Born & Bred (20 page)

They worked for her. They dulled all the pain and let her wander through her days without highs and lows—except when she mixed them with alcohol. Sometimes, when she drank, the jagged edge of desperation poked through and her whole life seemed worthless.

But she drank to break from the monotony even if it meant that she said and did things that, later, she wished she hadn’t. And it was happening more and more often, but she couldn’t dream of going through life without a drink. “I think that’s a good Idea, Jerry. I’ll phone right now and make an appointment for you.”

She knew he’d never do it himself, preferring to sit by the kitchen table complaining and she couldn’t put up with another day like that.

**

As she left the kitchen, Jerry reached forward and slipped a few cigarettes out of her pack. They were Silk Cut and they were far too mild for him. He preferred Major’s or Carroll’s but he couldn’t be choosey. He managed to get one lit despite his shaky hands and inhaled deeply, agitating another coughing fit.

He wiped his mouth and sipped his tea. He wished that he had some whiskey left but that stash was long gone. He desperately needed the cure. He heard Jacinta on the phone in the hall and rose as quickly as he could. Her bag was on the counter. He would just borrow enough to buy smokes, and a few pints. She’d never begrudge him that. He had just sat down again when she came back.

The doctor had time today but he’d have to leave right away.

**

After he left, Jacinta sat for a while and smoked. She wouldn’t let it get her down anymore. They had taught her that in the hospital. She had to develop the ability to just accept that things would go wrong in life and not allow it to take over. She hadn’t been able to do that before.

Since she was a little girl, everything just piled up on top of her and crushed the life out of her.

Everything, like the day the new puppy ran out under a bus.

And the day they all went to the zoo and the elephant took her whole handful of Smarties. She didn’t tell anybody and spent the next few days expecting the man on the television to expose her. “An elephant died at the zoo after some little girl gave him Smarties,” he’d announce and they’d all know it was her.

The nuns told her that she had to make a good confession and be heartily sorry for that and all of her other sins.

When she was in the hospital, she talked to the doctor about that. He suggested that she might have misinterpreted the message that they were trying to send her but he never explained himself. He wanted her to forget about the past and to focus on the positive side of things—that there would always be people there to help her, and to guide her.

She really wanted to talk about that part of her life that the nuns had molded. She felt it was important to bring it up but he didn’t and moved along to asking questions about her father and her mother.

Being a parent was a lot harder than anyone ever said, especially her parents who just accepted everything that happened to them with a stoicism born of faith and hope and fear.

If she had only known what she knew now, she never . . .

But it wouldn’t have made a difference. Jerry had assured her that she wouldn’t get pregnant just doing it once and she’d had no reason to doubt him. He was in university, after all, and his father was in the
Dáil
, and her father called him “Mister Boyle.”

For a while it was like a fairy tale but that didn’t last. She’d liked the wedding and everyone fussing over her. But afterwards, when it was just her and Jerry, and her growing belly, it all turned into a nightmare of bickering and him storming out while she cried herself to sleep. Each time made the next one worse until it became a chasm between them.

His mother spoke to both of them and told them to mend their ways but Jerry didn’t listen to her. It just made him want to avoid her, and Jacinta could only imagine how he was spending the time he was away from her. When he didn’t even come home one night, she broke down and confided in her sisters. They nodded and consoled her but she couldn’t help feel that they couldn’t wait to be alone and tell each other that they had seen it coming all along.

There was no point in dwelling on all of that so she went up to wake Danny and to retrieve two twenty-pound notes from the envelope she had hidden in the linen closet. There wasn’t much left but there was enough for today—and maybe two more after that. She closed the door quickly as Danny emerged from his room looking bedraggled.

“And where were you ‘til all-hours of the morning?”

“Out.”

“Where? And what were you doing?”

“I was just out with my friends. Leave me alone, will ya?”

“You mean you were out with the drug addicts.”

He looked at her like he was totally bored—with her and with anything else she might say—and brushed past her.

“Don’t walk away from me like that.”

“Like what? I’m just going to get something to eat.”

