Bright Lights, Big Ass: A Self-Indulgent, Surly, Ex-Sorority Girl's Guide to Why It Often Sucks in the City, or Who Are These Idiots and Why Do They All Live Next Door to Me? (41 page)

¹²
Same thing goes for Nancy Pelosi—I’m not so much into her views, but I totally respect her personal style. And we should
so
nominate her colorist for president.

¹³
Seriously, if you’re going to base a church on science fiction, at least base it on
good
sci-fi. Like the Holy Temple of The Men in Black with Reverend Will Smith.

¹⁴
Sean Hannity, squee!

¹⁵
Ann Coulter is living proof that there’s such a thing as karma, and sometimes it tastes like coconut cream!

¹⁶
That? Was expensive.

¹
Apparently you can’t call for the death penalty on a simple B&E. Also judges do not appreciate helpful suggestions.

²
Bone spurs and bunions? Yes. But my calves look great as I limp past you.

³
No one’s allowed to make up cute little contractions
but me
.

⁴
I think it was supposed to be some sort of calzone.

⁵
This has got to be payback for buying her kids drum sets and cap guns.

⁶
Because there’s no way I physically will.

⁷
Read ridiculous.

⁸
Fletch is still allowed to work the grill because the worst he can do out there is burn stuff.

⁹
Hee—porno again.

¹⁰
Back in the salad days of our dating life when I thought it was funny for him to ruin our groceries by shaping them into zoo animals.

¹
Oh, wait. That last bit is from
Independence Day
when they bring down all the aliens’ ships. My bad.

²
Some would say it’s “The March of the Toreadors” from the opera
Carmen
. Whatever, you
vegans.

³
Played by Vince Vaughn before he got all bloated.

⁴
FYI, $4.00/word writing jobs for
Vogue
don’t exist,
Carrie.

⁵
I heart you, Kristen Bell.

⁶
Fifty.

⁷
Note to self: Add “sit in judgment” to skills list.

⁸
Sure, I could have caught up with them at the reunion this year, but (a) I had a zit on my neck and (b) I’d gained a ton of weight since my size-five Jordache jeans days. And I wasn’t nice enough in high school for either the blemish or the cellulite to be forgiven, so I stayed home.

⁹
Which is why I fail to see how it’s my fault when the shredder catches on fire.

¹⁰
I told you so, Jimmy Neutron.

¹¹
From Target! I heart you, Isaac Mizrahi.

¹²
Do not heart you now, Isaac Mizrahi. Would a little bit of cushioning have killed you?

¹³
Who obviously do not have enough work to do.

¹
Thus rendering satisfying eavesdropping completely impossible.

²
Thank God we don’t do triathlons—Fletch’s legs would look
so
much better than mine if he shaved them.

³
We teetered precariously on the edge that time I wrote “asshole” on his arm in self-tanner and he had to wear long-sleeve shirts for a whole week in the middle of summer, prompting him to retaliate by shaving off most of my eyebrow. We called a truce after that, too—no one wanted to lose a tooth. Or worse.

⁴
Although if you have a trick for putting on lipstick
and
not steering into a mailbox, I’d certainly like to hear it.

⁵
A Trixie is a Jetta-driving, PR-job-having, overpaid, Kate Spade–carrying, bleached-toned-and-clueless girl who shares a $2,000 apartment with five of her sorority sisters. (And yes, I used to be one.) (Shut up.)

⁶
Have I ever mentioned what a poor winner I am?

⁷
Not.

⁸
Fine—I mostly listened to Wham! and the Go-Gos, but I totally appreciated the good stuff, too.

⁹
The upside of a narcissistic personality disorder is you think your own jokes are the funniest in the world.

¹⁰
We should totally hold a telathon for him.

¹¹
Years from now, monuments will be built to recognize the genius of Matt Stone and Trey Parker.

¹²
Also? We grocery shop a lot. No wonder we’re fat.

¹
Except stupid Brenda Mitchell. But more on that bitch in a minute.

²
Except for Jen H., who accused me of sleeping with her boyfriend, which for the record
I never, ever did, not once, not even close
. Sure, of course I made out with him—he looked just like Christopher Atkins! How do you
not
kiss Mr. Blue Lagoon, given the opportunity? But no s-e-x. That’s for damn sure.