Breathe (8 page)

Chapter Nine

BETHANY

I woke up to a gentle kiss on my forehead.  I had no clue how long I slept, but the night still enveloped me in darkness.  The alarm clock on my nightstand announced it was almost 4:30.  Suddenly, Logan’s arms reached from behind to wrap around me.  Maybe I could blame my still groggy brain, but I didn’t stiffen in fear at the contact.  He stayed all night.  I burrowed my head back into the pillow to stall for time.  I needed a minute to collect my thoughts before I faced him.  He seemed to understand and just pulled me tightly up against him and patiently waited. 

The only other person that ever hugged or held me had been my mother.  Those times became few and far between as she became distracted with her own life and its problems.  I didn’t realize I missed it until this moment.  Everywhere his skin touched mine soothed an ache I didn’t know I had.  My muscles could relax for the first time in years.  It was a balm to my soul.  If I could live in one moment forever, this would be my moment.  His touch didn’t make the pain go away, but it made it bearable.  I felt tears sting my eyes as a struggled vainly swallow past the lump in my throat. 

The little girl inside me jumped up and down in excitement.  Was it possible to have a happily ever after despite the nightmare that my life had become?  “Yes” the little girl whispered, “but you have to be willing to take a chance.”  My scarred psyche rebelled and wanted to punch the little girl in the throat.  Dreams were for those too weak to face reality.  “What is going to happen when he walks away?  What will be left of you then?  Keep what is left of you safe, don’t let him hurt you.”

I shook my head and closed my eyes tightly.  It was just like the old cartoons where there was a demon on one shoulder and an angel on the other.  It would be comical if it wasn’t so confusing.  Making decisions was so much easier when emotion wasn’t involved, but I didn’t have that luxury were Logan was concerned.  I was petrified to feel anything.  The only way I was able to function was to be numb to pain.  In my experience, trust always left me burned.  Love only made me bleed. 

I would be crazy to believe that this time it would turn out any differently.  The question was not if Logan would hurt me; the question was, would the journey be worth the pain?  Would there be anything left of me when he was gone?  Could my sanity withstand one more blow?  Logan seemed to sense my unease.  He pulled me back even tighter against him.

“Relax, we don’t have to figure out everything today, angel.” He whispered softly into my ear.

I could hear the smile in his voice.  Up to this point, I had maintained my sanity by keeping my distance.  Maybe sanity is overrated.  At least this way when I was sitting in my padded room, I would have some happy memories to live in.  Maybe.

“This is all new to me.  It’s going to take some getting used to.” 

I carefully turned around in his arms and pushed on his chest just a bit to give me some more room before I was brave enough to face him.  He pulled back, still holding me loosely in his arms.  He nodded and flashed me that heart-stopping grin.  The boy was so hot, it literally took my breath away sometimes.  

“One day at a time is all I’m asking, remember?  I’m going to head home to shower and change.  Can I pick you up around 7:30?”

“Sure,” I agreed absentmindedly.

“If you even think Jack is awake, I want you to call me and I’ll be here sooner.”

As Logan got out of bed I tried to sit up, and my back immediately protested.  Waking up with Logan by my side was an excellent pain reliever.   I honestly hadn’t felt a thing until then.  When he saw me wince, he was immediately all business.   He started searching around my tiny room.

“Where’s your Advil?” 

“It’s on the dresser, but I really don’t need it.  My back is tons better today,” I protested.

He rolled his eyes at me skeptically.

“If you didn’t need it, you wouldn’t have winced when you tried to sit up.  I know you’re tough, but do me a favor and just take it for at least the next couple of days?  Please?” 

I relented sullenly and thrust my hand out when he opened the bottle.  He placed two pills in my hand. 

“You need something to take those with.” 

My heart stopped when he made his way toward my bedroom door.  I stepped into his path to block him.

“Were you dropped on your head as a baby?!?  You can’t just march into my kitchen at four thirty in the morning for a glass of water!”

“Watch me,” he cockily retorted.

He stepped around me, unlatched my lock, and marched through the bedroom door in one motion. 

I didn’t breathe again until I saw him pop his head through my door with a glass of water in his hand.

“Did you miss me?” He teased. 

“Well that seals it Logan.  You must have brain damage.  What if my mom or Jack had seen you?” 

