Broken and Screwed 2 (The BS Series) (25 page)

His chest heaved up as he let out a dramatic breath, shaking his head. “I can’t. God, I want to. I really do, but I can’t. It’s not my secret, Alex. Trust me,” his voice sounded strangled too. “I want to. I really do, but I can’t.”

The wall lifted. There was the same agony. My own came alive again as it felt its twin flare up. Why couldn’t he see? He could end both of our pain, if he’d just tell me. He turned away and his shoulders hunched forward. There it was, the look of defeat. He wasn’t going to tell me, ever.

A wrangled cry escaped my throat. I couldn’t stop it and I couldn’t stop the tears that started falling. This was it then. He couldn’t know my secret and not tell me his. I needed to know. It was about Ethan. I had a right to know, but I didn’t ask again. He wasn’t going to tell me. So instead, I cut out, “I’ll pack.”

His head snapped around. “What? No.”

“I can’t be here if you won’t tell me. Ethan was my brother.”

“He was mine too,” he growled. His hands jerked into fists at his side. “He was my fucking brother too. Don’t start rewriting history.”

I flinched. There was the old Jesse again, the one that lashed out. But I swallowed over a lump in my throat and started grabbing my clothes. The tears had withered up at his anger, but my eyes were stinging. They wanted the release, but I wouldn’t allow it. My heart was pounding against my chest as I threw my clothes into a bag and then started for my books.

He watched me as I moved around his room. I was blind as I rushed to get my stuff and get out. I was grabbing at things, not thinking. I could only feel his gaze on my back. It was burning into me, drilling a hole.

“Stop, Alex.”

“No.”

“Stop.” He reached for my bag.

I twisted away to keep it. “NO!”

He wouldn’t let go and instead, he used the bag to pull me into his arms. Lowering his forehead to mine, he said urgently, “Please don’t do this.”

I shoved him away. “You can stop me.”

“How?” But he knew. It was clawing at him. I saw the guilt flaring up again in his depths before he looked away.

“Tell me about Ethan. What did they do to him?”

“I can’t.” His eyes closed tight. “I wish I could. I do. I really do, but I can’t.”

It was done. No matter what I did, he wasn’t going to tell me and I couldn’t stay there knowing there was something about Ethan I should’ve known. A bitter laugh wrung from me. “This is fucking poetic.”

“What is?”

“You and me. Ethan wanted us apart when he was living and now he’s dead, and it’s working. Guess he won.”

“Alex, no.” Jesse dropped to the bed and caught his head in his hands. His elbows went back to his knees and his fingers grabbed hold of his hair. He started to rock back and forth. “Don’t say that. It’s not like that. If I could tell you, I would. I promise I would. There isn’t anything I haven’t told you—”

“Except this!”

He visibly flinched.

I swallowed back more tears. They were there, ready to spill. I couldn’t, not then. But I would. I promised myself, as soon as I got into the car, I could let them spill all they wanted. My voice wobbled, “Jesse, please just tell me.”

“I can’t,” he whispered back. His eyes were filled with misery.

“This is really what you’re doing? You really can’t tell me? I’m going, Jesse. This can’t keep happening, not if you don’t tell me.”

I felt Ethan again. He was in the room with us, haunting us so much. Would he have been happy by this? I’d never know.

“I can’t tell you, but I’m going to try and make it up to you.” Jesse grabbed my arm and hauled me in his lap. He wrapped both arms around me and buried his head into my shoulder. I felt his lips against my skin. “I’ll make it right. I promise.”

“You can make it right by just telling me.”

His arms tightened. He didn’t say the words, but I heard them spoken in silence. He couldn’t. It was all he’d been saying from the beginning and now I understood why this moment hadn’t happened how it should’ve been. My secret was out. Jesse’s should be out. He knew I would leave. It’s why he had kept it hidden for so long.

My heart splintered in half as I turned and pressed my lips to his forehead. Then I slipped from his hold. I didn’t say goodbye. I just left, but it was the same as the last time I left him. A part of me stayed in that room with him.

