Breakaway (27 page)

When she walked in the front doors of the arena, she gazed
around in wonder. The cavernous, empty building was such a contrast to the way
it was during a game, packed with people, buzzing with noise and energy. A few
of the food places were open, but only a couple of people sat drinking coffee
near the donut shop. As she crossed the concrete floor, she could hear noises
from the ice, the crack of a stick against the puck, the duller thud of the
puck hitting the goalie’s pads, the scratching of sharp skates on ice, echoing
voices.

“Go, go, go!” she heard a voice yell, presumably the coach.
She approached one of the entrances and stood there looking down at the ice.
Sounds echoed in the arena, bouncing off empty seats and the rafters high
above.

The players skated around in some kind of drill, taking
turns with the puck racing to the net. They weren’t wearing their uniforms, so
she couldn’t find Jason. She walked down a few steps lower, right behind the
bench in the section she’d sat in during the games she’d attended, searching
for him with her eyes.

Frustrated at how they all looked alike, her eyes finally
lighted on one of the biggest guys, who’d just skated to the bench and stood
talking to the coach, his hands resting on the top of his stick. There he was.

She blinked, clasped her hands together and watched him. She
couldn’t hear what he was saying, just the animated tone of his voice and the
coach nodding.

And then he looked up at her.

She froze. Her fingers tightened around themselves and she
held his gaze.

He’d stopped talking and then the coach turned his head to
see what Jason was staring at. He said something to Jason, who nodded, eyes
still on Remi.

Her stomach flipped and flopped and her hands shook.

“Okay we’re done!” the coach yelled. Some of the players
ignored him and kept skating around, one of them gave another a playful body
check and another fell to the ice as if exhausted and lay there spread-eagled.
Remi smiled faintly.

Jason took his gloves off and beckoned to her. She slowly
stepped down the wide concrete steps, watching him, until she was right at the
boards beside the bench.

“Hi,” he said. “What’re you doing here?”

“Looking for you.”

“Oh.”

He was even huger than usual, the skates adding inches to
his height, the equipment adding bulk to his body.

“I wanted to talk to you, but this probably isn’t a good
time.” Seeing the intensity of the practice reminded her of the importance of
the game tomorrow night. She probably should have just left him alone until the
playoffs were done.

“We’re done.”

“Yeah, but…the game tomorrow…I don’t want to distract you…”

A glimmer of a smile passed over his mouth. “Yeah. That’s
what Coach just said to me. Don’t get distracted.”

“I’m sorry.” She turned to leave.

“Wait.” She turned back to him. “I’ll be more distracted if
I don’t know why you came here. Gimme fifteen minutes to change and shower.” He
lifted his arms and his mouth quirked up. “You don’t want to come near me until
I shower. Trust me.”

She nodded.

“I’ll meet you on the concourse,” he said. “By the donut
shop. Okay?”

His eyes regarded her watchfully and she noticed his fingers
were shaking too when he stuffed his gloves under one arm to skate off the ice.

What was she doing? She might be crazy. But she had to tell
him some things. Some important things.

She ordered a coffee that she didn’t want and sat alone at a
small table sipping the tasteless liquid. She heard the Zamboni rev up and
drive onto the ice, its motor humming as it circled the surface. A couple of
guys emerged from a door across from her and she didn’t know who they were, but
they looked like hockey players, bearded and damp. Looked like nobody shaved
during the playoffs. That wasn’t a tradition she was completely in favor of,
but oh well.

Then Jason came out, his face darkened with his beard,
longer than stubble now. On him, it looked good. Remi shook her head. His hair
too was damp from shower. He wore his leather jacket and a pair of jeans and
sneakers.

She watched him look for her, then spot her, and she swore
he was relieved when he did. He started toward her with his long, athletic
gait. Her heart swelled in her chest so big it hurt. God, she loved this man.

Her eyes smarted and she blinked hard. She was not going to
cry anymore. Dammit.

“D’you want to stay here and talk?” he asked, stopping in
front of her so she had to look way up in to his face. “Or go somewhere else?”

“Um…maybe we could go somewhere else.”

“My place is close. We can walk.”

“Okay.” She’d just leave her car. She could come back for it
later.

