Breath of Life (12 page)

“Didn’t mean to startle you. You looked happy for a moment. It was something I hadn’t seen in a long time.” He was leaning against the door frame with his arms folded across his chest smiling at her.

“Did I wake you?”

“No, the amazing smell of food did.” He smirked. “Let me get some plates. I know you cook for an army even if it’s just you.”

She saw him walk around her to grab some plates from the cabinet. He then reached for a couple forks and knives from the drawer below. Paxton saw him set the table for her.

Paxton scraped the eggs from the griddle and put them in a bowl. She brought the pancakes and eggs to the table. Duke went back to get syrup and butter. Paxton went to the pantry for peanut butter. She loved it on her pancakes. They sat and ate in silence. Paxton was finishing her last bites when Duke leaned back in his chair and put his hands behind his head to stretch out.

“That was a very tasty breakfast. Thank you.” He looked over to Paxton and smiled.

Paxton smiled back and finished her last bite. She wiped her mouth with her napkin. “You’re welcome.”

“Let me clean up since you did the cooking.” He started to stand and gather the empty dishes.

“You don’t have to. I can get it.”

“Paxton, please it’s the least I can do to make up for last night. I’m sorry that I came over here in the state I was. More so because I know how much you hate drunk driving. I can be such an insensitive prick sometimes.”

“I would say more like an idiot but you took care of me last night. Thank you.”

“Breakfast was enough of a thank you,” he smiled back at her as he started running the water to do dishes. Paxton watched him. He seemed to be at ease here in her company. Paxton realized how much of a great friend he has been. He has never left her side over the last year with the exception of when she went into the institution. He even sacrificed his friendship with Jack for her. She felt a familiar tug in her belly. She hadn’t felt it in over a year.

“I’m going to go get dressed,” Paxton announced suddenly. She needed to get away from him.

She rushed back to her bedroom and closed the door. She slid down it and sat on the floor. She could not get involved with Duke. If it weren’t for her, he would be with her best friend right now. Jack would still be here with her and not in New York. Her mother would be happy and life would be good. Who knows, maybe her and Jack would have started thinking about kids. She shook her head. She couldn’t afford those thoughts now. She needs to move on. Duke needs to move on. Jack, well he already has. He was back in New York, where he belongs. 

Paxton got up from the floor. She needed to get ready for the day. She had a ton to do. She had to keep herself busy to keep herself from thinking of what-ifs and the past. She threw on a pair of jeans and a black V-neck.  She pulled her long brown hair into a ponytail.  She smoothed out her shirt looking at her reflection. She almost looked like her old self only a lot skinnier. She didn’t really have the curves she used to. Her cheeks looked sunken in and her cheekbones stuck out. Her grey eyes were hollow and dull. There was no light shining through, only guilt. No wonder everyone was worried about her.  She needed to work on herself. She needed to gain some weight back. She figured maybe that would get people to think she was doing okay even though she knew she was nowhere close to being okay.

Her phone buzzed on the dresser. She walked out to look at it.

“Shit!”

She was going to be late for another appointment with Dr. Keeler. She completely forgot about it. She grabbed her purse and rushed downstairs. Duke was just leaving the kitchen.

“I have to go. I’m sorry. See you later?” She grabbed her keys from the table.

“Yeah, I should probably go anyways now.” Duke started following her out the door.

“Sorry to leave in such a rush. I forgot about an appointment,” Paxton explained as she climbed into her car.

“Dinner tonight?” Duke leaned against her door.

“Sure.” Paxton started the car. Duke stood up and waved.

Paxton watched Duke walk to his car as she drove off. She wasn’t sure what was going on between them. She didn’t need the stress of a relationship right now, especially not Duke. She had no right to be with him let alone have him take care of her. He let her cry last night, show her frustration. He then carried her to the bedroom, changed her and just held her until she fell asleep. She shook her head. Duke cared about her too much. He even went the extra mile to be a gentlemen. He slept in the spare bedroom and even helped her by cleaning up after breakfast.  Paxton couldn’t wrap her mind around it, why was he making sure she was okay? She couldn’t find an answer but found herself pulling into the parking lot outside of the hospital.

