Breathe (15 page)

My dad begged me to at least take a few classes at the local community college, but I had no desire to think of the future.  I had no future without her in it.  There were times when just planning the next day was too much. 

I’d hurt her.  The first few days after I left, she was almost catatonic.  I would find her in the same place I left her the night before, wearing the same clothes and staring at the same spot on the wall.  Gradually she went through the motions of living, but she was just a shell.  Then, after that it was worse.  So much worse.

There were a thousand times I decided to go back to her and beg her to forgive me.  Then, my dad would remind me the danger I put her in, just by being important to me.  My mother gave her life to protect me, was I willing to risk the life of the girl I loved?  So, I was reduced to sneaking back to her while she slept…until it hurt too much to see her.  She went on with her life and I had to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart.

I relented to my father’s constant nagging and took a couple of basic college classes.  It was ironic, but I had become more like Bethany was when I first met her.  I attended my classes and kept to myself.  The new kid who had always made friends so easily was content to be a loner.  Occasionally, I would be invited to a study group, but I always politely declined.  When a pretty girl would send a shy smile my way, I pretended not to notice.  It only reminded me that the love of my life was lost to me.  Forever.

So I existed.  If you could call it that.

It was a little better when my dad was gone, which was a lot, per usual.  When he was around, he just made it worse.  He would try to get me out of the house constantly.  I didn’t want to go out to dinner or go to a soccer game.  When he came home from his last trip, he decided to bribe me to get out.  He knocked on my bedroom door, the place I spent most of my time, if I wasn’t at school or the beach. I ignored it.  He was the only one who could be knocking and I wasn’t interested in talking.

When it became obvious I wasn’t going to answer, he poked his head in the door.

“I’m sorry we had to leave the Mustang in storage in the states.  I’ve got the whole day free, why don’t we spend the day car shopping?”

“No thanks, the bus is fine.

This was just another variation on our normal script every time he came home.  It was getting old.  Not that I cared.  My dad took a deep breath and came to sit on the end of my bed.  I knew he was worried about me, but I really just wanted him to go away.  He was my dad, the only person I had left in the world, but I still partially blamed him for losing Bethany.  It was easier to blame him than it was to admit it was my own fault.  He put his hand on my shoulder to get my attention.

“Logan, it’s been a year.  It’s time to let go son.” 

I shrugged his hand off my shoulder.  Now I was furious and it felt good to feel something, beyond despair.

“Like you let go of Mom?  Why do we still have all of her stuff?  Why did it make the move with us all the way out here Dad?  You are a hypocrite,” I accused angrily.

That seemed to bring him up short.  Pain flickered across his face for a minute before he was able to get it under control.

“Your mother is dead!” He pointed his finger at me.  “I know leaving your girlfriend was hard, but she’s still alive.  It’s not the same thing.”

“I feel dead inside, so maybe it isn’t too different.” 

“I know it hurts, but you are doing the right thing.  You can’t afford to get close to anyone.  I’ve told you this since your mom died.”

I shook my head at him.  I didn’t have the energy to explain.  Loving Bethany wasn’t a choice.  It happened so quickly, it felt like I’d always loved her.  Now, she was lost to me.

“You had no choice, Logan.  It was time to move on.   You know that.”

“I HAD NO CHOICE BECAUSE YOU WOULDN’T GIVE ME ONE!  YOU HAVE DESTROYED ME!  I let you take away my choices and now I’ve lost her.  It’s too late to go back.”

But maybe I was wrong.  Maybe it wasn’t too late.  I was already on my way back when Beth pulled me back into her life.  Now, it was time to tell her everything and pray she understood.  More importantly, I prayed she could forgive me.

Chapter Nineteen

BETHANY

I woke up late the next morning.  While crying all night with Phantom Logan holding me was emotionally draining, it was also cathartic.  I sat up on my mattress and pushed my frizzy curls back.  My eyes burned and no doubt were puffy from crying myself to sleep.  I was a little thirsty too.  I wondered if it was possible to be dehydrated from crying too much.  Every muscle in my body still ached, but I managed to slowly rise from my mattress.  I decided to focus on my physical needs this morning, because if I let myself think about anything else, I would end up in a puddle of tears huddled under my covers.   I couldn’t decide what I wanted more, a shower or food.

The need to be clean won out.  I managed the few stilted steps to my tiny bathroom.  I filled the stained fiberglass tub with the hottest water I could stand, and eased into the steaming hot water, hoping to soothe my sore muscles.  The humid air in the bathroom quickly fogged up the mirror over the sink.  I closed my eyes and took deep breaths of moist air, while listening to the constant drip, drip, drip of my leaky bathtub faucet. 

I desperately attempted to keep my overwrought mind clear so I could relax.  It proved to be an impossible task.   Thoughts of my baby, Logan, and the future kept swirling in my mind.  Ultimately, I gave up and reluctantly opened my eyes.  Clouds of billowy steam wafted above my head in the dimly lit bathroom.   I caught myself searching in the corners of the room for human shapes and straining my ears for whispers of sound. 