They emerged into afternoon brightness, blinking a little
after the gloomy arena, the downtown streets busy with traffic and pedestrians.
They started down the sidewalk toward Jason’s apartment building, only a few
blocks away.

The sun warmed them with increasing strength and the breeze
that lifted Remi’s hair felt gentle like spring.

“So what did you want to talk about?” he asked. Their hands
swung at their sides as they walked and she wished he would take her hand and
hold it. But he didn’t. She pressed her lips together, stomach a mass of
twisting nerves.

“Let’s just get to your place,” she said, not even sure what
she was going to say to him. “How did your practice go?”

“It was okay. Everyone’s kinda tense. We lost again last
night.”

“I know. I watched.”

“Oh.”

“But you played well.”

“Yeah, I did okay.” He shook his head. “But we gotta get our
shit together tomorrow night or we’re done.”

“You can do it.”

He looked at her and smiled. “Thanks. Maybe you should come
to the game. Last time I think you brought me luck.”

She laughed. “I doubt I did.”

They rode up the elevator in his high-rise building, her
remembering the first time she’d been there and they’d been all over each
other. Her tummy did a little flip low down. Her breathing shallow, she tried
to focus on drawing air into her lungs.

Jason led the way in. Sunlight flooded through the wall of
windows, the view beyond spectacular, all the way to Lake Michigan in the hazy
distance. She smiled at all his exercise equipment taking up half the space,
the other half filled with leather couch and electronic equipment.

“Have a seat,” he said, his jaw tight.

She sat on the couch and set her purse on the floor. “So.”

He sat beside her, but not touching, eyeing her as if she
was alternately a bomb that might explode or a meal he wanted to devour.

She twisted her fingers together again. “I wanted to talk to
you.”

“Uh-huh.”

Hell. She’d already said that.

“I’ve been doing some thinking. About you and…Brianne.” She
forced the name out through stiff lips. “And the baby.”

He leaned back and lifted a brow. “Really? Me too.”

Was that sarcasm? She licked her lips. “Maybe this is none
of my business, but I don’t want to see you make a big mistake.”

He frowned. “Like what?”

“Like…I know you want to do the right thing and I know you’re
going to take responsibility and be a father to your child, but…oh shit.” Tears
filled her eyes again.

“What, Remi?” Now he leaned forward and reached for her
hands. His were big and warm on her clammy ones.

“Dammit,” she sobbed. “All I do is cry lately. I hate this!”
She drew in a shuddering breath. “I know you want to take responsibility and
man up to the consequences of your actions and all that, but Jase, I don’t
think getting back together with Brianne is the right thing for you. For any of
you, even the baby.” She grimaced at him, brows drawn down, sniffing. “I’m sure
Brianne is a lovely person,” she continued. “But don’t you think it would be a
big mistake to get back together with her for the sake of your baby?”

“Yup.”

“Because I… What?” She stared at him.

“Yup, that would be a huge fucking mistake,” he agreed,
regarding her soberly. “I already figured that out, Remi.”

“You did?”

“Hell, yeah. Big mistake. Huge motherfucking mistake.”

“Oh.”

He smiled at her. “You telling me this because you still want
me for yourself?”

She snuffled out a laugh. “Actually, no.”

“What?” He scowled.

“I do love you Jase.” She touched his cheek. “You told me
you couldn’t be with me, and if that’s how you feel, I respect that. I’ve done
a lot of thinking too. But my main reason for coming here and talking to you
was just to keep you from making that mistake, from sacrificing too much. Not
to try to hold on to you.”

“I was coming to see you after the practice.”

“You were?”

“Yeah. To tell you I’d realized I couldn’t get back with
Brianne. To see if you still wanted me.” Her heart expanded in her chest,
stealing her breath as she watched his face. “But…big ‘but’…” He paused. She
met his agonized gaze. “I don’t know if I can ask that much of you.”

“Ask what?”

“Brianne has to be in my life,” he continued, voice low. “She’s
going to have my baby. It’s not what I would have chosen, but it’s there.
Somehow we’re going to have to be parents to this child together. Not married.
Not as a couple. But somehow. We talked about it today.”

“You did?”

