Breaking Elle (44 page)

“I will, I promise you that. I want to see my boy play for the Dallas Cowboys.”

Reed’s previous life is more than I bargained for. I knew what I was getting into from day one. I saw all the red lights, but I blew right through them. Even now that he took off without giving me details, I won’t give up on him, on us, because I know we’ve both come into this relationship with unresolved issues. He’s been patient with my silence and reluctance to open up.

Tyler comes right over after I call him to tell him Reed left. I don’t want to be alone so soon. Who would think it would be so hard. Tyler surprises me with tickets to the Yankees/Red Sox game, which gets my mind off Reed and the fact that I won’t see him for five days.

“Thanks for taking me out to the game tonight.” I say, playfully jabbing Tyler in the ribs.

“Good game, huh?” Tyler laughs, rubbing his ribs.

“Whatever.” I smirk as I roll over on the bed with my back to him.

“Shit, Elle. Stop being a sore loser. The Yankees can’t win them all.”

“Like I said, whatever.” I groan. “Did you at least scout Derek Jeter so you can mimic some of those moves as shortstop when you go to the Majors?”

“Trust me, babe. I got them all and then some.” He chuckles, his breath on my back as he slowly twirls my hair. He was the first to witness my bad habit, and still gives me shit for it. I know I need to stop.

“What is it with me and guys?” I ask, rolling onto my back.

“It’s not you.” Tyler utters. He’s so ridiculously tall that his toes hang off the foot of my bed while I barely reach his calves. I feel protected and safe. I love tall guys. I get that from my mom. As a little girl, I loved watching my mom and dad together, the way my mother would look up into my dad’s eyes and how he’d hug her close. I want that. I have that with Tyler and Reed, but in a totally unique and special way.

I turn around to face Tyler. Our eyes catch for a minute and then he rolls over on his back, throws his hands behind his head, and stares at the ceiling. I smirk remembering how nervous my parents were when we’d hang out studying upstairs in my room. It was never like that. It’ll never be like that. I believe Tyler knows that, too, but he’s still holding out. He’s always been stubborn.

“Why are you so quiet?” he asks, turning to me. His expression is unreadable.

“So, all these years you haven’t given me the dish on men and their issues with honesty and commitment.” I scowl, playfully.

“I can only speak for myself,” he replies, returning his gaze to the ceiling. “I’ve given you warnings before. That’s all I can do without being a pain in the ass. I’ve been right on some and not so right on others. That’s what
friends
do.” He hides his eyes from me, his mouth a tight line.

“Oh God, T. Don’t go there.” My heart rate quickens, and my breath catches in my throat.

“Go where?” He sighs. “I’m not going fucking anywhere. Haven’t I always been here for you?” he replies sharply. “Do you know how it feels to see your best friend hurting? Having to watch this shit unfold in front of me one too many times? It sucks.” He shifts his eyes to me.

“But I’m not hurting,” I speak softly, searching his face.

“Shit, Elle. What the fuck do you call it?” He moans in frustration, raking his hand through his hair. “I’d never do any of that stuff to you. I would be so good to you that you wouldn’t be able to see straight. You’d think you were the only person on the planet with the way I would treat you.”

“Why are you being this way?” I counter, my voice barely a whisper.

“Being what way?” He angrily turns on his side his face inches from mine. “Should I stop caring about you because you don’t want to listen to me?” His eyes soften, lingering on my lips and then back to my eyes. What the hell is going on?

The tension between us is so thick it’s hard to breathe. I go to move away, but he grabs my arm and pulls me towards him, pressing his lips onto mine. I don’t resist because a part of me is curious and wants to know what it would be like. I think that underneath it all, I’ve always wanted to know. His lips are soft, warm, and sweet. He slowly grips my forearm, trying to pull me closer to his body, but I weakly push him and sit up. My heart’s racing, my hands are trembling, and my mind is spinning.
My best friend just kissed me!
Tyler knows that that’s not supposed to happen. He sighs heavily, the bed shifting under his weight as he lies facing the other direction for several minutes before he sits up next to me.

“I’m sorry.” His apology hovers in the air.

“Tyler,” I breathe, hanging my head in my hands unable to look at him. If I could find the words, I would ask him why he’s doing this.

“No, actually I’m not. I don’t know how many times I’ve wanted to do that,” he murmurs, taking my hand in his.

I turn to him looking through the strands of hair that curtain my face. “This won’t change anything between us Tyler. I won’t let it.” He gently tucks my hair behind my ear, eyeing me pensively.

“I don’t want to hurt you. I never have and never will. You have to understand how hard it is for me to sit back and watch you go through all this shit.”

“No relationship is perfect, you know that. The only constant in my life has been you, and I don’t want to jeopardize that with a kiss or anything else.”

“I know you don’t feel it, but nothing you say or do can change how I feel about you, ever
.
” He breathes. “I go along with it for you. That’s what I do, right? Make sure everything’s okay. I don’t mind that at all, because you know deep down in your heart that you’ll never be able to replace me. I will always be in your life and that’s good enough for me.”

“I know that.” I whisper, looking into his eyes. I take his hand and lean against his strong shoulder, the shoulders that always carried me.

Reed’s gone and Tyler kisses me. I knew it was coming, but I let it happen even knowing the way he feels about me. I’m anxiously wondering if I should tell Reed about what happened, if he even has to know since nothing will come of it. I should be distancing myself from Tyler, but I can’t and I won’t. Instead, we’re going out with Evelyn who can’t take no for an answer.