Soon, I was scurrying to get out of the tub.  I was reduced to drying off with my hand towel.  I glanced over at my lone bath towel still lying on the floor as I was drying off.  I shook my head and dashed tears that filled my eyes.  That towel represented my last tangible link to my son.  No, not my son, James and Lauren’s son, I stubbornly reminded myself.  No more tears.  I was finished crying and feeling sorry for myself.  I searched around one more time before I left the bathroom, but I decided Logan was too much of a gentleman to be a peeping tom. 

When I was in labor, I was so sure I had lost it, it never even crossed my mind how awkward it would be to have Logan see me at such a revealing (in more ways than one) moment.  At the time, I don’t think I would have cared if he had come traipsing through my front door in the flesh.  I was in too much pain.  I couldn’t imagine a more personal, intimate moment in my life.  Logan was right, we did have a lot to talk about.  I needed answers, but I wasn’t ready to deal with him just yet.  I needed to recover physically and emotionally, before I would be in a state to confront him.

I walked out of my bathroom squeaky clean.  Now, it was time to address my next physical need.  I was starving.  Having a baby is hard work, there is a reason they call it labor.  I’d never done anything harder in my life, and I’d worked up quite an appetite.  I headed to the fridge.  There were still a several of pieces of the veggie pizza Logan ordered for me.  I almost ate it cold, I was so hungry.  The thirty seconds it took to warm the pizza up seemed like an eternity.  I had never tasted a better piece of veggie pizza in my life.  Hunger makes everything taste like heaven.  I ate it and washed it down with some ice water in less than ten minutes.

I rinsed my dishes off and made a stop at my pantry to take stock of my supplies.   A jar of peanut butter and some stale saltines.  Yummy.  My refrigerator didn’t boast much more.  I saw a few lonely hamburger pickles floating around in a pickle jar, some cheese that should be in a museum, and something that once must have been food, but was unidentifiable.

My lack of edible food, coupled with the fact that my rent was due in a few weeks, led me to the conclusion that it was time to get back to the diner.  I was not back to normal by any means, but surely I could handle a few shifts a week.  I looked around the place I called home.  It was a little depressing.  Okay, everything was a little depressing to me just now, but I needed to get out of here before I started blubbering again.  I took a deep breath and mentally steeled myself to walk to work.

The air was crisp, so I huddled in my hoodie and shoved my hands in my pockets.  My hair was still damp, so when the wind blew, it sent icy shivers down my spine.  The sky was crystal blue and the birds were chirping.  The fountain by the gazebo was still gurgling away like always.  Life had the audacity to go on while my soul was screaming out for the child that I would never hold again.  It didn’t seem right. 

No one was on the road when I turned on Main Street, to my relief.  It was ironic that my job as a waitress required me to interact with people and right now the last thing I wanted to do was see anyone.  But I could put on my polite mask and fulfil my duties as a waitress with no problem.   Customers didn’t’ ask personal questions, like how you were feeling or if you had enough food in your refrigerator to last the week.

I knew the minute I walked in the door Colleen was going to ask all of those questions and probably more.  The walk took me a little longer than it normally would, but eventually I made it to my destination. I winced as the cow bell over the door announced my arrival.  A couple of my coworkers exchanged surprised looks but quickly recovered enough to smile at me.  Amy, a sweet girl I went to high school with, was standing closest to the door with a tray in her hand,

“Bethany!  You look great.  We heard you had your baby.  How are you feeling?”

Desolate and empty would be two good words to describe how I felt, but I realized she was just asking to be kind.  She wasn’t asking for a breakdown of my mental state. 

“It was a bit of a surprise, but I’m feeling okay.”

“I heard you had him by yourself!  Girl, you are brave.”

I’d lived in this town most of my life, so I didn’t even wonder how Amy knew my delivery story already.  There were very few secrets in a small town.  I highly suspected most of the town knew about Jack’s abuse of my mother and me, but it was easier for them to pretend that they didn’t.

“Thanks, I don’t feel brave.  I just did what I had to do.  Is Colleen around?”  I asked, changing the subject.

“Yeah, she’s in the kitchen.  It’s good to see you back,” she added as she took her tray of drinks over to a booth.

I pushed the door to the kitchen open, taking in the familiar bustle of the kitchen in the morning.  I saw Colleen busily starting a new pot of coffee.  I tapped her on the shoulder to get her attention.  She turned and her whole face lit up when she saw me.

“Hang on just a second and let me get this going.”

Once she finished filling the reservoir and turning the coffee maker on, she pulled me into a huge hug.

“How are you darlin’?  I went by the hospital the other day and you were already gone.  Why didn’t you call me?”

She pulled back to give me a stern look. 

“Everything happened so fast, I never had a chance to catch my breath.  I had a friend bring me home.  I couldn’t stay there after the baby left,” I tried to explain.

“You poor thing.  I can’t imagine how hard that must have been.”