I shuttered at the thought.

“Relax Beth.  They are both still asleep, and I was quiet.  Be a good girl and take your medicine.  I don’t want you getting out of that bed until these have a chance to take effect. “ 

I was quickly learning that Logan could be really bossy when he wanted to be. I must have missed the memo declaring him dictator.  I glared at him.

“Don’t look at me like that.  I am not a tyrant.  I just can’t stand to see you in pain.”

How could I say no to that?  He didn’t play fair.  I obediently took the water he held out to me and swallowed the pills.  He lifted my blanket up, indicating that I should lay back down.  I wanted to stubbornly refuse but to be honest, my back did hurt and it felt really nice for someone to take care of me.  I slowly lay back down with as much dignity as I could muster.  My attitude only amused Logan, judging by the barely suppressed grin on his face.  He tucked me in like a child and placed a quick kiss on my cheek before I could react.  I pretended to close my eyes as he turned towards the window.

“Bye sleepy head, I’ll see you in a couple of hours.  If you aren’t out front by seven thirty, I’ll have to scandalize your mother by coming in here to get you.”

My eyes immediately flew open.  He chuckled and gave me a quick wave before he made his way out the window.  After a few minutes, my eyes felt heavy and I managed to fall back asleep before my alarm went off at seven.

Getting ready for school and leaving the house was an activity I always relished.  While most kids loathed waking up early and listening to boring lectures, school was a refuge for me.  I was free from physical threat.  In elementary and junior high, it meant I got a hot meal.  School was something I excelled at because it was all I had to focus on in my life.  Learning gave me something to fill the lonely hours I spent in my room after school and on weekends. 

My grades ranked me in the top five in my freshman class.  Not that anyone knew beyond my teachers.  My mom quit looking at my school work and signing my report cards in fourth grade.  The last time I showed her my report card, I was so proud.  My lowest grade was a 96.  I ran all the way home, eager to show her.  My heart sank when she signed it without even bothering to look at my grades and handed it back to me.  After that day, I just scribbled what I hoped was an adult looking signature and turned it in. 

Today, I was actually feeling something more than relief at the prospect of going to school.  It was actually anticipation and that was very, very dangerous.  I was looking forward to seeing Logan again even though it had only been a couple of hours since I’d last seen him.   

I forced myself to wear my usual jeans and t-shirt instead of something trendier.  If he noticed that I dressed differently today, I would die of embarrassment.  I did spend a little more time on my hair and make-up.  After a few fruitless minutes, I gave up trying to tame my hair.  I managed to pull one side back with a million bobby pins.  I wasn’t big on make-up, but I put on eye liner in addition to my normal mascara and lip gloss.  I took a minute to study my reflection.

My hair was its usual crazy curly.  It went whatever way it wanted to as it tumbled to my shoulders.  It couldn’t decide what shade of brown it wanted to be.  I had strands that varied from light caramel to almost black.  The face that greeted me in the mirror was pretty ordinary.  My nose was a little too short and my eyes just a little too wide.  I doubted most people even looked at me twice.  I had perfected the art of being invisible to the point that most people never gave me a second look.

My normally dull green eyes sparkled with excitement.  I was excited!  I wanted to laugh and throw up at the same time.  Instead, I swallowed my emotions and stared myself down until those eyes ceased to betray me.  I opened the bathroom door and peeked out to make sure the coast was clear.  I didn’t hear a sound as I gathered up my books and shoved them into my backpack.

Logan’s car was already sitting in the driveway when I opened the front door.  I quickly made my way to the passenger side before he could jump out of the car and open my door.  It was a sweet gesture but really unnecessary. 

“Wow.  You look great,” he reached across the car and claimed my hand immediately.

So much for not making it obvious I put a little more effort into my appearance today.  I was embarrassed and wanted to jerk my hand away.  Instead of pulling out of the driveway like I desperately wished he would do, he just squeezed my hand until I finally looked up at him. 

“Beth,” he signed my name as if he read my mind, “You look good every day.  You look especially good to me now because I missed you like crazy the last three hours.  I guess don’t like being away from you.”