My phone buzzes. I know who it is, and smile when I see his name.

Reed: I’m dying without u.

Elle: Please don’t. I need u.:)

Reed: Need you 2. B home soon.

Elle: Soon is not soon enough.

Reed: Soon is better than never.

I set the phone on my desk and feel lonely, and I’m not quite sure why. I want to call him back, hear his voice, but time will pass and he’ll be here. He’s with his family, and I know how much they mean to him. I could tell from the first time he mentioned his mom that he’d do anything for her. It must be difficult for him to stay away. I wonder if at some point he’s going to want to go back to be close to her. Just the idea of him leaving makes my heart sink. His leaving is a possibility that I’m not sure I can handle.

I don’t find much comfort in my room anymore even though it’s filled with memories of my life. I drop myself on the bed contemplating, torturing myself with the idea that Reed will not stay here. What if his mom needs him? I know I can’t leave my mom now that she needs us, so I would expect him to do the same for his mom. I have to keep this in the back of my head, prepare myself if it happens. Nothing is ever certain. But why even bother? Why not just end it now before I get in too deep? Am I already in too deep? And why am I already thinking that the worst is going to happen? God, I’m so damaged.

Restless, I boot up my laptop.
Yep, here you go again.
I just want to validate what I’m feeling. What’s wrong with that? I google Landon Hunter, his previous alias, -alias like he’s some kind of criminal. These results are much different from my previous search using his current name. There are hundreds of stories about his career at Texas A&M, his knee injury, losing his contract with the Dallas Cowboys, and hundreds of images of him on the football field. Of course, there are the pictures with a female— a tall, blonde with blue eyes, a typical Texan beauty with the perfect body to boot. Now my mind is running wild with all kinds of crazy scenarios. Is this one of his secrets?

I scroll down further and find a link to a Facebook account not used in over a month. The last post was the day before his birthday from a Campbell Johnson.
What the hell does she have to say?

Happy Birthday. When r u coming? Your gift is waiting.

It looks like she’s not ready to let him go. I wonder if she’s still holding on to it or has already given him that present. What else am I supposed to think when there are secrets we are withholding from each other? I scroll through the pictures of him with his family, friends, and some with her. I can’t look anymore. Clutching my head in my hands, I wonder what I’m going to do. Is there’s anything I should do, or should I wait and watch everything play out? I need a release. Maybe going out tonight is what I need.

“Hey.”

Gasping in surprise, I spin around to find Tyler watching me from the edge of my bed.

“I didn’t even hear you come in.” I smile, hazarding a glimpse of his face in the dimly lit room.

“I didn’t want to interrupt you while you were on there.” He grins crookedly, leaning back on his elbows, his white t-shirt pulling across his taut chest, and his worn blue jeans sitting perfectly on his lean waist.

“You can’t do that again. You scared the crap out of me.” I smile, walking over to the closet to pull out a couple things while he answers an incoming text on his phone.

“Who’s that?” I ask, looking over my shoulder, watching him return the text.

“Phoebe.” He frowns, stuffing the phone in his pocket.

“Getting serious?” I ask, feeling a twinge of envy before I head to the bathroom to change. Why should I? Like anyone else, Tyler has needs, too.

“No. She wants to hang out tonight, but I already have plans with you.”

“I don’t want to put a damper on your love life,” I say, laughing.

“Impossible.” He chuckles. “She’s nice but not my type, not what I’m looking for.”

“What are you looking for?” I ask, tilting my head curiously.

“Do you really have to ask?” He pinches his brows and looks down at his feet. “Something always seems to get in my way,” he mumbles, running his hand through his hair.

“I’ll be right out.” I pretend not to hear his last comment.

“Okay.” His eyes follow me and then he gets up and steps towards the bedroom window. I close the bathroom door and lean up against it. What’s happening? I steal a deep breath and close my eyes, telling myself I can’t allow anything to damage our friendship, but these feelings have surfaced that feel much stronger than friendship. Can one kiss do that? I have Reed and I have Tyler. I need them both, but why do I feel this guilt even though I haven’t done anything wrong? Or have I?

I focus on getting ready for the night, slipping into a pair of jeans and a black halter-top. I apply some makeup, brush my hair out, and spray some perfume. I need to stop beating myself up about my messed up emotional state, and push everything out of my mind so I can enjoy myself tonight, for once. “Ready.” I chirp as I open the door, trying to lighten my mood, but like always, my problems confront me once again.

“Landon Hunter?”
I shoot my gaze at Tyler who’s standing over my laptop staring at the screen. “Holy crap, Elle? Are you shittin’ me?” He spins to me, giving me a pointed look. My mind is so all over the place that I didn’t think to log off.

“It’s not what you think.” I brush past him, slamming the laptop shut. He clutches my shoulders and turns me to face him. “Really, it’s not?” I stare down at my red toes peeking out of my shoes. I can’t look him in the eye.

“Okay. What the fuck is it then?” He deadpans. He’s silent for a minute while I continue to look at my feet. “Look at me, Elle.” He gently raises my chin. His touch is comforting even though I know he’s pissed off at me.

“I admit that you may have been right about him, but he explained it to me. I understand where he’s coming from.”