Broken Memphis (16 page)

"So I'm the best she can do?" I balk, offended for both Bebe and me.

"Yeah, basically."

"You're making me feel worse."

"We're bad men, Homerun. The only difference between us and men like Wolfman is how we treat our families. You're never gonna be a nice guy, but will you take care of that woman and her kid? Can you treat them right? I'm no winner, but I make my wife and kids happy. I make them feel safe and get them nice things. The people of Little Memphis might be scared when they see me coming, but my family ain't. That's all I care about."

Looking at Ford, I know he's thinking about Shay and her brothers.

"I don't know how to fix what I broke," I admit to Lucky.

"Say you're sorry then do better every day. There's no magic fix for the shit you pulled. If Bebe wants you, she'll forgive you for being a dickhead. If she doesn't want you, nothing you say will make a damn bit of difference."

Shivering now, I've lost the heat of my earlier rage. I both crave and fear seeing Bebe. When I left, she was in tears. I hurt her, and she's had all day to let the pain fester. Darby and Shay likely told her how she can do better. They filled her head with the kind of honesty that won't help my cause.

My only choice left is to return home with my tail between my legs and face the mess I've made.

28

Bebe

Broken Heart and Bruised Ego

Alone in the dark living room, I watch TV and wait for Pax. In my bed, Lula finally sleeps. Twice, she woke crying before settling back down. Folgers remains in the bedroom to watch over Lula. I love that dog more every day.

My head hurts from crying too long, and I dread Pax returning home. Will he bring a woman with him? Flora texted me earlier to say she heard Pax hooked up with Maggie. Even knowing I should hide in the bedroom and avoid him, I can't wait until tomorrow to get over this first encounter.

If he walks into the house and hurries downstairs with his latest pussy, I need to hear it. I need to accept this new reality of our relationship. Tomorrow, Lula will be awake, and I'll need to be strong. Tonight, I need to face my fears and let Pax go.

I'm dozing when the front door opens. Folgers bolts out of the bedroom and stares downstairs. Pax whistles for the dog, but Folgers doesn't move. After a minute, the dog returns to the bedroom.

Pax shuffles upstairs and stops when he sees me. Pretending to ignore him, I focus on the TV. He walks into the kitchen and circles the island twice before stopping at the backdoor. Finally, he ends his aimlessly movements next to the TV.

"You hate me," he says softly.

"Yes."

"I don't hate you."

"I don't care."

"No," he sighs. "You probably don't."

Pax shuffles to the kitchen and stands there for a few minutes before returning.

"I've never had a girlfriend. Not even in high school."

"I don't care."

Pax nods but doesn't shuffle around again. He just watches me.

"I tried to cheat on you by hooking up with Maggie. I couldn't do it."

"It wouldn't be cheating. We broke up. Maybe your D I C K will work better with the next girl."

Sighing again, Pax looks tired and maybe a little drunk. I feel no pity. My rage is the only emotion keeping me from crying like a sap.

"Chicks look weird to me now," he says, tapping the TV. "This one waitress has big eyes. I used to think they were sexy, but now she looks like a crazy owl. Another girl has giant tits. You know how I love tits, but hers look fucked up now. You've ruined titties for me, Bebe. I may never be able to go to Hooters again."

I don't smile, but he's not really joking anyway. His words are meant to be compliments. Forcing my gaze to meet his, I summon the strength not to look away.

"You got scared and felt overwhelmed. I know all that, but I don't care. You F U C K E D up. You wanted something because Ford had it. Then you realized you didn't really want it."

Exhausted by saying the words, I lower my gaze. "Just leave me alone. Tomorrow we'll pretend we're friends and nothing else happened. Lula is used to men being scary. She'll need to learn to be careful around you."

Pax shakes his head. "Why does everyone think I'm copying Ford?"

"Does it really matter? The why doesn't change anything."

"I don't want to pretend to be friends."

"We're not moving out," I growl at him, sitting up. "You made a promise, and you'll keep it."

"That's not what I meant."

I stand up and turn off the TV. The only light is from the kitchen, but I'm not walking past him to turn it off.

"You ruined me for other women."