His humble admission made me less self-conscious, but I wasn’t willing to admit that I had missed him the few hours we were apart either.  When we drove into the parking lot, I found myself a little hesitant to become the object of curious stares, but sitting in the car was only going to delay the inevitable.  I took a deep breath, stealing my nerves for the challenge of walking to first period pretending not to notice everyone staring holes into my back. 

Logan got out of the car and walked beside me casually as we made our way to the front of the school.  He didn’t insist on taking my backpack, for which I was grateful.  When we got inside, instead of heading for his economics class, he turned with me to the freshman hall and walked me to my first class.  A few people still gawked at us with questions in their eyes, but for the most part it appeared that the novelty of the hot new guy hanging around the loser girl had faded. 

We lingered outside of the classroom for a few minutes, watching kids filling the halls on their way to class.  Neither of us was ready to start the school day. 

“See you at the lunch?” Logan finally broke the silence between us.

I nodded my assent, still keeping my eyes on the crowd filing around us.  I forgot to pack a lunch this morning.  Logan didn’t need to be skipping anymore meals on my account so I added,

“Let’s brave the school food today.  I willing to try if you are.”

“Yeah, I think I can do that,” he answered.

The first bell rang, signaling it was time for both of us to get to class.  Logan gave me a reluctant smile when I finally looked toward him.

“I guess I’ll see you at lunch then.”

He turned and made his way down the hall.  I watched him until he was out of site before I finally went into my classroom. 

Chapter Ten

LOGAN

Walking away from her was hard.  At least here at school we were under the same roof.  Leaving her at home was becoming increasingly more difficult.  I’ve never understood the lure of drugs or alcohol.  I was never even tempted.  Now, I appreciated how difficult an addiction could be because Bethany was mine.  There was no other word for it.  From the first time I saw her, I couldn’t keep myself from just being near her.  At first, I was satisfied to be near her in the library.  Now, even when I wasn’t with her, she was constantly in my thoughts.

I needed more and more time with her to satisfy me.  Last night, I couldn’t even bring myself to let her sleep alone.  The threat Jack posed to her was part of it, but if I was honest with myself, I was just loathe to leave her.  Addiction fitted what I was experiencing perfectly.  She was exhilarating, terrifying, and my whole world.  Despite my intention to go slow, it was getting harder and harder to temper my feelings for her.  The only thing that stopped me from telling her how I felt was my fear of losing her.

A punch to my shoulder quickly drew me out of my swirling thoughts about Bethany.  I was too preoccupied with her to notice how I made it to first period before the final bell.  Alex sat beside me with a goofy grin on his face.

“Saw you walking her to class this morning.  You guys finally go out?”

Alex was the first friend I‘d made in Fort Grange.  He was tall and lanky, the overachieving chess club type.  He managed to tear himself away from schoolwork long enough to run the mile for the track team.  He was friendly and we’d hung out at his house playing video games a few times.  Through him I met Wyatt, his best friend.  He was the guy sitting behind me.  Wyatt had shaggy brown hair that was usually in his eyes.  He was dressed in his usual attire--basketball shorts, ratty t-shirts, black socks, and sliders.  He was a little abrasive, but underneath it he was a decent guy.  I ignored Wyatt’s rude remarks about my relationship with Bethany and answered Alex instead.

“Yeah, a couple times—the beach, dinner, and just hanging out.”

“I never even noticed her until you asked about her.  I remember having the same lunch period with her in junior high, but she never talked to anyone and always sat alone.  Figured she was just a loner and never thought much about it.  Does she talk much?”

I knew he wasn’t intentionally making me mad, but the way he was talking about her rubbed me the wrong way.  I wanted to roar at him, instead I managed to grind out a reply.

“She is really quiet.  If you take the time to get to know her, she’s really smart and funny.  I really like her.”

That was putting it mildly, but that was all he needed to know.  Wyatt snorted behind me.

“She’s weird.  I wasn’t sure she could even talk.  I haven’t heard a word out of her mouth since she moved here seven years ago,” Wyatt sneered.

I immediately twisted around and grabbed the back of the seat hard to keep myself from doing something stupid.

“That’s enough, Wyatt.  Not. Another. Word.” I forced through my clenched jaws.

He’d gone too far, and I wanted to hit something.  I doubted I would be able to control myself if he continued to bad mouth her.  Something in my voice must have convinced him to back off because he threw his hands up in a gesture of surrender.