Suddenly it was so quiet you could hear a pin drop.  Everyone in the kitchen still looked busy, but they were quietly straining to hear our conversation.  Colleen glared at them and led me into her office, closing the door firmly.  She grabbed a white envelope from her desk drawer and thrust it into my hands.  I looked at her questioningly. 

“The servers wanted to get you a welcome home gift but didn’t know what you needed.  So they each donated last weekend’s tips.”

I was overwhelmed.  Slowly, I opened the envelope.  It had over three hundred dollars in it.  I shook my head immediately and put the envelope on her desk.

“I can’t accept this.  It is too much.”

“You are going to graciously accept every dime from your co-workers.  They care about you and want to help out. Who are you to refuse their generosity?  One day, it will be your turn to help someone else out.  Take it.”

She sternly thrust the envelope back into my hands.  There was nothing left to do but shove it in my pocket.

“I’m ready to work.  When can you put me back on the schedule?”

Colleen looked at me skeptically, taking in my puffy eyes and haggard appearance.

“Are you sure you are ready?  It’s only been a few days and you need your rest.”

“Please, Colleen.  I need to get back to work.  I’m ready today,” I pleaded desperately.

She wanted to argue with me, but reluctantly she nodded her head.

“Short shifts for the next couple of weeks, then I will but you on full-time.  Does that sound fair?”

I was relieved she gave in so quickly.  I needed to get back to work, not only to pay the bills but to distract me from my grief.

“We are short a server for breakfast today.  I’m sure Amy would appreciate the help.  After the breakfast rush, I want you to go home and rest.  Then, I’ll put you on two hour shifts for next week and four hour shifts week after next.”

“Thanks, I appreciate it.”

I went over and grabbed my apron off the hook and tied it around my smaller waist.  As I came out of the kitchen, a frazzled looking Amy made her way over to me.

“The guy at table three requested you by name.  Are you up for it?”

I smiled and nodded to her.  I walked over to table three as I grabbed my pad and pen from my apron pocket.  The smile froze on my face when I saw my customer.

“You look a lot different without that brat in your belly.”

Jack looked me up and down with a sneer.  I refused to react and stood staring down at him.  Once he realized he wasn’t going to intimidate me, he returned his eyes to the menu.

“Get me some coffee.”

I went to the coffee pot, poured him a cup and set it in front of him.

“May I take your order or do you need a few more minutes?”

He took a sip of his coffee before he answered me.

“This coffee is cold.  Go get me another cup, you stupid tramp,” he demanded.

I looked down at him for a minute.  He was a bitter, dried up old man, and I was amazed to realize I wasn’t scared of him anymore.  I smiled sweetly at him, picked up the cup of coffee, and dumped it into his lap.  His startled look of surprise was priceless.  He jumped up, howling in pain and indignation. 

“Guess that coffee was hotter than you thought.”

I turned and marched out the door.  I was certain I was going to get fired for what I had just done, but at the moment it was worth it.  It was gratifying to give Jack just a taste of what he’d given me over the years.  My feet automatically found my way back to my house.  After the elation of the moment wore off, I began to look over my shoulder.  I was reassured that Jack hadn’t followed me.  I almost reached the steps leading up to my apartment, when I noticed a familiar figure step in front of me.  I had never seen Jack so incensed.  His eyes were wild with hatred.

“Think you were going to get away with that, you bitch?”

He grabbed me before I could form my next thought.  He wrenched my arm behind my back and whispered menacingly in my ear.

“We are going to march upstairs little girl, and I’m going to make you wish you’d never been born.”

He twisted my arm a little tighter when I refused to budge.  My arm was going to snap any second, but I was not going to compliantly lead him into my apartment.  No way.  He would have to assault me in public.  At least that way I had some chance to survive.  I knew if I went anywhere with Jack, I was dead. He slammed my head into the banister and tried to drag me up the stairs.  I screamed and dug my heels in.  Just when I thought he was going to succeed in dragging me up the steps, I was mercifully released from Jack’s painful grip.

I didn’t stop to look back.  I grabbed my key from my pocket and raced up stairs.  A few seconds later, I heard Jack on my heels, pounding up the steps behind me.  A hand touched my shirt fleetingly before I heard a started shout.  I turned around just in time to witness Jack hurtling backwards down the stairs.  He continued to roll down until his head hit the concrete pad at the end of the stairway with a sickening thud.  I stood staring at him in complete shock as I noticed a puddle of blood forming around his head.

“Get inside now!  You aren’t safe.  Get in and lock the door behind you, now!”

Logan’s agitated voice got my numb legs moving.  My hands shook as I put the key in the lock and slammed the front door shut.  I stood at my door, panting and rubbing my throbbing head.

“Bolt the door, baby.  I don’t know when he’s going to wake up.”

I complied and locked the door.

“Good girl.  Do not open this door for anyone but me.  The phone is on the kitchen counter.  I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

I slid down the door in a heap.  After a few minutes, I gathered up the courage to look out the peep hole to see if Jack was still bleeding at the bottom of my stairs.  To my relief and horror, he was gone.