Boss Bitch Swag (22 page)

Chapter 33

I was nineteen years
old when I gave birth to my second child. Mariah Clark was the spitting image of her big sister
; t
hey looked so much alike
,
it was astonishing. Boss and I were so blessed. We had it all
,
and we appreciated it. We came from a place where people didn’t live happily ever after
,
so we knew better than to take what we had for granted. I thanked
G
od every day for my beautiful family
; t
hey were the only thing that really mattered. I came from much of nothing
, so i
f we lost the money, the house, the cars
,
and all the other material possessions
,
I
’
d survive. Losing my family
, though,
was another story. My brother’s murder was still an open wound
; n
ot a day went by that I didn’t think of Anthony. At least I had good memories of him. My li
tt
l
e
brother was always happy
,
and that’s how I
’
d always remember him.

Pee-Wee stopped fuckin
g
with Sabrina and got serious with a new woman. Kylee Winters was a twenty-one
-
year
-
old pre
-
law student who worked part
time as a paralegal to help pay for school. That girl was as real as they came
, and w
e clicked instantly. We shopped at the same clothing stores
, w
e liked the same type
s
of movies
, and w
e read all the same books. She was the female best friend I always wanted. Within no time
,
we were as thick as thieves.
Best of all,
I finally had somebody in my life I could cut loose with. Kylee knew how to have a good time. We went to the movies damn near every Saturday
,
then had dinner at a different restaurant each time. She got me into clubs that I
’
d never even heard of. She even got me in at her beauty salon
, and
Plush was as exclusive as a country club. Kylee’s cousin Lamar was one of the owners
, though,
so we got the VIP treatment. When we walked through the door
,
a waiter greeted us both with a chilled glass of champagne
;
I knew then that was the only salon for me.

Boss and I were doin
g
so well
– and th
en I got another phone call. This time
,
the bitch’s name was Peaches and she had proof of their tryst. Those pictures broke my heart
;
I couldn’t even conjure up the strength to argue
,
let alone fight. It seemed like every time I forgot about the past
,
a new hoe popped up to drag me back. I confronted Boss
,
and of course he denied it. I didn’t show him the pictures
, though;
I didn’t see the point. Boss was the kind of nigga that went down with the ship
; h
e wouldn’t admit to shit
- n
ot even pictures of him sleepin
g
naked in a strange bed with a strippe
r
named Peaches at his side.

The next few days were tense. Boss was mad at another bitch for callin
g
our house
,
ensspan>
he
took it out on me. It wasn’t my fault he didn’t know how to cover his tracks. I was gettin
g
so sick of his bullshit. Every time he committed a crime
,
I got punished for it.

“Meesha, what the fuck
’
s wrong with you?" Boss yelled at me like I was one of his daughters. “Are you fuckin’ stupid?”

He damn near had me in tears. My heart couldn’t take much more
; t
o have somebody I loved talk to me like that stung. Maybe he was right. Maybe I was stupid, but not for accidentally lockin
g
his keys in his truck
; i
f I was stupid for anything
,
it was for puttin
g
up with him.

“You don’t have to talk to me like that.” I decided to fight for my dignity. “How would you like it if I said that shit to you?”

“You need to go sit yo li
’
l ass down somewhere and shut the fuck up.”

“Shut the fuck up?” I repeated his cold
,
callous words, not believing they came from the mouth I
’
d kissed so many times before. “That’s how you talkin’ to me now?” I asked but got no response. “Then we might as well just get a divorce.”

It may have been sudden, but I was dead serious. Boss was becoming a stranger to me
,
and I didn’t much like his new persona. The man I fell in love with
never
would have hurt me like that
; h
e
never
would have talked to me like I didn’t matter. I was sinkin
g
fast
,
and I knew I had to get a grip. My two daughters needed a strong a mother
, n
ot a beatdown shell of one.

“I ain’t got time for this shit.” Boss dismissed me and my feelings. “Just call a fuckin’ locksmith
,
”
h
e commanded
,
“
i
f you can manage.” His tone reeked of sarcasm.

When he walked out and shut the door behind him
,
a rush of relief swept over me. I was so glad to see him go. I couldn’t believe the man that once made me feel so special now had me feelin
g
low and worthless. There was nothing else for me to do
; i
f he wanted Peaches, Asia, Risha
,
and all the others
,
he could have them. It was time for me to cut my los
s
es
...i
t was time for me to go.

“You okay
,
baby?” Mama asked with concern. “You don’t look so good.”

Her house was my retreat
;
I ran there whenever I needed to get away. It was usually only for a day or two, but this time felt different.

“How’s your husband?”
s
he asked
,
like she could read my mind. “Does Boss know you and the girls are here?”

“Does he care?”

