Brocreation

Brocreation

A Play in One Act

By Ashley Lauren Rogers

For licensing and production rights please visit AshleyLaurenRogers.com

AUTHORS ELEMENTS OF STYLE

...

A thought which trails off.

-

A statement which is interrupted by another character.

/

An interruption in the middle of a word or phrase. The actor should finish their thought but the actor saying their next line should start their line on the slash.

Thanks to Jen Cook, Michael Grochmal for helping with edits.

Special thanks to Diana Pho, for
always loving and supporting me.

As is true with all pieces by Ashley Lauren Rogers, unless otherwise stated assume an actor’s sex assigned at birth is irrelevant to the characters.  Directors should strive to cast transgender/gender nonbinary actors in their productions of her work.

CHARACTERS

PAUL – Male Early-Mid Twenties. Very high energy.  

RANDY – Male Early-Mid Twenties.    Paul’s roommate, a typical twenty-something dude-bro.

ANGE – Female Early-Mid Twenties. Randy’s girlfriend. 

PLUMB - Early-Mid Forties.  Randy’s college professor. 

It is present day.  Lights up on PAUL and RANDY’s apartment. There is a couch centre stage with a coffee table in front of it.  Stage right is a door leading to RANDY’s Bedroom.

PAUL enters and slams the door.  He is carrying a human female arm with a piece of metal jutting out from the shoulder joint.  The fingernails are painted.  He slams the door locks it, puts the arm on the coffee table, and sits on the couch furiously rubbing his face in his hands.  He then puts his left hand to his ear and talks into his naked wrist.

PAUL

We’ve been compromised.  Repeat, we’ve been compromised!

RANDY
(off stage)

Paul, is that you?

PAUL

(To wrist)

Must enact emergency protocol Alpha Sierra Sierra Delta India Charlie Kilo.  No, termination is not an option.

RANDY enters.

RANDY

Hey Paul!

PAUL

End transmission.  Randy?!  Good, you’re here!

RANDY

Yeah. I was playing Destiny, putting off Professor Plumb’s stupid essay, but the game’s being all glitchy-

PAUL

I need help-

RANDY

The assignment is super clear dude, do you find Nabok/ov’s Lolita-

PAUL

Not with the essay!  I need you to do something-

RANDY

Does it have anything to do with that sweet robot arm?

PAUL

No not… sort of.

RANDY

It’s super realistic-

PAUL

Yeah- look, you need to-

RANDY

I think Ange has that nail / polish.

PAUL

Randy!  Shut up!  I don’t have time to explain but I need you to do some/thing.

RANDY

You spent all your rent money on that arm didn’t you?

PAUL

No you don’t understand-

RANDY

Don’t make this about me. You’re the one who wasted all his money on a prop, you’re always doing this spending your money on stupid crap and expecting me to pick up the rent bill.  Well Paul I’m not surprised but I’m still disa/

PAUL kisses RANDY full on the mouth.

/pointed.  

PAUL

We need to bang, right this very second.

RANDY

Paul I’m not gay.

PAUL

I know-

RANDY

I know you know because-

PAUL

I know because I’ve tried-

RANDY

Multiple times-

PAUL

So many times to get you to sleep with me but-

RANDY

Paul you’re a nice guy, fantastic roommate- albeit a financial clusterfuck- But Paul-

PAUL

If you don’t bang me I’ll die!

RANDY

You’re being desperate there buddy-

PAUL

I know how it sounds-

RANDY

I don’t think you do, because if you did you’d see how even if I were into it; that would ruin our whole roommate situation.

PAUL

Then marry me!

RANDY

Paul-

PAUL

Think about it!

RANDY

Stop it I’m not gay marrying you-

PAUL

It’s just a marriage.

RANDY

I’m a dude I’d be marrying another dude, that’s a gay marriage-

PAUL

Yeah but you don’t need to
call
it a gay marriage I don’t go gay swimming or gay renew my driver’s license-

RANDY

I’m still not into you like that-

PAUL

Fine then. Think of it as a monogamous relationship with your best friend and favourite roommate-

RANDY

So what, we get tax breaks and health insurance but… I could still get with chicks?

PAUL

No, monogamous, monogamous!

RANDY

I don’t bang other dudes!

PAUL

Then we wouldn’t bang!  You could just give up sex!  No?  Silence means no huh?  What if- what if I became a woman then!

RANDY

Not cool.