"No, I really didn't. You're putting too much importance in your D I C K not working with the first woman you saw a few hours after you told me I was a loser."

"I never said you were a loser."

"Do you even remember what you said?"

Pax scratches his beard. "No. I was fucking stupid, but…"

"Talking won't do S H I T. Go to bed. Tomorrow, pretend you weren't an A S S H O L E with Lula. Everything can go back to normal."

"What does normal mean? What about us?"

"There was no us. You wanted to F U C K me. You F U C K E D me. Now you're done. That's where you left things, and that's where I want them to remain."

Pax steps closer, and I smell beer on him. A little part of me fears he won't let me escape to the bedroom.

"I'm not done though."

"I am."

"I fucked up, but I can fix things."

"Why fix them? Why not leave them the way they are? You might feel bad now, but I'll never be enough. So you'll F U C K someone else in a week or a month. Maybe you'll dump me, or maybe you'll F U C K girls behind my back."

"No."

"You're basing that on nothing."

"I'm basing that on my feelings. I talked about shit with Ford and…"

"You're drunk and tired. Nothing you say means S H I T to me. I'm guessing Ford and probably Lucky gave you advice, and you feel bad now. I bet you won't feel so bad tomorrow or the next week. You don't like people judging you. Once they stop, I'm sure your D I C K will magically work again."

"Bebe," he whispers, looking for the right words, but we're not those kinds of people.

"Good night, Pax."

I plan to restrain my tears until I'm safely in the bedroom. Before I'm halfway down the hall, Pax has me around the waist. I hadn't heard him move, and I nearly scream when his hands press me back against him.

"Bebe," he whispers.

I tremble against him, torn between fear and longing. His hot breath on my neck is torture.
Why did he have to freak out in such an awful way? Why couldn't he step back without hurting Lula and me so badly?

"I know I messed up and I can't just say sorry," he whispers in my ear. "I hoped I could tell you that stuff and you'd run into my arms and it'd be okay again. I know I was stupid earlier today, and I was stupid coming home and thinking I could make things right with a few words."

Pax keeps me still with one arm around my waist while twirling my hair around the fingers of his free hand.

"I wanted you that first night at City by Night even though I imagined your kid as looking like Cousin It. I thought you were so damn sexy, and I acted like an ape at dinner. I'm not a smart guy, but I learned to be better with you. I can learn more, Bebe."

"You scared my baby girl," I say, my voice cracking, "and turned me into a slap-crazy B I T C H. I don't know how to move past that."

"Not today you don't. I don't know how to either. If we can't figure it out, we have smart friends and they can help us."

"You just called me stupid."

"I know. I'm on a roll today," he says, caressing my cheek with his lips.

"I am pretty stupid. Maybe we need to hook up with smarter people since we're both dumb."

"No. I want you. I nearly punched Maggie in the face tonight when she tried to touch me. You're the only one I want, and I think together we make a smart enough person."

"You made me feel like shit today," I say, struggling not to relax against him.

"I know. I don't have any real excuse either. I felt bad, so I wanted you to feel bad. Now I need to make it right. Tomorrow I'll start fixing things. You just have to let me try."

Taking his hands, I remove them from around me. "Maybe you can tomorrow. For tonight, I need to lick my wounds."

"Okay," he says, wrapping me back into his arms. He sighs against my neck. "I just want you to know that I love you. I'm not a great man, and I can't promise I won't fuck up, but I love you, and I don't love just anyone. You think about that while you're licking your wounds tonight."

Pax kisses my neck then lets me go. I shuffle forward, afraid to look back. Before disappearing into the bedroom, I force myself and see only the shadow of him in the dark hall.

I finish my walk to the bedroom door before whispering, "I love you too, Pax."

I've imagined many ways I might tell him I loved him, but I never figured feeling so low when I said the words. Crawling in bed next to Lula, I reach over and stroke Folgers's head. I feel like shit, and I doubt tomorrow will be much better. Despite my bruised heart and shit-upon ego, Pax said he loved me, and I hold onto those words while sleep takes me.

