Bring Me Back (7 page)

~Ian

It is close to 7:00 p.m. when I finally get Ally loaded into the car.  She is in more pain than she is letting on and I can see it in her movements.  She thinks she is covering it up, but when you spend months watching someone try to make it through pain, like I did with Laney, you tend to pick up on even the smallest indications.

I swing by the drug store and pick up Ally’s pain medication and an antibiotic while she waits in the car.  I notice that Ally doesn’t look at anything as we drive.  Her eyes remain on her lap, and upon further analyzing, I see that her hands are shaking.  When we are back on the road and headed out of town, I can feel the relief from both of us.

Getting Ally into the house takes some time.  She is so sore, but refuses to say so, so I am forced to stand back and watch her struggle as she climbs the stairs one at a time—pausing to catch her breath.  By the time she reaches the top, she is panting and sweating.  When she looks up and sees me standing in front of her with my hands on my hips, she smiles so slightly, that if I wasn’t looking straight at her, I might have missed it.  “Ready for some help?”  I ask, tilting my head to the side.  “Yes, I guess I might need a little.” 
Finally!
  I am starting to realize that Ally has just a bit of a stubborn streak.

We make much better time once she surrenders to my assistance.  “Do you want to be on the couch or in your bed?”  I pause with her before we head out of the kitchen.  “I think the couch please.”  She looks around.  “Um….Ian?  Would you mind helping me to the bathroom?”  I can tell she is mortified to have to ask me to do this, so I try not to make it worse.  “Of course, just take it slow.”  I wait patiently outside the bathroom door, praying that she is able to handle everything alone in there.  After a few minutes she emerges.  “Thanks.”  She says softly and takes my arm as I assist her to the couch. 

Grabbing a glass of Sprite and a blanket, I get her settled.  I hand her the TV remote, and as she is surfing through the channels, I ask her if she needs anything else right now.  “I’m okay Ian, thank you for everything.”  I turn and look around, “Okay, I’ll see you soon.” I say as I walk to the front door.  “Okay.”  She says softly.

***

I pull my car back into my garage and head inside for a shower and to pack a few things.  The shower feels great.  I feel like I need to wash the memories of the hospital away.  The smell seems to be imbedded in my nostrils, and my hair is an absolute mess.  I’m not sure what happened to it, but it looks like I walked through a wind storm.  I think back onto the last 18 hours I spent with Ally. I feel like I have taken on something beyond my control, but in a way it doesn’t seem like a burden.  I can’t explain it, but this is the first time in the past year that I feel like I have a purpose.  Even if it is only for a couple of weeks, I
will
help Ally get back on her feet. 

I throw on some sweats and grab a change of clothes, as well as my toothbrush and a couple more personal items.  I turn the porch light on as I lock the door, and turn to head back to Ally’s.

Chapter 19

~Ally

Ian had been gone for about an hour when I hear the front door open.  I look back and see him standing in the entry way with a bag.  “What are you doing?”  I am so confused.  “I am staying with you.”  He says simply as he drops the bag by the side of the end table and walks around to the chair across from the couch.  I shake my head, “What do you mean you’re staying here?  Ian, you don’t have to do this.”  He leans forward and places his elbows on his knees.  “I do Ally, you can’t stay alone, the doctor even said so. What if you fall?”  Great, I have made this poor man feel obligated to take care of me.  “Ian, while I appreciate your willingness to help me, please don’t feel obligated to.”  I sigh, “You have done more than enough already, more than you should have.” 

Before I know it, he is sitting next to me.  Grabbing my hand in his, he says, “Ally, I
want
to do this—I
need
to do this, as much for you as myself.  I know that doesn’t make sense, but I think there is probably quite a bit about both of us that doesn’t make sense.”  What can I say to that?  I don’t know what else to do, but nod.  He lets a deep breath out and nods too.

