Broken Hearts Damaged Goods (10 page)

By

Jack Webber

I
f there is one thing I
have learned about love is that it always seems extremely normal when you in the
midst of it.  It is only once the romance is over that you begin to see just
how messed up everything was.

I had known Brittany
for as long as I can remember.  She had been in my classes in grade school.  I
didn’t take much notice of her back then.  In fact, we were casual friends for
ten years.  And then one day when I was a junior in high school, something
changed.  There was something about her that made me think of her in romantic
terms.

Our love story started
at a Home Coming Dance.  I originally went to the dance with Jenny Warburton. 
We were just friends and went as such.  She was fun to hang out with and easier
to talk to about things I might be thinking or feeling than Steve was.  In many
ways, I see these qualities in Liselle now.

Anyway, Brittany had
gone to the dance without a date.  She was hanging out with a group of her
female friends.  I remember them being in a big group just giggling and dancing
together.  What I remember most about that night was the way that Brittany
looked in her jade green dress.  It was a silky dress that showed off her
curves and revealed the beauty of her back.

In the midst of the
group of giggling girls, she looked over at me.  Our eyes met, and she bit her
lower lip.  I would later learn that this was a quirk of hers when she got
nervous.  And I don’t know why, but I walked over to her with no idea of what I
was even going to say to her.

When I got over to her,
we both just looked at each other, and there was an extremely awkward silence
that probably matched my actions.  And with her friends staring at me and
laughing, I somehow managed to stammer out, “Would you like to dance?”

Even today I can still
remember how sweet her, “I would love to”, sounded.

I don’t remember what
song we first danced to.  The majority of my senses were dulled in her
presence.  All I can remember was the vision of loveliness that was dancing
with me.  I know that our first dance was a slow dance.  I know that I liked
the way that she felt in my arms.  I know that I managed to stutter enough
words together to tell her how beautiful she looked.  Everything else was a
blur at that particular moment in time for me, or I have forgotten it
completely.

I do remember her
asking me if I thought my date would get upset because I was dancing with her. 
I told her that Jenny and I were just friends.  She tried to tell me that
sometimes a girl is just friends with a guy when they really want more.

“Well, she’s told me
all of the guys that she has a crush on.  I’m pretty sure we’re just friends”,
I said as I gently caressed her bare back.

“And how long have you
had a crush on me,” she said with a smile playing on her lips.

“I... um... don’t have a
crush on you.  I just saw you over there and wanted to be with you”, was all
that I could say.

I’m sure that it didn’t
come out the way that I wanted, but I didn’t expect her to say, “And how much
have you had to drink tonight?”

“I’m... um... completely
sober.  I’m just... naturally this awkward... and clumsy.  I have no idea what I’m
doing right now.  I just saw you and haven’t really done much thinking since
then.  Do I smell like alcohol?  I tried aftershave today.  I thought girls
like that sort of thing, even if I put it on for a girl I’m just friends with.”

This made her smile,
and in a good way.  “You smell very good.” And so we danced without knowing how
else to continue this conversation. 

I don’t know how long
the silence raged before I finally broke it, or shattered it with my extreme
awkwardness, “Am I dancing okay for you?”

“Excuse me?”

“I... uh...  I haven’t
danced with that many girls, and well, the girls I have danced with were just
friends, so I wasn’t that concerned about... um... impressing them.  So this is the
first time in my life where I actually care if I’m... um... somewhat decent at
dancing, so that I can ask you out.  Or hang out.  I mean, we can hang out
before actually going out on a date.  I just want to get to know you... better. 
I would like to know more about you.”

“Do you have your cell
phone on you”, she asked with a shy smile on her lips.

“Yes”, I said as I
fumbled around in my pocket to pull it out.  “Actually that was the hard thing
that rubbed next to you a minute ago.”

And as she laughed at
me, I became more embarrassed and tried to clarify it with, “I just didn’t want
you to think that I was some pervert wanting to dance with you so that I
could...”

And it was at that
point that I dropped my phone as I tried to open it.  It fell under her dress. 
I thought that my chances with her were over.  I stopped talking.  I knew that
my explanations were just making the situation worse.

To my surprise, she
bent down and picked up my phone.  She then went to my contacts and added her
number.

When she handed me back
my phone, she said, “Call me sometime.  You can either ask me out or ask me to
hang out.”

And then she walked
away.  I watched the lovely flow of her dress and her beautiful form as she
left me.  I was lost in a moment until she turned around and said, “You’d
better rejoin your friend.  Even girls that you’re just friends with don’t like
to be left alone at dances.”

I went back to Jenny
and was bombarded with questions about Brittany.  I tried to answer them the
best that I could, but it was just one dance.  It has always amazed me that
women can think of so many questions for an event that guys consider
insignificant at the time.  I don’t know if women have some sort of extra sense
that tells them that something is more important than what guys think it is.

Brittany and I didn’t
talk again for the rest of the night.  We glanced over at each other, but that
was it.  I danced with Jenny and kept her company.  She made me go over
everything that happened with Brittany during the dance and told me how sweet
it was.