29

Pax

Forgiveness is for Little Girls

Knowing Bebe and Lula need to be protected, I can't sleep downstairs. The house feels too big now, and I imagine crawling into Bebe's bed. Until I earn my way back into her good graces, I'll sleep on the couch.

Bebe loves me even though I'm an asshole and hurt her. I hurt Lula too, scaring a kid already on edge from her rough life. While I fucked up, I still have a chance. The love of a good woman is worth waiting for.

Too damn big for the couch, I end up on the floor a few times. I finally turn on the Christmas tree lights and relax into a decent sleep.

The sun is up when I hear Folgers move past me and into the kitchen. I glance up to see a little figure in pink pajamas hurry to the back door. Lula struggles with the door for a minute before popping it open. The cold air makes her shiver as she lets Folgers into the backyard. I wonder if she'll follow the dog, but she only shuts the door and sits on the floor to wait.

Watching Lula, I wish she were mine. The kid is too good to call Wolfman Daddy. The man sold her off once and he'll do it again when he gets out of prison. I plan to end Wolfman's life before he gets the chance to hurt Lula or Bebe. Yet this little girl will always wonder about the man who created her.

As a kid, I sometimes wondered about my dad. Did I get my blond hair from him? Was he a loser? Did he have a family that mattered to him? I once asked Ford if he'd want to meet his dad. He said no immediately, claiming the fantasy was always better.

Lula didn't need to wonder about her dad. His history was well known. He treated women like property and not in an endearing "mine" way like I thought about Bebe. He owned them, deciding their fates. I knew he killed more than a few of his hookers. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if Bebe's sister died at Wolfman's hands.

The man tortured and killed dogs too. His daughter sat on the cold floor waiting for her friend to finish crapping all over the yard. Lula takes after Bebe in all the important ways.

Folgers is likely done emptying himself and now chasing squirrels. He might be eyeballing the neighbor's cat too, yet Lula waits for him patiently.

When Folgers finishes playing tough guy, he returns to the door. Lula nearly topples over trying to open the door. Shivering wildly, she smiles at Folgers, who waits at his bowl for her to feed him.

I stand up and walk over to help her get down the food. When Lula finally realizes I'm in the room with her, I hate the fear in her big brown eyes.

"Here," I say, handing her a cup of dog food.

Lula pours the kibble into the bowl. When she's done, she peeks at me to see if I'm going to be an asshole again.

"Do you want to eat cereal in front of the TV with me?"

Glancing around, Lula sees the tree lights on and smiles. Even nervous with me, she finds something to enjoy. We take our bowls of Lucky Charms into the living room, where I turn on cartoons. She sits on her knees and eats at the table.

"I didn't have a good mom like you," I say when she keeps peeking back at me. "My mom didn't take care of me like Bebe takes care of you."

Lula likes when I say nice things about Bebe. She loves her mom so much it makes my chest hurt. I've only loved one person like that in my life. Now I have two more, and it feels like too damn much to bear.

"I got scared," I say now that she's turned around to look at me. "I threw a fit like a little kid. You ever throw a fit like that?"

Lula nods, but I can't imagine her freaking out like I did.

"I cry too much," she says.

"No. You're little. I cried when I was little. Now I don't cry. I just yell and bang stuff."

Lula doesn't know what to think. She was safe at Darby's house. I brought her here, promised a lot of nice things, and got her hopes up. Then I scared the shit out of her and made her mom cry.
Yeah, I wouldn't know what to think either.

"Remember the boy at the McDonald's play area?" I ask and she nods. "He was freaking out and screaming, but I think he was just scared. Little kids like that don't understand how they'll get to come back. He probably thought once he went home, he'd never get to play again. That's how little kids think. Well I'm not a little kid, but I got scared about things with your mom. I threw a fit like a baby. Now I'm thinking straight, and I'm not going to throw any more fits."

When Lula looks at me for a long time, I'm nervous she won't ever trust me again. She'll see a jackass like Wolfman every time she looks at me.

"Everyone gets scared," she says finally.

"You forgive me?"

I know I'm putting way too much pressure on a child, but I need her to see me as a good guy again.

Lula nods. "Can we still live here?"