Born of Fire (43 page)

He withdrew from her so fast that it left her feeling empty. “What?”

She swallowed in sudden trepidation and anger as she realized he wasn’t happy about her stupid declaration.

Why did I say it
?
I’m such an idiot!

She wanted him to return her words, not look at her with such panic in his eyes. But she wasn’t a coward and she would stand by her slip because it was the truth. “I said I love you.”

Syn stared at her in disbelief. No one had said those words to him since the night he’d proposed to Mara. Never had he expected them to come from another female.

Especially not a seax.

He wanted to tell her he loved her, too, but the words
lodged themselves painfully in his throat and for the sake of his soul, he couldn’t bring them out.

C’mon, say it.

Don’t you dare!

His common sense and his heart warred with each other as he saw the expectant look on her face.
I have to say something
. . .

And before he could stop himself, he spoke the first thing that came to his mind. “That’s nice.”

You lame moron
.
What a stupid thing to say. She tells you she loves you and you come back with “That’s nice?” Gods! You might as well tell her that her ass is fat and go ahead and get the groin kick.

This time you deserve it.

Hurt flickered across her face an instant before rage. “That’s nice!” she spat. “That’s all you have to say?”

Say it. Tell her you love her.

I can’t. I can’t love her. It would destroy her career and her family.

Let her go so that she can live.

Bullshit. You’re not that altruistic and you know it.

And with that, he knew why he couldn’t return the words. He finally understood the truth behind his stupidity.

He was afraid. Shahara had been right when she’d said he was afraid to let people get close to him. Because if he trusted her and she betrayed him, it would kill him. He couldn’t go through that again.

I’m so sorry, Shahara
. . .

Angrily, she left the tub and grabbed a towel. “You know what
I
think C.I. stands for?” she raged.
“Completely Insensitive!”

“Shahara, wait.” He moved toward her.

“Stay away from me.”

He left the tub and pulled her into his arms before she could make it to the door. “Don’t be like this. I do care for you.”

Her gaze turned even more frigid. “But you don’t love me.”

“No,” he lied.

She clenched her teeth and fought against his hold. Tears welled in her eyes, and Syn damned himself for the bastard he was.

He deserved to live his life alone. Isolated.
I can’t believe I’m hurting the only woman I’ve ever really loved
. . .

Her or you, boy. Her or you.

And he’d been hurt enough in his life. He couldn’t let her completely destroy him any more than he could tear her away from her family and career. He cupped her face in his hands. Pain constricted his throat. “I do need you, Shahara. I do. But I can’t offer you anything more than that.”

Shahara tensed as he pulled her back into his arms and laid his head down on her shoulder. Her first impulse was to drop-kick him right in his exposed testicles, but in spite of her anger, she knew it didn’t change her feelings for him.

She still loved him whether he returned her feelings or not.
Gah, I’m pathetic.

Closing her eyes, she damned fate for its cruelty. She’d finally found a man she could trust and love, and he didn’t feel the same way for her.

I could die.

“Please don’t be angry,” he whispered.

Wrapping her arms around him, she decided that for
now he needed her and, if he needed her, then he might grow to love her as well.

Maybe if she were patient . . .

“I’m not angry.” She was more hurt than anything else. And while there was anger, it wasn’t at him. It was at Mara and the universe and all the other reasons that had warped Syn to the point he couldn’t open himself up to her.

But she wasn’t mad at him.

Syn pulled back and stared at her until he was sure she’d spoken honestly. Once the fire faded from her cheeks and eyes, he toweled himself off.

“C’mon.” He tossed the towel aside and took her hand. “Let’s get some sleep while we can.”

She followed him, but he could still feel her sadness. It would be so easy to make her happy, but the scar of his father’s sin ran too deep. It had branded him since his birth and it destroyed everything it touched.

Sooner or later, it would destroy if not her, then their relationship. Because sooner or later another curious reporter or official would show up and expose him all over again. They would go after her and it would cost her everything.

She would be guilty by association and that would cause her to hate him.

Sighing, he knew he would die if he faced scorn from her. Better they part now on relatively good terms than he have to live with her turning on him the way Mara had. He never wanted to go through that again.

Shahara pulled the covers up over their bodies as Syn snuggled against her back. Her heart heavy, she listened to his breathing while he positioned one of his legs between hers and draped his arm over her waist.
He rested his hand between her breasts. She sighed at the possessiveness of his hold.

What would it take to gain his love?

And if she did, would he ever admit it?

She started at the sudden realization.

The Syn she knew would never admit it if he felt love. He was too strong for that. Love meant weakness and Syn would never open himself up to that vulnerability again. For all she knew, he
did
love her and he was too defensive to tell her.

I swear, Syn
. . . But she couldn’t blame him given everything he’d been through.

She heard his breathing even out and felt his hold loosen as he fell asleep. Pressing her lips together, she moved his hand from her breasts and stared down at it. Scars marred his knuckles with one running from the side of his wrist up to his elbow.

So much pain. So much fighting. Would he ever believe that someone could love him?

That someone would stay with him?

She didn’t know for sure. But one way or another, she would find the answer to those questions.

“I’m not going to give up without a fight, boy, and as bad as you think you’ve had it in the past . . . those opponents were nothing compared to me.”

Shahara Dagan had never failed a mission in her life and she wasn’t about to fail this, the most important one. Somehow, she’d free him.

Most of all, she’d claim him.

When Shahara woke up, the room was completely black. And the space next to her in bed was empty. A slice of fear went through her. Where could he have gone?

“Syn?”

“Right here,” he said from her right. The lights came up to a soft glow.

Turning over, she saw him sitting in one of the overstuffed chairs near the window.

Fully dressed, he stared at her, his face impassive. “We need to get going soon.”

“Okay.”

