Broken (Soldiers of Darkness MC Book 1) (24 page)

I don’t say anything, but he knows I understand. I can do this. I
have
to do this.

Sam climbs the stairs back up to the house, and my fingers tighten around the gun. ‘Sam?’

He stops and turns around.

‘Thank you.’

‘You have nothing to thank me for, Izzi.’

I watch as he leaves the basement, closing the door behind him, and still Zeb continues to play with me, his fingers hooking into the sides of my panties and I feel myself giving in. But this is a test. This whole journey’s been a test.

I knock his hand away with the gun and swing around, and he grabs my wrist and laughs before his mouth crashes down onto mine and I can’t breathe, the kiss is so deep, so hard. But he isn’t getting what he wants so easy. I’m not sure there’s much left he can teach me, so do we really need to be doing this now? But I like him, being this close. He’s my safety blanket. My go-to guy. I like him, this close. But he still isn’t getting it easy. He taught me how to do that, how to make them work for it.

I pull back slightly and wrench my arm free of his grip, lifting the gun and tucking it under his chin, pushing his head back. ‘I don’t have time for this. I’ve got work to do.’

He once more takes hold of my wrist and pushes the gun out from under his chin, his hand on my cheek bringing my face closer to his and he kisses me again, and I feel myself weakening, and I remember how much trouble that got me into before. So I bite down on his lip, and for a second it startles him, giving me time to pull away.

He wipes his mouth with his forearm and smirks, and his eyes are dark and dangerous and I feel a shiver wrack my body, but I’m not giving in. Not yet. But there was always going to be a time when he was too quick for me; when I hesitated for a second too long and he took advantage. And he’s there, in front of me now. He’s got me backed up against the table and I pull myself up onto it; I wrap my legs around him and pull him between them. I’ve got the control back. And he knows it.

‘Something you want?’ I smile, and he reaches down to slide a hand between my legs but I grab his wrist and pull his hand back, shaking my head. ‘You need permission to go there, and I don’t remember giving you any.’

He laughs, and he lowers his head and rests his mouth lightly against mine as he speaks. ‘I want you naked, princess. Because I ain’t playing teacher no more.’

I take his face in my hands and push him away from me, just a touch, so I can look at him properly. ‘No,’ I whisper, shaking my head. ‘No, Zeb.’

His fingers dig into my thighs and I take a deep breath, throwing my head back as his mouth brushes the base of my neck.

‘Zeb!’

Sam’s voice startles us both and Zeb pulls away from me and turns to face his uncle.

‘You OK, Izzi?’ Sam asks.

‘I’m fine.’ I slide down from the table and allow Zeb’s arm to circle my waist. It’s the first sign to initiating a dangerous game, but I think it’s the way we have to play it now. He was right, when he told me Mack wasn’t my future. Mack
can’t
be my future. Mack’s future is about to be messed-up beyond belief and I can’t be a part of that, not anymore. I need to stay where I’m comfortable now. My time with Mack was only ever meant to be temporary. Zeb was always my future. I just hadn’t thought it was going to start quite so soon.

He leans into me and kisses the space just below my ear, his warm breath sending a deep shiver tearing through me and I feel a rush of everything from crushing guilt to dark anger start to take over. But I don’t feel fear. I’m not scared, not anymore. I’m just tired. I need this to end, and I need the rest of whatever life I have now to begin.

I turn my head and he catches my mouth and I let him kiss me, let his hand resting against my cheek allow me to feel safe. But I’m not safe. I’m far from that, but he makes me believe I’m OK.

‘Can I have a word, Izzi?’

I pull away from Zeb and turn to face Sam.

‘Now, Izzi.’

I look at Zeb and he nods, letting go of me. And I follow Sam back up the stairs and into the kitchen.

‘Are you ready, kiddo?’

I know he doesn’t mean am I ready to kill, he knows I’m ready for that. He means something else. ‘I don’t know, Sam.’