“Isn’t it well for you that you have a mother that makes sure there’s always food to put in front of you? Maybe you should think about that the next time you’re out getting high.”

“And you should think about how I let you live in my house. Think about that the next time you’re out getting drunk with your sisters.”

**

“Well it’s about time you showed up,” her sisters greeted her with relief.

“I’m sorry. I was having trouble with Danny. Let me get you all a drink.” She pulled a crisp twenty and put it on the table in front of them. “And there’s another one, too, for when that one is gone.”

“Do you see that, Martin? That’s how we look after each other in this family.”

“That’s right. We look after each other and not go running off to Canada.”

Martin ignored them and turned to Jacinta. “So how is Danny?”

Jacinta settled herself into the space her sisters had reserved for her and lit a cigarette. She would have to buy another pack; she had only four left. She knew where the others had gone—he had been into her purse, too, but he still didn’t know about the envelope. She had a plan for when that was gone, too. Granny’s best China, and her silverware, carefully wrapped and stored in boxes in the spare room, under a mound of laundry.

“He’s worrying the life out of me, Martin.”

“Don’t be bothering her with all of that,” his sisters interrupted as the drinks arrived. “We’re here to get away from all of that for a little while. Cheers, Jacinta. Cheers.”

“Cheers,” Jacinta agreed, delighted to be the center of their warm attention. Her house had grown so cold to her; Jerry was getting lost inside of himself and Danny’s indifference was chilling her heart a little more each day. It was so nice to be with those who loved her unconditionally, even if it only lasted as long as her money held out.

“So?” She turned to Martin. “How was London? Did you meet anyone that tickled your fancy?”

“Him? Are you joking? He’d be afraid of even getting close to a real woman.”

“He’d piss his pants.”

“Ah, leave him alone, will you?”

They all deferred, retracting their claws as they sat back. Jacinta ruled the roost, for now.

“London was great, thanks for asking.”

“And?”

“And what?”

“You have, haven’t you? You’ve met someone?”

“So what if I have? It’s just a summer thing.” He paused to sip his pint before continuing. “I’ve decided. I’m going to go to Canada after I graduate.”

“I thought it was New York you were going to?”

“I changed my mind.”

“She’s one of them, isn’t she? My little brother has fallen for a Canadian?” She knew that Martin didn’t like when they pried in his business but she couldn’t help herself. It was how they were together.

“So what’s going on with you and Danny? Did he get his results yet?”

Jacinta knew what he was doing but went along with it. “Of course he did—with honors in history, too.”

“That’s fantastic,” Martin raised his glass toward their sullen sisters. “To Danny!”

“To Danny,” they responded insipidly, jealous of the bond he shared with Jacinta.

“Yes, my Danny is a good scholar but he’d be a lot better if only Jerry would make him stay at home and do his studying.”

“Oh leave him alone, Jass. He passed—after everything—and now I’m sure he’ll settle down and get his Leaving Cert, too.”

“Do you really think so Martin? You’re not just saying that? I’ve been getting so worried about him. He’s getting awful lippy lately and I swear to God that he’s taking drugs, too.”

“Oh I doubt it, Jass. Why do you think that?”

“He’s never at home and looks very shifty when I do catch up with him. He never lets me see his eyes when I’m talking with him.”

“That’s a sure sign,” the sisters agreed and nodded knowingly at each other. “It’s no wonder when you look at his father. I’m surprised that he’s not an alcoholic, too.”

Martin glared at them until they stopped and turned back to Jacinta. “Why do you say that?”

“He’s hanging around with those hippie kids—you know the ones I mean, that Skelton brat and the tramps that hang around with him.”

“Oh them, they’re okay.”

“Do you know them?”

“I do, yeah, and you’ve nothing to worry about. Johnny’s a good guy. He’s at art school.”

“Well in that case would you ever have a word with him and tell him to leave my son alone?”

“Jass, I’m sure there’s no reason for you to worry but, if it would put your mind at ease, I could drop by and have a word with Danny, if you like?”

“I don’t know, Martin. You know how his father gets. I’d be afraid there’d be a row.”