When I
returned to my dorm room, I knocked. I wasn’t sure what was going on inside and I’d been glad I did. Hannah opened the door. Her jaw dropped, but then a guy rushed from her bed and out the door. She’d only had enough time to yell at him about a Kari girl before he was gone. The alarms went off in the next minute. Guess he’d gone through the backdoor. After that, everyone had woken up and we were called into a mandatory dorm meeting. Kara had been surprised to see me, as I was with her. I thought she had spent the night with Derek, but I never explained myself. Hannah figured out what happened by all my bags and so had Kara. I wasn’t sure what Jesse said to the guys, but I never asked either.

Cord was the one that answered that when he saw me in class the next week. Jesse hadn’t said a word to anyone. No one would’ve even known I had left if it hadn’t been for Kara. I wasn’t sure if I was happy to hear that or hurt even more. And then class with him and Jaime had taken another turn. The girls on my dorm spread the word about the break-up, if that was what it had actually been, so the girls in our class started to throw insults my way. At first, it was just a word I caught in their conversation, like whore, or skank. It was loser most of the times. They were outright calling me pathetic by the end of the week. Jamie was the first to rip into them. He chewed them out, followed by a quick appraisal of how they fit into those descriptions based from his first-hand knowledge. Then he followed that by one phrase, “Back off, bitches.”

Cord cast me an amused look.

I would’ve shared the same feeling if I hadn’t been painfully aware that Jesse still hadn’t called. He hadn’t texted. He hadn’t emailed. He hadn’t even sent a message through Kara, who checked in on me daily since I left.

Finals passed. Everyone left for Christmas break. I had been planning to stay at Jesse’s during the holiday break so I never considered going home. They still had games so everyone was going to celebrate the holiday together, but considering my situation, I was shit out of luck. The dorms shut down so I went home to an empty and cold house.

I expected to be alone for the entire break.

I was wrong.

Angie came over the day after Christmas. Marissa came the next day. Even Eric made an appearance. Things were better with my friends, but there was still a strained tension. I never told them about Jesse. Angie never asked and Marissa had never known I was living with him. Eric asked if I could go for dinner one night and I went, but it was just as friends. I made that clear. Towards the end of the first week home, Angie’s boyfriend had a party. It was a small one in his family’s cabin. She made me go and being back at Justin’s family cabin had been weird. Marissa was there with Sarah Shastaine, who hated me even more after Marissa told her that Jesse had been sneaking around with me again. After Sarah got drunk, she followed me around and asked questions about Jesse. The entire night went like that. I was asked what he’s doing now, if he has a girlfriend, if we were still fuck buddies, if he told me why he broke up with her, if I thought she could get him back, etc. It was exhausting. I had a few drinks just to handle her.

Angie eventually kicked her out.

I was grateful.

And because Marissa was still roommates with her at their college, she drove her home. She apologized for Sarah’s behavior the next day over brunch. Marissa drove to the house and forced me to go with her.

It was the second week when I got more visitors. Hannah and Beth showed up on my doorstep. They announced they were moving in for the last week. They didn’t say anything about Jesse, but they did share that Jamie was back in the house. He and Tiffany were back together, I hadn’t known they weren’t, and Kara wanted to come with them to see me. I was glad they hadn’t let her. Kara had seen Jesse every day over the holiday. I wouldn’t have been able to handle that.

Eric had a party at the end of the week before everyone went back to their colleges. No one knew how to react to Hannah or Beth. Hannah hit on Eric and Justin within the first hour. Marissa thought it was hilarious. Angie hadn’t known who to get mad at—Hannah, Justin, or me. Then Beth grabbed her cousin and told her ‘No Sex’ in front of the group. Hannah glared at her, but grumbled, “Fine.” They sat and drank with me in the living room throughout the rest of the party. After a while, Marissa and Angie sat with us, but they were still unsure of my new friends. I was informed that Sarah was angry with me because of Jesse so she would no longer be attending a party that I was at. I was grateful. I thought everyone else was grateful too. The rest of the party passed without any drama, except that Hannah staggered from a back room when we were leaving. Her clothes were inside out and her hair was sticking up. Eric came behind her. Her pink lipstick was smeared all over him.

She asked me if he had a girlfriend when we drove back to my house.