“Mmm.” He let out a long sigh. “I couldn’t go back to her. I
just couldn’t. I knew how miserable we both would be. That wouldn’t be right.
It wouldn’t be fair.”

“I know! That’s just what I was thinking too!” She palmed
his beard-roughened cheek. “That’s what I came to tell you!”

“You came to save me from that?” His eyes twinkled.

“Yes.”

“Oh, Remi. I love you so much.”

She looked down at her hands, then up. “I love you too, Jase.”

“I don’t want to lose you, Remi,” he said quietly. “I told you
we couldn’t be together because I hadn’t figured things out, but now I have,
I…I want to be with you. But my life is so screwed up. It’s a lot to ask, but
d’you think you could still be with me?”

She nodded, lips quivering, almost afraid to believe what
she was hearing. “Oh god yes! I love you, Jase! I know this won’t to be easy.
Not for any of us. I hate it—I fucking
hate
it—that she’s having your
baby. It makes me feel sick when I think about it. I’m not going to deny that.”

He nodded somberly. “I hate it too,” he said. “Because I
wish it was you who was pregnant.”

“Oh.” Her heart missed a beat, then accelerated unevenly. Oh
god, she wished that too. But she’d come to some other realizations lately too.
“Oh Jase.”

Their eyes met and held and then he hauled her onto his lap
and she melted against him as he kissed her, tipping her chin up and slanting
his mouth across hers. She pressed into him, held on tight to him, kissed him
back hungrily, desperately, deeply.

When they drew apart, breathing heavily, he rested his
forehead against hers.

“You said this was the worst thing that could happen,” she
said. “But it’s not. I know that now. It’s really not.”

“Yeah. I know.” He cupped the back of her head and she felt
his hand trembling. “But it’s going to be hard,” he said roughly. “I’m going to
want to share custody of the baby. I’m going to want to spend time with him or
her. I have a weird job and I travel a lot and I’m not sure what that’s going
to look like. I’ll help Brianne financially of course, not that she needs it,
but I will.”

“Of course.”

“That’s not an issue, but…being a father…I don’t know how
the hell to do that.”

“I don’t think anyone does,” she whispered, stroking her
fingers through his hair. “Until they’re doing it. You just do it. And do the
best you can.”

“I can do it if you’re with me,” he said. “If you’re sure.
Like I said, it’s a lot to ask of you.” He drew back to look at her and
uncertainty darkened his eyes. “I’ve already asked so much of you. Putting up
with puck bunnies and paparazzi and injuries.”

“I’m sure.”

He hugged her tightly again. “Thank Christ. I can’t wait
until we have babies of our own.”

Her heart stuttered. “Well, I hope you’re not in a hurry for
that.” She smiled and met his eyes. “The funny thing is, all I’ve ever wanted is
to be a mother. I love kids. I love babies. I love looking after people. As you
know.” She gave him a roll of the eyes and he smiled back at her. “But…you made
me see it, Jase. I…” Her throat tightened. “I’ve been holding on to Jasmine and
Kyle, protecting them too much, doing too much for them…because you were right.”
It was hard to say the words out loud never mind admit them in her own head,
but she did it. “I liked being needed. When they both moved out, it was
devastating for me, because my whole life was wrapped up in them, looking after
them. That’s who I was. But I’ve decided I need to find out who I am before I
become a mother.”

“Oh.” His eyes filled with understanding. “Oh, Remi. You’re
an amazing person. You have so much love inside you, so much caring. I told you
before, you’ll be an awesome mom.”

“I will.” They both laughed. “But first I want to do things
for me. I want to have fun. I want to have love. With you.” She kissed him. “I
want to ride Ferris wheels and build teddy bears. I want to travel. Will you
take me places, Jase?”

“I’ll take you anywhere you want.”

They kissed again, long and sweet and clinging. Remi shook
and burned inside for him, a huge swelling of relief and love and longing for
him inside her.

“I’ve been acting like such an idiot,” Jason murmured
against her hair long moments later. “So unprofessional—letting my personal
life interfere with my professional life. Dan had to ream my ass the other day
to make me see straight. I was letting everybody down.”

“Yeah, you were kind of acting stupid.”