Breaking Rules (21 page)

“You can start by leaving me alone, Gabe,” I said. “
You’ve been doing an excellent job of that already this week, so it shouldn’t be too hard. Just keep doing what you’re doing.”

“Mandy
—”

“I never wanted this in the first place,” I said. “I didn’t want your friendship, your kindness,
or your challenge to make me a better person. I was fine just the way I was. I just wanted to be left alone. You knew that! You knew that from the start!”

He
winced at the harshness of my tone, but he never said a word. I hated him. He’d gotten close. He forced my guard down, and he made me believe that I was wrong for not believing in the notion of love and romance. He made me feel something I never wanted to feel.
He
did. It was
his
fault that I had nearly broken every rule, and then he turned around and left me with a thousand unanswered questions and a broken heart.

Gabe didn’t
draw back. I expected him to. I wholeheartedly expected him to turn away, but he didn’t. Instead, he took a step closer, and his eyes softened as he lowered his open arms to wrap himself around me.

“
No
!” I yelled, pushing him back. I had to fight to wriggle out of his arms. “Don’t touch me! Don’t hug me; don’t stand there and act like you’re going to make this better. I was fine before I met you, Gabe. Sure, I was alone, but at least I wasn’t hurting. And this past week, these last seven days that I haven’t heard from you or seen you, that’s all I’ve done! I’ve hurt—because of you! Because you made me open up,
you made me feel
. And then I show up here tonight and find out that you were out with my sister—”

“
Oh, no, Mandy,” he said. “We were—”

“I don’t care where you were,” I yelled over the rain as it
pelted against us, drenching us. “I just know how it made me feel, and I hate it. I don’t want to feel angry. I don’t want to feel jealous. I don’t want to feel
anything,
especially where
you’re
concerned
.”

“Mandy,
please—”

“
I don’t want to hear your explanation,” I yelled louder, and my voice was strained from trying to scream over the roaring thunder. “I don’t want to hear anything you have to say, Gabe. I just want to walk away, go home, and forget I ever knew you.”

“Please, listen
,” he begged.

“Leave—me—alone
,” I said. “I don’t get why you’re having such a hard time understanding what I’m saying to you. I had no one to say goodbye to, Gabe. I could’ve just left.” I shook my head and looked away. “And now I have to go home, pack everything I own, and leave all of this behind me like it never happened. And the hardest part of all is that I don’t have a single clue how I’m going to even start to erase all of this. I don’t know how I’m going to find a way to forget you, and I hate you for that!”

Three days passed since I stood outside in the pouring rain, yelling at Gabe. I hadn’t heard from him once since I turned away from him, and I doubted I would ever hear from him again. I didn’t know Gabe well enough to know that he would listen and actually leave me alone. I didn’t know if that had made me happy or sad.

He
told me once that he wasn’t the kind of person who could be pushed away, but I didn’t feel that I’d really given him much of a choice this time. I yelled at him. I pushed him away—literally. I hadn’t given him any reason to believe it would be okay to keep pressing.

I told him I hated him.

I told him to go.

So he stayed away. And I moved forward, trying to settle my unfinished affairs before I ran out of time.

“Okay,” I said, smoothing the paper out in front of Carla. “I don’t have much, but this is what I’ve been able to get so far.”

I showed her the list of sponsors and donations I
’d drummed up for the big, finale fundraiser; I’d been able to cover the fliers, the newspaper ads, and the band. I called Jones last night and asked him to call in a favor with his band mates; they all agreed that a charity benefit would be a great opportunity for a little exposure. The school was going to provide the space, the tables, and the chairs. The dance committee offered to chip in and decorate with old archived and leftover decorations. All that was really left for Carla, Fletcher, and Lashell to do was find someone to take care of the food. With a little bit of advertising, the dance would go off without a hitch.

We were sitting at the diner Sunday morning, going over all of the basics. I
’d called and invited both Carla and Fletcher, but he was tied up with homework and she was pressed for time. Still, she managed to come out for a quick breakfast.

“You killed it, Mandy,” she said, smiling down at the list. “When did you have time to get all of this done?”

“Little by little, day by day,” I said, taking in a deep breath. I didn’t want to tell her that it hadn’t been all that hard. Most everyone I talked to was eager to help, especially since it was for charity. Between all of the hard work that everyone in our group had done, throwing in the grand finale dance next month, I couldn’t foresee any way that the other districts would beat out Sugar Creek for the win. It just couldn’t happen.

I
f our school won, with me in LA, that meant that Carla and Fletcher each had a one-in-ten shot at winning the scholarship.

I forced a smile
.

