Bound and Determined (29 page)

Bound and Determined

121

stomach slowly dissolving, the medicine spreading itself through his

bloodstream, easing pain everywhere it went. Sometime during that

visualization, he fell asleep again.

When he woke the second time, his head was on Sterling's shoulder and

he suspected he'd been drooling.

Sterling didn't speak, but he shifted position a little, turning into Owen,

his hand passing slowly over Owen's back in a wordless greeting.

The dazzle in front of his eyes had gone, and he felt clearheaded if still a

little fragile. Not a day for anything strenuous, but he would at least be able to

do something with whatever was left of Sunday, even if his plans would have to

be adjusted.

“You're still here,” he murmured and found that his voice sounded quiet,

the words no longer reverberating inside his skull. “You didn't have to stay.”

“You're kidding,” Sterling said gently. He slid his hand higher, to the back

of Owen's neck, and then slipped his fingers up into Owen's hair, rubbing with

a light touch. It felt so good that Owen found his eyes closing again. “You think

I'd leave you when you're sick? I mean, not sick, but hurting. I wouldn't do

that.”

“Listening to me snore isn't that entertaining,” Owen pointed out drowsily.

He brought his hand up to rest on Sterling's shoulder, feeling the muscles flex

as Sterling continued to massage his neck. “I can't promise I'll be any better

company now that I'm awake, either.”

“You're good company even if you're asleep.” Sterling was probably just

trying to be loyal, but it sounded genuine enough. “Do you want something to

eat? I could go make something. Toast?”

Owen propped himself up on an elbow, losing the comfort of Sterling's

hand but giving him an excellent view of Sterling's face. “You don't have to wait

on me,” he said bluntly. “I'm just not feeling up to any of what we had planned

for today, clearing out the room
or
dreaming up a scene for you, so can we

just…” He couldn't think of a way to phrase what he wanted to say without

sounding brusque. It wasn't as if being a Dom was something he could switch

on and off; he was a teacher even during vacations and a Dom even when he

wasn't feeling horny, but he'd never been able to sustain the lifestyle 24/7 with

a partner, which was one reason it hadn't worked out with Michael. Today, the

thought of the effort involved in being nothing but a Dom to Sterling, which

was the sum total of their relationship, after all, overwhelmed him. “Time-out.

Sorry.”

Sterling looked even more worried and reached out to touch Owen's chin

like he wanted to but didn't know how Owen would react. He did make

tentative contact, though. “Don't be sorry, and don't think
I
think I have to wait

on you. Can't we just—could we spend the day together even if we're having a

time-out?
I
still want to. I
like
you, Owen—you, not just what you can teach

me. Could we just pretend we're friends for today? You can take it easy, and I

won't expect anything.”

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“We don't have to pretend we're friends,” Owen objected, swapping sides in

the argument just to be contrary—and because he was curious and a little

touched by Sterling's evident concern. “We are. At least…” He trailed off,

gathering his thoughts before speaking. “No. We're not, are we? Our

relationship's too uneven for that; we know each other very well on some levels,

not at all on others.” It was too early for soul-searching. He poked Sterling's

shoulder, the relief of movement without consequences washing over him.

“Which would be your fault for bullying me shamelessly into this and rushing

me.”

“Hey, I didn't—”

“Did it ever occur to you,” Owen continued remorselessly, unable to hold

back a grin, “that if you'd hung around the club for a few weeks being your

usual engaging self,
I
might have decided to pick
you
up after getting to know

you better?” He dropped a kiss on Sterling's nose. “What with you being so

pretty and apparently irresistible.”

The smile Sterling gave him was so delighted Owen was almost

overwhelmed by it. Of course, it could have been the migraine meds.

“You're—are you actually teasing me?” Sterling asked. “In a nonsexual

way, I mean?” He was blushing just a little bit, but he snuggled up closer to

Owen and kissed him, long and slow. “Okay, I don't think friends kiss each

other like that. Boyfriends, maybe, but…”

That word made Owen freeze, something that as close as they were, in

every sense, Sterling picked up on immediately. Before the moment could

shatter, he forced himself to relax and keep his breathing steady. Boyfriend.

“That's not how I think of you,” he began, “but it's not you—I haven't thought

of anyone that way since—”

“Michael.”

“Yes.” Owen eyed Sterling uncertainly and decided not to attempt to patch

things up with a kiss. “If you were my, uh, boyfriend, we'd eat out, catch a

movie, invite friends over, plan vacations, maybe live together…” It was

appealing in a way. He focused on the main stumbling block. “We'd have a

future that wasn't certain to end when you graduate next summer and go off to

do exciting things with your shiny degree, which is just what you
should
do

with it. We don't have any of that, and the way things are right now, we can't. If

it helps, I'm not happy about it. I'll miss you more than I thought I would.” He

rolled to his back and stared at the ceiling, which wasn't looking at him with a

stricken expression. “You didn't want to hear any of that, did you?”

“I—” Sterling didn't seem to know what to say, and who could blame him?

There was a long silence, then that same tentative touch, but on Owen's chest

this time. A careful, tender stroking of fingertips over his skin. “First of all, if

you think when I graduate here that means I'm done with school, you haven't

been listening. I'm going to get a Master's degree after this—maybe two—and

then probably a doctorate. Might as well use up as much of my father's money

as possible. Plus that gives me more time to decide what I want to do.”

