Breaking Walls (22 page)

Ask me
. I had all the answers. By the time I was done talking, they’d wonder why I hadn’t proposed leaving sooner. This
was
the best choice, and I wanted a clean break—no muss, no fuss. I knew that my teacher wouldn’t put up as big a fight as Lashell or Gabe, so I decided it had to be him. He had to be the one I told. He’d let me go a lot easier.

“Wait,
what
?” Mr. Davies turned to look at me, his mouth hanging open. School was over, and the English classroom was empty. He stood from his desk, looking as though I’d just hit him with a sack full of bricks. “You’re quitting?”

“Yes
, sir.”

“Pull up a seat,” he said, nodding to the nearby row of desks. “Let’s talk about this.”

“I’ve already made up my mind,” I said. “Talking about it’s not going to change anything.”

“I can call Lashell and Gabe if you want to discuss this,” he said. “We can all sit down, hash this out—

“I’d like to do this without them,” I said, “if that’s okay with you?”

He nodded. We both sat down in the student desks at the front of the room, and he turned to face me.

“Is this because of— ”

“It’s not because I want to be with Gabe,” I said. “First and foremost, I have to make that clear.” If I was going to quit because of him, I would’ve quit two weeks ago when we were standing in the hallway.

Again, he nodded. “Is it because of Carla, because of what happened at the diner?”

“No, sir,” I said. “I’d already made up my mind that I was quitting before she showed up at the diner on Sunday. That’s the main reason I didn’t take ownership of the events when she offered them. It’s why I haven’t stepped up and taken
over, even knowing she doesn’t want the added responsibility. I’ve been mulling this over for a while now, and I’m ready. My time’s over.”

“And it’s not about Carla?”

“I swear that it’s not.”

“Mandy,” he shifted uncomfortably in his seat before settling again
, “I waited for you to come by the classroom all day yesterday. Lashell got in touch first thing in the morning and asked me to call a meeting after school, and she gave me the gist of what she overheard at the diner. I thought you would want to talk. I thought you’d come to me about this.”

“But it’s not about Carla,” I repeated. “There’s nothing to talk about.”

“But there is. We can’t fix things if we’re not aware of the problem. You needed to say something—”

“That wasn’t an option, Mr. Davies. She was terrible to me, yes, but she offered me more insight than anyone ever has. Carla was right. I don’t deserve to win this.”

“But you should’ve said something.”

“Sure, maybe I should’ve. And no matter how I justify the fact that I didn’t, you’re still going to believe I was wrong by not saying anything.” I took a deep breath and let it out. “Mr. Davies, I couldn’t risk her getting in trouble. I wasn’t getting her kicked out.”

“Mandy, you can’t let people treat you— ”

“I was willing to take the blows,” I said. “I know it may seem stupid from the outside, but I knew that keeping my mouth shut was the only way to ensure harmony for our group as a collective whole.” He shook his head, still unconvinced that I’d done the right thing by staying quiet. “I wasn’t going to better my chances at winning just because I had leverage. I didn’t want to be that girl. I didn’t want to be
her
. And I knew that losing Carla meant losing a lot for our team. Sure, her attitude sucks, but if she’s gone, then so is the soup kitchen, the fundraising, all of her really great ideas. Without her, how does Sugar Creek stand a chance? They
don’t
. And so it’s about taking those personal qualms and setting them aside. I could’ve ratted her out, but then the whole team would’ve suffered her loss, all because I couldn’t suck it up.”

“Mandy, it wasn’t your place to decide what was right or wrong for the welfare of the team. That’s not your job.”

“No, but I made it my job.”

“And by doing so, you
let her have her way.”

“Mr. Davies, maybe you have to be in my shoes to understand it, I don’t know,” I said, smiling. “But I can look at Carla Tally and know one thing for sure: there is no one who’s going to hate that girl at the end of every day as much as she hates herself. Carla’s her own worst enemy. The way she’s behaved, she’s teetering on disaster, and her self-destructive attitude
will
get the best of her. She will eventually expose herself at the wrong place at the wrong time. And there’s no one else she’ll be able to blame but herself. I have no doubt it’s going to happen. Carla will seal her own fate; she doesn’t need my help. My only hope is that when she finally breaks, Sugar Creek has already secured the win so that one of my friends can walk away victorious.”

The room fell silent.

“Mandy,” he said, lowering his face closer, “are you sure you want to do this?”

“I have to. It’s the right thing to do. Not because of Gabe, not because of Carla.
Because of
me
.” I closed my eyes, feeling a tiny smile curve on my lips. “From the very beginning, I’ve
only
been looking out for myself and for what I wanted. I had my eyes on that scholarship because I desperately needed it, and I hurt too many people in the process of getting what I wanted. I almost forfeited the entire competition for my district.” As much as I hated admitting it, I knew that was one thing Carla had been right about. And if she’d never been mean, if she’d never called me out, then I may have never seen it. “I almost caused Gabe and the foundation a lifetime of disgrace. They’re trying to launch this new program in the schools, and I almost ruined it for them. And Gabe,” I smiled through tears, “he’s going to be so successful—so much more successful than he is now, and I’m not taking that from him.”

“So it is about him?”

“No,
listen to me,”
I said, still smiling. “It’s about doing the right thing. I won’t win by hurting the people I love. That’s all there is to it.”

He remained quiet for the better part of two minutes.

“Okay,” he clapped his hands together. “Let’s talk this out.”

“There’s nothing to talk about. I’m
done
.”

“Mandy, think about your team,” he said. “You already said that you’ve been selfish, but walking away from them this close to the end is the most selfish thing you could do.”