Jesse texted me that Saturday night. It wasn’t much. He only asked if I was coming back the next day. I shouldn’t have responded, but I did. My chest was heavy and pain seared me, but I told him I was. His response was:

I hope you had a good holiday. I’m sorry I never said Merry Christmas.

That was it. There was nothing else.

I turned my phone off for the rest of the night. He wasn’t going to text me anymore and it hurt too much. I would’ve been listening for an alert for the rest of the night.

When we went back to the dorms, Hannah and Beth went to Club T. I was invited to go along, but declined. By now I knew there was someone there for Beth. I figured it was a worker. She’d go and she always seemed more laidback when she would come back. Hannah seemed different when she came back as well. Beth told me over breakfast the next morning (Hannah had slept in) that her cousin met a guy. He was in a band, someone famous apparently, and he was bald with a scar over his face. Hannah loved describing the scar to Beth when they rode back in the cab.

After we finished eating and went our separate ways, I headed to anthropology. The class was filled with upperclassmen. At first, I didn’t pay attention, but when I heard Jamie’s voice, my stomach rolled over. Not again. But I looked up and there he was. Again. And Jamie wasn’t alone. He was followed inside by Cord…and Jesse.

Both guys stood in the doorway. I was in the back row, but I knew I’d been spotted.

I couldn’t look away from him. His hair had been cut short again. As his jaw tightened, his eyes flashed an unnamed emotion. It glimmered in him before I pulled my gaze away. As I did, my chest lifted up as I tried to catch my breath. I shouldn’t have been surprised. Jesse was gorgeous. And the sight of him, after so many weeks apart, sent sensations through me. Not the good kind.

It seemed that everyone else in the room felt the tension. All eyes trailed from Jesse to me and back again. I looked back. I couldn’t keep my gaze away. And then I watched, as if in slow motion, as he made a decision. He led the way and took the seat beside me.

I couldn’t speak. I wanted to say so much, to ask him about the secret, to ask him why he was doing this to us, but I couldn’t do any of it. Instead, I slunk down in my seat and I didn’t say a word. Jamie took the seat on Jesse’s other side and Cord took the seat on my side. I felt everyone watching and then the whispers started again.

I heard, ‘girlfriend’, ‘dumped’, ‘whore’, and a few other more colorful tones.

Jamie barked out, just as the professor was coming in, “Ya’ll shut the fuck up. You don’t know shit.”

“Mr. Striker.” The professor placed his briefcase on his table. “Will you enlighten me to the reason behind your profanity?”

“Sorry, Mr. Cates. Just putting a stop to the gossip mill before it got going. That’s all.” Jamie leaned around Jesse and flashed me a grin. “New leaf here, Alex. I’ve got your back.”

“Thanks,” I muttered.

Cord was trying to muffle his laughter beside me.

The professor took a breath and skimmed our group in one long and silent scrutiny. Then he sighed again, “I’m going to have problems with you four, aren’t I?”

Jamie spoke for us, “No way. Model students here.”

“Athletes are rarely my model students.”

“We are.” Then Jamie jerked a hand off his desk. “At least Hunt is.”

“Shut up,” Jesse hissed. “You’re not helping.”

“Sorry.” Jamie leaned around him again. “Sorry, Alex.”

I was mortified. I tried hiding behind my books.

“If you four are done, may I assume my responsibilities as the professor of this classroom?” His sarcasm was duly noted.

“Yeah, sure. No problem.”

“Thank you, so much, Mr. Striker.”

“No problem. Thanks professor. I’m keen to learn about this stuff.”

“Shut up, Jamie,” Cord spoke this time.

“What? What’d I do?”

The professor cleared his throat and gave us another meaningful look. “Please refrain from talking for the rest of the class period. All of you.”

Not a problem for me.

After class, I sped out of there. Or I tried. Jesse was on my tail. He grabbed my elbow and pulled me into an empty classroom. As soon as that door was closed, I twisted my arm free and shoved at him. “Get off.”

He chuckled but stepped away. “I need to talk to you.”

“That’s surprising. I haven’t heard a word from you since I left. Thanks for that one text, by the way. Happy holidays to you too.”

