Brawler (31 page)

I cast Jenna a quick, worried look. She didn’t seem to be able to hear what Amanda was saying, but I switched the phone to my far ear just in case. “Okay”

“Good news all around. She got the place! Offer accepted, no conditions!”

“That’s good. No it’s great,” I amended with a smile.

“Now the paperwork starts. Endless piles of paperwork. Do you want me to mail it to you?”

“Yes. All of it to the address I gave you.

“She’ll need to sign a few of the papers,” she warned.

“I’ll see it’s taken care of.”

“Alright, hon. I’ll send it over. Tell her congratulations! You guys go celebrate!

“Thank you, Amanda.”

“Well?” Jenna demanded before I even ended the call.

I smiled at her. “You got it.”

“I got it!” she screamed, surprising me. She shocked me when she lunged at me, wrapping her arms around my neck and pressing her body hard against mine. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

I laughed nervously, grateful for my bulky coat that she still wore, keeping a barrier between her body and mine. I was also grateful for her touch. For the feeling of forgiveness in the way she held me. “Why are you thanking me?”

“Because I never would have done this without you.” She pulled back, still holding my shoulders and smiling like a maniac. “I’m probably going to fail horribly, but at least I tried and I wouldn’t have tried if it weren’t for you. So thank you, Kellen Riley Coulter. You are my champion.”

I reached up and tucked her hair behind her ear, her words knocking the wind out of me. “Well, Jenna Marie Monroe,” I told her quietly, “you are worth fighting for.”

I held her eyes, wishing I could stay there with her forever. Wishing I could tell her everything right then and there so I would never have to walk away from her again. So I could be whole and hers and I could start to heal with her there; my star in the sky that would guide me home when the dark was too much.

But I couldn’t. Not then. Not yet, and I ached like a bastard inside because of it. When I looked at her I felt every missing piece of me. Every part of me that should have been there to love her, to support her, to argue with her, to simply talk to her. But those pieces were gone and I didn’t know that I’d ever get them back, but I hoped I’d find a way around them. I hoped it’d be like the boxing and my hand – knowing my weakness and working through it. I would have to relearn every instinct, learn to lead with my left instead of my right, rise to meet her instead of sink to hide from her, and it’d take time. It’d take patience, from both her and I, but I knew we’d get there eventually, because she was still with me. Even after everything I’d put her through, she was still with me. Waiting patiently. Accepting what she didn’t understand because she understood me and that was all the explanation she needed.

I knew we’d get there because I’d never stop trying for her the way she had always, always, always tried for me. Because we had promised each other.

Because we were brawlers, and we didn’t know how to give up.

Three weeks later, Jenna’s shop opened and I wasn’t there.

It was wrong, but I had a good reason. I had an interview for an EMT job. It was a first step on the road I was taking to becoming a firefighter. Now that I had my EMT certificate, I’d use it to get job experience while I went to school studying Fire Technology. They said on average it should take two years, but I had a lot of core college classes already locked away, so yet again, I was starting ahead of the curve. It felt different this time, though. It wasn’t like law school. I wasn’t killing myself to rush through it and I wasn’t waking up in the middle of the night with my gut in my throat and my dinner on the floor by my bed. I didn’t feel perfect, I still had the anxiety, but it was getting better. I was riding the tide and letting my life go where it would, something that was terrifyingly easy.

And where it wanted to go ninety-nine point nine percent of the time was straight to Jenna.

I still texted her every four days, but I called her as well. I made an effort to be more present, even if I was afraid to be physically present. Long and short of it was, I wanted to sleep with her again. Even knowing I wouldn’t be any more emotionally there with her than I was the last time, I still wanted her. The image of her in her Silk Spectre costume haunted me day and night, and the memory of what it felt like to hold her against me only made it worse, but I didn’t want to go there again. Not until she knew what she was getting into. Until she knew how fucked up and filthy I was.

The day after the shop opened, Dan sent me pictures of the inside, of the cake, of Jenna being toasted and congratulated. She looked amazing. Glowing. I was so damn proud of her.

What did she decide to call the place?
I texted Dan.

North Star Ink. The logo is the same as her tattoo. Bryce says he’s suing for copyright infringement.

Tell him good luck.

I gave him my business card. I got your e-mail last night. Congrats on getting into the Fire Academy!

Thank you. It wasn’t easy.

Nothing great ever is. I was surprised to hear you had told Jenna about applying.

My palms sweated. I wiped them on my jeans.
I’m ready to tell her a lot of things. Everything.

Good man,
he replied immediately.
I’m proud of you.

I didn’t reply, but I stared at those words off and on for half an hour. Then I called Ben.

