s events in her mind, Pauline munched on her toast and gave Judy the time and quiet she obviously needed.

After a moment or two, Judy looked up. ‘Pauline?’

‘Mmm?’ Pauline had a mouthful of hot toast.

‘About last night.’

Pauline swallowed the remnants of her toast, ‘What, you mean Phil getting drunk out of his mind?’ she asked. ‘Don’t you
worry about that. It’s nothing new.’

Judy gave a sad little smile. ‘Phil’s drunk out of his mind most of the time, but I didn’t mean that.’ She paused, seemingly embarrassed. ‘I mean, when you came to my room, I was dreaming, talking out loud.’

Pauline understood. ‘It’s all right,’ she assured her. ‘I didn’t hear a thing, or if I did, I’ve already forgotten.’

Grateful for Pauline’s integrity,
Judy told her, ‘You’re a good friend.’

Having torn off another chunk of her toast, Pauline grunted acknowledgement.

Another few minutes passed, with Pauline chatting on about Alan and chuckling at how she had no idea why she’d put up with him all these years.

‘You love him, that’s why,’ Judy told her. ‘When you love somebody, you would do anything to be with them.’ She had tried so hard not
to think of Harry, but he was always there, in her mind and in her heart. So too, was her guilt.

Pauline knew she was thinking of the man called ‘Harry’ and she was curious. ‘You talk as if you love somebody enough to do anything for him,’ she remarked quietly. ‘I don’t believe it’s Phil Saunders either.’

She did not pressure Judy, nor did it really matter whether the young woman answered her
or not. All she wanted was for Judy to face her demons in the light of day. It was the only way forward.

So, she sipped her tea and waited.

In the background, the ticking of the wall clock seemed unusually loud, but then the silence between Judy and Pauline was thick
and heavy. Having finished her short breakfast, Pauline went to the sink, where she rinsed out the cups.

Her mind was on Judy,
and what she might be thinking right now. ‘Is she thinking of the one called Harry, or is she thinking I should mind my own business?’ Pauline asked herself.

Returning to the table, she began collecting up the sugar bowl and milk jug, and as she turned to walk away, she felt Judy’s hand curl into hers. ‘You want to know about Harry, don’t you?’ Judy asked.

Greatly relieved, Pauline acknowledged
this with a nod. ‘You need to talk about him, love. You need to share whatever it is that’s hurting you.’

‘I know you’re right,’ Judy sighed. ‘Only, it’s so difficult.’

Replacing the milk jug and sugar bowl, Pauline sat herself down. ‘I’m here for you, Judy,’ she said. ‘All I want is to help you, and if you feel the need to talk, that’s all to the good. But you don’t have to tell me everything.
You can tell me as much or as little as makes you feel easier. All I want is for you to face your nightmares, because if you don’t, they will haunt you for ever.’

Judy heard what Pauline was saying and she knew that every word was true. She
did
need to face her nightmares. She needed so much for someone else to know what had really happened. She so much wanted to open that dark locked door inside
her, and let the demons out.

To be rid of them once and for all.

She knew it would not be easy; all these years, whenever she thought she was ready to tell, she could never bring herself to do it.

That was not surprising, she thought sadly, for how could she ever tell the real truth to anyone else, when it was so ugly, she could not even deal with it herself.

Pauline’s voice interrupted her
thoughts. ‘If you need to talk about it, now’s the time.’ She gave a little smile. ‘Before Alan starts with the snoring again.’

As always, Pauline’s wry sense of humour had broken the ice, and for a moment, Judy found herself actually laughing. But then as Irish Kathleen would say, ‘after the laughter comes the tears,’ and it was true, because now the tears were rolling down Judy’s face. ‘I do
want to talk about it,’ she told Pauline in a whisper. ‘I just don’t know how.’

Pauline knew then that there had been something very wrong in Judy’s past life. ‘Tell me about Harry,’ she prompted, hoping
that would be a good place to start. ‘You obviously loved him very much?’

Judy took a deep breath. ‘We were just kids, and yes, I
did
love him, more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my life. Oh,
I know I married Phil, and that was unfair to us both, because the truth is, I’ve never stopped loving Harry. I never will.’

‘So, who was he, this man you loved so much?’

‘His name was Harry Blake. He lived down our street in Fisher’s Hill, and he was my first real sweetheart. He was kind and thoughtful. Good-looking too!’ She smiled, a wistful, beautiful smile. ‘He was every girl’s dream, and
he chose me.’

Her voice broke with emotion. ‘Out of all the girls he could have had, Harry chose
me
. We were so happy. We planned our lives together, and never a day went by when we didn’t see each other. He was my man and I was his darling, and we were so much in love!’

