Breaking Down Sydney (Sydney West #2) (13 page)

A shiver ran down my spine as I thought about what would happen if we were in a horror movie.

He made a sound that sounded like a deep throated laugh. “Don’t tell me you thought I’d murder you and leave you out here.”

“I was thinking of a serial killer getting us both, but now I’m thinking differently,” I said playfully, giving him a quick kiss. “But seriously, why?”

His hands drifted down to my lower back, pulling me in closer. “I wanted to stand under the stars with you,” he whispered into my ear.

“But we could on campus.”

“Not like this. We can see the constellations, we can see Venus.” He pointed to the horizon. “It’s that bright dot over there.”

“It’s beautiful. I’ve always loved stargazing,” I said, looking up at the sea of stars above us.

“It’s one of nature’s most precious gifts that is always overlooked thanks to the bright lights of city life.”

I turned to face Jason, looking into the deep silver pools of his eyes. “I’m sorry for earlier. My fallback when shit hits the fan is to go to a party, but that’s not me anymore. You don’t have to worry. I’m never doing that again.”

He brushed the pad of his thumb over my lips. “Syd, I know you. I wish you could see how I see you.” He paused for a second. “I’m sorry about the only child line. I—”

“Don’t worry about it,” I murmured, parting my lips and nibbling his finger vivaciously. He laughed, but it sounded broken, sorrowful almost.

“You have to know I love you even if I suck at showing it sometimes,” I said, raking my nails into Jason’s back. His spine arched, making his chest mash into mine.

“I trust you, though you do seem to like to test me,” he replied, wiping away a tear that escaped my grasp. “I know it hurts. You can drink and scream all you want, but with me, okay? I’ll buy you Jack, Jim, whoever and we’ll get drunk with each other.”

“How about a bottle of Jason?” I took his bottom lip into my mouth, sucking it as if he tasted like the sweetest candy. I loved to play with his lip ring with my tongue.

“You’re more beautiful than all those stars,” he whispered against my lips.

Chapter Twenty

My great-aunt Susan planned my father’s funeral. She knew I wasn’t able to handle such a duty. Guess my mom told her I hadn’t taken his death well. I was fine with it; the less I had to do, the better. I invited Jason, Amelia, and Hunter to join me. I needed all the support I could get.

The church was littered with red roses, my father’s favorite color, though he wasn’t a fan of flowers. The minister stood on the stage holding his Bible close to his chest. I looked around the room and saw who came to pay their respects. In the far back, I saw addicts, my father’s friends. In the pew behind me were my great-aunt Susan and her husband. They both looked melancholy. The next few rows further back held my father’s brother and sister-in-law with all their kids. There were other people scattered around I didn’t know. Some people were crying while others blew their nose.

Mom held my right hand in a firm grip, as if she was in pain. She sat up straight in her black dress. I think she was looking at the cross hanging above the stage. I knew she was sad. She shared nineteen years of marriage with my father and they dated three years before that. He was an asshole, but that was still a lot of shared time together. Who knew what was running through her mind.

Jason sat to my left, letting me rest my cheek on his shoulder. Amelia and Hunter were next to Jason. We were all seated in the front row. The minister began, talking about the afterlife and my father being with God. I tuned out the sermon. I just wanted to go home and crawl under my blanket to shut everything out.

I closed my eyes, imagining being somewhere else, anywhere else. Jason nudged me. I sat up and gave him a look. He nodded toward the minister.

“Would you like to say any words about your father, dear?” the minister asked, giving me a smile.

My mouth went dry, as if I’d swallowed cotton.
What could I say? I don’t want to lie in the House of God.

I couldn’t tell everyone how good my father was to me. There were no sweet stories to share, not unless they wanted to hear about us watching mindless films and TV together or playing racecar video games. At times we took his monster truck out to the desert after it rained to have fun in the mud. In all my life, the only time he was a good dad was when I was sick and coughing all night. Anytime I had a bad cough attack, he took care of me and my mom cried about never getting any sleep. Later I learned he was so nice because his mom coughed a lot when she was sick and he took care of her until she passed away.

But I couldn’t share any of that. They wanted to hear about him teaching me to play baseball or showing me what a good man looked like. They wanted me to talk about how I got this far in life because he was an inspiration. That was all bullshit.