“No. It’s the
best
thing I can do.” There were people on my team who deserved that money more than I did—people who’d never jeopardized the team’s fate, people who’d worked hard from the get-go.

“Sugar Creek and Desden are going head to head right now. The other two schools will never catch up with so little time left. But you guys are almost there. The money that the dance finale generates could
finally tip the scales for your district. That event could be what wins the program for your school. If you back out, and you’re not there to help push this district over the finish line, then what? Do you want
that
guilt?”

“I already told you,” I said. “I can’t
— ”

“What if I promise that I’ll take your name out of the running for the scholarship?” he asked. “If I promise you right now that you won’t win, then can I have your promise that you won’t quit?”

I looked to the floor. “No.”

I didn’t want my name tied with the program at all. I didn’t want there to be any doubt that
the Sugar Creek team won by their own merit. I had to break that tie.

“Mandy, listen to me.
Carla stayed after the meeting yesterday and begged Fletcher to take over the dance, and he can’t do it. Between work, school, and his own RI projects, he’s swamped. She doesn’t want it.”

“I know,” I said. “She only wanted it as leverage.”

“If she gives up, and no one takes over, the dance is gone. So come back, fill those shoes, and help win this for your district.”

“Why should I?”

“Do it for him,” he said. “Do it for Fletcher. He brought in hundreds on ticket sales this weekend, and he’s put in more hours than some of the other teammates combined. He’s had his hand in every project, and he’s never missed a single event. He’s had a great attitude from the get-go, and even you’ve sung praises about his dedication to the job. The only thing standing between him and the scholarship is the
certainty
of this district winning.” I closed my eyes. “You say Fletcher’s your friend. So all I’m asking for is one thing: help your friend win this.”

Chapter
Eighteen

I was exhausted.

After my conversation with Mr. Davies, followed by a long and quiet shift at the bakery, my mind was on overload. I could assume, the word was out. By the end of the night, everyone would know that I’d quit.

I ended up at home some time after
eight thirty, and I dumped my things on the counter before traipsing down the hallway and knocking on my sister’s bedroom door.

Enough time had passed. Whether awake or asleep, she and I were having this conversation tonight. I couldn’t stand it anymore. Enough was enough.

“Yeah?”

“It’s me,” I said, pushing the door open a little wider. “Can I come in?”

I expected a snarky remark of some kind, but she didn’t say anything. She just sat up from her bed, set her math book aside, and nodded. “Yeah. Come on in.”

I took her invitation, shut the door behind me, and jumped on the corner of the bed, watching my sister as she looked up to me.

“Bailey, I’m— ”

“It’s okay,” she shrugged a shoulder.

“No, it’s not,” I scooted closer to her.

“Yeah, but Mandy,” she twisted her lips
, “I don’t wanna do all this mushy-gushy love stuff. I know you’re sorry. It’s okay. I’m over it.”

“But I
am
sorry,” I said, and she rolled her eyes. Okay, so she didn’t want to hear it, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t going to say it. “I was jealous, and I was just looking to point fingers. I didn’t want to deal with my insecurity, so I took it out on you.” I looked around the room, finally drawing my eyes to the window. I couldn’t look at her as I said, “Bailey, you’re the only sister I have. You and Dad are the only family I have, and I’ve treated both of you horribly. I’ve been way too hard on you, when what I should’ve been doing was thanking you.”

“Thanking me?” she asked, jerking her head back.

“Gabe needed someone to talk to, and you were there for him. He needed a friend, and you gave him that.”

“Did he put you up to this? Did he tell you to say that?”

“No, not at all. I’m saying it because I mean it. Sure, he asked me to dial it back a bit, but I was already on my way to apologize to you when he caught up with me.”

“Oh.”

“You were asleep when I got in last night,” I said. “I stayed out late talking with Gabe. Chances are I scared him off again, so you might be getting a phone call about that. I’m not really sure how often you talk.” She smiled. “Anyway, when I couldn’t come in and talk to you, I stayed up late with Dad, and we had a long overdue conversation.” One that Dad had asked me never to share with her, and I would honor that request as long as it seemed appropriate to do so. Bailey didn’t really harbor the kind of resentment that I did, so maybe she’d never really need to know, and I almost thought that was for the best. “I think we’ve worked out some major issues, so that’s promising. And then…I woke up this morning, and I was hoping to get a chance to talk to you but…you weren’t here.”

“You wanted to talk to me?”

“I wanted to apologize. I knew doing it before school was probably not the best idea, but I was just getting so tired of putting it off. That, and I wanted your insight.”

“On?”

“A really huge decision I made.”

“You quit the program?” she asked, and for some reason, she didn’t seem the least bit surprised.

“I did.”

“Good girl,” she said, reaching over to rub my back. I smiled. I knew I wouldn’t have to explain it to Bailey. Part of me wondered if she hadn’t hoped for that conclusion all along. “So what are you going to do about financing school?”

“I’ll find a way,” I said. “I’ll take a year off if I have to. I’ll work a second job and save as much money as I can. I’ll apply for smaller grants and scholarships. It’ll add up. And if doesn’t, I’ll apply for loans if I have to. I’ll figure it out.”

“What about Dad?”

“What about him?”

“Have you thought to ask him again?” she asked. “You said you guys have worked out some major issues, so maybe there’s still wiggle room
. Maybe you can change his mind.”

“Don’t think I haven’t thought about it,” I said. “And I haven’t completely dismissed the idea of asking him again, but I want to make sure I know what all of my options are before I
get into another long conversation with him about my future.”

She nodded, drawing in a breath. “Well, speaking of options…have you ever thought of calling
— ”