“Oh, hey,” she said, running her hand across the top of my back. “It’s okay. We’ll take care of it.” I nodded and
blinked away a tear. “Mandy, listen,” she said, “I know this dance means a lot to you, and we’re going to give it all the time and attention it deserves. I promise.”

“
I’m trusting you with this,” I teased, trying to smile through my pain. If there was one thing Gabe had been right about, it was that I always tried to mask my feelings with a smile or a laugh. Covering up the pain was just somehow easier than facing the real emotion. Unable to bear the thought of Gabe or the way he’d challenged me, I focused on (what I hoped would be) much safer territory. “Okay, so tell me. How’s the soup kitchen running now?” After two weeks, Carla had already managed to successfully run four nights in the kitchen. I couldn’t imagine it hadn’t been a success.

“
It’s great,” she said. “The markets have been really cool about donating food. We’ve set up a food pantry to take donations, and Gabe’s even brought in some stuff from the Desden kitchen. I knew it would be a nice, little thing to do for a couple of nights a week, but I guess I never realized how many families in Sugar Creek really needed something like this.” She paused and held her breath for a moment, and then she shook her head. “Can I tell you something?”

“Of course.”

“And promise you’ll tell me the truth if you think it’s a bad idea, okay?”

“Sure.
Yeah, absolutely. What’s going on?”

“I’ve talked to my Uncle Rick, the pastor over at the church, and we
both want to keep the soup kitchen open permanently. Thursdays and Saturdays seem to be the best days for it. It’s doing its part to spread the goodness around Sugar Creek, and it’s been great exposure for the church. Sunday morning attendance has doubled in the last two weeks.”

“Wow, Carla, that’s amazing
.”

“And I think that making a decision like this, deciding to keep it open
permanently, will give me a leg-up in the scholarship competition. I’m hoping that Gabe will see how hard I’m working—”

“I don’t think Gabe’s picking the winner,” I said
, but I knew that it didn’t matter. Anyone judging the final outcome would see that my idea for the community dance didn’t stand a chance against Carla’s soup kitchen, especially if the soup kitchen had potential to last well beyond the end of the program. Maybe it was a good thing that I wouldn’t be sticking around, after all. I didn’t know if I could bear losing the scholarship to Carla.

“Oh, I know
it’s not solely up to Gabe,” she said, shaking her head. “But he has major influence on who’ll get the money. It’s coming out of the foundation’s fund, you know, and he’s not going to hand it over to just anyone. There’s a separate team of judges for picking the winner, but it definitely can’t hurt to impress the president, am I right?”

“Yeah,” I said, swallowing hard. “You’re right.”

“Okay, so listen,” she said, scooping up the notebook and all the plans I’d put together. “Thank you for this. I promise I won’t let you down. And I’ll take lots of pictures so you won’t miss a thing. K? We’ll stay in touch.”

I
’d heard that before. If I had a penny for every time one of my friends back home had promised to stay in touch and hadn’t followed through, I wouldn’t even need the Raddick Initiative or the scholarship. My college education could’ve been paid for years ago!

“Yeah,” I nodded, pretending
to really believe her lie. “We’ll stay in touch.”

She stood up and patted me on the back once again.
“See ya around, Mandy.”

Seventeen

I skipped school on Monday morning. With only four days before we caught our flight to the rest of Dad’s life, Bailey and I both had a lot of packing to do. Dad didn’t bother sticking around the house. He was down at his office dealing with some issues of his own… like trying to figure out how to abandon a town full of people who loved and trusted him to enough to elect him into office. He had his work cut out for him, and I didn’t feel the least bit sorry for any kind of backlash he took for his decision to walk away.

I kept my ear buds pressed firmly in my ears as I packed. I didn
’t care what I had to listen to, what came up on the playlist, I just kept listening. It was better than being alone with my thoughts, and at least I knew that my little musical escape would be therapeutic. I had never downloaded a single, romantic track, so I knew that I wouldn’t have to worry about thoughts of Gabe creeping up unexpectedly.

I
’d only managed to pack half of my closet when I heard a crash come from Bailey’s room. I ripped my ear buds out and ran down the hall. I found her standing in front of her shattered vanity mirror.

“Bailey?”

“I can’t believe we’re doing this!” she screamed, punching the mirror for what I guessed was a second time. A shard of the glass nicked her knuckle, but her emotions had gotten the best of her, and she hadn’t yet registered the pain. A thin stream of blood dripped from her hand and pooled at her feet on the carpet. “Why is he doing this to us?”

I stood and watched my sister as she sank down on her bed, cupping her face into her hands
. She sobbed like that for a few minutes, and then she looked back up to me with mascara trails dripping down the sides of her face.