“Meesha, I don’t know what happened
,
and8" n>
-
”

“Mama, if you take his side
-”

“I’m not takin’ anybody’s side.” She raised her voice at me for the first time in many years. “Ya’ll both silly. Married with two babies and actin’ like fools.”

“I thought I could handle it. I thought I could handle his life, but I can’t. One woman I could compete with
, t
wo I could deal with
-
but ten
...
twenty
...
I
...
I just can’t do it.”
The tears arrived right on cue. “And then the way he talked to me today
...
I felt like he hated me.”

“But you know he doesn’t
,
” Mama reminded me. “Baby, Boss loves you.”

“My mind knows that, but my heart
...M
ama
,
my heart’s another story.”

“What are you sayin’
,
Meesha?”

“I don’t think I wanna be married to Boss anymore.”

As soon as I heard the words come out of my mouth
,
I knew they were true. It made me sad that I felt that way about my husband, but I knew it was time to let go. The longer I held on
,
the worse it would get. My love for Boss was still as strong as ever
-
but my love for myself was even stronger. I couldn’t just sit back and take his shit anymore. Lately, I didn’t feel like Boss loved me back. If he wanted to be free
,
then I wasn’t about to try and hold him prisoner. I loved my girls too much to let them grow up in an environment like that.

The following week
,
I went to see a lawyer. I thought long and hard about what I was doin
g
. On one hand
,
I wanted our girls to grow up in the same home as their father
; o
n the other hand
,
I knew it wasn't good for them to see and hear us going at each other like we had been. As their mother
,
I had to set a better example
;
I didn’t want them to grow up and think it was okay for some nigga to treat them that way. It took me three hours of wavering back and forth, but I finally came to a conclusion
:
I filed for divorce.

It didn’t take long for Boss to respond.

“What are you doin’ here?” I asked him through a small crack in
M
ama’s front door. I could see he was upset, but so was I. It hurt me to my core the way he took my love for granted. He made me feel like I wasn’t good enough
, and t
hat wasn’t an easy thing to just get over.

“Can I come in so we can talk?”

“I can hear you just fine right here.”

“Meesha, please?”
h
e begged.

I tried to be as cold to him as he
’
d bee"48>
n to me
,
but I couldn’t. My heart wouldn't let me
; i
t remembered all the good times. I saw him beside me in the operating rooms when the doctors pulled Malaysia and Mariah from my stomach. I felt him hold my hand at my li
tt
l
e
brother’s funeral. I heard him tell me he loved me in the dark of night as our sweaty bodies recovered from an hour of passion and pleasure.

“Come in.” I caved. “We’re gonna have to sit down and talk about this sooner or later.”

He followed me inside
,
then shut and locked the door behind him. I sat down on
M
ama’s loveseat and began to prepare myself
mentally
for what was about to come. I knew Boss
; h
e looked calm on the outside, but inside he was fuming. Our bad tempers were one of the few things we had in common. When he came and sat down on the loveseat right beside me
,
I got a li
tt
l
e
nervous. I was expecting him to sit on the couch
,
or even the chair. It was too hard to concentrate with his body that close to mine. That was a huge part of my problem
:
I was addicted to that nigga.

“Why
?
” His mouth spoke that one word like a dictator. It wasn’t a question
- i
t was a demand. He wanted to know my reason
,
and he wanted to know
it
immediately. I knew then
that
he
’
d received the divorce papers. It was time to hash it out. If I wanted to leave for good
,
he wasn’t about to let me go quietly.

“Boss, life with you is too hectic.” I rationalized, trying to leave my emotions out of it. “It's not good for me
,
and more importantly it's not good for the girls.”

“You know I love you, Meesh.” He decided not to play fair. “I love you like I ain’t never loved anybody else.”

I almost lost it. I knew he loved me. That wasn’t the problem
; i
t never was. He had an addiction that I didn’t think he could kick. He loved me
,
and I knew that
-
but he loved pussy more
,
and I knew that
,
t
o
o.

“Boss, I love you
,
too, but it’s not about you and me anymore. I know it’s hard to put somebody else’s happiness ahead of yo own, but that’s what we have to do as parents. I want Malaysia and Mariah to have a happy childhood
...
and if that means I have to sacrifice
...
then so be it.”

“So you just gonna leave me like everybody else did?” He looked at me like I stank. “After everything we been through, Meesh?”

“I’m sorry
,
” I apologized, not only for everything we were going through, but also for everybody who had left him before me. “Boss, I’m so sorry we have to go through this. I really am.”

“You fuckin’ somebody else?” His eyes narrowed suspiciously right in my direction. “Who?”1em. “Wh He demanded to know the name of a nigga that didn’t exist.

“Don’t even come at me with that bullshit
,
” I whispered through clenched teeth. He pissed me the fuck off, but I was
n’t
about to yell. Not with my children sleepin
g
nearby.