“I’m ready,” I told him breathlessly. “I have one last thing I want to do before we bring her into a session with us, but I’m ready.”

He didn’t hesitate. Didn’t give me time to chicken out. “How long?”

“Two weeks. Exactly two weeks and I’ll bring her and I’ll tell you both everything.”

“I’m marking my calendar.”

“I’m sweating bullets,” I joked shakily.

“She and I will both be there to support you. Not judge you, not fix you – support you as you take this step toward healing.”

“A year ago I would have laughed in your face for saying hippy shit like that.”

“A year ago you were a different man.”

And wasn’t that the hard, honest truth?

The next day I bought a truck. One with a large cab and plenty of seating where a person could sit next to me and talk to me, not ride behind me where I didn’t have to see or hear them the way I’d loved when I was with Laney. It was brand new, gleaming black and I immediately took it to a shop to get it screen printed and personalized, making it mine. Making a commitment to something.

I paid for it all with a check, using my dad’s money the way I’d done when I’d paid for Jenna’s building. She didn’t know that yet. It was another truth I’d have to tell.

***

Two weeks later, I was still looking for a job, but I was finishing up my paperwork for entering the Fire Academy. I’d still need to finish my coursework in Fire Technology, but with my EMT Certificate and the promise of completing the academy to earn my Certificate of Completion of California Firefighter 1, I was making a lot of progress. My life would get crazy soon with the work load of both school and the academy, but I was ready for it.

I was also ready to bring Jenna into therapy with me. I was ready to tell her the truth, about everything. At my last session, Ben and I had rehashed everything I’d told him so far. He knew everything about Jenna, Laney, and I. I filled in some of the gaps I’d left in our first session because back then, I honestly didn’t trust him with all of it.

Sitting there in front of him during that last session, I took trembling fingers to my phone and texted Jenna. All it said was a date, a time, and Ben’s address. She didn’t reply, but I knew she’d be there.

She pulled up in her SUV, stepping out and jingling her keys nervously as she scanned the shopping center parking lot for my bike. Her hair was down over her shoulders, whispering over her skin, the black color blending with her tattoos and giving them movement, making them look alive. Part of me wanted to stay in the truck or pull away before she saw me, but I jumped out and called her name before the coward in me could take control.

“Jenna.”

She turned toward me, smiling, then scowling in confusion when she saw the truck.

It was about to get worse.

I stepped out entirely, closing the door to let her see the decal on the side. It was a compass rose covered in brilliant purple lettering that read,
North Star Ink
with the phone number and address listed underneath.

Her jaw dropped. “I…”

“What do you think?” I asked, smiling at her shocked expression.

“About the truck or the free advertising?” she chuckled.

“Truck first, advertising second.”

She grinned. “Hot, and thank you. That’s unbelievable. I can’t believe you allowed purple on your car.”

“If your logo had been hot pink it’d be another story. That purple I can handle.”

“What happened to the bike?”

“It’s still around. I garaged it for now. This made more sense at the moment.”

She paused, her grin quivering hesitantly. “I heard you’re on the job hunt. Congrats on passing the exam.”

I was both a little relieved and annoyed that she already knew. “Your dad told you?”

“Yeah. Should he not have?”

“It’s fine. I was going to tell you when I had a job lined up.”

She smiled sadly. “Used to be you would have told me the hour it happened.”

“Yeah, I know,” I admitted softly, “but I… I have things I’ve been lining up. Things that… things you need to know about. Things I want you to know, but I haven’t…” I felt like I was drowning. I was choking on the thoughts and the words and I worried I’d never be able to do this. It wasn’t who I was and I didn’t know if it could be, even if I wanted it to be. “I know I’ve been distant. It’s not what you think, though. I have to… Fuck.”

“Kel, it’s okay.”

“It’s not,” I told her fiercely. “Not yet. But it will be, I swear.”

“I trust you.”

“Still?”

“Always.”

I stared at her in amazement, then pulled her to me and hugged her. It felt simple. Uncomplicated. Just Jenna in my arms and her impossible strength and faith in a black hearted son of a bitch like me that was scrabbling to be a better man. As I held her, as her strength leaked into my skin and my veins and my bones, I knew I could do this. I had to. For both of us.

I led her to Ben’s office, opening the door and letting her step inside first. I saw the confused look on her face when she read the name on the door, specifically when she read Ben’s title.

Family Therapist.

Nancy, Ben’s receptionist, was sitting behind the desk in the front when we stepped inside. She grinned slightly when she saw me.

“He’s waiting for you now,” she said, gesturing to the solid unmarked door to our right.

