Breaking Dawn (4 page)

‘Sure.’

‘Great. My dad’s letting me borrow his car. I’ll pick you up at noon.’

‘I didn’t know you could drive.’

‘I passed last week. But don’t worry, I’m a good driver.’

‘That’s what they all say.’ I laugh.

As soon as I put the phone down, Perry gives me
the look
. He wants me to feel like I’m abandoning him. I guess that in a way, I am.

‘He speaks loud enough on the phone,’ Perry says.

‘You heard?’

Again
the look
. Then he takes the remote and starts flipping through the channels. I refuse to let him ruin this for me. I’m sure that once Perry gets a boyfriend, he will want to spend as much time with
him
as possible too. This is just the beginning of my first relationship, I don’t want to do anything to
stunt its growth. Does he expect me to stay single and all his forever?

‘It’s not like I’m going to spend the entire day with him.’ I want to reason with him and be able to leave without him making me feel guilty. ‘We can do stuff later and maybe I’ll come back with some juicy gossip.’

Perry seems to soften his glare with that. ‘I do want to check out that new store at the mall,’ he says. ‘And maybe we can grab a bite to eat.’

‘It’s a date.’

Although I am desperate to leave right away, I don’t want it to appear that way. So I spend another long hour with Perry, watching some cheesy B-rated sci-fi movie, which is actually our weekend norm. But I don’t enjoy it as much as I normally would. I would usually be making fun of the bad acting, but I am too distracted, thinking about my date. What can I wear? What will it be like sitting in a dark cinema with Brian, sharing popcorn and holding hands?

After a while I go upstairs to get dressed and apply some light make-up. A white hooded sweater and some khakis, and my hair pulled up into a loose pony tail. Yeah, I look good.

Perry leaves just minutes before Brian arrives. My parents are uncomfortable about sending me off with an inexperienced driver so I have to stand idly by as Dad speaks to Brian about his driving experience and safety issues. Dad obviously isn’t going to let some inexperienced teenager take off with his baby girl without giving him the third degree. I am somewhat amused by it all. However, Brian’s a smooth talker and he knows how to work my parents so that they feel at ease. I find myself impressed by his tact.

Well, Saturday doesn’t turn out exactly as I imagine. Brian and I end up seeing a movie, going to lunch at the mall, doing a little bit of shopping and afterwards I go back to his house for dinner, where I meet his parents and his little sister. His parents are the ritzy type, but they are very nice to
me. His sister is, well, a prissy little
eight-year-old
who acts out against my presence in her home. It is interesting.

It’s almost nine o’clock when Brian takes me home. The day has gone by so fast and I just don’t want it to end. We kiss goodnight – for about five minutes – in his car, and I finally go inside to find my parents in the living room. They are livid. Mom is looking at me and shaking her head disapprovingly.

‘Perry waited here two hours for you and you couldn’t even call?’ Mom stands up and crosses her arms over her chest. She looks at me with her bug-eyed, tight-lipped expression. The one I get whenever she is upset with me.

Okay, I screwed up. What could I say that would make this better?

‘I’m sorry.’

Why does everyone have to make me feel bad for spending time with Brian?

‘I lost track of time. I’ll call Perry in the morning.’

‘He’s very upset with you,’ Dad says, keeping his composure better than Mom. ‘You should never just ditch your friends like that. Especially for a boy you’ve only just started seeing.’

I am waiting for this. Here is the problem; my parents like Perry because my virginity is never threatened when I’m with him. And with Brian, well, that’s a totally different story.

‘Brian seems like a… nice boy,’ Mom says. ‘But maybe we should have a little talk first, before you see him again.’

And here is where Mom follows me up to my room for a
girl talk
. Mom went into detail. I think she was trying to scare me away from the very thought of having sex, and I listen and nod and respond the way I think she expects me to. All the while I am wondering how it can be that my happiness is bringing such misery to others? Who has
the problem here? All I want is to spend time with my boyfriend and do typical teenager stuff. Why should that upset people?

The next morning I call Perry’s house and leave half a dozen messages on his machine. He’s mad at me. I wait until the afternoon and when he doesn’t return any of my calls, I call Brian and talk on the phone for about an hour with him.

