Brecht Collected Plays: 1: Baal; Drums in the Night; In the Jungle of Cities; Life of Edward II of England; & 5 One Act Plays: "Baal", "Drums in the Night", "In the Jungle of Ci (World Classics) (47 page)

WIFE
wrapping herself
: I was asleep.

FISHERMAN
: You see that door’s kept unlocked, damn you. How are people to get in?

WIFE
: What, with me lying asleep?

FISHERMAN
: It’ll be unlocked from now on, I tell you.
Staggers to the table
.

FIRST MAN
: He’s had a bit too much, Missus. But the three of us made it.

WIFE
: Oh, it’s you, Mac? Well, well, there he is, full as a herring barrel. Not much in
his
barrels, though.

FISHERMAN
: That’s not right. All my best ideas come to me when I go on the booze.

WIFE
: And how’s that going to feed us?

FISHERMAN
: You don’t need food when you’ve been boozing.

SECOND MAN
: The right place for you is bed.

FISHERMAN
: He’s worse than I am. He’ll pass out as soon as he sits down. Can’t take it. Tacking about like a yawl in a squall. Give him a coffee.

WIFE
: Expect me to cook in the middle of the night?

FIRST MAN
: Not for my sake, Missus.

FISHERMAN
: Would you rather I came home in the morning? Get along into that kitchen! And make it hot.

WOMAN
exits right
: Wish the drink would kill you.

FIRST MAN
: Not much fun for her.

FISHERMAN
: It isn’t for anybody. God, I’m sleepy. Missus!

WIFE
returning
: What are you yelling about now?

FISHERMAN
: Give us a wash.

WIFE
: At this time of night?

FISHERMAN
: Wash, wash, wash. I shut my eyes and there’s the sky as pink as a bloody rosebush. Like the Kingdom of Heaven, except it makes me belch.

The wife washes his head. He almost drops off to sleep
.

SECOND MAN
grinning
: Just out of bed.

FIRST MAN
: That’s not hard to see.

SECOND MAN
: Makes them look like ruffled cats.

FIRST MAN
: She’s got some meat on her.

SECOND MAN
: He’s a bloody fool.

FISHERMAN
: Sod it. I left my pipe across the road. Get it, woman.

WIFE
: In my nightdress?

FIRST MAN
: One of us could go.

SECOND MAN
: Yes, one of us could go.

FIRST MAN
: Shall I?

SECOND MAN
to the wife
: Tisn’t a night for you to be going over there.

FIRST MAN
: Their eyes would pop out of their head.

SECOND MAN
: I’ll go.

FIRST MAN
: I don’t mind going.

Nobody moves
.

WIFE
: They’ll laugh at me over there.

SECOND MAN
: All right, one of us’ll go.

FIRST MAN
: It wouldn’t take a moment for one of us, really.

SECOND MAN
: Isn’t as if it were all that far.

FIRST MAN
: No reason why you should go out in your nightdress for him.

SECOND MAN
: Can’t have that.

FIRST MAN
: So he’ll just pop across. We can’t have that.

FISHERMAN
: But mind you’re back for your coffee, Fred.

SECOND MAN
: Watch my smoke.
Goes reluctantly off
.

WIFE
: Coffee won’t be long. It’s nearly boiling.

FIRST MAN
: That’s all right: I’m not cold.

WIFE
: Won’t hurt you to have a cup.

FIRST MAN
: I can still see pretty well, thanks.

WIFE
: Then shut your eyes, Mac.

FIRST MAN
: Light’s not good enough.

WIFE
: He’s nearly asleep.

FIRST MAN
: He’s too drunk.

WIFE
: He’s a pig.

FIRST MAN
: Coming home like that.

WIFE
: As usual.

FIRST MAN
: You look all right, though …

WIFE
: I’m just in my nightdress.

FIRST MAN
: What’s wrong with that?