He moves closer, and once again I ache to reach out and hug him and for a fleeting second I feel the pain of missing my dad so much it hurts like hell. Tears actually prick the back of my eyes and I’m shocked, because I haven’t cried since the day I came here. The day Sam and Zeb began changing me was the day I stopped crying and started seeking revenge. Why am I crying now?

He reaches out and gently wipes a tear away from my cheek, and I have to take the deepest of breaths to stop any more from escaping. I’m not doing this. I’m not, I can’t.

‘I miss them so much, Sam.’

But it’s too late. It’s almost like a year’s worth of pent-up pain is finally rising to the surface. I let the anger and the frustration out, but I don’t think I ever gave myself time to grieve. I don’t think I ever did that. I don’t think I ever really grieved.

And then he takes me in his arms and he holds me so tight, rocking me like a baby as I let it all out. I can’t control the tears, I can’t stop the howls of grief and pain from spilling out of me and he says nothing, he just holds me until I’m done; until it’s out and I can let the anger back in. Because it’s coming back, it’s rising, it’s filling the pit of my stomach with a new kind of darkness I don’t think I’ve ever felt before.

I stay in Sam’s arms for a few minutes more as a peace descends, and then I hear Zeb come into the room; I hear Sam whisper something to him that I don’t catch, and I close my eyes as he lets go of me and Zeb’s arms replace his and I fall against him, curling up into a ball as he holds me tight.

‘We’re gonna be OK, princess. You and me. We’re gonna be just fine.’

And we are.

I believe him.

We’re gonna be OK.

Tomorrow, I can finally free myself of all this hate and anger.

Tomorrow, I make those who shattered my world pay in the only way they understand.

Tomorrow, I start again.

Chapter Twenty-Three

Mack

I didn’t want today to come. I lay awake all night wishing things were different, that I didn’t have to do this. But it’s a goddamn, shit-filled world we live in and if I want this club to survive; if I want to stay President, I have to do all I can to make sure that happens.

I loved her. I did, I loved her. Or I was getting there, anyway. It was happening, because I have no fucking clue what love feels like, in reality. What the fuck did
I
know about love growing up? I was dumped like a bag of rubbish outside this clubhouse. My real parents, they couldn’t have loved me. This club dragged me up, and the kinda love I was used to, that ain’t anything ordinary people would understand. But it’s all I know. And Izzi – she just might’ve been able to show me something different because she came from a world where love was real and normal and maybe I need that. And maybe I don’t. I just know I can’t have her. She’s bad news, and this – tonight; when I told Odi to stay on his guard, I meant that, ‘cause I ain’t sure what’s going down here. This job – something just don’t feel right, and when I get that feeling in my gut I act on it. I’ve survived many a war because of that instinct.

‘You ain’t backing out of this, are you?’

I turn to see Viper walk into the chapel, all cocky swagger and dark arrogance. But I had to tell him, Odi was right. I had to tell him the truth, and I’m lucky this guy trusts me the way he does; lucky we’ve been through enough shit together to enable him to give me the benefit of the doubt because working together is the only way we can do this.

‘No. I ain’t backing out.’

He pulls out a chair and sits down in Odi’s place at the meeting table, leaning forward, his fingers steepling together as he looks straight at me. ‘She has to go, Mack. You know that, don’t you?’

I drop my gaze, my fingers tightening around the gavel I didn’t even realize I was holding.

‘She’s a threat that has to be taken out, because she’s unpredictable. And I can’t find a damn thing out about that crazy bastard she’s hooked up with. Or this Sam guy she told you about. I can’t find anything, and I ain’t living with that lack of control. She ain’t gonna come in here like some pistol-wielding amateur who seems to think I owe her…’

‘You murdered her daddy; her fiancé…’

‘That was an accident, Mack. You know we do everything we can to avoid innocents getting hurt but sometimes shit happens. There’s collateral damage. She got unlucky.’

I can’t help the slightly cynical laugh from escaping, and Viper’s expression hardens.

‘You still with us on this one, Mack?’