Brian wants me to come hang out with him, but I doubt my parents would like that very much, especially after yesterday. I tell him they are upset with me for coming in late and not calling, but I don’t go into any details. Instead, I decide to take a walk over to Perry’s house, nearly half a mile away. I bundle up in my parka, gloves and scarf, but it is still too cold for my liking. In warmer weather, it’s not such a bad walk, but the bitter wind makes it unbearable today.

When I get to Perry’s one-storey brick bungalow, I knock on the front door. No answer. I knock again, even harder. I think
I see the blinds move, but no one answers. Yeah, he’s mad at me.

It’s far too cold for me to wait outside. If he can’t get over his anger and let me in, I’m not going to beg. It’s too cold to mess around.

I walk on for a few more blocks and find a pay phone at the public library, where I go inside to warm up. I call Brian and I ask him to come pick me up if he can. I’m not going to waste my day trying to get Perry to talk to me. Once he’s had time to cool off, I’ll try again, but for now, I’m going to embrace the day.

Monday morning, I’m standing on the kerb waiting for the school bus and feeling like a new person. I am confident, energised and up on my pedestal. I feel like this is the me I always wanted to be. I wonder what Perry will think of this new me. But I feel too good and I don’t want Perry to ruin my mood. I am fairly certain he is still angry with me; and Perry can carry a grudge for a long time. I know this from experience. Even best friends get angry with each other from time to time.

When the bus arrives and those narrow doors creak open, the driver gives me the usual indifferent stare. But I feel an inner
confidence that I’m sure everyone notices as I walk down the narrow aisle towards Perry. I hover, hesitating by the free seat next to him.

‘Is this seat taken?’ I ask, as if he were a stranger.

He forces out a weak smile and shakes his head. ‘This is still your seat.’

I sit down next to him. I feel a little uncomfortable, but I want to clear the air. I don’t want him to be mad at me and I don’t want to feel guilty.

‘As friends go… I know I’ve sucked lately and I’m sorry.’

He shrugs, ‘I’m over it. I don’t have the energy to be mad any more.’

‘My energy’s pretty depleted too.’ I am relieved we can move on. We can at least act as though there was never a problem between us.

We talk on through the stops but when it comes to Brian’s house, Perry gets quiet. I try to appear indifferent as Brian boards the bus. He keeps his eyes on me the entire time, smiling as he makes his way down the aisle. He sits a few seats behind us, next to Gary. I have to fight an urge to run back and sit across from him. I want to so bad! But Perry would never forgive me if I abandoned him on the bus too.

Over the following few weeks, and even through the Christmas break, balancing my relationships with Perry and Brian is a struggle. At times I feel pretty high on life, with two handsome boys demanding my attention. What girl wouldn’t enjoy that? With Perry, it is always just the two of us, solitary teeny-boppers, messing around and having fun. With Brian, I am slowly working my way into his clique – the popular kids. Perry hates the popular kids.

As I start to socialise with Brian’s clique more, I begin to feel an invisible wall come between Perry and me. I can’t even talk about any of my new friends without a
wisecrack or downright insult from Perry. Eventually, when I get the hint – well, several hints – that he doesn’t want to talk about any of my new friends, I don’t talk much about anything. I don’t know what to talk about. It’s almost as if I’ve completely forgotten the things that Perry and I used to enjoy talking about and doing together. My mind is always on the fun I have with Brian and my new friends. Perry has become more of a guilty obligation than anything.

I can’t recall exactly when this change of feeling occurred. The feelings that I thought I would have forever with Perry were suddenly diminishing. Although I still love him and want him in my life, I’ve become tired of constantly choosing between my friends and him, and watching what or who I talk about around him. My only wish is for everyone to get along, so we can all hang out together and I can stop dividing up all my time and energies. Perry won’t hear of it though. He just won’t consort with Brian or his friends in any way, manner, shape or form.

I am exhausted.

One day, I am over at Perry’s house – a very rare event, but his mom is off with a boyfriend for the weekend and he has the house to himself. It is a nice house on the outside, but the inside could really use some work. I know Perry tries his best to keep his house from looking like a pig sty. His mom definitely doesn’t care. Perry has more burdens than a fifteen-year-old should have to bear. But at least with his mom gone for the weekend, he is free to be himself.