Did they want to know the bad things? Of course not. This was a funeral. The dead only had good tales told about them. In that regard, there were no words to say. I shook my head and the minister nodded. He probably thought I was too grief-stricken to speak.

Afterwards, everyone walked by my father’s closed casket and laid a rose upon it. I went last. The room was empty. It was only Jason, my deceased father, and me. I laid my rose down and stared at it.

Jason snaked his arm around my waist, keeping me grounded. “You have a lot of things suppressed. Now is the time to let it out. Don’t let your thoughts and feelings eat at you, Syd.”

I nodded. “There is so much left unsaid. I hate him for what he did to my mom and me. He cast us out. He cared for everyone
but
us. Now here he lies and I know I should pity him except all I feel is relief. I’m sickened that I do.” I burst into tears. Jason pulled me into his chest.

“Shh, it’s okay. Let it out.” He petted my hair like I was a child.

“Can you take me home? I don’t want to be at the burial or the wake.”

“Of course. I’ll text Amelia so she can inform people not to expect us.”

Jason walked me to the car. I listened to the music as he texted Amelia. When we hit the road, I stared out at nothing. I felt hollow, like a huge spoon had scooped out all that was me.

What was I supposed to do with all the things I still wanted to say? Swallow them and have them haunt me forever? My father would never fully understand how I felt about him. That darkened my soul a bit.

My father was never going to see me graduate from college. He wasn’t going to be there if I ever decided to get married and have that special father-daughter dance. I was never going to be able to forgive him or learn why he hurt my mom and me. I had to carry that with me always.

Would this feeling of betrayal and abandonment ever leave? It was funny, on the ironic side, that I felt worse with my father gone. For so long, I thought his death would be a burden off my shoulders. Now I felt the weight of all the words I never said.

Jason took my hand at a red light, rubbing circles on my palm. “What do you want? Please don’t say liquor. I’ll only buy food.”

He deserved a smile, but my mouth wasn’t working. “I could go for ice cream right now.”

Jason dropped my hand and squeezed my thigh. “Sounds tasty,” he replied, moving into the right lane after passing by the green light.

I closed my eyes and pictured myself lying on the beach. All I wanted was peace, to have nothing eating away at me.

We pulled into the drive-through of Dairy King. “What kind of ice cream do you want?” Jason asked, shattering my thoughts.

“Umm…” I squinted to see the lit-up menu. “Mint with snicker bits.”

“Okay.”

Jason ordered my ice cream and got a sundae for himself. I had to hold both as we drove to my dorm. To cheer me up, Jason played an Emilie Autumn CD for me, as if knowing the voices in my head were trying to drive me insane.

Once inside the dorm, we sat down on my bed, still in our clothes from the funeral.

I stirred my ice cream, mixing the snickers with the mint, and said, “I feel terrible leaving Amelia and Hunter at the funer—”

“I’m sure they understand. Amelia texted me to say they were going out to eat and then coming over to check on you.” Jason gave my shoulder a squeeze before putting a spoonful of ice cream in his mouth.

My own dessert was delicious, but my sorrow dug deep within me. It was hard to know if I’d ever feel right or whole again. I couldn’t believe I’d never have a face-to-face conversation with my father to tell him how I felt. It was a relief to say some things at his bedside, but I’d never know if he heard me. I had to hope some of my words got through. For years I wanted to shout in his face about how he put me last and how shitty of a dad he was, but now all I could do was yell at a stone with his name engraved on it.

Jason sat close enough to me that his leg touched mine. “Sydney, you’re going to make it through this. Things happen for a reason.”

I threw a weak smile at him. “Yeah, God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle,” I said bitterly.

Jason wrapped his strong arm around my waist. “There are stages of grief, and I’m here for all of them. I’ll always be here for you.”

I leaned over and kissed his cheek. He turned his head and greeted me with his cold lips. He tasted like chocolate and mint. This boy loved me and wanted to see me through my pain. How many girls were given a gift like that?

“I’m thankful for you, Jason King. You saved me from myself.” I melted into him.

We tossed our empty ice cream cups to the ground. Jason’s tongue stroked my ear. His lip ring tickled. That sinful touch alone was almost my undoing. Passion ignited inside me, driving me wild.

“You’re perfect,” Jason whispered, sealing his mouth over mine.

Our tongues tangled, wrestling for control. For as long as I could remember, I wanted to dominate when it came to sex, but it wasn’t bad to give in to someone as sexy and genuine as Jason.

