Bound in Blue (15 page)

Especially the sex acts.

Oh God, she was fidgeting again. Jason was
finally taking her to
le Citadel
, Mr. Lemaitre’s private
nightclub for members of the Cirque. Jason made a big deal of it,
buying her a sleek, tight black dress for the occasion, and an
ivory satin corset with stockings to wear underneath. He said
Lemaitre preferred black, but he preferred white, and so did she.
Sara liked to play the innocent. She loved when Jason called her
little one
.

The corset was beautifully elegant, with
ribbons and lace, and wide garter straps that caressed her legs
when she walked. Jason told her not to wear panties, so she felt
naked under her fitted dress. The corset kept her sitting straight
and held together, almost as if she were in bondage. She felt
exotic and frazzled, on display, like a doll dressed for Master’s
pleasure.

Kelsey and the men were similarly dressed in
black, per Mr. Lemaitre’s dress code. Leather and latex was also
allowed, even encouraged. She’d heard gossip about what went on at
the Citadel...dancing, drinking, partying, and lots of fetish and
sex. When she pressed Jason to expand on that last part, he only
told her
le Citadel
defied definition, and that she’d have
to wait and see.

But this meal was going on forever. Jason,
Kelsey, and Theo were old friends and they liked to talk. Kelsey
was from California, like Jason, with a bright, fun personality.
She had beautiful, long, white-blonde hair that Sara wanted to
touch, only to see if it was as soft as it looked. So far she
hadn’t been brave enough to touch it, although Theo stroked it
often as he talked to his wife. They shared so many fond kisses and
caresses, and a lot of jokes and laughter too.

Now Kelsey was telling Jason about her
shoulder surgery, which she’d only had done to be proactive,
because her left shoulder was tricky sometimes ever since she
dislocated it. They talked about other injuries, and how diligent
Lemaitre was in taking care of his performers. Then Theo made some
crack about him taking care of them too well sometimes.

The conversation ground to a halt and all
three of them glanced at her. She lowered her head and shoved a
forkful of fish into her mouth. “This is really delicious. All the
seasonings and the vegetables and...what is this stuff?” She
pointed to the grainy substance.

“Polenta,” Kelsey said. “It’s supposed to be
good for you, but if you don’t care for it, let me get you
something else. I asked Jason what you liked to eat, but he said to
make whatever I wanted.”

“Because I eat whatever he tells me,” Sara
said with a half-smile.

“Ah, it’s easy to be the one on the bottom,
yes?” said Theo. “Just do as you’re told.”

Kelsey batted her husband. “It’s not as easy
as you think. Maybe we should try switching sometime.”

“I’m always happy to do switching,” he
replied with a dangerous smile. “But it might not be the type of
switching you hope for.”

Jason burst out laughing at Kelsey’s
flustered look. “Really, Kels? You would want to top Theo? He’d
curse and complain the whole time, and top like crazy from the
bottom.”

“I’m a masochist, not a miracle worker.” She
made a face at her husband. “Don’t worry, you’re secure in your
mastery.”

“Has
anyone
ever topped you, Theo?”
asked Jason. “Lemaitre?”

Theo shook his head. “We have a history,
oui
, but not that type of history. I don’t make a good
bottom. I leave that to the experts.” He reached to take his wife’s
hand, an easy gesture that spoke volumes about their comfort with
each other.
Someday. Someday you might have that with Jason.
She hoped so…but she’d have to leave after the Exhibition, go to
another city and another show, unless she could get into
Tsilaosa
. Jason said they’d find a way to continue their
relationship, but it would be difficult, so far away from each
other.

When conversation came back around to the
Cirque, Sara asked Kelsey and Theo about their experience with
Cirque de Minuit
in Marseille, and if they knew anything
about
Cirque Brillante
.

“I know it’s in Las Vegas,” Kelsey answered
in a sympathetic tone. “That’s really it.”

“Vegas can be fun,” added Theo. Jason didn’t
say anything, just stared into his drink.

“I wish I could stay here and be in
Tsilaosa
,” she blurted. “You were in that show a long time,
weren’t you, Theo? Did you enjoy it?”

Now all of them were staring very intently at
the table. “I wouldn’t say I enjoyed it,” Theo said. “I prefer
doing
Minuit
with my wife.”