I’ve brought a bag of groceries over for us to share since his mom hasn’t left him any money and the fridge is nearly empty. Actually, I guess the fridge would be considered full if I counted all the spoiled foods that should have been in the bin. Sometimes I feel like Perry’s mom expects me and my parents to take care of him.

Normally I like it when his mom has gone and we have the house to ourselves. Even though it gets incredibly boring with no cable and just a pair of rabbit ears and bad reception. This time is different. I just
don’t want to stay as long as I used to. I want to go so much that it shows.

After we finish our lunch of toasted cheese sandwiches and tomato soup, I become restless. I don’t want to appear restless, but I do suck at hiding it. Just when I am about to tell him I am ready to leave, he takes my hand and pulls me up off the couch, where we are eating and watching fuzzy television.

‘I want to show you something,’ Perry says.

I follow him to his room. He has a small bedroom. Clothes cover the floor, and vintage movie posters plaster the wall –
Pretty In Pink, St Elmo’s Fire, The Breakfast Club
, and just about everything with Molly Ringwald in it. His bed is a mess of sheets, clothes and magazines. Off in a corner is an old desk with small piles of paper. He has been writing a story about his life – about being a gay teenager and coping with an alcoholic mom. He wants to show me that he’s finally finished it. All 387 pages.

‘I want you to be the first to read it and give me your opinion.’

I smile. I’m happy that he’s finished it. He’s been working on this for two years. Perry is a good writer and I always enjoy reading the things he writes about. I used to try to encourage him to work for the school newspaper, but he hates just about every student on the newspaper’s staff. If he could only get over hating those kids, he would be a great asset for the newspaper. He’d have to get them to like him too.

‘Can I take it home with me? You know I can’t read all this right now.’

‘Yeah, go ahead. Just don’t let anyone else see it. There’s some really personal stuff in there that I don’t want anyone else to see.’

‘It won’t leave my bedroom.’

Brian comes over later that night. He has a social studies assignment that he says he needs help with. Actually, this is just the excuse he needed to get out of babysitting his
little sister. And to spend some time with me in my room. We lay out the books and papers on my desk and as far as my parents are concerned, it’s just homework. We actually spend the time making out, with the radio on to cover all the giggling. After a couple of hours I step out to get us drinks from the kitchen. Mom is at the sink washing the dishes.

‘How’s it going up there?’ she asks.

I don’t know if GUILTY is printed boldly on my forehead or if she has a sixth sense, but I get the feeling that she knows we’re not studying.

‘It’s good.’ I avoid eye contact as I dive into the fridge to pull out two cans and check out the shelves for snacks.

‘I was a teenager once too, you know,’ Mom says.

I risk a glance her way. She knows and it’s obvious. I wonder if I can pick up where I’ve left off with Brian, knowing that she knows.

‘I know.’ I just want to make a quick exit without giving her a reason to follow me back upstairs or to come knocking on the door. ‘You know, as teenagers go, I’m pretty responsible.’

She drops the dishcloth in the sink and looks at me, forcing out a half smile. ‘I know.’

Before I can make my escape, the phone rings. It’s Perry. He wants to come over because he’s lonely in an empty house. He sure has rotten timing. I talk with him for a few minutes and tell him that Brian and I are studying up in my room. He goes quiet.

‘For how long?’

‘I don’t know.’ I’m tired of cutting my time short with Brian, just for Perry.

He is silent for a long time. I don’t know what else to say. I just want to go back up to my room to continue where I left off with Brian.

‘Fine. Go have your fun, I’ll be okay on
my own.’

I’ve had enough of the emotional blackmail and I snap. ‘You know what Perry? I’m tired of dividing up my time between everyone and I’m tired of you making me feel bad for having a boyfriend.’

There, I’ve said it. I’ve got it off my chest. I huff and wait for Perry’s response to that. There’s just a click and a dial tone. He’s hung up on me.

I go back upstairs and slip into my room, closing the door behind me. I set the drinks on my desk. Brian is sitting on my bed, reading something. He is so engrossed in the material that he doesn’t look up when I enter the room. It takes me a minute before I realise what he’s reading. In a panic, I rip the papers from his grasp. Brian is just looking up at me and he seems a little shocked.