He reached under my shirt, pulling it off. I hungrily unbuttoned his jeans and went for his boxers to free him. He took my wrist, stopping me. “Tonight is all about you,” he murmured.

I didn’t quite understand until he forced me on my back. He explored my bare stomach with his fingers, gliding up to my breasts. He unhooked my bra and tossed it away. He captured my nipple between his thumb and pointer finger, and then he gingerly rolled my nub, making me moan. Both nipples perked up, reacting. The left one throbbed, wishing for his attention. As if he knew, his other hand rolled it. My panties were soaked, clinging to my clit.

At the same time his lips engulfed my left breast, his leg moved over my stomach, straddling me.

I wiggled beneath him, not used to being on the bottom and being given all the attention. He pinned my arms above my head as he moved to suck on my other breast. I wanted his mouth to go south, to stop the pounding between my thighs. I closed my eyes tight, feeling his hard-on rub against my stomach.

“You’re all I need,” he breathed. His lips collided with mine in a feverish kiss.

My need to fuck him turned to desperation. My lips were sore, my breasts felt swollen, yet down below my belly screamed for attention. I clawed at the headboard, probably leaving marks in the wood.

He rose to his knees, looking down at me. I’d never felt this loved before, cherished even. His eyes said everything. All he wanted was me, the good and the bad. The other guys I fucked were placeholders. They were nothing compared to Jason. At times I had to finish myself off because they came too soon. None of them took care of my needs. None of them put their lips all over my body.

I lifted my hips off the bed, helping him as he peeled my pants down my legs and tossed them to the floor. I had on a pair of black cotton underwear; he fingered the hem that met the top of my right leg. His eyes slid down my body and landed on my crotch. My body tingled with anticipation.

For a moment, he rubbed my sweet spot over my underwear. I pushed my ass into the mattress and screamed, “You’re killing me. Please fuck me.”

“This is about you, not me. I’m going to make you come with my fingers…or maybe my mouth.”

As if to prove his point, he grabbed my underwear and pulled them off in a solid motion, making my heart leap into my throat.

His thumb circled my entrance before going between my folds. “You’re already wet,” he said, smiling wickedly.

I bit the edge of the pillow, wishing he’d screw me until all I saw were stars.

A gasp poured from my lips as he entered another finger, moving them in and out. I rubbed myself against his hand, wishing for more. A third digit entered, and before I knew it all his fingers were gone, leaving me empty.

“Jason, I—”

He kissed my lips, my chin, both my breasts, and licked down the length of my belly. He nibbled my thigh, making me bite my lip. I came undone as he moved to my sweet spot. He knew exactly how to give me the best orgasm of my life.

I was high on life, more so than anytime I went surfing, and when I came back down, Jason held me in his arms. I laid my head on his chest and wished this moment would never end.

***

Sometime later, we found ourselves watching our favorite show on my laptop. It sat in front of us as we lay next to each other on our bellies. Jason had his legs tangled with mine. My head rested on his bare shoulder blade. I felt at peace, like the world had finally stopped spinning, trying to throw me off of it.

My cell phone buzzed. I dared to look at it, finding a new text message.

Amelia:
Hunter & I are on our way over.

I pressed my lips together and looked at Jason. “Hunter and Amelia are on their way here.”

Jason tossed me a smile. “Guess we should get dressed then.”

I pouted. “There’s only ten minutes left of this episode.”

“Then tell them not to hurry.” He brushed his hand across my back, making goose bumps appear. I giggled and playfully swatted him.

“Let me text.” I hit the reply button.

Me: Okay, don’t hurry though.

Amelia: Oh, Syd.

Her reply was short, but I knew what she was thinking. Something around the lines of:
You’re dealing with grief by banging Jason?
I laughed at the thought.

“What’s so funny?” Jason whispered into my hair.

I tilted my head and kissed him instead of answering. Something on my laptop’s screen caught my eye. We both turned our attention to what was going on in the last few minutes of the show.

As the credits rolled, I closed my laptop and sat it on the desk. “Time to get dressed, I guess.”

Jason nodded, gathering his clothes from the floor. “I need to start leaving some clothes here so I can stop wearing old, wrinkled things.”

A smile curled my lips. “If you’re good, I might allow you some room in my dresser.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Oh, what’s your definition of good?”