“I’m sorry. I was trying to fix things before I came to you.”

I stopped. My eyes lifted and I felt my chest fill with hope. Did he?

Regret filled him.

My heart lurched. He hadn’t done a thing.

“I couldn’t. I’m sorry, but I’m trying, Alex. I really am.”

Shaking my head, I started for the door. “You’re wasting our time. Let it go.”

“I can’t.”

“Spill whatever you know or stop playing with me.”

“I’m not playing with you.” He took my arm again.

This time, I couldn’t pull it away. My heart was racing. I was struggling to breathe. Good god, it felt so good to have him this close again. I turned it off when I left him. Again, I became the numb monster that I’d been after Ethan died. It was like nothing existed. I watched the world happening through a television screen with no sound, no smell, no taste, no color. As soon as he touched me, the world became 3-D again. High definition. My senses were on overload.

“I’m not,” he insisted. Gently, he moved even closer until I was tucked against his chest. I felt his own heartbeat. It was racing like mine.

“Just tell me, Jesse. Please.”

It was as simple as that.

He let out a ragged breath. “I can’t because it’s not my secret.”“It’s Ethan’s.”

“It’s Ethan’s and someone else’s.”

I frowned. What did that mean?

“Look, I have to talk to you about your parents.”

All the 3-D and high definition of the world was slapped away now. I was back to watching the world in black and white, barely audible sound. “I don’t want to talk about them.”

“They’re coming to my game this weekend.”

“Now I really don’t want to talk about them.”

He tugged at my arm again. “They’re coming with my dad.”

“What?”

“My dad and my...that girl. She’s coming too.”

“Your sister?”

He nodded, finally letting go of my arm to rest on a desk.

Except my arm yearned for his touch again. It tingled where he’d held it. I rubbed at it, hoping that maybe it’d stop. It didn’t. It intensified. My entire body wanted Jesse.

“My dad dropped the case. He paid her off.”

“Your sister?”

“No, it was her mother. She was using her kid to get at my dad, but after seeing what your folks did to you, I talked to my dad. I met the girl. She’s sweet, kind of.”

I grinned. “Another ringing endorsement from Jesse Hunt.”

He grinned back. “It’s still weird.”

“So you met her?”

“Once. She seems sweet. Her mom’s a whack job so we’ll see how far the apple falls from the tree, you know?”

“Yeah, look at my parents and me. I didn’t fall far.”

He groaned, tipping his head back and raking his hands through his hair. “I didn’t mean that at all. I just meant, oh to hell with it. I want you to come to my game.”

I opened my mouth, a hot argument on the tip of my tongue.

He stopped me. “You haven’t been to one game. We’ve been playing for a couple months now. You owe me.”

“You owe me the truth.”

He slouched forward again. “I told you. It’s not my secret to tell, but trust me when I say I’m trying.” He reached over and drew me to him. HIs voice softened, “Believe me, Alex. I am trying. My fucking bed is too big for me. It feels empty now. I can’t believe I’m even saying that, but whatever. That’s how I feel. I want you back. I want you to move in. I want you with me again.”

My body melted. I sagged forward, wanting the same thing, but the back of my throat was burning. It was so fucking painful to pull away from him. The tears were there again, threatening to spill as I shook my head. “I can’t. You can’t keep something about my brother from me. I can’t come back until there are no secrets.”

He cursed under his breath.

Since I was at it, “And we define what the hell we actually are.”

“What do you mean?”

“What am I to you? Or what was I to you? A body to keep your bed warm? Fuck buddies? That’s what we were before—”

He jerked me back and bit out, “We were never that. You were never that to me.”My hand went to his chest, to push him away. It lingered instead. It curved against him and I felt his heart again.

“You were my fucking sanctuary, that’s what you were to me. You were my guilty indulgence. I should’ve stayed away from you, but I couldn’t. I still can’t. Jeezus. Look at me. I’m damn near on my knees here.”

“Jesse.”

“Stop. I don’t want to hear it. I got it. You want the secret. I’ll deliver. I have to, but when you find out—don’t be mad at me. This wasn’t my secret. This was what Ethan wanted. I was just trying to do what he wanted from me.”