“Okay,” as he stands.  “What do you want for dinner? I know it’s after 9:00 p.m., but we need to eat, and then you can go to sleep.”  He says very matter of fact. 
Sleep
.  I can’t sleep, and I don’t know how to explain that to Ian. “Sandwiches?” He asks as he looks through the refrigerator.  “That sounds perfect Ian, thank you.”  I start trying to find excuses to tell him about why I can’t sleep.  Before I can figure it out, Ian is setting two plates on the coffee table.  Wow, that sandwich looks fabulous.  I didn’t realize how hungry I was until just now.  “Looks great!”  I say as I pick it up.  Taking a bite, I can’t help but close my eyes and let out a soft moan.  When I open my eyes, Ian is looking at me with an inquisitive look on his face.  I cover my mouth and mumble, “Sorry, I guess I’m really hungry.  It tastes great.”  He smiles and returns to his own sandwich.

Things are surprisingly comfortable with Ian.  We watch TV and chat about the different shows we like to watch, but more surprisingly is the fact at how comfortable the silence is.  It’s nice that he doesn’t feel the need to fill any void with useless conversation.  I don’t think I could handle that.  When you are alone for 99.9% of the time, you get used to the silence. 

“Hey Ally, can I ask you something?”  Ian says while turning to face me. 
Oh no, so much for silence
.  “Sure.”  I say nervously.  “Um, why do you run at night?”  He clears his throat, “I mean, I have been running the same path during the day, and the trees are so thick that it must be pitch black at night.”  I look down at my hands and breathe deeply before I look up to answer. “I don’t know how to explain it.  I run at night because I
can
—I can allow my senses to take over and depend wholly on myself.”  I shrug, knowing that my words explain absolutely nothing, but he nods at me and looks satisfied, so I relax.

It is close to 1:00 a.m., and I need to make another stop at the bathroom.  “Ian?”  He looks over and doesn’t even need to ask, he just gets up and helps me to my feet.  I groan at the pain in my stomach.  It is so sore.  We walk carefully to the bathroom and Ian releases my hand as soon as I reach out and grab the counter.  He closes the door and gives me privacy to do my business.  While I’m in there, I wash my face and brush my teeth, and when I open the door, Ian steps out of my bedroom.  “I have your bed pulled back, it’s late, and you need your rest.”  He raises his right eyebrow when I make no movement.  “Come on,” He holds his hand out.  I take it, but my mind is going a mile a minute. 
I can’t sleep!
 

As we walk into my room, I take note of the stack of books and magazines on the bedside table.  I will just have to keep myself awake with reading tonight.  I can sleep during the day tomorrow, and Ian will think it is just because I’m recovering.  He sits me gently on the side of the bed and hands me two pills and a glass of water.  “The pain medication and your antibiotic.” He explains as I take them. “Do you want me to turn off the light?” He says, reaching for the switch.  “No!”  He looks startled by my sudden outburst, so I try again. “No thank you, I’m going to just read for a bit.  I can turn out the lamp when I’m done.”  He nods and starts to leave.  Turning back at the doorway, he says, “Ally, I’ll be on the couch if you need anything.”  Then he’s gone.

***

It’s that smell again
.  I can’t place it, maybe metallic, but it is not pleasant.  I hear it again—the crying.  It’s the same nightmare every time.  “Dad?”  I whisper. In slow motion they both turn toward each other and then over their shoulders at me. 
Blood!
  It is
everywhere
! The faces of the two people I love more than life are almost unrecognizable. “Run Ally!”  It sounds like a gurgling sound from my mom, but the best she can do with all of the blood.
Run?
I turn and run smack into the wall…wait, not a wall, but a man.  I tilt my head up.  He is smiling at me. The smile is pure evil.
Oh God!
“Welcome home.” 

Chapter 20

~Ian

Shit!
 I’m up with the first scream—running toward the room. The small lamp is still on and I can see her struggling.  “Ally!”  I run to her. “Ally!  Stop!”  I am trying to get her to hold still, afraid she will hurt herself so soon after surgery. She is screaming, pushing the covers away frantically.  She is sweating, my God, she is completely drenched. “Ally, please stop, please!”  Pleading with her, I grab her and hold her, sitting on the bed, I hold her so tight against me. 