“Hey, ease up.  I didn’t mean anything by it.  I’m just surprised.  She’s never given anyone the time of day.  You show up and suddenly, she’s not only talking to someone, she’s dating,” he shrugged.

Mrs. Talbot stood up from her desk and decided to start her lecture for the day.  I turned around, grateful to have something else to focus my attention on.  Wyatt had never gotten under my skin before.  Hopefully, he would just keep his mouth shut when it came to Bethany.

Time seemed to crawl by until the lunch bell finally rang.  I had Beth’s schedule memorized, and I was waiting for her when she walked out of the gym.  She fell into step beside me, and we made our way to the cafeteria.  It took a lot of effort to keep myself from constantly staring at her; she was gorgeous. 

The cafeteria food looked as unappetizing as ever.  It was better than skipping lunch but not by much.  I was making a mental note to pack something edible for us for tomorrow when she looked up at me.

“So what looks like the safest choice today?”  She asked with a small smile.

“Hmm… let’s see…I’d stay away from the pizza.  It tastes more like cardboard since they started making it with that vile whole wheat crust.  The taco plate looks okay.  Although how they think one taco is enough is beyond me.  The government is trying to solve childhood obesity by making the food inedible or starving us to death.”

Then I heard something amazing.  I heard her giggle.  It was the first time I’d ever heard her laugh.  I felt twelve feet tall.  Not only was she smiling at me, but she actually laughed.  My girl laughed.  She nodded toward the taco line.

“Okay, let’s brave the taco plate.  If you are still hungry, I bet they will let you buy another one.”

I put my hand on her back, guiding her to the line.  She trembled slightly but didn’t flinch away. Before I could pay for both of our lunches, she gave her name to the cashier.  She was on the free lunch list.  She picked up her tray without a backwards glance, and I followed her to the end of a long empty table by the door.  I couldn’t decide if I should sit next to her or across from her.  I settled for across.  It would give her some space and give me an excuse to look at her.  I let her take a couple of bites of taco before I spoke.

“So what’s the plan for after class today?  You want to head to the beach?”

She put her taco down and took a sip of her chocolate milk before answering me.

“You know, you don’t have to entertain me every day.”

“I WANT to be with you, as much as you can put up with me.  If it gets to be too much for you, you say the word and I will back off.  I’ll take you anywhere you want to go.  My company is not mandatory.”

I tried to act nonchalant.  The last thing she needed was pressure from me.  I definitely did not want her spending any more time in her house than was absolutely necessary, but if she needed some space from me, I was willing to give it to her.  Even if it killed me.

She tilted her head at me skeptically.

“Don’t you have anything else you’d rather do than spend every afternoon with me?  I’m not that interesting.”

“If I had my way, I’d spend every second of every day with you.  What is it going to take to get you to believe that?”

She met my questioning gaze and whispered honestly, “I don’t know.”

“Okay then.  Let’s get back to an easier question.  What do you want to do after school?”

She looked down at her food.  At first, I wasn’t sure she was going to answer me.  It was a full minute before she replied.

“I still have a ton of make-up work to do from the week I missed that I need to put a dent in.  Does an afternoon in the library sound exciting enough for you?”

“It sounds amazing.  Why is it so hard for you to believe that I want to be where you are?”

She seemed a little exasperated that I wasn’t willing to let this topic go. 

“I just don’t see the fascination.  You’re new in town, so I guess you don’t realize I’m the local loner freak.  Let’s be honest, you could be with any girl in this school you want. I can’t figure out why you’d waste your time on me.”

“I like who you are, and I’m happier when I’m with you.”

I reached across the table to grab her hand off the tray she was nervously toying with.  I realized nothing I could say was going to get past the skewed view she had of herself.  Her step father’s lies were easier for her to believe. 

“Maybe I have a thing for loners.  Maybe I have a thing for girls with gorgeous green eyes.  Whatever it is, I want you.”

The seconds ticked by and we sat there, trying to silently convey words we were hesitant to give a voice to.  The bell rang and she picked up her tray.

“See you in the library after school,” she called.

“I’ll be there,” I promised.

She didn’t turn around but nodded her head as she made her way to the freshman hall.  Resisting the urge to follow her to class like a puppy wasn’t easy.  I managed to turn and walk in the opposite direction from her.  Maybe addiction wasn’t a strong enough word.