PAUL

I’ll get a sex change, we can get straight married and everyone wins!

RANDY

No and fuck you for suggesting that-

PAUL makes an overdramatic shocked reaction.

PAUL

I cannot believe you could be so transphobic!  That you wouldn’t love me if I were a trans woman!

RANDY

I’m not transphobic-

PAUL

I don’t know Randy, you should probably, bang me now and prove it or else everyone will know what a transphobic douche you are.

RANDY

You’re the transphobic one!  Trying to exploit the struggle of a marginalized people, perpetuating the bullshit stereotype that they can choose their gender just so you can bully me into the sack!

PAUL

In all fairness I need
you
to bang
me
or I’ll die
-

RANDY

Paul you’re not transgender and you’re not going to die if we don’t bang right this second!  It was flattering at first but this is getting really annoying.

PAUL

I guess there’s no sense in prolonging it then.  Randall Cyprus Howell I am not who you think I am. My name is Paul E. Five Seven Four Four Two and I am from the future-

RANDY

Bull-

PAUL

Seriously! I was sent back into the past to stop the evil Techno Tyrant Randall Cyprus Howell Junior / from rising to power-

RANDY

Wait wait wait wait-

PAUL

I need to finish-

RANDY

SO in the future my son, I’m assuming he is my son because of the name, becomes this uh- tech-

PAUL

Techno Tyrant yes he’s basically like four Hitlers all in one.  I was sent to the past to ensure he is never conceived.

RANDY

My son, my future son, is some sort of Quadruple Hitler-

PAUL

Yeah Hitler times four… Quad Hitler with laser beam eyes-

RANDY

Laser Beam eyes you say-

PAUL

Yes and that’s why you have to bang me, bang me now so Quad mega mecha Hitler is never born.

RANDY

You- you do understand how straight relationships…
and
human reproduction works right?  I mean, let’s say, hypothetically we do bang- I can still get a girl, the mother to my supposed quad Hitler baby, pregnant.

PAUL

Hypothetically, yeah, that’s true but you won’t because of my rigorous training you won’t ever-

RANDY starts laughing.

PAUL

Don’t laugh!  Humans in the future exist solely as living batteries.

RANDY

That’s the Matrix!  That logic was bullshit in 2000 and its bullshit now.  There are better ways to power a machine.  Has the Technocracy never heard of wind power?  Solar power maybe?

PAUL

I know that but it doesn’t stop your little bundle of Hitler from progressing the way he has- you
know
coal is bad but you still use it-

RANDY

I don’t-

PAUL

As a people, you as a
people
-

RANDY

My Hitler baby would never do that because I would not only instil in him the “Don’t be Hitler,” rule a rule which I think all good parents should adopt, but also because he’d know humans as batteries was a STUPID and wasteful concept!

PAUL

Just- Bang me so I don’t die!  We’ve already wasted too much time!

RANDY

I’m not going to bang you!

PAUL

That arm…  That arm belongs to the techno Tyrant’s futuristic kill bot who tried to take me out.

RANDY

Nope!  

PAUL

I was able to remove its good arm before it could shoot me-

RANDY

Us banging is not going to stop this killbot!  Is it allergic to gay sex-?

PAUL

Why’s it gotta be
gay
sex?  You don’t say you’re having straight sex-

RANDY

You’re an idiot!

PAUL

If we bang now it could start a chain reaction of you never banging another woman and therefore never having Quad Mega Mecha Hitler, and then he’d never send a kill bot because he and they wouldn’t exist thus you banging me saves us both from the fate of the killbots!

RANDY

Then why not kill me?

PAUL

Not an option.

RANDY

It seems like you could avoid this whole mess by killing me-

PAUL

No!

RANDY

I don’t want to die dude.  I don’t have some freaky death wish, but by your logic if I die, no Hitler baby.   

PAUL

I refuse to lose you, Randy I- I-

RANDY

You’re what?  Really talking yourself into a hole?  I found the flaw in your logic just admit-

PAUL

I can’t lose you- not again- I love-

RANDY

Stop.  Right.  There.  Paul.  I can’t deal with this anymore; I want you out of here by the end of the week.

PAUL

No Randy no, if you bail on me I won’t be here by the end of the week. I’ll be dead!  

RANDY

I refuse to be bullied into sex. Refuse.  If you’re gonna threaten to kill yourself over me, go kill yourself.

PAUL

That’s not what-

RANDY

I’m gonna stay with Ange for a few days, I guess.