TEN

“How are you doing today?” Dr. Keeler asked as Paxton walked in and sat on the sofa.

“I’ve been better,” Paxton said not knowing where they should start today.

“How is your relationship with your mother since you moved back home?”

“I moved out. I’m back at the cabin.”

“I see.” Paxton felt Dr. Keeler’s gaze on her. “Isn’t that where you lived with Jack?”

“Yes.”

“How is that for you?”

“It’s okay. I’m redecorating. Making it my own.”

“What about Jack? Where is he?”

Paxton looked away. She stared over at the window then down at her hands. She fidgeted.

“Paxton?” Dr. Keeler’s voice was filled with concern.

“I think he is in New York. At least that is what he said when he came to collect his things.”

“So he is giving you space. How are you feeling about that?”

“He left me. He is not coming back for me. I signed the papers.” Paxton couldn’t look Dr. Keeler in the eye but she knew that she was staring, waiting for more.

“I see. You seem unsure about things. Are you regretting that you signed the papers?”

Paxton looked straight at Dr. Keeler this time. “I had to sign. It’s what he wanted. Even if I did forgive him for walking out on me all those months ago, he may still bring it up if we get in an argument. He can forgive me and say he loves me but he can’t forget. I can’t forget.”

 “So if the roles were reversed and you said you forgave Jack and he was pushing you away, what then? How would you react to that?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Paxton was getting uncomfortable with where this was headed. Trying to think about the roles being reversed was too hard. She just kept seeing herself make the mistakes, not Jack.

“What do you want to talk about?”

Paxton felt the need to control this conversation as best as she could.

“You know I used to think that my father’s death was the worst thing that could ever happen to me but at the same time, it was also the night where Ella and I became dependent on each other.”

“I see.”

“After Ella and I graduated, we both got into the same college. We made sure of it. We bought a small house and I remember we made every decision together. She still was the wild child and I was more of the mother-hen but it balanced you know?” Paxton paused. She wasn’t sure where she was steering this conversation but it was better than thinking about Jack right now. “We would check in on my mother once a week but without my mother watching us, the roles in our friendship changed.”

“Did you still resent her from time to time when you moved in?”

“No I had gotten passed that. I broke out of my shell every once in a while but I was still cautious about my actions. Ella toned down some after seeing how I felt but her old ways won out most of the time.”

“Did that bother you?”

“No, I learned to let it go. She was right. We couldn’t live a cautious life. Some nights I was so stressed out, I mimicked her. I was ready to go out a party, pull college pranks, and sometimes even go out with boys. As silly as it sounds, those were risks. I didn’t want to get attached to anyone. There was always a possibility of me losing them one day and I didn’t want to go through anything like that. I knew with my future as a surgeon I would see loss everywhere and I didn’t want my friends to end up on a table.”

“So you kept some walls up but let the rest down?” Dr. Keeler asked as she was writing something down.

“Sort of. I would say I put on a different mask. I pretended to be someone I’m not.”

“Like you did in the facility? Wear a mask of a mental patient?” Dr. Keeler’s question caught Paxton off guard. She didn’t respond right away. “I know that you aren’t affected by a mental disorder. I am not that blind but I let you stay because for some reason you thought it was safer for you.”

Paxton stayed silent for a few more moments. “I suppose you can say it was like. I wore a mask in there but it was a safe place for me.”

“Do you sometimes wish you were still locked away in that tiny room?”

“It was safe, controlled. There would be no surprises.”

“I see.”

“Ella gave me more surprises than I needed. There were nights when I would come back home and a raging party would be going on. Did you know that’s how she met Duke? At one of her crazy parties?” Paxton was quick to direct the conversation elsewhere.

“No I did not, that’s the first you mentioned it.”