Those first few weeks, our lives fell into a pattern.  I would pick her up for school every morning.  We’d eat lunch together.  Sometimes Wyatt and Alex would sit with us.  At first she ate her lunch silently, listening to our conversation but not adding to it.  Wyatt basically ignored her, but Alex would nod his head in her direction, silently acknowledging her when he sat down.  Gradually, she would throw in a comment or two, but generally she was content just to listen.  After school we would head to the library or my house to finish homework.  The weekends, we spent at my house if my dad was away.  We usually ended up at the beach on Sundays after church.  I always kept her with me as long as possible.  I would walk her in the door at ten on the dot every night and force myself to leave her there.

Occasionally, Beth would fall asleep at my house while we were watching TV or in the car on the way to the beach.  Within just a few minutes of falling asleep, she would thrash, scream, and cry, sobbing unintelligible words that broke my heart.  When I would ask her what her nightmares were about, she refused to answer me or claimed to have forgotten.  All I had to do was look into her eyes to see the depth of pain there.  I prayed for strength for when she was ready to tell me about it.

My dad was usually gone on his mysterious ‘business trips’ so I did not have to explain her for a while.  One night we were eating dinner when he surprised us by waltzing through the front door.  He did a double take when he saw her sitting beside me on the couch eating pizza. 

“Well, hello.”  He stammered. 

I had never brought a girl home before, partially because I knew he didn’t like the idea of me dating someone seriously.  I’d never met a girl before that I wanted to be serious about, so it had never been an issue.  Bethany stiffened beside me at the sound of my dad’s voice.  I gave her arm a reassuring squeeze.

“Dad, this is my friend Bethany.” 

She plastered on her mask and nodded her head towards him.

“Nice to meet you.”

I wasn’t sure if my dad could hear her or not.  She was on autopilot and there was not much I could do with my dad there to make it easier for her.  I tried to deflect his attention from her. 

“There’s some pizza on the table if you’re hungry.” I offered. 

“Thanks son.  I am STARVING!  I’m going to head up to my room.  I’m exhausted.  Nice to meet you Bethany.”

As he made his way toward the kitchen, I felt Beth relax a little.  I pulled her a little closer to me, hoping to reassure her. 

“Baby, it’s okay.  You knew I had a dad right?” 

I tried to tease her, but she was still very wary so I tried again. 

“Look at me.”  Slowly she turned her glassy stare my way.  “I would never, ever bring you around someone I did not trust.  My dad has never raised his voice to me, much less his hand.  He will not hurt you.” 

“Won’t he be mad that I am here?  He seemed surprised to see me.”  She asked worriedly. 

“Maybe he was a little.  He’s been gone for a few weeks, and I haven’t really had a chance to tell him about you.  He’s fine with me having friends over.  If he had a problem with you being here, he would have let both of us know immediately.  Everything is fine.”

The stricken expression on her face dissipated but was replaced with a look of worry. 

“I should leave so you can spend some time with your dad.” 

The uncertainty in her voice tore at my heart.  She pushed off the couch, getting ready to leave.  

“Please don’t ever feel that way.  I want you with me.  My dad is cool, and I will figure out how to explain it to him.”

I kept my gaze steady so she would know I was serious before I spoke my next words. 

“I am here for you for as long as you want me.  Always.” 

I wasn’t sure, but I thought I might have seen tears in her eyes before she blinked them away.  She stood up snatched her plate off the coffee table, and stormed towards the kitchen. 

After she put her plate in the sink, she was startled to see me two feet behind her when she turned around.  She started to walk around me to make her way back to the living room without saying a word.  I tried to reach for her as she went around me, but she managed to slip away.

The only way I could get her to stop and talk to me would be to physically restrain her.  So I did the only thing I could do, I followed her back to the living room.  She looked at the door longingly and for a minute I was afraid we were going to have this conversation walking aimlessly around the neighborhood.  She must have realized my resolve because half way to the front door, she turned around and threw herself on the couch.

She glared at me and crossed her arms over her chest.  Dang, she was adorable when she was upset.  I did not want her to feel threatened so I sat in the chair across from the couch. 

“Okay.  Are you going to tell me what I said that apparently ticked you off so much you couldn’t stay in the same room with me?”