“I wish there was a way for me to be in the
Paris show so I could stay here.” She knew she sounded whiny. Jason
was giving her a cease-and-desist look. “There’s no trapeze act in
Tsilaosa
,” she persisted, “when almost every other circus
has one. I don’t get it, and no one will tell me why.”

Theo pushed his chair back and stood. “I’m
going to get some air.” He strode through the kitchen, pausing by
the back door. “You can tell her, but I don’t want to hear the
story again.”

Sara watched in distress as he closed the
door behind him with a click. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. Jason
looked perturbed. Kelsey seemed on the verge of tears. “I’m so
sorry for whatever I said.”

“It’s a little late now,” Jason said.

Kelsey touched his hand. “Don’t get angry
with her. She’s right, no one has explained. Why wouldn’t she
question?”

Jason sighed and rubbed his forehead. “Are
you going to tell the story, or me?”

“You should tell it. I’ll cry if I tell
it.”

Sara stared at her plate, mortified that
she’d ruined their dinner party. She could see Theo on the back
porch, staring out at the black night.

“So,” said Jason in a heavy voice.
“
Tsilaosa
had a trapeze act once. Duo swinging trapeze, with
Theo and a girl named Minya. She was from China, and she was in a
relationship with Theo. Not a serious one. Well, to Theo, it wasn’t
serious. It was more serious to her than he realized. I mean,
wouldn’t you say that’s what happened?”

He looked at Kelsey and she nodded, too
emotional to speak.

“Anyway,” Jason continued, “Theo and Minya
went up one night and they...they missed a connection. Minya went
into a somersault but she turned the wrong way. Theo managed to
catch her but he didn’t manage to hold her. Or rather...” He looked
under his lashes at Sara. “She let go. Later, they found out she
let go. She’d cut the safety line before she ever went up, to be
sure nothing saved her. She chose to fall.”

Sara stared. “On purpose?”

“On purpose. I guess we’ll never know why.
Because she was mentally ill. Because she wanted to hurt Theo. I
don’t know. Because she wanted to die for some misguided
reason.”

“She died?”

“She fell almost eighty feet, little one.
Yes, she died.”

“I was there,” said Kelsey. “I was watching
from backstage. I’d only just joined Cirque, and I saw her fall and
hit the ground.” She covered her mouth, her eyes filling with
tears. “And I remember looking up and seeing Theo waiting there,
hanging down from the trapeze with his arms out, like he might
still catch her.”

Sara’s eyes filled too. She could barely
process the vision in her mind. Theo’s partner had killed herself
in the middle of a performance and left him to deal with the grief.
She looked out the back window, at Theo, happy, joking Theo who
stood so stiff and still.

“I don’t think there’ll ever be another
trapeze act in
Tsilaosa
,” said Jason. “It’s bad circus
voodoo. After Minya fell, Lemaitre burned the safety lines she cut,
replaced the rigging, everything. It’s been expunged from Cirque
history, and that’s why no one ever talks about it. Why no one
would answer your questions.”

That didn’t seem right to Sara. “Wouldn’t it
be healthier to talk about it? It’s not fair to Theo, to treat it
like some dark, shameful secret. He didn’t do anything wrong.”

Kelsey dried her eyes on the edge of her
napkin. “I think he understands that, but it still hurts. It’s
still bad voodoo, like Jason said.” She and Jason exchanged a look,
then she went to the living room and returned with a light
blanket.

“These cool summer nights,” she said, holding
it out to Sara. “Why don’t you take him a blanket while Jason and I
clean up?”

It wasn’t a cool night at all, but Sara took
the blanket and headed toward the porch. Her and her big mouth. Now
Theo was sad, and a million questions swarmed in Sara’s head,
questions about relationships and depression, and circus
superstitions. When she opened the door, Theo turned to her and all
the questions fled. All she could think was,
this poor
man
.

She held out the blanket. “Kelsey sent this
for you. In case you were cold.”

He turned his head a little toward her, then
away. She didn’t know what to do. She didn’t know if he was
irritated, or sad, or whether he wanted company right now. She
stepped outside anyway and stood beside him, and waited for the
appropriate words to come. But the only words that came were, “I’m
sorry.”

Theo grunted, his noise that meant
I don’t
know what to say right now.
He opened the blanket and wrapped
it around Sara’s shoulders. “You don’t have to be sorry.”