I was sure that I had
made a complete and utter fool of myself.  Jenny just told me that I was really
cute and that cute was a good thing.

I don’t know.  I still
wasn’t thinking.  I wasn’t even thinking when I called Brittany the next day. 
We ended up talking for half an hour before I finally asked her out.  I asked
her if she would like to do something next weekend.  She then said that she
wouldn’t mind doing something tonight.

We ended up going to
dinner and a movie that night.  Everything just worked out.  The conversation
flowed freely.  And I think we both knew that we would be a couple.

I never had to work on
the relationship.  Maybe that was the problem.  With everything being so
perfect and me never thinking about what I was doing, I became lazy and never
realized that there were problems.

Maybe I became so
confident in us as a couple that I forgot to tell her how beautiful she was. 
Maybe that is why she cheated on me.  Steve has an innate ability to make women
feel special.  Being a natural flirt and the type of guy who never says no, he
could have easily have flattered her.  She then would have encouraged him
knowing that he could give her things that I wasn’t in our relationship.

Liselle can say what
she wants about me, but I still think that I was to blame for the breakup.

Since the breakup with
Brittany, I have thought about that dance on several occasions.  I have
wondered what would have happened if I had never asked her to dance.  I could
have saved myself the pain I have been experiencing the last month, but I would
have missed one of the greatest experiences of my life.

When I danced with
Liselle the other night, I thought about Brittany sometimes.  That dance will
forever haunt me as will Brittany.  But then there were times when I thought of
Liselle and how nice she looked, how I enjoyed being with her, and how I would
not want to be dancing with anybody else right now.

Oct. 8, 2010

I went to the mall
today and bought some lingerie.  I’m not exactly sure why.  Jack told me the
other day that maybe it would be best if we didn’t date.  He doesn’t think it
is fair to me since he thinks that I’m starting to develop feelings for him and
he is still in love with Brittany.  So naturally I buy lingerie to entice him.

I decided to not go the
extra slutty route.  I didn’t want to appear to be easy when I am throwing
myself at a guy that doesn’t really want me.

I can’t say that he
doesn’t totally not want me.  He has been coming to bed the past few nights
without a shirt.  It’s like he’s teasing me with his sexy body, which was just
a little bit sexier by the fact that he felt a little shy being shirtless
around me.  It’s nice to know that guys feel self-conscious about their bodies
too.  I didn’t think they would since the majority of the guys I know are so
eager to get naked with me.

Anyway, tonight when he
came to bed, I had a bottle of men’s body lotion and offered to give him a
massage.  I figured that it was the most intimate thing that I could do with
him while still pretending to be just friends.

He didn’t even put up a
fight.  All I had to do was tell him that I noticed his skin was getting a
little dry last night.  I assured him that it wasn’t his fault.  It happens
this time of year.  I then offered to rub it on him.

The thing I’ve noticed
about Jack is that he seems to want to please people.  There is a lack of
confidence in him that seems to doubt everything about himself as if he is not
worthy.  I can’t bring this up to him, though, without making him
self-conscious about it.  Anyway, I would rather have a guy that stops and
thinks about what you think about them and what they’re doing than to have a
guy that’s an asshole that does whatever he wants without thinking about you.

Anyway, I started the
massage with his back.  He has a really nice ass.  I didn’t get to see it or
anything.  I just felt how firm it was as I was straddling him massaging his
back.

I felt that the best
way to show that I was thinking about him and not just doing this as a way to
seduce him was to have him tell me about Brittany and their relationship.

He told me about how
they met.  And it was a really cute story.  I don’t have any stories like that
with any guy that I’ve dated.  But what struck me the most was how he looks at
love as chance happenings.  He doesn’t think you can plan it.  It just sort of
happens without any forethought of the people involved.

That’s when I
accidentally told him that I disagreed and that all of my experiences with love
have been random hookups and not chance encounters that ever taught me anything
meaningful.

I realized that this
was a mistake as soon as he offered to give me a massage as I talked about my
relationship issues.  Fortunately I was able to keep this focused on him

I had him roll over so
that he was now on his back.  I then straddled him and started to massage the
front of his shoulders and his pecks.  I also rubbed the lotion over his abs. 
As much as he tried to hide it, I could tell that he was getting turned on.

And then there was that
awkward moment where we were both looking at each other and nothing happened. 
I had no choice but to dismount and gracefully acknowledge, “Well, I think you
are fully lotioned.  We’ll have to do this again tomorrow night.”

As I settled into bed
with him, I wondered to myself whether it was more painful to have him there
beside me knowing that I could turn him on and not make him love me, or knowing
that he was so unattracted to me that he hadn’t even noticed the lingerie and
the way that I had done my hair and makeup just for him.

And as much as it
comforted me, it also hurt me when he cuddled up next to me and put his arm
around me.

Then he whispered in my
ear, “It’s 11:11.  Make a wish.”

