Braless in Wonderland (21 page)

I was still reeling from the phone calls. I couldn't believe what Dad had said. I hadn't forgotten who I was. Modeling may have opened my eyes, but it didn't change the real me. I mean, I still loved to read and run and tease my sister. I still wanted to get a Ph.D. someday. He thought I'd turned into some crazy lingerie-posing party animal or something.

The partying in the model world was one of the “cons” I'd been thinking about, trying to decide what to do. I didn't love being surrounded by drinking and smoking every night. And as for the drugs, forget it. They weren't for me. But then again, there would be all of that in college too, even at Yale.

And a part of me wondered if I was really ready for the routine life of school. Modeling had kinda set me free from routines, made me relax more. And modeling had taught me a lot about myself. I didn't feel so closed off from people anymore. That fly-on-the-wall feeling was gone. Modeling tapped into a side of me I hadn't known was there.

It brought out the Alice side of me, the adventurous, playful side. And I wanted to know that part of me better. Maybe the best way to do that was to keep exploring new things. Starting with Japan.

But I wanted the college life, the discussions about great books, the great professors. I wanted to be around people who got what I was talking about, who loved working out their brain, not just their body.

Although I could get an education in Japan too, one I'd never get at any university. There were tons of cultural sights in Japan. I could travel, take Japanese, maybe.

I'd always done what my parents wanted, what was expected of me, followed the rules. I was nothing like the strong young women in all those books I read. I'd never stood up for myself. Not really.

But then again, maybe there was no reason to fight them this time. Maybe they were right about going straight to college.

I'd always thought I was this big thinker, but this was the first time I'd ever really had to think for myself about my own life and what I should do with it.

And so I made my decision.

 

The post office at Thirteenth and Washington was an architectural landmark. It was built in the thirties and had a really dramatic entrance, a huge domed rotunda.

It was as huge as the decision I'd just made.

I took a last look at the envelope addressed to Yale. Last night, I'd stared at those two boxes for an hour, one labeled WILL ATTEND and one labeled WILL NOT ATTEND.

And then I'd checked the box that was best for me.

I hadn't told anyone where I was going yet. I didn't want to hear any more opinions about what I should do, so I'd only told my family. Now I wanted to take one last drive around South Beach before I had to hit the highway. Brynn and Claudette helped me pack, but I had a lot more clothing now, so I had to go out and buy another suitcase. Claudette kept playing with my hair, squeezing my shoulders. Brynn didn't say much, just wisecracks, as usual. Her eyes were red and not because we were out all night. She was soft under that hard shell. I knew she would rather be wasted or high than feel deep emotions. She was high now. I could tell by the way she was sniffing and twitching. What would happen to her?

We started the big huggy-kissy good-bye at the car. Claudette said, “Be brave, babygirl, like me. I'll e-mail you from Milan.”

“You better. Where are you going, Brynn?”

“Not sure yet.”

“Call me. Or e-mail.”

“I will.” She wouldn't. I hugged her tight. And it wasn't awkward this time. “Luca's coming soon. I better get ready. You take care, Allee.”

“I will.”

After she went inside, Claudette said, “The agency dropped her yesterday. She didn't want you to know.”

I shouldn't have been surprised, but I was. I let out a big
whoosh
of air. “Maybe it's for the best. She needs some time to clean herself up.”

“Yeah.”

“You did call her mom, right? Because that's the only person she'll listen to.”

“Yeah, she'll be here by tonight. She's gonna take Brynn home, get her in a program. Did you know Brynn's real name is Brenda?”

I shook my head no. “Luca will be devastated.”

“He supplies the drugs. She needs to get away from him.”

“He may love her, but he's not good for her,” I agreed.

“Sure you can't stay a few more hours? The World Erotic Art Museum on Twelfth and Washington is having a naughty pastry exhibit and tasting.”

“I wouldn't eat anything there if I were you.”

Claudette threw her head back and belly-laughed. She grabbed my hands, squeezed them. Then her face got serious. “Don't do it, Allee. Don't go to Japan. I've always wanted to go back to college, but I'm caught up in the business now. If you don't go to school in the fall, you never will.”

“I don't know if that's—”

“You never will. You'll get sucked into the business and you'll never go back. Trust me.” It seemed so defeatist. I thought Claudette was all for living on the edge and everything. I guess not going back to college was her greatest regret in life. She gave my hands one last squeeze, then hugged me for a long time. Finally, she blew me a kiss and went back inside to pack for her flight tonight.

I waited for Miguel, who arrived at the center of a Rollerblading cyclone. Trying to pass other bladers on a narrow sidewalk never ended well. He wiped out and landed on the grass. I reached out and helped him up in his little red shorts and knee pads. What a cutie.

Miguel took in my backseat full of luggage, the plastic bags of clothing. “You're making a mistake, Allee Cat. Why even bother going back to Cape Caca? Tell your parents to mail your stuff to Agence and don't look back.”

“Miguel, I never said I was going home.”

“So you're going to Japan?” He was ready to turn a cartwheel.

“I never said that either.”

“I just don't understand. Why go back to who you were when you could be so much more?” Miguel thought the modeling world was the epicenter of the universe. It was completely beyond him that someone would choose to leave it.

I had prepared a speech for him. “I'll miss you a lot. You were always there for me, and you got me to laugh when I was more depressed than I've ever been. You brought out all the good things that were bottled up inside me, opened up a whole new world to me, taught me so much. I can't thank you enough for everything.”

It choked him up. He made a fist and tapped his chest. “What are you going to do without me?”

My Beetle picks up speed as I switch to the center lane. I have to make sure I don't miss my exit, 836
WEST
, to the airport. I've got a plane to catch.

To Tokyo.

It was easy to make my decision once I remembered what the Cheshire cat told Alice. She asked him, “Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?” And the cat answered, “That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.”

Easy answer.

Wonderland.

There's more than one, you know.