“Mandy, what are we supposed to do?” she asked, barely breathing through her tears. “We still have so much that’s left here. Am I supposed to just get on that plane and never see Jones again?”

“No,” I said, finally stepping into her room. “Bailey, you can come back and visit him any time you want.”

“He’s going to break up with me,” she said. “Long distance relationships
never work, Mandy.”

“
That’s crazy.” I sat down on the bed next to her. “Jones is nuts about you. He’d never break it off.” I draped my arm around her shoulder, and she buried her head against my chest and cried harder.

“And what about school?” she continued. “What about everything we have? Are we supposed to just give all of that up and walk away? I was going to be
Homecoming Queen, dammit.
And prom queen
! And I have friends, here, Mandy.
Lots
of friends. How are they going to make it without me? We’re a team, a group. Our posse will break apart, and it will be all my fault!”

“No,” I said, caressing her hair.
“Bailey, no. They’ll stay friends.”

“
Great
,” she said, sitting up. She rolled her eyes and huffed. “So my leaving won’t bother them a bit? That’s great! I’ll leave, and they’ll just stick together, pretending like my being in California doesn’t faze them for a moment.”

“That’s not what I meant,” I interjected. “I just meant that they’ll be okay. I’m sure they’re going to miss you a lot, but they’ll stick together—
they’ll miss you together
.”

She shook her head, and then I watched as she looked
to the window. Slowly but surely, each of her tears dried. I imagined, looking at my sister just then, that that was exactly how I’d looked on Thursday night when I stood out on the street, yelling at Gabe—covered in make-up. Looking like death.

“You have it made,” she said, sniffling. “You were right
all along. Being alone, not making friends… that was the way to do it. I should’ve never come here and tried to rule the world. I should’ve known better than to get close to any of these people. Now I have to say goodbye. Now I have to walk up to each of them, tell them how much I’m going to miss them, and say those same, stupid words we had to say when we left LA.”

“But Bailey,
you love your friends. You needed them. They’re the reason you got by here in Sugar Creek, so it
wouldn’t
have been easier for you to just shut everyone out.”

“Why
not?” she asked. “You did it, and look at you. You’re handling this move about a million times better than I am. You didn’t get close to anyone. You kept to yourself. You didn’t have friends, a boyfriend, and you have no one you have to say goodbye to. Sometimes I think it would just be easier to be like you and not have a heart.”

“
Whoa,” I said, leaning back to take a better look at her. “Is that what you think of me, Bailey? That I don’t have a heart?”

“How could you?” she asked. “How could you, Amanda? You seem so happy and so content having no one in your life. That’s why you pushed me away. That’s why you refused to make friends. That’s why you couldn’t see what was right in front of you with Gabe.”

“Okay one,” I said, holding up a finger. “I never pushed you away, Bailey. You were the one thing I had going for myself when we moved here, and when you started dating, when you saw that boys were noticing you, you dropped me in a heartbeat. You ditched me for a new group of pretty and popular friends. And no, I didn’t join you when you made that transition because that’s not who I am.
You
changed, not me. And yes, I refused to make new friends, but that’s because I knew this day would come. I didn’t trust Dad not to do this. That man has never made a promise he didn’t intend to break.”

“And what about Gabe?”

“What about him?” I asked.

“Were you really so stupid that you couldn’t see—”

“I saw it, Bailey! Okay?
I saw it
. I know Gabe liked me, and yes, I liked Gabe. But it doesn’t matter. It’s never mattered. He’s got his life here, and we’re leaving.”

“But what if we weren’t leaving?” she asked. “What then?”

“It doesn’t matter,” I said. “We are leaving, and eventually, so is he! I can’t waste my time wondering and praying and hoping that things could be different. This is how it is.”

“But humor me,” she said, wiping a tear from her eye. “You like him, and he likes you.
What if we weren’t leaving?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “Gabe
shut down, and he pushed me away there at the end. I don’t know if it was something I did or said, but he pulled back, and… I know he might’ve liked me at one point, but I think I screwed it up.”

“What if I tell you that you didn’t?” she asked, and then she sat a little straighter. She turned on her bed, tucked her feet up beneath her legs, and looked at me straight on. “When I went to the store with Gabe on Thursday, he couldn’t quit talking about you. He was asking about you, asking how you were. When I told him that he could just stop by and find out for himself, he said he couldn’t. He said it wasn’t that simple, that you guys had already gotten too close, and he didn’t want to ruin things for you. He didn’t want to hurt you.”

