Broken Fairytales (34 page)

“It’s okay,” he said, stroking my back. “It’s okay. Just breathe.

I
tried to take in air, but all I could do was huff small hiccupping gulps
of oxygen
into my lungs
.
Chase continued stroking my back as my breathing evened out, and I loosened my grip on the comforter, but I didn’t have the strength to lift my head from his chest.

“What happened?” he
asked
again,
when he thought I had pulled it together enough to talk.

“I cheated on Ben
, and we broke up
,” I whispered, hating how the words felt on my lips.

“You cheated?
”

I nodded against his chest.

“When you say cheated, you mean se
x, right? This isn’t about just
a kiss, is it?”

I shook my head. “No, I had sex,” I said, begrudgingly.

“When?”

“Last night,” I sighed.

“Um, with who?”

I could tell he was trying his hardest not to sound completely flabbergasted. I knew it was completely out of character for me to have done what I had with Zack, but I appreciated that Chase was sensitive to that fact and didn’t make any side comments.

“Zack,” I said, as my mind flitted back to the night before.

I had flashbacks to Zack and me, skin on skin, and feelings of complete exhilaration and passion and pleasure flooding me all at once as we moved together. Zack made me feel beautiful and sexy and alive, and I thanked God again and again that no one had been in the house besides us because I was pretty sure I had been less that quiet. But Zack had made me feel things I didn’t know were possible in all the years I’d been with Ben.

I knew it was wrong to compare them, but I couldn’t help it. Sleeping with Zack had been like sleeping with a man instead of a boy.
He wa
s in the moment the entire time
and equally
focused on if
I was enjoying myself.
I had been with Ben for so long that sex had become
predictable, and honestly
, a little frustrating since he
almost always finished before I could. Zack had waited. He had been patient, and it had been spectacular.

“D
o you regret it?” Chase asked, bringing me back to the present.

I shook my head.

“Are you sad about Ben?”

I took a deep breath and sat up, facing my brother and taking i
n the concerned look on his face
.
He was completely out of his comfort zone, but I appreciated more than anything that he was sitting with me and talking
me down from the ledge
.

“I should have broken up with Ben a long time ago,” I said, shaking my head.

“
So, I’m guessing y
ou told
him what you did?”

I sighed. “I didn’t want to. I tried to make a clean break and end things, but he wouldn’t let me, so I finally told him. And he basically called me a whore.”

It was Chase’s turn to sigh. “You’re not a whore, Em. He’s just an asshole.”

I shook my head. “I shouldn’t have cheated on him. I
should have been
adult
about this
and ended things before I did something so hurtful.
”

Chase shrugged. “Semantics,” he said. “If you broke up with him, then slept with someone else, it still probably wouldn’t have felt good. He’s pissed, I get that, but it doesn’t give him the right to be a dick about it.”

I flopped back onto my pillow and threw my arm over my eyes. “He’s just hurt.
I know he didn’t mean the things he said.
Ugh, what am I going to do?”

“About what?”

“Everything. Ben. Zack.”

I was overthinking things again, but I couldn’t help it. It was second nature for me.

“
W
hat do you want to do?”
Chase asked.

“Forget what I did to Ben and have fun w
ith Zack,
”
I said, that time without thinking.

“So do it,” Chase said, as if it really were that simple.

“It just feels c
rappy,” I said, moving my arm up to my fo
rehead
so I could look at him
. “
I feel like I should be mourning my relationship or something – like I shouldn’t be allowed to have fun. I did a crappy thing to Ben, so I shouldn’t get to have Zack.”

“Em,” Chase said, and I could hear the exasperation in his voice. “In the adult world, break-ups happen all the time, and someone always gets hurt. It’s life. But it doesn’t mean you have to punish yourself. I know this is new to you, but come on.”

“Have you ever broken up with someone you loved?”

He nodded. “Yeah, I have, but I’ve also been on the receiving end of a break-up, and it’s never fun. Break-ups just suck no matter how you look at them. But sometimes it’s just better to not wallow in the past. No one’s saying you have to jump into another relationship
, but g
et out there and live your life.
”

“You mean make Zack my rebound?”

He shrugged. “Why define it. Just hang out, have fun. Enjoy being with him or enjoy being with many people. Just don’t make yourself miserable because you made the first selfish choice of your adult life. Embrace it. It’s about time you took charge of your life and did what you want
ed
for a change instead of living the life you think everyone wants you to live.”

“How do you know so much about me?” I asked, always surprised th
at he seemed to know me so much better than I knew him
.

“I’m your brother, Em. You forget that we grew up together and lived under the same roof for eighteen years, and you haven’t changed that much since high school. I know we haven’t been close for the past few years, but it doesn’t mean I stopped caring about you.”

“You care about me?” I asked, slightly flabbergasted.

He nodded. “Yeah, I do. I know it’s hard for you to see, but I do. I always have. I just hoped that you’d get to a point where all your preconceptions stopped clouding your judgment
of me – and that you’d realize what a snob you turned into
the minute we hit high school.
I just didn’t think it would take this long.”

He smiled as he said it, so I knew that although he was being honest, he wasn’t doing it to hurt me. I smacked him lightly on his thigh, which made him duck away and grin at me.