Bound and Determined

123

“You're still not sure?” Owen asked.

Sterling shrugged. “I have time. Anyway, I figure I'll stay here for my

Master's, so that gives me at least another two years here. Maybe four. And—

for the record, if we're sharing stuff we think the other person doesn't want to

hear… I want all of that with you. Movies, friends, vacations. The whole future.

I know you think I'm too young, but I think you're wrong.”

“I don't think you're too young to fall in love,” Owen said. “You're almost

twenty-one, after all. I just think that falling in love with
me
is…problematic.

I've given you something that makes a lot of your life suddenly make sense; you

went from having no outlet for this—this mass of emotion and need building

up, to having me giving you everything you didn't know you wanted but you

did.” He turned to his side, facing Sterling, and gave him a rueful look. “I'm

your fairy fucking godmother, I get that. I'm also a lot older than you, and I

know
this lifestyle is one I won't walk away from. I couldn't. You haven't

reached that point of certainty yet, not after a couple of months.”

“So I'll wait,” Sterling said. In that moment, he sounded so confident and

able to be patient that almost anyone would have believed him. “I'll wait as long

as it takes. When will you think I know? In a year? Two years?”

Owen sighed. “I know when you're thirty seconds away from needing to

use your safe word, and I know when you're about to come. I also know when

you're trying to fool me that, yes, you've done enough research on an essay

when we both know you've skimped it to spend time with me. I
don't
know how

long it's going to take for the novelty of getting your ass spanked to wear off.

Maybe it never will; on the face of it, you're a natural sub—on the pushy side

for some, but not for me. But I've seen people drift away from the scene; they've

fallen in love with someone who'd freak out if they were asked to give or take a

spanking, and the love's more important than the kink. Or a baby comes along

and the parents decide paddles and cuffs don't mix with diapers and teddy

bears.” He pushed the pillow up behind him and sat up. “If you want to mix in

some downtime with the sessions, and come over just to, well, hang out, you

can do that, but it will change things a little, just to warn you.”

“That'd be good,” Sterling said eagerly. “I'd like that. I mean, not the

changing things part, necessarily, but I want to know you. And it's not like I'm

going to have any babies—though maybe you want to, some day? I know you've

been with women too…” He seemed disturbed by the idea.

Owen snorted. “Trust me, I'm not the paternal type. I did a stint at an

elementary school as part of my teacher training, and wiping snotty noses for

six months and dealing with whiners, bullies, and winsome little misses is

what made me decide I was happiest teaching older students. Kids are hard

work, and I'm too selfish to give up my life in favor of someone else's—a

someone else I don't even know, who could be a complete brat.” He raised his

eyebrows. “You don't want children ever? It's something that isn't completely

impossible these days; there's adoption, or surrogacy…”

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“I've just never wanted any,” Sterling said. “I like kids, just, you know,

other people's. I think my mom is still waiting for me to change my mind about

that and about being gay. Just wait until she finds out about the BDSM

thing—I'll be lucky if she doesn't explode.” He seemed more accepting of it than

Owen would have expected, like it was an inevitability.

“I never told my parents,” he said. “Oh, they knew I was bi and they

were…” He frowned. “I don't know how they were about that,” he admitted. “I

brought home my first boyfriend after a string of girls, and they asked if I was

gay and I said no, I just thought that this one guy was hot. After him it was

another girl, and they just stopped asking me. They treated all my partners the

same, and if they wished I'd make up my mind, they never said.” He shrugged

and slid his hand into Sterling's on an impulse, pleased when Sterling's hand

returned the light clasp warmly. “After I got a place of my own, I stopped

introducing them to my dates. It got too complicated and too risky. They knew

Michael, but they didn't know what we did together. I kept them apart as much

as possible. He would have taken off his collar if I'd ordered him to, but you'd

have to have been blind to miss the way he was around me. I can fake it;

Michael, not so much. I envy him that confidence, but I couldn't go there.” He

ran his thumb over the back of Sterling's knuckles. “You must be close to your

mother to consider telling her about this?”

It occurred to him that an incensed parent could descend on the

university demanding that the teacher who'd corrupted her son be fired, but

the idea of asking Sterling not to mention his name didn't appeal. Owen was

discreet about his sex life, but he wasn't ashamed of what he did, and this was

one area where he felt that he had no right to dictate to Sterling.

Even if tenure could be revoked.

“I guess,” Sterling said. “Yeah, pretty close. She was the first one I told

about being gay, and the one who had the sense to tell me I shouldn't tell my

father. I didn't come right out and tell him, at least—but I never went on dates

or to the prom, and I never talked about girlfriends to throw him off the trail. I

talked about my guy friends all the time, and I could have told by the way my

father looked at me that he didn't like it even if he'd never said.” His mouth

twisted. “But of course, being who he is, he told me constantly.”

“What kind of things did he say?” Owen asked.

Sighing, Sterling brought his mouth down to their clasped hands and

kissed the wide knuckle of Owen's thumb. “You know, all the clichés. How if I

kept hanging out with the guys from the baseball team and didn't date girls,

people would start to suspect I was a queer. He was thrilled when I fucked up

my shoulder and couldn't play anymore, until I decided to hang out with the

artsy kids instead.” Changing his voice, making it deeper, he imitated what