I don’t say anything. He knows my answer. And he knows better than to question me. This club, our livelihood, that comes first. Before anything. I don’t need unnecessary mess, none of us do. Before Izzi turned up things were running just fine, we had a good thing going with Viper and his crew and I don’t want that changing. She was a beautiful distraction, but she was also a dangerous one.

Viper stands up and kicks the chair back under the table, and I watch as he swaggers over to the door, lighting up a joint as he walks. ‘See you tonight, Mack.’

I wait until he’s gone before I drop my head into my hands and sigh heavily, dragging my fingers back and forth across my hair.

Izzi. I still don’t know her last name. And I don’t need to. Not now.

After tonight it won’t matter.

After tonight she won’t exist no more.

After tonight I go back to living my life the only way I know how.

I’m the Soldiers of Darkness’ President.

Men need to fear me. Women need to want me. That’s how my life works. That’s how it’s worked for decades now. That’s how I survive.

Mack Slayer doesn’t love anything except himself, and this club. That’s all that matters. That’s all that ever
will
matter…

Izzi

I look in the mirror and try to remember the woman I once was. I can barely recall anything about her; the way she used to look, the way she used to act. I wanted as many traces of her removed as I could and Sam and Zeb, they’ve certainly done their best to rid me of that woman I used to be. I’m someone completely different now, and I can’t go back. I don’t want to. I don’t think I ever can, not after tonight. Going home, going back to the UK, it’s not even an option anymore.

I turn away from the mirror and look at the holdall all packed and ready to go as it sits there on the bed I’ve shared with Zeb for the past few nights; a man twenty years older than me and yet he’s anything but a father figure. That’s Sam’s role. Zeb is my guardian angel, my protector. My guide in all things dark and twisted. Zeb is my future. Once we’ve done what we – what
I
need to do tonight, we’ll be moving on to start that future. And I don’t know what it’s going to hold, or what’s going to happen. Everything is so uncertain, but whatever it entails, it’s going to be better than what I walked away from back home. I don’t ever want to feel that pain and emptiness ever again. That was destroying me far more than anything else. And I’m not going back there.

‘Everything OK, princess?’

I turn to face the man who made me who I am, and I smile, because the kind of love he can give me – it’s the kind I need now; cold and hard and unpredictable.

He comes over to me and slides an arm around my waist, pushing me against him, and he kisses me with a force that pulls the breath right out of me.

‘You ready?’

I look up into his dark, almost black eyes and I nod. I’ve never been more ready for anything.

He runs a hand down over my hip, up and across my ass and he smiles as he finds the gun Sam gave me tucked into my belt.

‘My beautiful, baby assassin, all ready to do damage in killer heels and a short skirt. Man, did I do a great fucking job…’

He lifts me up and pushes me back against the wall, but my legs only stay wrapped around him for a matter of seconds before I regain control and let go of him, and he grins. I’m resisting the distraction, just as he taught me. I need my energy focused elsewhere, not on him.

He takes my hand and pulls me to him, his fingers winding in my hair and his mouth rests against mine, I can feel him breathing into me. He’s giving me the strength I need, that extra push. He’s tipping me over the edge, but he’ll be there to catch me. I’m not afraid. Not anymore.

I wrap my fingers tight around his, closing my eyes as he kisses me, and I slide a hand around the back of his neck and push him down harder against me. I’m devouring him, soaking up all the power and poison he’s giving me.

‘Let’s go.’ He reaches out and picks the holdall up from the bed, tossing it over his shoulder. ‘You’re ready now.’

‘Zeb?’

He stops and turns to face me.

‘Does the pain ever go away?’

He takes a step towards me, and he cups my cheek and his eyes bore into mine with an intensity that feels like a physical punch to the stomach. ‘I can make it go away, Izzi. If you want me to.’

I rest my hand over his and smile a small smile, but his stare remains hard; impassive, almost.

‘Come on. We need to go.’

I watch him walk to the door, and for a couple of beats it’s like my feet are glued to the floor, I can’t move. But when he turns around and looks at me it’s like he’s flicked a switch, and I reach around to lightly finger the gun tucked away behind me.

I’m ready.

For whatever.

For everything.