“I really was a snob, wasn’t I?”

He nodded. “Yeah, you were. I’m not going to lie. And I’m not going to tell you it didn’t hurt when you and Rachel started ditching me freshman year.”

“Oh please! You had Davis. You couldn’t have cared less what we were doing. Hell, you guys made it your life’s mission to tease and mock us whenever you could – making fun of us practicing cheers in the backyard, torturing us when Rachel would sleep over and making snarky comments in the halls at school.”

Chase looked serious and introspecti
ve for a moment. “Em, I was fif
teen, and I had a huge crush on Rachel back then. That’s why I teased you guys – in the beginning. I
missed hanging out with you
, and I just wanted her to see me as someone she wanted to date, but she never did. Then by Christmas break, you guys had chan
ged so much that I didn’t
miss you so much anymore. In fact, I had
a hard time remembering why I
liked hanging out with you in the first place, so I stopped trying. But I never stopped caring.”

His words had me thinking back seven years, trying to see things from his perspective, but it was hard.

“I’m sorry,
Chase,
” I said, feeling like it was long overdue.

“Hey, I’m good,” he said. “My life turned out just fine. I’m definitely not holding onto anything that happened in high school.”

“What are your plans
after graduation?” I asked, realizing that I truly knew nothing about my brother
’s life
. I wasn’t even sure w
hat his major was
.

“I’m going to stay in New York. I’m applying to grad school at NYU this year.”

“For what?”

“Architecture,” he said, like I should
have known, which made me assume he’d mentioned it at the dinner table once or twice in the past few years
.

“I didn’t know that,” I said, swallowing my pride as I realiz
ed truly how self-centered I’d been
. “But that’s really cool.”

He put his hands behind him
on the bed
and leaned back. “I actually have a pretty amazing internship lined up for the fall with this firm in Manhattan. It was started by this TA I had in my Intro to Arch class freshman year. He’s kind of been my mentor since then, and last spring he asked if I
wanted to
work for him in the fall. If things go well, I can work part-time for them while I’m working on my masters.”

“That’s awesome, Chase.”

He shrugged. “So you’re okay?” he asked, changing the subject, and I wasn’t sure why.

“I’m good. Thank you for talking with me.”

“You got it,” Chase said, as he got up from my bed. “Meet you down on the beach?”

I nodded.
“I’ll be down in a few.”
I needed to do something be
fore I headed down there.

My mother
was sitting out on the back porch drinking coffee and re
ading a book when I found her.
I sat in the chair opposite her, waiting for her to put down her book and look over at me.

“I’m not interested in fighting with you, Emily,” she said, not looking up.

I took a deep breath and held it, counting to ten, so I wouldn’t say what I really wante
d to say to
in that moment.

“I’m not here to fight,” I said, p
roud that I was able to say it
calmly. “I’m here to apologize.”

She looked up from her boo
k and raised
her eyebrows at me.
“You are?”

I pulled my knees up to my chest and hugged my arms aro
und them.
“I’m sorry I’ve been
so on-edge this summer.”

She opened her mouth to say something, but I put my hand up, so she remained silent and looked at me expectantly.

“Okay,” I said, knowing what she was thinking, “I know I’ve been more than on-edge, but I wanted to let you know that it stops now.”

She nodded, as if to say, ‘go on’.
I could tell she wasn’t sure if she could believe me.

“I don’t really want to go into the detai
ls, but I’ve kind of been doing some soul-searching this summer.
I think I’ve changed a lot and it’s been hard to process some of it, so I wasn’
t sure how to deal with it all.
I’ve done
some things I’m not
proud of, and some things
I’m glad I did – things that I should have done a long time ago.”

She raised her eyebrows at me. 

“I don’t regret getting my piercing,” I said. “I know you don’t like it, but I do.”

“It’s growing on me,” she said honestly.

“The thing is, Mom, I think I got so wrapped up in who I
thought I
was supposed to be that I lost sight of who I
actually
wanted to be.
I know that you and Dad have this image of me, so I fought so hard to maintain that, even when it didn’t fit me anymore.”

“What do you mean?” she asked
, a worried look passing over her face
. “Emily, I’ve never wanted a
nything for you
other
than to be happy.”

“Then why did you freak out when you saw my piercing. You didn’t do that when Chase got his piercings or his tattoos. Why did you treat me differently?”

She smiled a weak smile. “Emily, your brother has always b
een a free spirit,
so I guess I was never surprised
when he wanted to decorate his body. Don’t you remember how he always used to draw on himself when he was a kid? I knew back then that it was inevitable that he’d get a tattoo one day.”

I laughed, remembering it well. Chase was always drawing on himself instead of paper. There was even a time when he was three and had been really into animals. He’d actually taken the time to draw tiger stripes on himself with an orange marker while we were supposed to be napping. When my mom had come in to get us, she panicked, thinking he had a rash. When she realized it was marker and asked what he’d done, he simply said, ‘I’m a tiger’ and actually roared. After that she had to laugh and then got out the camera to document the whole thing. The pictures are really cute
, especially since I was wearing my Princess Jasmine outfit that day
.