She tried to hand it back to him. “It’s
supposed to be for you.”

After some repositioning, they stood within
the blanket shoulder to shoulder, each clutching one end. “I don’t
know what to say, Theo,” she began. “Except it wasn’t your
fault.”

He gave a short, bitter laugh. “Everyone says
that, but it was partly my fault. I wasn’t attentive. I didn’t care
for her feelings. I was too much her Master and not enough her
friend.” He drew in a great, halting breath. “That is the thing,
you know, with power exchange. You can’t wander too far from the
heart. People try, but...” He squeezed her hand under the blanket
and let it go. “I doubt you’ll get to stay in Paris,
ma
brillante
. It’s not meant to be.”

“Why do you call me that?
Ma
brillante
?”

“Because of your eyes. They are brilliant
blue,
non
? So unexpected.” He blinked at her, then looked
away. “You remind me so much of Minya sometimes. You look so much
like her, but she didn’t have your eyes. You are happy, Sara?”

“Yes.”

“Jason makes you happy? If he doesn’t, you
have to tell him. Don’t be so submissive that you lose
yourself.”

She made a sound of agreement past the
tightness in her throat. “I won’t lose myself.”

“You know, you must follow your own path.
Make your own way. Jason will come to you. He’ll come to Vegas, or
wherever you end up. He won’t mind leaving his job.”

“He shouldn’t have to,” she said with an edge
of impatience. “Maybe it’s time to let go of this tragedy. Time to
let Minya’s ghost rest. I’m here, and you, and many trapezists who
could delight Paris for years to come. Because of her, we can’t go
up there?”

Theo gazed at her, his eyes liquid dark in
the night. “Really, you are not very much like Minya. You are
stronger than she was. Stronger here.” He touched a finger to her
heart. “You came out of Mongolia all alone, with nothing, to join
the biggest circus in the world. You put up with your unpleasant
trapeze partner, day in, day out, and choose the most rigid Master
to serve. And you are not afraid of Lemaitre, are you?”

“No, I’m not afraid of him. But I don’t think
he likes me.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Whenever I see him, he frowns at me. He
frowns when he watches our act. He never talks to me. I wonder
sometimes if he’s disappointed he asked me to come.”

“He’s not disappointed, I promise. He just
knows you belong to Jason.” He chuckled. “He has an affinity for
exotic young beauties, so be careful. Stay close to Jason when
we’re at
le Citadel
.”

She turned to Theo in surprise. “We’re still
going?”

“Of course we are. Do you think I haven’t
noticed you fidgeting out of your skin with anticipation? Just
because you ask rude questions about my past and depress everyone,
it doesn’t mean we can’t still go out and have fun.”

She’d been prepared to go home with Jason and
endure a punishment for ruining the dinner. Going to the club would
be so much better. “Thanks, Theo,” she said. “I’m glad you’re my
coach. I’ll miss you when you go back to Marseille. Kelsey
too.”

“Oh, we’ll be around,” he said, waving a
hand. “Sometimes we come to Paris only to visit the original
Citadel. It’s the biggest, best one. There’s dancing and lights,
music, free drinks, and an entire back hallway of special, private
rooms.” He waggled his eyebrows. “And they are for exactly what you
think.”

* * * * *

Jason tried not to be exasperated with Sara.
He understood that a lot of her missteps were due to cultural
reasons. In Mongolia, people got in each other’s business. Whole
families lived in one-room structures, so they watched out for each
other, and demanded explanations when things were off.

Still, if she didn’t let the trapeze thing
drop, he was going to beat her naughty little ass until she
couldn’t sit for a goddamn week. Hashing over the Minya thing made
everyone unhappy, and each time she talked about staying in Paris
to do trapeze, the scab was torn off anew.

At least Theo didn’t hold a grudge. By the
time he and Sara returned to the kitchen, he was smiling and Sara
was out-of-her-mind excited to leave for the Citadel. It was hard
to stay mad at her when she was so enthused. Jason, Theo, and
Kelsey were hardened attendees by now, but it was fun to see it
through a newbie’s eyes. As Kelsey said, they all remembered their
first times. Kelsey’s first time, she’d gotten so drunk she went up
to Le Maître—while he was in full character and fetish gear—and
flirted with his “pets.” She’d cooed over them and scratched behind
their ears like they were really pets, while Theo looked on in
horror.