For a moment she was quiet, remembering how it was, then in a soft voice she went on, ‘Like two fools, we thought nothing
could ever go wrong in our perfect little world.’

‘But it did go wrong – is that what you’re saying?’ Pauline had seen the joy in Judy’s face whenever she spoke Harry’s name. She had also seen the pain, and what looked to her, like real fear.

Judy took her time in answering. For a while she lost herself in those blissful days when she and Harry were impossibly young and in love; when every sky
was blue and every day was another wonderful adventure together.

‘Judy?’ Pauline quietly called her. ‘Are you all right?’

Judy looked up. ‘You asked me once if I had lost touch with my family.’

‘I remember.’ Pauline had never heard Judy talk of her parents or siblings. ‘You said you had no family and I left it at that, but I must admit, I’ve always wondered.’

‘I did have a family, once upon
a time,’ Judy enlightened her now. ‘I had a mother and father and an older sister.’

Pauline was delighted that Judy was talking of things she had never discussed before. ‘What happened to them?’ she asked. Maybe the demons that haunted her, had to do with her family.

‘They threw me out when I was fourteen.’

‘
What?
’

Judy nodded. ‘It didn’t really matter, not then. Nothing did,’ she said in
a low voice.

‘Did you ever see them again?’

Judy gave no answer.

‘Did they ever try to find you?’

Judy shook her head.

‘So, you don’t know where they are now?’ Pauline was baffled.

‘I don’t want to know!’

Shocked by Judy’s hostility towards her family, Pauline asked gently, ‘If you want to find them, I can help if you like.’

‘NO!’ Looking Pauline in the eye, Judy told her in a thick,
harsh voice, ‘I never want to see them again …
any
of them, as long as I live! They didn’t want me then, and I don’t want them now! They didn’t look after me. They didn’t care about me. To tell you the truth, I don’t care whether they’re alive or dead.’

‘Don’t upset yourself, pet.’ Worried that Judy was growing agitated, Pauline assured her, ‘It’s all right if you don’t want to see them ever
again. Forget them. You have a new family now.’

Judy clenched her fists. ‘Phil Saunders is
not
my family. He’s bad … just like the others. I hate him! I hate him!’

‘Hey!’ Reaching out, Pauline took hold of her hand. ‘I wasn’t talking about Phil. I meant me, and Alan. We’ll always be here for you, come what may. We love you like our own daughter.’

‘I’m sorry,’ Judy apologised. ‘I’ve never really
seen Phil as my family, but I can’t blame him for the way he is. He knows I was never in love with him and he also knows that it was always Harry I wanted.
He
was going to be my family, then when he left, Phil just took over, and I was so desperate, I didn’t really care.’

She dropped her gaze to the table and went on in a small voice: ‘Phil knows I don’t love him in that way. That’s why he’s
so aggressive; why he follows my every move. He’s afraid that Harry will come back and take me away.’

Pauline was horrified. ‘Judy! You can’t stay with a man just because you feel sorry for him. You can’t throw your life away like that.’

Judy shrugged. ‘I owe Phil a lot,’ she told Pauline tonelessly. ‘After Harry went, I fell apart.’ Her voice became almost inaudible, as though she was talking
to herself. ‘I didn’t know which way to turn, but then Phil rescued me, and now I have no choice but to stay with him.’

She gave Pauline a sad smile. ‘Isn’t it strange how nothing ever works out right?’

Pauline needed to understand. ‘I can see how much you loved Harry,’ she murmured. ‘So what happened to drive you apart?’

‘It was my fault,’ Judy confessed. ‘It was a bad thing I did. I
spoiled
it all.’ She took a moment to compose herself. ‘Harry left and I never saw him again.’

‘What bad thing was it that split you and Harry apart?’ Pauline enquired gently. ‘You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but if it helps …’

Suddenly, Judy was out of the chair and hurrying across the room. ‘I’ve got to go!’ she said in a panic. As she went through the door, she called behind
her, ‘Thank you, Pauline. Thank you for having me.’ The front door opened and closed – and Judy was gone.

Left alone, Pauline berated herself. ‘Why didn’t you just let her talk? Why did you have to keep pushing her?’

‘Hmh!’ A few minutes later, Alan entered the room. ‘Talking to yourself is the first sign of madness they say.’

‘What d’you mean?’ she snapped.

‘Take it easy! It’s just that I
heard you chuntering away to yourself as I came down the stairs.’ He glanced about. ‘I thought you might be talking to Judy, but now I see you were talking to yourself.’