“He said that?” I asked, wondering why it’d been so easy for him to say that to her and not me. Had Gabe struggled with admitting his feelings as much as I’d struggled to admit mine?

“
Yes, he said that,” she said. “And more than once.”

“Well,
it doesn’t matter,” I said, looking down at my hands. “It’s too late to fix anything now. You saw how I treated him.”

“Because you were hurt,” she said. “And he understood that, Mandy. He’s only giving you space because you asked him to. But you can’t leave here on Friday and let whatever it is that you guys have just blow up in smoke.
I’m not asking you to make a commitment to be in a long distance relationship. We all know how those end. I’m just asking you to be honest with yourself for once. Be honest with him. And if nothing else, he deserves a proper goodbye. You do, too.”

I looked down at my hands, and then Ba
iley slugged me in the shoulder.

“
Come on!
” I yelled, rubbing the spot that had already started to turn red. “Stop doing that!”

“
If you’d just look at me when I’m talking to you, then I wouldn’t have to do it at all,” she said, pointing a finger in my face. “You’re not happy being alone, no matter how much you want to pretend you are. You need him. You need to admit that to him and yourself. Screw the rules, Mandy. Tell him how you feel.”

I knew she was right. I needed to talk to him. But
if I did, what in the world would I say? I never wanted to think of myself as the kind of girl who needed anyone, especially a man. But if I didn’t need Gabe, then why had it been so hard to forget him? Why had it been so difficult to push him away?

“What are you going to do?” she asked
. “Are you going to talk to him?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “I don’t know his schedule. I won’t know where to find him.”

“He’s at the park today,” she said. “Dad said he was headed out for his last big hurrah, and he mentioned the ribbon cutting was this afternoon for the park’s reopening. Gabe’s crew worked on the project. I’d almost guarantee he’s there.”

“At the park?”

“The ceremony starts at noon. You can still make it if you go now.”

I looked at the clock.
“It’s 11:50. I’ll never make it.”

“You won’t know if you don’t try,” she said, shrugging.
“Mandy, seriously. You have to tell him goodbye.”

I drove to the Sugar Creek Park gates as fast as I could, and I rolled into the only vacant parking spot at the edge of the packed lot. From the back of the park, I could hear a deep voice over the microphone, and it sounded like Dad’s from a distance. That meant they had already cut the ribbon, or they were just gearing up for the big cut. Either way, it meant that Gabe was nearby, and I had to catch up with him.

I ran down the
paved path toward the park’s amphitheater, feeling a stitch in my side as I jogged closer to the stage.

When I reached the back of the large crowd, I tried to fight my way through them, pushing and shoving wherever it was necessary to get through. There were several couples who mumbled a few
, choice words at my rude hustle through the group, and even one senior citizen who threatened to beat me down with his cane. But I finally made it to the front of the line, and I just stopped and held my breath as I watched the group on stage.

Gabe stood there, staring out at the crowd, but there was a glazed-over look in his eyes that
caught me off guard. Although he was physically present, I wasn’t entirely sure he was there at all. His mind was on something else, and he seemed to have mentally checked out. Lashell stood next to him, her arm wrapped around his waist as she held on to him. Her eyes were fixed on Gabe for the better part of a minute, and when she finally broke that stare and looked back to Dad, I could tell she was only pretending to listen to all the things he said up at the podium. She kept darting looks at Gabe, glances of concern—the kind of love and concern that only a parent can offer a wounded child. She was consoling him. But why? Because of me?

My father droned on and on for what felt like hours, talking about the Raddick Initiative and all the wonderful work they
’d done to help break down, rebuild, and restore the beautiful town park. It was only when my Dad shut up long enough to introduce Gabe that I perked up. Gabe’s head jerked at the sound of his name.

He stepped up to the podium as the crowd clapped for him, and he nodded in thanks and appreciation.

The microphone squealed as he cleared his throat and leaned closer.

“I know I should be used to doing this by now,” he said, forcing a smile. “But
I’ve never been great at these things, so I’ll try to hurry this up and turn it back over to Mayor Parker.” The crowd half-laughed at his nervousness, and he finally stood a little taller. “Everyone at the Raddick Initiative, including myself and my right hand woman,” he winked at Lashell, “we’ve been honored and humbled to be a part of Sugar Creek’s park reconstruction. The summer months were long and brutal, but we wouldn’t have traded it for any, other opportunity. My good friend Lashell was born and raised here in Sugar Creek, so this project has held a very special place in her heart. Not a day has gone by that she hasn’t stressed to me how much it means for her to know that she’s going to be able to watch thousands of kids walk through those gates and make memories of their own— in a newer, safer, and cleaner environment. Nothing in this world means more to me than—”