She’s not screaming anymore, but now she is making the most excruciating moaning sound.  Her right hand finds its way to her abdomen and she moans.  Without letting her go, I relax my grip a little so I don’t hurt her, and then she begins to tremble. 

Goodnight, my angel
Now it's time to dream
And dream how wonderful your life will be
Someday your child may cry
And if you sing this lullabye
Then in your heart
There will always be a part of me
Someday we'll all be gone
But lullabyes go on and on...
They never die
That's how you
And I
Will be

She is singing. Her shaking is so tremendous that it has me shaking right along with her.  I look at her and see that her eyes are closed so very tight, and it looks like she may have bitten her bottom lip.  I rock her—pulling her into my lap, holding and rocking her.  I smooth her wet hair away from her face, coming into contact with that same scar that I saw while she slept at the hospital. Soon she stops singing and begins to whimper, still holding her stomach. “Oh God Ally!”  I can’t help it, I start to cry. “Oh God Ally, what happened to you?  Who did this to you, baby?”  I kiss her hair and continue to rock her until the shaking stops and we are both so tired that we collapse.  Pulling her into my arms, we both fall asleep in her bed, with the light still on.

***

I feel her move away, and I reach and pull her back, basking in the warmth of a woman, pressed against me.  “Ian, that hurts.” 
Oh shit!
I sit up so quickly that I am disoriented for a moment.  “Ally!  I’m so sorry, are you okay?”  She is trying to sit up, but she can’t.  I put my arm around the back of her and help her up gently.  It doesn’t matter how small the moves are, she is hurting, and by the look on her face, it’s
bad
.

“Ian? I need to use the bathroom, but I’m not sure I can walk right now.”  She speaks so softly that I’m having trouble hearing her.  “What did you say Ally?”  She closes her eyes and her cheeks become slightly red. “I can’t walk, it hurts too much.”  Before giving it a second thought, I lean down and scoop her up, carrying her across the room to the master bathroom.  I set her next to the toilet and place her hand on my waist as I turn around.  “Use me to balance Ally, I’ll stay turned around.”  I can’t imagine how embarrassing this must be for her, so I try to make it as easy as possible, acting like this is something barely acquainted neighbors do all the time.  When she is finished, I feel her hand back on my waist for a moment, and then she tells me she’s done.  I help her the few steps to the sink where she washes her hands and brushes her teeth, and then she looks up into the mirror and our eyes lock.  I nod, and she nods back—our unspoken communication.

Gently lifting her, I carry her back into the living room and set her gently on the couch.  “Give me a minute, and I’ll get us something to eat and get your pills.”  I walk to the bathroom to take care of my own needs.

***

With the coffee maker started, and toast in the toaster, I grab Ally’s medicine and a glass of water.  Knowing the answer before I ask, “Do you want two of the pain pills?”  She just nods.  I shake out two and then one of the antibiotics and put them in her hand, giving her a moment to place them in her mouth before handing her the glass.  After she swallows them, I place the water on the table and return to the kitchen.  I butter our toast and pour two cups of coffee. “Ally? How do you take your coffee?”  I ask before returning.  “Black, please” She says as I gather our plates and mugs and carefully juggle them back to the couch.  She takes a bite of the toast, and then sets it down.  “Ian, I don’t know what to say.”  I set my plate down and look at her.  “About what?” I ask, not trying to pretend, but I just want to make sure what she is referring to before I answer. “About what happened last night.  I should have told you.”  She looks at me and then quickly looks away.  “Should have told me what Ally?” I say softly.  She looks at me and her eyes show such sadness. “That I can’t sleep at night.”  I wait for her to continue. “When I sleep at night, they come….the nightmares.”  It makes more sense now, the reason why I hadn’t seen her for weeks when I first moved here, her running at night, her not wanting the lights off, both here and in the hospital.  “Ally?  Do you want to talk about it?”  I ask, knowing she probably won’t, and I’m right.   Shaking her head, “No, not right now.”  I nod, “Okay, but when you’re ready, I’ll be here.”  I say, and I mean it.  “Thank you, Ian. For everything.”  She says as she picks up her toast again.