And I wished that I
could keep myself from not totally breaking down and crying in front of him
right now.

“Did you make a wish”,
he said as if he were a kid and believed that it could be true.

So I told him yes,
kissed him, and told him that we couldn’t share what we wished for or it
wouldn’t come true.

“I don’t think there’s
any problem with that.  I wished that we had met under different circumstances. 
If I don’t make love to you, it’s not because I don’t want to, or don’t think
that you’re extremely beautiful.  I just don’t want you to regret anything as
we’re trying to heal each other”, he said.

“And what if we’re
supposed to be together and you’re fighting chance?”

“Chance doesn’t go to
bed with her hair made up and makeup on.”

“But what if you walked
up to Brittany that night and had that dance all by chance to get you to me as
I happened to be with Steve”, I said.  “What if every failed relationship I
have had has led me to you so that I could help you learn how to express your
sexual desires?”

“Help me learn to
express my sexual desires?”

“Yes.  You’re
sexologically stunted, and it’s all because of her and her celibacy rules.  How
much did you want to do with her and were never allowed to do?  She’s made it
so that you can’t even touch a woman and not feel ashamed.  That’s not normal.”

“And what?  You want me
to just simply use your body because you think I’m sexologically stunted”, he
said as he came in closer to me.  “I’m sorry, Liselle, but love never comes at
the expense of another.  I’m not going to use you, or ask you to sacrifice yourself
for me and my problems.”

And as I rolled away
from him, I started to cry.  “The guy I lost my virginity to thought I could
lose some weight.  I dieted, and he thought I could still lose some weight.  After
that, I just started sleeping with guys because it was a way to get them to
like me when I was surrounded by so many other prettier girls.”

It was at this point
that he started to actually touch me.  “When I’m with you I want to do things
with you that I’ve never wanted to do with Brittany, and it makes me feel
ashamed because it makes me question what I had with her.  But don’t confuse my
issues with your sex appeal and natural beauty.”

And he kissed me with
soft, sweet kisses.  And as he gently dried my tears, we looked at each other. 
I don’t know if I kissed him first or if he started it, but the kissing became
heavier.  And he soon took the lead.

I’ve had guys undress
me many times before, but I’ve never had a guy want me naked so bad while still
being gentle with me.  His passion was tempered with a desire to please me in
the process.

And I can’t say that he
did anything any different than any guy before him, except the care and
attention that he was giving me.  He seemed to really enjoy kissing my body,
and not just my breasts.

This was actual
foreplay and not some guy trying to get me naked so that we could have sex. 
And I don’t know how long it lasted.  I just know that Jack didn’t stop, except
when he got down to my underwear.  He looked up at me, and I gave him the go
ahead with my eyes.

I don’t know what made
it so amazing.  Part of it was that he reached his hand up for me to take.  And
I liked running my fingers through his hair.  More than just getting serviced
by somebody that I liked, I felt emotionally connected to them as well as
physically connected.  I don’t remember that ever happening before.

And I don’t know if it
was him, his technique, or the amount of time he devoted to the act, but I ended
up squirting, which wouldn’t have been so bad, except that since I had been
playing with his hair, I kind of pulled his face right into it as it was
happening.

He seemed to handle it
okay.  I was more than a little embarrassed.  Before we could really talk about
it, I wiped off his face with the sheets and told him to run through the shower
while I cleaned up the bed.

After his shower, he
came back into the bedroom.  He was smelling really good and looking really
hot.  His hair was still a little wet and his chest was damp like he had just
taken a really hot shower that made him perspire a little.  And there I was in
an old t-shirt and a pair of pajama bottoms waiting for him to start the
conversation, which he did with, “You decided to get out of your lingerie?”

“I’m not exactly
feeling sexy right now”, I said with as much grace and dignity as I could.

That’s when he got in
bed next to me and put his arms around me.  “Was that the first time that’s
happened?”

“Yeah.  I’ll try to
make sure that it doesn’t happen again.  But I’ll understand if you decide to
not...”, I said avoiding eye contact as much as I could.

He tilted my head up
and made me look him in the eyes.  “You didn’t do anything wrong.  And you may
not believe it, but I’m glad that I was able to pleasure you in a way that
Steve and other guys have not been able to.”

He kissed me, and I
knew that it was okay.  And he just held me.  There were things that I wanted
to ask him, but I felt they were better left unsaid.  So as I felt safe,
secure, and loved within his arms I had to try to dismiss the thought of
whether he was thinking of me or Brittany as he was getting me off.

Maybe it doesn’t
matter.  He is making a lot of progress.  I should be happy with that.  He’s no
longer afraid to touch my breasts or to go down on me.  Being with him makes me
happy.  And if I can heal him enough, I think I could make him happy, too.

I will see how he
introduces me to people at the wedding since he has started to pull back from
the whole dating thing.  I can’t really blame him for that, though.  I have
made it kind of awkward for us after the dates.  I will have to remember to be
less...  me or whatever... at the wedding.