FISHERMAN
starting up
: Shut the door, damn it. Water’s too bloody cold. Get the coffee. Wrong with what?

WIFE
: The water being cold.

FISHERMAN
: Get moving, you cow.

WIFE
: Fred’s gone over the way for me, though.

FIRST MAN
: I felt like staying.

The wife laughs and exit
.

FISHERMAN
: Nag nag nag, because I got her up. Treating me like a bloody animal. Laziness, that’s all. A lot of sluts, they are.

FIRST MAN
: Well, I’m off.

FISHERMAN
: Not had enough yet?

FIRST MAN
: The room’s going round.

FISHERMAN
: Sit down.

FIRST MAN
: I’ll pass out.

FISHERMAN
: What, can’t you take it? You two lead immoral lives; saps your energies. I can take anything.

FIRST MAN
in the doorway, speaks to the right
: Must have been nice and warm in bed.

WIFE
: Trying to make me go out.

FIRST MAN
: Half naked.

WIFE
: All on account of that old soak.

FIRST MAN
: Bet those tiles on the kitchen floor are cold.

WIFE
: Hell.

FIRST MAN
: With those warm feet of yours.

WIFE
: What do you men have to get so drunk for always?

FIRST MAN
: With me it’s because I haven’t got a wife.

WIFE
: And if you had?

FIRST MAN
: Everything would be different.

WIFE
: That’s what they all say.

FIRST MAN
: I’m not like that. I’m not drunk, either.

WIFE
: Hold the pot for me a minute.

FIRST MAN
: I’m not that drunk.

Goes into the kitchen
.

FISHERMAN
raises his head from the table
: My head’s buzzing. Like a roundabout. And that damned curtain. Mac! Rotten drunken bastard. Drinks like a fish. As if it was free … Where’s the bugger got to? Aha! Pull yourself together, Hansen, and get sober. On your feet! Attention! Right wheel, quick march.
Goes upstage left to a bucket of water
. Knees bend! Now the high dive!
Dips his head
. Brr!
A pan falls in the kitchen
. Hullo, what’s going on?
Steps over to the right, stooping with his head down dripping water, and listens. Then unsteadily back to the left
. Missus!

WIFE
comes a shade too hastily
: Well? What is it this time?

FISHERMAN
: Give me your apron. Quick.
Stamps his foot
.

WIFE
: What have you been sticking your head in? That’s the washing-up water.

FISHERMAN
: It’s clean enough. Apron!

WIFE
takes an apron from the peg and wipes him with it. To the right
: Mind it doesn’t boil over, Mac!

FISHERMAN
: Now get a move on. Coffee! Do you want us to
stay up all night? Won’t it boil without a kick up the arse?
Ties his wife’s apron on her
. And you wear that. Want me to fetch the parson? Quick march!
Gives her a kick, and she goes off right. He sits at the table, thinking
. Tisn’t boiling over. He’s pissed as arseholes. She’s half naked, the little tart. Anyhow, I’m going to sleep. Sleep! Don’t care if he does her or not. Sleep. Birds of a feather flock together. Under my own roof, too. Suppose I chuck him out and bolt the door, then they’ll slip the bolt and laugh like drains. And if I stop them getting down to it here, then she’ll nip off and I won’t see what happens. Shit. The bleeders. Sleep, that’s the answer.

WIFE
bringing coffee
: Drink that.

FIRST MAN
behind her
: It’s a life-saver.
They drink coffee
.

FISHERMAN
: Sit down. There. Get my net.

WIFE
: What do you want your net for?

FISHERMAN
bangs the table
: I said get it.

FIRST MAN
: What, at this time of night?

WIFE
gets it
: Thinking of going out fishing?

FISHERMAN
: Fishing, ha ha ha!

WOMAN
: Caught nothing all day. Just boozed, you did.

FISHERMAN
: All my best ideas come to me when I go on the booze. When I go on the booze I go fishing. Mend the net.