He got up and crossed the room. “I’ll be waiting outside.”

Shahara frowned at the catch in his voice and reached for the clothes he’d folded and placed neatly on the nightstand. What had he been thinking while he watched her sleep?

Whatever it was, it must have been fierce for him to be so cold now.

Sighing, she got up and went to shower and dress.

Syn leaned back against the closed doors, his body aching as he remembered the sight of her sleeping like
a child in the bed. Most of all, he remembered the sincerity in her voice as she told him that she loved him.

She loves me
. . .

Those words tore him apart. He wanted to rejoice and simultaneously run for cover. How he wished he’d met her when he was a doctor with no past. That was what she deserved. Not some filch with no country, no dignity.

Nothing.

C’mon, boy, heartaches come and they go. You know that better than anyone.

Yeah, they did go eventually. But the pain remained forever. And even if he lived a thousand years, he knew the pain of losing her would haunt him every moment of it.

How do I give up someone who loves me?

The same way you always have. In the end, she’ll be just like Paden and will learn to hate you, too. Just a matter of time.

It was true. Closing his eyes, he tried to blot out the image of her peaceful body resting in his arms.

Gods, what had she done to him?

But then he knew. She’d touched him deeper than anyone ever had. Her touch had branded his soul, and no matter how much he might wish otherwise, he’d never be able to let her go. Not without tearing out his heart.

Because in the end, he loved her, too.

What the hell—you’ll get used to the pain. Just like you’ve always gotten used to everything misfortune has tossed your way.

He heard her approach the doors. Moving away from them, he picked up their packs and tried to act as nonchalant as possible.

She was still plaiting her hair as she joined him.

He cleared his throat. “Are you ready for this?”

She wrinkled her nose in distaste, and yet the expression wrung his gut. How could any woman be beautiful while looking so disgusted? “Not really. But if we must go risk our lives and run into more people wanting to kill us . . .”

He didn’t respond as he hailed Vik. “What’s your status?”

“Annoyed.”

In spite of everything, he laughed. “What’s going on out there?”

“Street’s basically clear. There’s a couple on the corner in a rover about to have sex—nasty people doing private things in public, get a room, you no-home-trained plebs. Other than that . . . looks promising.”

Syn slung his pack over his shoulder, then held hers out for her. Once she had it in place, he led her out of the building and made sure he ignored the couple in the rover.

Shahara frowned at his continued coldness as she followed after him. What had happened while she slept?

Well, that’s the last time I ever fall asleep around you, buddy
.

“You always wake up this pissy?”

He arched single brow at her. “Excuse me?”

“You heard me. You were normal when I went to sleep. Now you’re like Kasen on a bender. Someone give you a willie while I was out of it?”

“I have no response for that.” His tone was completely dry.

She gave him no reprieve. “Yeah, well, if you were a woman, I’d swear you were on your period.”

Syn paused to gape at her. “You do know I am my father’s son, right? People don’t talk to me that way and live.”

“Oh, like I fear you. Never. Besides, a fight might dislodge whatever has crawled up your sphincter and bring back the much nicer version of you. No offense, but I miss that Syn.”

“Do you talk to your brother like this?”

“All the time.”

Syn shook his head. “And he worships you for it? I knew Caillen was a masochistic bastard.”

She made a hissing noise at him.

And still he was charmed by her. Even while she insulted him.
I’m the one who’s certifiable.

Shahara let out a sigh as she watched him move up a little to lead the way. Tempted to shoot him, she looked up at Vik, who was keeping pace with them.

She just didn’t understand what had happened to him. He’d been so tender at the hotel.

I should never have told him I loved him
. It was a mistake of titanic proportions. Now she’d lost her connection to him because he was too stubborn to accept the fact that someone could care about him.

I’m so sorry, baby
. He lived in such a harsh place that she wasn’t sure anything would ever reach him there.

Trying to push that thought away, she scanned the street, amazed at how empty it’d become in such a short period of time. Absolutely no one was anywhere to be found. It was almost as if someone had dropped a virus bomb, killing all inhabitants and leaving just the buildings behind. If not for the lights twinkling dimly in the thick darkness, she would have really become suspicious. “Where is everyone?”

Syn followed the line of her gaze up to a nearby
building. “They’ve taken refuge for the night. Shasra is a dangerous place after dark.”

“Dangerous? How so?”

“The temperature drops so low that you can freeze to death in minutes if you’re not careful.”

A twinge of fear skidded up her spine. “We’re not dressed for extremely cold weather.”

“I know.” His blasè tone alarmed her all the more. “Relax, I don’t intend for us to be out here all that long.”

That was supposed to comfort her?

“Yes, but in case it has escaped your astute attention, Captain Obvious, things keep happening to us that we don’t plan on.”

He let out an annoyed hiss. His lip was curled, which would have looked fierce had his eyes not been alight with humor. He might not smile, but he was amused. “So what do you suggest? We weigh ourselves down with coats? Encumber our bodies to the point where we can’t move our arms or legs in a fight? That’ll go over well, won’t it?”

So what if he was right? She still didn’t like the idea of freezing.

“Well, we better be quick and not become human popsicles. I’m going to be really upset at you if I freeze to death.” She reached into her pocket to pull out the map he’d given her inside his flat.

As he took it from her, she realized his clothes were still damp from her earlier dousing. A wave of guilt and dread fear went through her as she realized how cold he would get. “Maybe we should try this another day.”

“We don’t have time to delay. It’s now or never.” He headed in the opposite direction of their hotel.

Rolling her eyes at his stubbornness, she followed after him. A freezing wind tore down the street, whistling between buildings. She wrapped her arms around herself and wondered why Syn seemed immune to it. He walked forward as if the dropping temperature was nothing at all.

“Aren’t you freezing?”