I nodded a thank you, then took Jenna’s hand in mine to lead her back to the room I knew so well. When we went inside, the room was dark – just as I’d asked Ben to make it – and Jenna squeezed my hand nervously. I held it tighter, hoping to reassure her.

“Kellen, right on time,” Ben said happily, standing to greet us. “And I see you have Jenna with you. Excellent.”

“Nice to meet you,” she said, shaking his hand.

“You as well. I’ve heard a lot about you. I’m Dr. Phillips. You can call me Ben if you prefer.”

“I don’t know yet,” she replied nervously.

“What has Kellen told you about our process? About what he has planned for tonight’s session?”

She looked at me helplessly and I felt bad for throwing her blindly into this. “I have no idea what’s happening. I’m getting that you’ve started therapy?”

I nodded silently, afraid to speak. It was getting real. The darkness was creeping in and the animal was getting angry. It knew why we were here.

“Okay. That’s good. Right?”

“I hope so,” I replied deeply.

“It’s wonderful,” Dr. Phillips interjected. “It’s the first step down a long road, but we’ve already been making progress.”

“How long have you been coming here?” she asked me.

“Since the day after we told Laney about us.”

It wasn’t entirely true, but it wasn’t exactly a lie either. In honesty, I’d been coming to see Ben since we’d kissed in the bathroom, but I didn’t want to lend more weight to that moment than we’d already given it, and to be fair, I hadn’t started talking about the things I really needed to work on until that session immediately after we’d had sex. To me, that was when the real therapy had begun. It was like the difference between the anniversary of your first date and the anniversary of the day you were married. I was more focused on when I’d really committed to what Ben and I were doing here.

“And you’re a family therapist?” Jenna asked Ben.

He shrugged noncommittally. “Normally, yes. I do deal with families and couples therapy. Marriage counseling. But Kellen and I have been doing some initial one on one, and now he’d like to involve you in the process.”

“We’re not married,” she told him bluntly.

He grinned. “I know that. That’s alright. I understand you have a long history, though, and Kellen has told me you’d both like to move forward in the relationship, but there are roadblocks.”

“I’m fucked up,” I clarified.

Jenna shot me a tense look. “You’re not.”

“I am.”

“He is a little,” Ben agreed.

Her jaw dropped. “Are you allowed to say that?”

“Evidently, yes,” he replied easily.

“Okay, well,” she said slowly, eyeing Ben with curiosity. “I’ll do whatever I can to help. What do you need from me?”

He pointed to a corner of the room where we had agreed he’d set up a chair for her. “I need you to sit silently in that corner for this entire session.”

She looked warily at the chair. “Am I on time out?”

“I can’t think about the fact that you’re here,” I explained plainly.

“Then why am I?”

“Because I need you to know some things. Things I can’t tell you. Do you remember the day on the sidewalk outside the gym when you covered my eyes and told me to pretend you weren’t there?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“I need you to do that again. Someday maybe I’ll be able to tell you the things I need to tell you while looking you in the eye. I hope I can, but for now, I know I can’t. So I need you to sit where I can’t see you so I can forget you’re there and you can hear the things you need to know about me.”

She looked at me for a long moment, her eyes searching mine. I held onto her and I tried to use the sight of her pure honesty to keep me buoyed to the surface, but I wasn’t sure it would last. Where we were about to go, I didn’t know if anything could keep me afloat.

“Okay.” She glanced at Ben. “So, I’ll go do that now? I’ll sit down over there?”

“And stay absolutely still and silent,” he reminded her.

“Alright.”

She moved to take her place in the chair, but I caught her arm as she passed me, looking into her face with all the gratitude I had in my body.

“Thank you,” I said seriously.

She grinned faintly. “No problem.”

“I mean it, Jen. I know it’s a strange thing to ask.”

“Kel,” she whispered, her eyes going watery, “I’d do anything for you.”

Right then, standing on the threshold of my worst nightmare, I understood that feeling.

I gently pulled her closer and pressed my lips to her forehead.

I sat down on the couch with my back to her as she took her place in the chair. With the room dark and quiet, it would be easy to forget she was there. Especially considering what I had agreed to do today. I wouldn’t have a lot of attention for anything else. The coward in me would be too consumed with fear, anger, and hate.

“There are things I’m going to say,” I explained to them both, sitting forward in my seat, “that I’m only ever going to say once. That’s why you’re both here.” I turned my face toward the corner of the room, careful not to see her. “Jenna, I need you to know all of it. I can’t promise I’ll ever talk about any of it again, but I’m saying it to you now. It’s not everything you want, it’s definitely not as much as you deserve and I know that, but it’s also not easy for me, and I hope it’s enough.”