WOMAN
: What, at this time of night?
Starts mending it
.

FISHERMAN
bangs the table
: At this time of night!

FIRST MAN
: That’s not right. Nobody ought to do anything now but sleep. Don’t
you
feel sleepy?

FISHERMAN
: Like after a booze-up. You finished?

FIRST MAN
: They’re still boozing over the way.

FISHERMAN
: It’s Midsummer Day.

FIRST MAN
: They ought to go to bed.

WIFE
: Like Christians …

FISHERMAN
: Like us. You know, when you get in and let go – there’s another hole there, Missus – and feel heavy as an anchor and down you sink – lazy cow – and forget everything, so utterly pissed, and don’t give a bugger … Finished?

FIRST MAN
: I seem to have got heavier too. Thanks for the coffee. Sleep well.
Leaves
.

WIFE
: Good night, Mac. And thanks for bringing that drunken layabout home.

FISHERMAN
bangs the table
: Clear it away.

WIFE
: It can wait.

FISHERMAN
: Lazy bitch. Get into that kitchen. Clear up. Wash up.

WIFE
taking the candle
: Oahh, I can’t keep awake.

FISHERMAN
: Leave the candle there. Get on.
Exit wife
. Footy-footy under the table. Right. I’ll make that bastard pay for his coffee. He’ll have worked out that those feet lead up to thighs and so on, on and on, keen eye and steady hand will bring you to the promised land. Smashing.
Gets up, picks up the net and performs the following actions as he mutters to himself. He fixes the net above the bed, gets a heavy rock anchor and rolls it on to the edge of the bed below. None of this is very clearly seen, though in the process he has to stand on the bed
. There we are, that goes there, and there; right, smashing, and … enjoy your little arrangement, my … darlings. Immorality! Boozing! Think you’re so bloody clever! Like cats.
Climbs down
. Now let me dip my head in the trough and just watch me sleep …
Lurches out. The two men reappear
.

FIRST MAN
: Might as well see each other home. Two are tougher than one.

SECOND MAN
: So I fetched his pipe and you got your way.

FIRST MAN
: Afraid the coffee’s finished.

SECOND MAN
: What a pal, drinking my coffee while I was wandering around in the dark so you could have a chance to stay.

FIRST MAN
: Weren’t keen, were you?

SECOND MAN
: I fell over twice.

FIRST MAN
: Shouldn’t have drunk so much.

SECOND MAN
: Or gone across there.

FIRST MAN
: You’re too young.

SECOND MAN
: Just why I went. I thought an old man wouldn’t be up to it physically.

FIRST MAN
: Let’s go. There’s nobody here.

SECOND MAN
: I must say good night.

FIRST MAN
: Why not just leave the pipe?

SECOND MAN
: What, and not say good night?

FIRST MAN
: They won’t want to be interrupted. They’re on their own.

SECOND MAN
: They aren’t in bed yet.

FIRST MAN
: A man and his wife.

SECOND MAN
: Oh, you make me sick, you and your poaching.

FIRST MAN
: What do you mean?

SECOND MAN
: I’ll spell it out for you. I’m attracted too.

FIRST MAN
: Who by?

SECOND MAN
: You watch it, Mac.

FIRST MAN
: Ought to be ashamed of yourself. Young whipper-snapper like you.

SECOND MAN
: As for a fellow of your age …

FIRST MAN
: She’s faithful.

SECOND MAN
: Which bit of her?

FIRST MAN
: Her heart.

SECOND MAN
: It’s her legs we’re interested in.

FIRST MAN
: If you want to talk dirty you can count me out.

SECOND MAN
: Just that I want a go too.

FIRST MAN
: I’ll tell Tom.

SECOND MAN
: I’ll sodding do you.

FIRST MAN
: Go on, then.

SECOND MAN
: Cowardy.

FIRST MAN
: All piss and wind.

SECOND MAN
: Rotten bastard.