“Well could you get Danny to phone me, then?”

“I would but what if Jerry were to find out?”

Jacinta had no intention of passing the message along. She was happy with the distance that had grown between her brother and her son. She didn’t want Danny to have anybody else to turn to until he let her back into his life. And she didn’t really want Martin around right now in case he noticed the boxes in the spare room. And if Danny asked, she’d tell him that Martin was busy with his own life. She’d tell him that it was something he would have to learn: that no one loved him like she did. No one, not even that young trollop who was probably dropping her drawers for him after getting him high.

“So how’s Jerry?” her sisters asked and sat forward grinning like hyenas.

Jacinta lit up again and leaned toward them. “Wait ‘til I tell you the latest. He fell out of bed this morning, at half past eleven, and tells me that he is depressed and that he wants the doctor to give him pills.”

“Pills? He’d be better off getting a job.”

“Why would he need to do that? Haven’t you still got all that money the old bitch left you?”

Jacinta did nothing to dispel their illusions. She wanted them to believe that, no matter how bad things were, she was far better off than any of them could dream of.

“It’s not for the money,” she reminded them and finished her drink. She wanted them to know that she was now a part of a higher class who never discussed things like that. She waited for her point to register and nodded to the barman. “It’s more the principal of the thing,” she explained patiently. “Jerry was a victim of politics, you know, because of his father.”

Her sisters nodded in sympathy and drained their own glasses. “It must be terrible for you.”

They settled into a brooding silence, each with their own thoughts, until the barman brought their fresh drinks.

“Well, we all have our burdens to bear, I suppose.”

“Well Jacinta is certainly bearing hers well.”

“And she looks great, too. Doesn’t she?”

“She looks gorgeous. She puts the rest of us to shame. I’m dead jealous.”

They all agreed as Jacinta glowed a little. She knew their affections were easily won, and lost, but she had to take it where she could find it and smiled all around as she raised her fresh glass. “Cheers!”

Martin didn’t smile back. His eyes had never left her face, like he was trying to look all the way inside of her. “Getting back to Danny,” he tried in a soft voice.

“Never mind Danny,” his sisters rebuked him. “He’s more than capable of looking after himself. It’s Jacinta that you should be worried about. She’s the one who is family, after all.”

“And what is Danny? He’s family, too.”

“Okay, okay Martin,” Jacinta conceded. “You’re like a dog with a bone. Come over on Saturday afternoon. I’ll make sure Danny is there and we can pretend that you just dropped in.”

“And what about Jerry?”

“He’ll be down in the pub. You won’t have to worry about him. Are you happy now?”

Martin just nodded, finished his pint, and got up to leave.

“Wait,” his sister Gina called out. “It’s Ma’s birthday next week and we should all pitch in to get her something.”

“Sure,” Martin agreed and reached for his wallet. “How much are we throwing in?”

“A tenner each.”

“A tenner,” Martin smiled as he pulled his last two fives from his wallet. “Here. Who should I give it to?” He asked Brenda and Linda but they both just looked to their drinks as they nodded toward Jacinta.

**

Martin had smiled as he walked down the street. It had turned out to be a very expensive day for Jacinta. He knew she had money stashed somewhere and he knew it couldn’t last forever. And he hadn’t wanted to know where it came from. That way he wouldn’t have to lie to Davies.

He never did get around to seeing Danny until after the thing in the church and by then it was too late. He and Danny were never the same again. No matter how hard he tried he couldn’t get through to him. It was like Danny didn’t trust anybody anymore.

Then, when Danny had to work around the church, so they wouldn’t press charges, he pretended to reform and Martin didn’t blame him. Everybody was on his case.

That was when everyone started to say that he was more Carroll than Boyle, and they didn’t mean it as a compliment. That was when he would have needed Martin the most and he wasn’t there. He was too busy moving to Canada.

***

“You’re thinking about your nephew again?” David opened his eyes and rolled toward him, wrapping his arms around him and drawing their bodies together. He reached forward and gently kissed Martin’s lips. “You can talk to me about it, you know?”