‘Tell me that’s fiction,’ he says.

‘You shouldn’t have read this.’ My heart
is pounding hard in my chest. This is bad. Real bad.

‘Dawn – tell me that Perry writes fiction.’

I toss the manuscript onto my desk. I am trying to think up a lie, one that would save Perry from embarrassment and at the same time not destroy my relationship with Brian. But all that goes through my mind is how screwed Perry will be if Brian goes back to school with this information and how I stand to lose Brian and my new friends.

‘All these years in gym class, the changing rooms, the shower…’ Brian looks away. He’s thinking. ‘The Christmas dance…’ He looks up at me with a twisted look of disgust. ‘I never thought I could be as freaked out as I am right now.’

‘Perry’s a good guy.’ I know I should say more, but the words don’t come.

‘He’s a fag!’ Brian blurts out.

‘He’s my friend.’ I haven’t been the model
friend to Perry lately, but he’s still my friend and I want to defend him.

‘You knew about all this?’

Well yeah, I’ve known for about forever. I can see that Brian is just as mad at me as he is with Perry. Then just as I think he is beginning to calm down, he dodges around me and grabs the manuscript off my desk again, turning his back to me as I try to get it back. He is flipping through the pages.

‘That’s not yours to read!’ I yell at him.

‘It is when it has my name in it.’

‘Brian, stop!’ It’s not easy for a skinny little twig of a girl to compete with the broad back of a well-built athlete. ‘Stop it!’

I must have started shouting because the next thing I know, Mom flings the door open. We both stop and swing our heads to look at her. Her presence diffuses the moment. Resigned, Brian tosses the manuscript over to my bed and leaves. My mom steps to the
side and allows him to pass, and then looks at me.

‘I thought you were in trouble,’ she says.

‘I am. But not the kind you’re thinking about.’

I’m looking at the manuscript now. Brian couldn’t have read much, but there was enough in those few pages to condemn Perry to a living hell. If Brian speaks to Gary about this, then Perry’s little secret will be all over the school by morning.

Now that it’s morning, I try to call Perry before he gets on the bus. I’m thinking that we can skip the bus and walk to school together. Or better yet, play hooky. My stomach is twisting in knots. I’m just dreading the sound of the bus horn.

The walk down to the kerb to where the bus is waiting makes me feel as though I am walking into an execution chamber. A little
vomit creeps up my throat that I instantly force back down.

When I board the bus, I see Perry sitting in our usual seat, smiling at me and moving his bag to the side to make room for me. For a minute I want to sigh in relief that he isn’t mad any more. But he doesn’t know about the violation of his privacy yet. In less than 10 minutes, we will be stopping at Brian’s house.

‘I was going to ask what you thought about my manuscript, but you look as sick as a dog,’ Perry says. ‘I take it you had a busy night?’

I know that he is referring to me going all the way with Brian – which I didn’t – but I really did wish he was right and that is all we have to talk about. I don’t know how to break it to him about the manuscript without a hysterical outburst that will draw attention from everyone on the bus. I look over to him but say nothing. His smile fades.

‘What did you do?’ He practically growls at me and it’s like he suspects the truth.

I look around, making sure no one is paying attention. ‘Brian saw it,’ I squeak.

For the first time in forever, I think that Perry is going to slap me. I wince in anticipation as I watch his expression turn from fury to embarrassment and back. I quietly explain how it happened and before he has a chance to respond, the bus is pulling up in front of Brian’s house. I watch as Brian boards the bus, walks down the narrow aisle towards us. Before he passes us, he stops and leans down to speak to me.

‘We need to talk,’ he says, glancing pointedly at Perry who is concentrating on the view beyond the window.

I only nod. Indeed, we do need to talk.

When we arrive at school and everyone is filing off the bus, I tell Perry to go on ahead without me and that I will catch up with him later. He goes on ahead without
even acknowledging me. I walk with Brian, away from the crowds. We are far from everybody when he takes my arm. We stop and he looks me dead in the eye.

‘Dawn, I really like you,’ he says. ‘But if this is going to work out between us, Perry has got to go.’