“It was at our first small house together. After they started dating we moved into a bigger place. That’s after I met Jack as well.” There was a small silence between them. Paxton had driven this conversation to memories she didn’t want to think of but it was too late. The ache in her chest began to get bigger the more she talked. Then she remembered what happened with Duke.

“You know yesterday was her birthday? I forgot about it.” Tears threatened her eyes. She closed them and took a deep breath.

“I’m sure with everything going on she will understand if you just call her.”

Paxton squeezed her eyes shut. She didn’t need to hear that. She couldn’t call Ella because Ella wouldn’t answer her.  She heard Dr. Keeler take a breath as if she were going to say something but then a buzzer went off.

“Dr. Keeler?” A voice cam over a speaker phone.  Dr. Keeler got up and picked up the phone. She spoke in hushed tones but that didn’t stop Paxton from trying to figure out what was going on.

“I’m sorry I will have to cut this short today Paxton,” she said putting the phone back in the cradle. “I have an emergency I need to deal with.”

“That’ fine.” Paxton stood up.

“We will continue this next time though. I think we have made some progress but there is much more to be discussed.” She said gathering her things. Paxton picked up her purse and smiled.

“Hope everything will be alright for you,” Paxton said remembering the times she was rushed out of places on emergency calls.

Paxton left the hospital filled with memories of her and Ella, some good, some not so good. Paxton quickly got in her car and decided now was the time for her distraction. It was time to work on her project. She needed to ease the aches she felt.  

Her first stop was to Home Depot. It was on the west side of town by Target which was her next stop. She decided she was going to repaint the walls of the master bedroom to a gray tone. She would accent one wall with black paint. She knew it seemed depressing but it fit her mood most days. She was going to accent the room with deep reds. It would be a place for her and her only. She didn’t have to pretend with herself. She always liked the moodiness of those three colors. However when she got there to pick out her paints, the plans she made slightly changed.  She decided to go with a grayish-blue color. She was drawn to it. She no longer wanted an accent wall either. She wanted her whole room decorated with this color. 

Paxton went to look at curtains. She had a sliding door that led out into a balcony and then one large window in the other wall. With her new found color she decided on a silk crimson color set. The color was darker and would go great with the paint she picked out. She already loved the curtain rods that were in there so she didn’t worry about replacing those. Next she needed to get her new comforter set. For that she decided to see what Target had. If not, she would hit up Bed, Bath and Beyond on the other side of town.

She perused at Target for about a half hour just in the bedding section. She couldn’t find anything she liked, so she gave up and went to Bed, Bath and Beyond. She browsed the bedding section taking a look at everything. Paxton fell in love with a satin, silver comforter set as soon as she laid eyes on it. She got her sheets and several decorative pillows to go along with it. Her sanctuary was falling into place.

After gathering a few more decorative pieces for the bedroom, she decided it was time to go home and get started on it. She was hoping to have the painting done within a couple of hours. In the mean time she would be washing her new sheet set. Tomorrow she would put it all together. She smiled at the thought.

Paxton felt herself continue to smile on her way home. Her house, it felt weird to think of it that way but she was on her own now. Her smile faltered a little bit but she knew she had to move on, by herself. She needed to find herself again, get back on track, and rebuild her life. If she could make it appear like she was on the outside and people believed her, then maybe one day, she could really move on. She could start mending relationships and maybe make some new ones. She could start working again although she knew she would have to figure out how to get back on at the hospital if she chose to go back there. Paxton knew it was going to be a long road with all those thoughts crossing her mind. She didn’t even know where to begin but she knew that she had to start somewhere.

ELEVEN

Paxton finally got all her purchases inside to the kitchen. She brought the painting supplies up to the bedroom and proceeded to move all the furniture into the middle of the room. She taped up the baseboards, windows, anything that she would need. She looked at the daunting task when she was done. It had taken her a lot longer to tape off things than she thought. She decided to order some Pizza Shuttle and get started.